Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction
((That's right, folks, after eons of not updating because my computer crashed whenever I tried, I finally figured out I could just use my mom's computer, and it all turned out fine. So, I'm here to give you a slew of updates which I have had in store... I won't try apologizing, because you all know that I'm not allowed to actually mean it! ^_^ So here it is... and I DO apologize for not rating anyone's stories... I'm very lazy.))
Chapter 8: The Interview
I am fascinated by the mysterious art which is the Character Interview. It is an amusing art, but yet, a deadly one.
How to show the beauty and the evil that is the Interview? Well... my muse and I decided to do an interview of our own. We also have with us today a special guest... Hello, Muse.
Icikle: Hello, Byrd!
Byrd: How're you today, Icikle?
Icikle: That really isn't the proper way to begin an interview, you know.
Byrd: It begins when I say it does.
Icikle: Fine, fine. I'm alright, if you don't count that STUPID book I've been reading! They spelled my name wrong! AGAIN!
Byrd: Icikle... they're talking about sheets of ice. Not you.
Icikle: Oh.
Byrd: Can we start the interview?
Icikle: Sarcastically It starts when you say it does.
Byrd: Right! Clears her throat Hello, and welcome to...
Icikle: Wait!
Byrd: What?
Icikle: What's with the ''''s?
Byrd: They denote actions. And expressions.
Icikle: No. Wrong. The proper formulaic Interview just puts the text in as if it's the speech of the actor.
Byrd: Well... I like the ''"s.
Icikle: Fine, fine, go ahead.
Byrd: Today, WYRD has with us the illustrious Legolas Greenleaf!
Legolas: Walks in.
Audience: Screams and cheers.
Icikle: Hold it!
Byrd: What now?
Icikle: 'Illustrious'? Do you even know that that means?
Byrd: ...
Icikle: And what's with the cheering audience! I thought this was a radio show!
Byrd: But everyone else does it...
Icikle: Okay, I get your point. But what's with the '...'? They don't ACCOMPLISH anything?
Byrd: Actually, I don't know. But I'm lead to believe they denote uncertain pauses.
Legolas: Can I sit down, now?
Byrd: Yes. Icikle, may I continue?
Icikle: Yes.
Byrd: Welcome to the show, Legolas. It is an honor to have you here.
Legolas: It's an honor to be here, Byrd.
Icikle: Oh, that's just self-satisfying response 101! Sighs
Byrd: Now you're using the ''''s, Icikle...
Icikle: YOU'RE the one typing all this, I'll have you remember.
Byrd: You're my inspiration!
Icikle: AND ALL THE GOOD IT DOES! YOU'RE WRITING A GODD@MN FORMULAIC FANFICTION! WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!?
Legolas: Should I come back later?
Byrd: No, stay.
Icikle: Leave.
Byrd: Stay.
Icikle: Leave.
Byrd: Stay!
Icikle: LEAVE!
The two continue bickering. Legolas walks out in disgust.
Byrd: Now look what you did!
Icikle: What *I* did? You just implied twenty lines of typing! Talk about taking a short cut!
Byrd: If you don't start helping me here, that's not the only thing that's going to be 'short cut'.
Icikle: Oh, I give up. Just interview me.
Byrd: Okay... Icikle, what would you say are the major points one must cover in a Formulaic Interview?
Icikle: That's a tough on, Byrd. First of all, there's the self serving dialogue.
Byrd: Can you give me an example?
Icikle: Any answers that put the author in the favor of the characters.
Byrd: So... Legolas being polite was self serving?
Icikle: I guess...
Byrd: You don't know anything about formulaic interviews.
Icikle: I guess they're really not that formulaic... except one can always be replaced by another.
Byrd: And what does THAT mean?
Icikle: They all FEEL alike. They're all ridiculously funny or out of character... just to serve the purpose of the author, who FEELS like writing that... probably because he or she just read one, and thought they could do better.
Byrd: So... you're saying all interviews are an attempt to show up other authors?
Icikle: Exactly.
Byrd: Thank you, Icikle. You really put that in perspective.
Icikle: How so?
Byrd: I'm going to go flame some interview writers now...
She stalks off stage... the lights dim, leaving Icikle all alone
Icikle: Could you PLEASE not say the word 'flame' around me? He stalks off as well.
END
~~~~~~~~
Icikle: I don't work here. I'm just a consultant.
