Personal Ad, Chapter 3
A Strange Response
Over the next two weeks, everything in Jim's life was normal, but it seemed to have lost its zeal. The same old routine every day was boring Jim, and he ended up forgetting about the ad he had placed a while ago.
One night, Jim went out with Aisha and some other friends to dinner at the famed restaurant Tavern at the Green, where the little bush animals dotted the scenery of the gentle atmosphere of the place. When he returned home that night, narrowly avoiding Mrs. Gorman, he saw in the darkness of his apartment a flashing red light. Jim realized there had been a message on his machine, but didn't think anything of it, and went to watch some TV and then bed.
When he awoke the next morning, Jim still recognized the flashing light on the answering machine, so, after eating a bowl of Cheerios, he finally played the message back, and was surprised at what he heard. It was a woman's voice, but very high and strange. "Hi, Jim? Oh I read your cute little ad in the paper, and me myself seeming to match your interests, I just thought we would get along," the voice said. Jim smiled, remembering the ad, and realizing some one did like him as a boyfriend or the relationship type. The voice continued, "Anyway, saw a cute little place to eat, thought you would like to go. I'll pick you up at 8 sharp! Sorry to seem so intrusive, it's just that well I don't have much time on my hands. See ya at 8 then Jim!"
He was shocked. Jim was totally unaware of what to do with himself. "Tonight," he asked aloud. How could he get ready in time for a date by tonight, he asked himself. He looked down at his watch, eleven o'clock already! Immediately, Jim got dressed, and ran out the door. He came out upon the busy Saturday morning, and he thought, what to do, where to go, what first? Jim realized he needed to look good for his date, and not wanting to wear a boring work suit, he jumped into a cab and headed for Barney's New York, and expensive store, but he needed to look great, he thought. After getting himself a new tie and shirt, Jim went to the nearby hair salon, where he got a clean cut. As he walked to the market, Jim noticed his brown hair wasn't gel-ed up like it should have been, so he quickly went back to the salon and bought a Redken gel for $14, but he needed to look the best.
At the market, Jim purchased a bouquet of roses, and got back to his apartment by one o'clock. Looking back at his watch, Jim relaxed, seeing he had much time to get ready for his date tonight. By six, Jim had cleaned his apartment, washed all the dishes, and jumped into the shower. About an hour later, his brown hair was spiked up, he had had a clean shave, his suit was cleaned and it fit his medium-sized body well, and the roses were waiting in a glass in the kitchen in water.
The sun began to set on New York, and Jim became excited and worried about his new date. Questions raced through his mind, would he look okay, would she like him, would she not like him, etc. Time raced by as Jim asked himself these things, and his doorbell rang at 7:58 PM, according to the digital clock on the counter. Jim got up slowly, nervous and excited at the same time, grabbed the flowers, took a breath, and opened the door.
Jim's mouth could have dropped to the floor he was so surprised. Turns out there wasn't a high pitched woman on the phone that morning, it had been a man. A gay man. "Well aren't you just so cute and romantic," the man said as he took the flowers and walked into Jim's apartment. "Aww, roses, you must be lonely! No offense, but no guy has ever been this, well, generous to," he cut off. "OH. MY. GOD. IS THAT THAT CUTE POTTERY BARN COUCH ON SALE THIS WEEK? Oh my god you have such great taste," the man said with his girly voice. Jim was flabbergasted, stunned, and shocked at the situation. "Excuse my bluntness but, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!"
The man's smiling face, which reminded Jim of someone from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, instantly changed, he was frowning. "Well God almighty you are excused! Look, gay people act like girls, but we don't actually have periods you know, so calm down," the gay man said. Jim was angered, "What the hell is going on? Why are you here??"
"Why am I here?" the man replied. "Why am I here?? Well you placed the ad, jackass. I have never been so mad in my life, little miss piss! Go get a tampon, asshole."
"Wha…Wha….." Jim tried to say. "Ad? My ad? Why are you here then? My ad is in the Male seeking Female section!"
"Oh really, then why did I happen to see it in my Male seeking Male section, huh? Explain that you bimbo!"
"Oh my god. THEY MISPLACED MY AD!?! Oh SHIT I knew this was too good to be true," Jim said, "Look, I'm sorry there must have been some sort of error at the newspaper, I'm straight, not gay."
"No way did I just waste my time on a straight guy. No fuckin' way did I," the man said angrily. He headed for the door, but Jim stopped him.
"Look I really am sorry. Might as well stay though, right? Nothing better to do, huh?
The man turned back slowly, "Alright, fine, nothing better to do I guess you're right."
Surprisingly to Jim, the two men got along very well, and they both forgot about dinner, and decided to just talk the whole time, when they came upon an interesting idea about an hour later, after Jim just wrapped up the Jim versus Jenny story. "…so she broke up with me. Weird relationship, but I got over it when I placed my ad in the personals."
"You know," the man replied, "gay men do have taste."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means I think I can help you find a girl."
"Oh, ok. The gay guy to the rescue," Jim said mockingly.
"I think you really do need that tampon," Robbie joked. About a while ago earlier, Jim and Robbie finally exchanged names. "But seriously, I think I'm a little bit more in touch with my feminine side then you, tacky."
"Tacky? I'm tacky?" Jim said as he looked down at himself, examining for proof of this remark.
"Well, hate to break it to ya, but yea, I'm afraid so. But it's nothing I can't fix!"
"Whatta you mean, but it's nothing I can't fix, ?"
"I mean, I can help you find a girl!"
"No offense," Jim said, "but I thought girls were attracted to straight guys. Did I miss the memo or something?"
Robbie coughed some remark like "Ahem, quit the sarcasm. Ahem" and he laughed along with Jim at the joke.
"I mean I can turn you into a stylish, suave ladies man, while still being a gentleman! But, I am low on cash, so it might cost ya a little."
Jim was hooked on the idea, captivated by the originality, a gay man helping straight man, for money!
"Gees, this really is out of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I am interested. How much we talking here?"
"Well, depends on what exactly we're buying or doing to you. But I'll let ya know."
He walked to the door, "I gotta go, but I'll call you later Jim, alright?"
Jim was so pleased, "Yea sure," he said, not thinking. He was excited and nervous all over again, and Jim liked the feeling of a challenge. The door shut, and Jim sat on the couch thinking of the new doors Robbie could open up for him, and the rewards that came out of them. The doorbell rang again. It must be Robbie again, Jim thought.
He walked to the door, opened it, and was about to say "Thanks again Robbie" when he was interrupted by a short man who said in a high voice, "Well hellll-oooo gorgeous" while he examined Jim with his eyes. Jim's eyes widened, Not again! he thought as the man stood there smiling. Not again!