Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

I received a lot of threats. I also received a lot of complaints from people who said "I know this is a satire" and then proceeded to give me every bit of evidence I needed to determine that they did not, in fact, know what a satire is. Nevertheless, I came back…

Chapter 15: The REAL Guide to Author's Notes

1.) Make it insanely long and pointless.

As I'm sure the previous chapter demonstrated, there should be no end to your Author's Notes. Your audience has infinitely more interest in what you have to say about your life than in what you have to write about. Make sure your author note, if possible, exceeds five complete sentences; if possible, five complete paragraphs. Once you truly master art of writing Formulaic Fanfiction, you can truly raise to the occasion- you can try to make your author notes longer than the actual story.

                                    CAUTION: Do not attempt this until you have completed at least one tangent fiction!

2.) Extort Reviews.

I can not stress the importance of what an Author's Note is truly for; it is not to alert a reader to historical or mythological data you are using in your story that the reader might not be familiar with, nor is it to inform the reader of the possibility of some material which they may be disgusted or horrified by! It is there for three reasons, the most important of these being to extort reviews from your readers! This is the part of the story dedicated to threatening your readers that you will stop writing if they do not meet your quota of reviews OR if they flame you! Make sure to include a demand for sugary-sweet, falsified reviews in every chapter; use your Author's Notes section to its fullest.

3.) Insult various reviewers.

This part is an essential and integral part of the successful Author's Note. This, however, should only be used in the second or third chapter, once reviews have been posted to your obviously superior story. Since the Author's Note space is there, fill it with obscenities and complaints to those reviewers who did not think your story was 'perfect'. Make sure to point out why the reviewer was obviously wrong in his judgment by using such words as 'stoopid' and 'mean' and '@$$hole'. Also, embrace the kinder side of writing; take this space to thank the wonderful reviewers who uttered such pleasantries as "this iz a gud storie rite more plz!" For they, dear children, are the backbone of reviews.

4.) Include details about your personal life.

There is nothing the casual reader desires more than to hear about how you got into a fight with your sister or passed a math exam. The third and final integral part of each Author's Note you write should be to include as many personal details as you see fit. As always, more is always better- the more space you take up telling the reader all the sordid details about your life, the more sympathetic and kind they will be to you. Telling the readers how much you adore reviews (Especially in the form of 'i luv review please R/R!!!!!') is especially helpful in helping you get those reviews that are the sole reward of writing.

5.) Don't warn the readers that the Author Note is ending

Though some kindly fan fiction writers have taken up the habit of putting all Author's Notes in a parenthetical aside ((Such as this)), these helpful but misguided writers are not preparing the average reader for the REAL fictions of the world- the ones where the Author's Notes flow seamlessly into the rest of the story. Make sure you do not separate your Author's Notes from the rest of the story!

And remember: "Just because you write Author's Notes doesn't mean you have to be an Author!"

I hope you found this guide to creating the perfect Author's Note (Abbreviation: A/N) helpful in creating your future star of FF.net's eye. Next week: Oboebyrd Presents: Tangent Fiction!