((That's right, folks, after eons of not updating because my computer crashed whenever I tried, I finally figured out I could just use my mom's computer, and it all turned out fine. So, I'm here to give you a slew of updates which I have had in store... I won't try apologizing, because you all know that I'm not allowed to actually mean it! ^_^ So here it is... and I DO apologize for not rating anyone's stories... I'm very lazy.))
Chapter 8: The Interview
I am fascinated by the mysterious art which is the Character Interview. It is an amusing art, but yet, a deadly one.
How to show the beauty and the evil that is the Interview? Well... my muse and I decided to do an interview of our own. We also have with us today a special guest... Hello, Muse.
Icikle: Hello, Byrd!
Byrd: How're you today, Icikle?
Icikle: That really isn't the proper way to begin an interview, you know.
Byrd: It begins when I say it does.
Icikle: Fine, fine. I'm alright, if you don't count that STUPID book I've been reading! They spelled my name wrong! AGAIN!
Byrd: Icikle... they're talking about sheets of ice. Not you.
Icikle: Oh.
Byrd: Can we start the interview?
Icikle: Sarcastically It starts when you say it does.
Byrd: Right! Clears her throat Hello, and welcome to...
Icikle: Wait!
Byrd: What?
Icikle: What's with the ''''s?
Byrd: They denote actions. And expressions.
Icikle: No. Wrong. The proper formulaic Interview just puts the text in as if it's the speech of the actor.
Byrd: Well... I like the ''"s.
Icikle: Fine, fine, go ahead.
Byrd: Today, WYRD has with us the illustrious Legolas Greenleaf!
Legolas: Walks in.
Audience: Screams and cheers.
Icikle: Hold it!
Byrd: What now?
Icikle: 'Illustrious'? Do you even know that that means?
Byrd: ...
Icikle: And what's with the cheering audience! I thought this was a radio show!
Byrd: But everyone else does it...
Icikle: Okay, I get your point. But what's with the '...'? They don't ACCOMPLISH anything?
Byrd: Actually, I don't know. But I'm lead to believe they denote uncertain pauses.
Legolas: Can I sit down, now?
Byrd: Yes. Icikle, may I continue?
Icikle: Yes.
Byrd: Welcome to the show, Legolas. It is an honor to have you here.
Legolas: It's an honor to be here, Byrd.
Icikle: Oh, that's just self-satisfying response 101! Sighs
Byrd: Now you're using the ''''s, Icikle...
Icikle: YOU'RE the one typing all this, I'll have you remember.
Byrd: You're my inspiration!
Icikle: AND ALL THE GOOD IT DOES! YOU'RE WRITING A GODD@MN FORMULAIC FANFICTION! WHERE DID I GO WRONG?!?
Legolas: Should I come back later?
Byrd: No, stay.
Icikle: Leave.
Byrd: Stay.
Icikle: Leave.
Byrd: Stay!
Icikle: LEAVE!
The two continue bickering. Legolas walks out in disgust.
Byrd: Now look what you did!
Icikle: What *I* did? You just implied twenty lines of typing! Talk about taking a short cut!
Byrd: If you don't start helping me here, that's not the only thing that's going to be 'short cut'.
Icikle: Oh, I give up. Just interview me.
Byrd: Okay... Icikle, what would you say are the major points one must cover in a Formulaic Interview?
Icikle: That's a tough on, Byrd. First of all, there's the self serving dialogue.
Byrd: Can you give me an example?
Icikle: Any answers that put the author in the favor of the characters.
Byrd: So... Legolas being polite was self serving?
Icikle: I guess...
Byrd: You don't know anything about formulaic interviews.
Icikle: I guess they're really not that formulaic... except one can always be replaced by another.
Byrd: And what does THAT mean?
Icikle: They all FEEL alike. They're all ridiculously funny or out of character... just to serve the purpose of the author, who FEELS like writing that... probably because he or she just read one, and thought they could do better.
Byrd: So... you're saying all interviews are an attempt to show up other authors?
Icikle: Exactly.
Byrd: Thank you, Icikle. You really put that in perspective.
Icikle: How so?
Byrd: I'm going to go flame some interview writers now...
She stalks off stage... the lights dim, leaving Icikle all alone
Icikle: Could you PLEASE not say the word 'flame' around me? He stalks off as well.
END
~~~~~~~~
Icikle: I don't work here. I'm just a consultant.