Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Oboebyrd: You damn near all gave me a heart attack, folks. I get online, and see, that in one day, I've gotten more than 15 reviews…

…if that's not the cure to writer's block, what is? I like overwhelming support. It's like floating in a puffy pink palace of pleasure. I also like alliteration, but that's besides the point.

But I want to answer some of your questions/hints/offers:

YES! Thank you to all who offered to let me use your story! I'll review it on your site, but also put the 'meaner' review on this site, it'll be more in depth, and of course I'll link to your site.

And it's 'her', not 'him', by the way. I am female.

And yes, I suppose mentioning stuff from 'The Silmarillion' kind of cursed my Mary-Sue… but it seemed KIND of fitting, and some Mary-Sue aficionados are really good at reading other fanfictions and prying everything they can from their sleepy fingers…

Okay. Why is this Author's note so long? 'Cause I HAVE GOTTEN MY REVELATION! THAT'S WHY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!))

I actually have a bibliography for this. (Albeit it contains one book.) It will be at the end.

King Thranduil of Mirkwood

There is nothing like killing your own sons.

Or perhaps irreparably scarring them, raping them, emotionally bludgeoning them with a club of injustice and insane hatred.

Only if you are King Thranduil, fair Lord of Mirkwood, of course.

I am willing to take, in good face, murdering of plots, abusing real-life people who spent twelve hours of every day making a movie for you to watch and enjoy, base, pornographic fictions thinly veiled as 'love', even the ever-present Mary-Sue. I will take this all in good faith, read it, perhaps in some dark recess of my mind, even enjoy it.

Because these character portrayals are inconsistent. Legolas is not always a hair-flinging, brainless nymph. Pippin and Merry are not always the willful participants of incest.

Thranduil is always a murderer.

No, perhaps not always. In my attempts to research this subject a little further, I found five, a whole five, fanfictions which featured Thranduil as not a murdering bastard, not a crazed lord of a fearful land. Five. There are 6,415 Lord of the Rings fanfictions on Fanfiction.net, possibly more when this story is completed.

Five people found it fit to pose Thranduil as Tolkien tried to make him appear.

This disgusts me so deeply that I couldn't write a 'Guide to Making Thranduil a Jerk'. No one needs a satirical guide to this. It is a click away. Here I will apologize if you expected something purely off-beat, happy, and funny. It's not. I'm not. For this, humour may or may not work.

"…and at the head of a long line of feasters sat a woodland king with a crown of leaves upon his golden hair… The elvish folk were passing bowls from hand to hand and across the fires, and some were harping, and many were singing. Their gleaming hair was twined with flowers; green and white gems glinted on their collars and their belts; and their faces and their songs were filled with mirth" (Tolkein 153).

Oh, of course. How silly of me. This quote obviously proves that Thranduil is a merciless ruler. The happiness of his subjects must be forced.

So, we must here rule out the 'merciless vicious, monster king of Mirkwood' plot which has become so popular. But Thranduil has his flaws. I have no problem with that. The problem I have is that no one chooses to draw on the flaws Tolkien mentions, "If the elf-king had a weakness it was for treasure, especially for silver and white gems" (Tolkien 167). They must make up their own… never mind what the author thinks.

But his view is not truly important. Nor is that one important little word… 'if'.

Perhaps some of the negativity that flares up towards King Thranduil is his negative treatment of the Dwarves. That is certainly to be expected. How could he possibly be so rude to them when "they did not love dwarves, and thought he was an enemy" (167)? That was inordinately cruel of Thranduil to have Thorin thrown in prison and give "him food and drink, plenty of both" (168). I know we would all be much better rulers, and let a possible enemy rove through our land, and awaken giant spiders which live there so they can further plague us. I know I would.

The first Evil-Thranduil story I read came as a shock and a surprise. Thranduil? He's bad? He poisoned all his sons? Well, alright, that's creative, at least.

The second, the third, the fourth… they left me outraged. Not merely because they belabor the poor King with little or no regard for his true character, but also because they don't bother hating him for the clear weaknesses that are presented to the audience by Tolkien himself.

Elrond wise and beneficent. Thranduil is evil and awful. It is the same story, over and over again.

I am not a fan of King Thranduil. Through out the Hobbit, I didn't give him a second thought. When I did, I usually just shrugged and thought, 'He trapped the Dwarf. At least he kept him from being eaten by the giant spiders.' I foster no hidden love for Thranduil- I do not even believe I have ever mentioned him in one of my own Fanfictions, except to have Celeborn complain about the King sending some exploding purple object in a box.

I do not need to be attacked by people calling me a 'Thranduil-lover' and claiming that, once again, I had quoted directly from their fanfiction.

Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Because so many of these Thranduil-villainizing plots are exactly the same- Thranduil is crazy; he kills his sons- I doubt that you can provide any solid proof.

Thranduil is not a crazy murderer. Thranduil is not a villainous overlord. Nowhere does Tolkien say this; nowhere does Tolkien suggest this. Thranduil helped the men of a city that had been ruined due to the rising of a feared dragon. Thranduil gave Thorin food. Thranduil led his people and kept them strong through the time of Mirkwood's dreaded darkness.

He is a figment of a writer's imagination. He can not fight back.

He is a glorious and tempered King. He doesn't have to.

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Bibliography:

The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien, copyright 1937

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Oboebyrd: Well, that was refreshing.