Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction
((A/N- Hey! I'm doing an Author's Note! Oh well… hmm. I will not be doing a Pippin/Frodo Slash, as they are too rare to really have any set rules to follow. J After all, if you've seen one, I've seen one less, so…))
((Anyway.))
(('Tis the long awaited for…))
Chapter 6: Frodo/Sam Slash
I admit to not having proper knowledge of this type of slash. But, in the interests of being totally fair to all different types of fiction, I put it upon myself to find and read Frodo/Sam Slash/Smut from all over the internet.
This is, as I was pleased to find, nearly as formulaic as the mythic Mary- Sues. And I am ecstatic that I have been given this chance to write guidelines for this prestigious Hobbit Smut.
So, let me gush no longer!
1.) Make sure Frodo gets hurt/kidnapped.
This is important. Sam, being his master's loyal hero, can never be hurt, as he must always be in prime condition to save Frodo from the danger of the day. Frodo, on the other hand, must become more attractive to mishaps than cheese is to a mouse. No matter how badly Frodo is hurt, Sam must be able to cure him, and/or carry him to safety. Frodo must gaze lovingly into Sam's eyes at this time.
If Frodo is kidnapped, it is important that Sam rush to his rescue, overcome insurmountable odds that would give an army pause, and save his master in an explosion of brilliant majesty that would put Zeus to shame.
2.) None of the Fellowship may be around.
Frodo/Sam Slash is best done in secret. Unlike A/L slash, which is much more renowned for it's Open-Door policy, F/S slash must never take place among other members of the Fellowship. It is important that they are completely alone so that uncomfortable questions, and thus, uncomfortable writing prompts, do not arrive. Characters which do show up during F/S slash stories must only arrive to harm or kidnap Frodo.
3.) Sam must suddenly become very talented with normal objects used in abnormal ways.
Samwise Gamgee must become more than just a talented gardener and loyal servant. Every object, whether the ordinary or extraordinary, must become a mere extension of himself.
Hmm. Metaphors digging much too deep and crying to come out in all their wanton glory here. I'd better not continue.
4.) Share and Share Alike.
The age-old question- who's the girl?- Is easily answered. Both are!
5.) Erotic Qualities are Highly Preferable to Love
This is not only a major basis of Frodo/Sam Slash, but the major drive in every type of Slash. Love is secondary to the Hormone-driven magic that is graphic sex. In a battle of plot over porn, the good Fanfiction writer knows that porn gets the reviews, the excitement, and the pleasure of a minor and self-provoked orgasm. The good Fanfiction writer knows that properly proportioning story to erotic fantasy is fun, educational, and often hard to write correctly without alienating the more politically correct slash lovers.
We hope you found this guide to writing the proper Frodo/Sam slash Fiction helpful. The OG-WFFF only wants the best for prospective young Fanfiction writers, and hope you can use this guide to help you write the perfect formulaic F/S smut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oboebyrd: As visions of half-deranged sugar-plums explode in your head…
((A/N- Hey! I'm doing an Author's Note! Oh well… hmm. I will not be doing a Pippin/Frodo Slash, as they are too rare to really have any set rules to follow. J After all, if you've seen one, I've seen one less, so…))
((Anyway.))
(('Tis the long awaited for…))
Chapter 6: Frodo/Sam Slash
I admit to not having proper knowledge of this type of slash. But, in the interests of being totally fair to all different types of fiction, I put it upon myself to find and read Frodo/Sam Slash/Smut from all over the internet.
This is, as I was pleased to find, nearly as formulaic as the mythic Mary- Sues. And I am ecstatic that I have been given this chance to write guidelines for this prestigious Hobbit Smut.
So, let me gush no longer!
1.) Make sure Frodo gets hurt/kidnapped.
This is important. Sam, being his master's loyal hero, can never be hurt, as he must always be in prime condition to save Frodo from the danger of the day. Frodo, on the other hand, must become more attractive to mishaps than cheese is to a mouse. No matter how badly Frodo is hurt, Sam must be able to cure him, and/or carry him to safety. Frodo must gaze lovingly into Sam's eyes at this time.
If Frodo is kidnapped, it is important that Sam rush to his rescue, overcome insurmountable odds that would give an army pause, and save his master in an explosion of brilliant majesty that would put Zeus to shame.
2.) None of the Fellowship may be around.
Frodo/Sam Slash is best done in secret. Unlike A/L slash, which is much more renowned for it's Open-Door policy, F/S slash must never take place among other members of the Fellowship. It is important that they are completely alone so that uncomfortable questions, and thus, uncomfortable writing prompts, do not arrive. Characters which do show up during F/S slash stories must only arrive to harm or kidnap Frodo.
3.) Sam must suddenly become very talented with normal objects used in abnormal ways.
Samwise Gamgee must become more than just a talented gardener and loyal servant. Every object, whether the ordinary or extraordinary, must become a mere extension of himself.
Hmm. Metaphors digging much too deep and crying to come out in all their wanton glory here. I'd better not continue.
4.) Share and Share Alike.
The age-old question- who's the girl?- Is easily answered. Both are!
5.) Erotic Qualities are Highly Preferable to Love
This is not only a major basis of Frodo/Sam Slash, but the major drive in every type of Slash. Love is secondary to the Hormone-driven magic that is graphic sex. In a battle of plot over porn, the good Fanfiction writer knows that porn gets the reviews, the excitement, and the pleasure of a minor and self-provoked orgasm. The good Fanfiction writer knows that properly proportioning story to erotic fantasy is fun, educational, and often hard to write correctly without alienating the more politically correct slash lovers.
We hope you found this guide to writing the proper Frodo/Sam slash Fiction helpful. The OG-WFFF only wants the best for prospective young Fanfiction writers, and hope you can use this guide to help you write the perfect formulaic F/S smut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oboebyrd: As visions of half-deranged sugar-plums explode in your head…