Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction
((Mea: I hear, and I respond. ^_^ ))
Chapter 12: Debasing Promising Young Actors for Your Own Use
The good Formulaic Fanfiction writer knows it is not enough to simply ruin the lives of fictional characters.
The good Formulaic Fanfiction writer knows it is imperative that they also delve into the life of actors, writers, and directors, and crush them with literary maces of death, destruction, and other maladies of woe... including romance.
However, the most prolific of these type of wonderful Actor-Debasement fictions are the Orlando Bloom fiction. It is, of course, not enough to simply whale on Legolas Greenleaf, who is not real, and thus, cannot read. The good fanfiction writer knows to push it too far, and attack the actor who brought them so much joy in the movies.
1.) Experiment with character. When writing Orlando Bloom fiction, or any other sort of actor fiction, it is important not to know how they actually talk. It is not important to know anything of their character, their morales, their speech pattern. After all, whatever the Formulaic Fanfiction writer writes is obviously right, as this speech pattern is echoed by every other fiction writer as well.
2.) Involve him. It is important, while writing a Real-person fiction, to make it a Mary-Sue or a Slash. Romance is out of the question, of course; Mr. Bloom must fall in love with a Mary-Sue tart, or fall in love with a co-worker. They must have randy sex within the first half chapter. Their romance must be so meaninglessly stupid that it turns out to be nothing more than a Formulaic Fanfiction Writer's sad, lone dream. The Formulaic Fanfiction Writer knows that everyone values their opinion of who they think Orlando Bloom would like to have randy sex with, and who he would like to marry, despite the fact that their character has no personality.
3.) Give the Mary-Sue Character no personality. This may seem to be a conspicuous point, but it is one that is heavily debated among the worlds of Formulaic Fanfiction writers and Fanfiction writers alike. The Mary-Sue type character must have no personality other than good looks, which we all know is a huge asset to any character-type. Any personality present must be forced, and be altered systematically to match up with Mr. Bloom's significantly altered personality, so they appear to be perfect matches for each other.
4.) Give the Mary-Sue Character a traumatic past experience. Whether it is the traumatic death of parents, or a traumatic accident, or a traumatic experience on a trip out of state, or a traumatic incident with a screw-driver, the Mary-Sue character must deal with some sort of horrible, awful thing from her past. She must only regress into states of utter dispair when Mr. Bloom is around and can comfort her. This also holds true for Mr. Bloom himself and fellow cast-members whom the Formulaic Fanfiction Writer is pleased to pair Mr. Bloom up with. Any searching through an actual biography is prohibited.
5.) Include Pathetic Comedy. It is important to include 'funny bits' in the Mary-Sue/Bloom story. These, of course, can not really be that funny, but instead by inside jokes that the Formulaic Fanfiction Author believes everyone else will understand.
Here, I must conclude. I propose to you people to end this shameful disregard of real people's lives and feelings by writing them into shameful scripts.
I would here like to name and denounce the MARY-BLOOM... Orlando Bloom Fiction with a shameful, Mary-Sue twist.
Stop.
~~~~~ Oboebyrd: I mean it, too.
((Mea: I hear, and I respond. ^_^ ))
Chapter 12: Debasing Promising Young Actors for Your Own Use
The good Formulaic Fanfiction writer knows it is not enough to simply ruin the lives of fictional characters.
The good Formulaic Fanfiction writer knows it is imperative that they also delve into the life of actors, writers, and directors, and crush them with literary maces of death, destruction, and other maladies of woe... including romance.
However, the most prolific of these type of wonderful Actor-Debasement fictions are the Orlando Bloom fiction. It is, of course, not enough to simply whale on Legolas Greenleaf, who is not real, and thus, cannot read. The good fanfiction writer knows to push it too far, and attack the actor who brought them so much joy in the movies.
1.) Experiment with character. When writing Orlando Bloom fiction, or any other sort of actor fiction, it is important not to know how they actually talk. It is not important to know anything of their character, their morales, their speech pattern. After all, whatever the Formulaic Fanfiction writer writes is obviously right, as this speech pattern is echoed by every other fiction writer as well.
2.) Involve him. It is important, while writing a Real-person fiction, to make it a Mary-Sue or a Slash. Romance is out of the question, of course; Mr. Bloom must fall in love with a Mary-Sue tart, or fall in love with a co-worker. They must have randy sex within the first half chapter. Their romance must be so meaninglessly stupid that it turns out to be nothing more than a Formulaic Fanfiction Writer's sad, lone dream. The Formulaic Fanfiction Writer knows that everyone values their opinion of who they think Orlando Bloom would like to have randy sex with, and who he would like to marry, despite the fact that their character has no personality.
3.) Give the Mary-Sue Character no personality. This may seem to be a conspicuous point, but it is one that is heavily debated among the worlds of Formulaic Fanfiction writers and Fanfiction writers alike. The Mary-Sue type character must have no personality other than good looks, which we all know is a huge asset to any character-type. Any personality present must be forced, and be altered systematically to match up with Mr. Bloom's significantly altered personality, so they appear to be perfect matches for each other.
4.) Give the Mary-Sue Character a traumatic past experience. Whether it is the traumatic death of parents, or a traumatic accident, or a traumatic experience on a trip out of state, or a traumatic incident with a screw-driver, the Mary-Sue character must deal with some sort of horrible, awful thing from her past. She must only regress into states of utter dispair when Mr. Bloom is around and can comfort her. This also holds true for Mr. Bloom himself and fellow cast-members whom the Formulaic Fanfiction Writer is pleased to pair Mr. Bloom up with. Any searching through an actual biography is prohibited.
5.) Include Pathetic Comedy. It is important to include 'funny bits' in the Mary-Sue/Bloom story. These, of course, can not really be that funny, but instead by inside jokes that the Formulaic Fanfiction Author believes everyone else will understand.
Here, I must conclude. I propose to you people to end this shameful disregard of real people's lives and feelings by writing them into shameful scripts.
I would here like to name and denounce the MARY-BLOOM... Orlando Bloom Fiction with a shameful, Mary-Sue twist.
Stop.
~~~~~ Oboebyrd: I mean it, too.