Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction
Chapter 14: The Istari
1.) Curumo, also called Saruman. While I respect his attempt to bring the word 'tie-dyed' into the Middle-Earth vocabulary, something about him just… set me off. Okay, he tried to destroy all of Middle Earth… that's okay. He tried to rule it under an iron… a white fist… or a white open hand… alright. He tried to take over the Shire! What?
Curse you, Sharkey. No 'Man of Skill' would go through any great lengths to take over a land of three-feet carrot-eaters.
But some respect must be allowed. He's the oldest of the order of Istari, and the chief of the Istari! Not only that, but the title 'Man of Skill' has to mean something.
So I'll give Curunír a…
B. So what if he's evil? Get over it.
2.) Aiwendil, otherwise known as Radagast. While I normally love people who enjoy talking with birds and other animals, and who dress in earthy brown, the fact that two of his titles are 'The Simple' and 'The Fool' kind of made him loose a few points. He is the Maiar of Yavanna, the Valar of Fruit giving… of the harvest, I'll venture to say, at risk of being torn apart by the more rabid of fans. So Radagast has it going for him, in the at least as far as the great color and the most recent place he lived. (Anyone who can manage to live in a place called Rhosgobel gets my vote!)
Radagast gets a C+… I'm sure he's a great guy, inside, but he has to go and kill people who give him such evil titles…
3.) Alatar dresses in that nice sea-blue. Greenish-blue. Great color. And he came to represent Oromë, who does something, but not having memorized the Silmarillion, I can't quite remember. Not much is known of Alatar… they traveled to the far east, but never returned. My theory is that Sauron swallowed them up, but it's quite possible they just discovered the delights of Chinese cooking.
Alatar brought Pallando 'as a friend', so he is loyal. And his name either means 'Noble Giant' or 'After-comer', probably because he arrived in Middle Earth AFTER Saruman. You can't blame the guy for falling out of notoriety… he who arrives last gets the smallest part of the pie!
B. I like sea blue. He could've done great things if he had only beaten Saruman to the punch.
4.) Pallando should die. Evil Pallando! First, you steal Alatar's color! (With a name like Pallando, he must have stolen much more than that). You should thank Alatar for bringing you along as a 'friend'. Friend. Yes.
That is all I know about Pallando. He wears Sea Blue. He traveled into the east and was swallowed up by Sauron with Alatar. He has a good friend. His name means 'Far traveling one'. Or possibly 'One who sings with the tip of their gall bladder'.
D!!!
5.) Olórin, or Gandalf is certainly one of the more beloved of the Istari. After all, look at all the stuff he's done… gotten killed by a Balrog, made pretty fireworks, assist in the inglorious defeat of Saruman… And he was sent by the two big-wigs of the Valar… Manwë and Varda. Hell yes! Anybody who is found to be acceptable for a mission fraught with danger by someone loosely named 'Sublime Star-Queen' has my vote!
A! Just for kicks.
But that vote's only for Gandalf the Grey. When he is no longer Grey, he became more or less minorly annoying, what with his sudden need to cow every other member of the Fellowship into doing his will by lording his new-found power over them and bossing everybody around. Oh no. Gandalf the White gets a
C-. So there.
Welcome to the world of a brain-freeze at 1 AM, my friends. Forgive me for showing off my 'superior' knowledge of Middle Earth (And my up-to-date and highly accessible copy of The Silmarillion).
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Oboebyrd: Because, deep inside, we all just want to be loved…