Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Formulaic Fanfiction

Chapter 16:

Oboebyrd Presents: Tangent Fiction

It was a beautiful, beautiful day. The kind of beautiful day that sent bright and cheerful maidens to singing ballads about dragons and princes that came to sing to them. Like the ballads that Rapunzel must have sung before her prince came to rescue her, or the songs that Sleeping Beauty probably would have sung (If she hadn't been sleeping right Sarah? ^_^) The kind of day that made everyone happy, even grouchy old Dwarves like Gimli.

Gimli was a grouchy old Dwarf and not even a beautiful day would make him happy. He had no beautiful and cheerful maidens to sing to him after all. A long time ago he had fallen in love with a beautiful Dwarf Woman (well she had a beard like all Dwarves do, just like Tolkien said! All Dwarves having beards- that's gross!) who had not liked him back. That had made Gimli very mad and he had gone to complain to his father, who had not been able to do a thing. Gimli's father, after all, had also been rejected by quite a few Dwarven women before he finally met Gimli's mother. Gimli's mother was, or had been before she got really old like she was now, the prettiest Dwarf in the city (Oops did I say city, I meant mine!) and everyone thought that Gloin (That's Gimli's dad's name) was very lucky to be able to marry her.

Legolas and Aragorn were happy on this beautiful day however and that only annoyed Gimli even more. He had always been annoyed by the Elf and the Elf never really liked him at first either; that was before they got along really well of course and learned to like each other, like my friend Jenny finally started getting along with her boyfriend (oops! Inside joke!) and they hated each other first and eventually fell in love- not that Legolas and Gimli would ever fall in love of course! That is just smutty smut and I don't write that! Really good smut is by Madeupname12, check it out! Anyway, Gimli got even more mad because his two friends were so happy.


"What is wrong, Gimli?" Legolas asked, noticing Gimli's dark glare and stare. It was hard not to notice when Gimli glowered- after all, the Dwarf's face was nothing BUT a frown when he did frown (kind of like Jenny's boyfriend's toads, lol!) so it was hard to miss! And of course Legolas wanted to know why Gimli was frowning since they were both very good friends and it was important for him to know why Gimli was upset or happy since they were friends!

"I am upset," Gimli said, looking very upset because he was upset. Gimli grunted into his beard and his frown got even larger so he didn't have a toad face anymore but now had more of a flat… mushy face… (LOL! I don't know)

"You look very unhappy" Aragorn said, but he didn't look too concerned because he was thinking about Arwen and he loved Arwen very much. They had been in love for almost twenty years and that was a really long time for him to love someone so much but not very long for an Elf because Elves are immortal just like Legolas! Elrond after all lived during the time that Sauron was defeated the first time and how can someone get that old without being immortal or maybe having some sort of really good immortality drink? Elven Alchemists in the Mirkwood Forests probably mixed some sort of immortality drink even though they probably didn't need it, but maybe they gave it to their pets since Elves love animals and the world around them and pets certainly fall into that category! And pets are not immortal, except for my immortal Finch of course! (True story, Finch are supposed to only live 4 years and mine is going on 11 as we speak!)

"I look unhappy because I AM unhappy!" Gimli bellowed and that was certainly true because he was remembering when he had once been younger and fallen in love with a beautiful Dwarf girl but she had rejected him and such memories made him very sad indeed but he couldn't help thinking about her beauty (beardy beauty, lol) every time there was such a beautiful day as it was today.

Legolas looked very upset because whenever his friend was upset he got upset too and he desperately wanted to make Gimli feel better because if Gimli felt better he was sure he would too. "What can we do to make you feel better Gimli so you won't feel so bad anymore?" Legolas asked.

Gimli frowned even more and his face became even… mushier… (Lol!) "There is nothing you can do Legolas my friend, I am sorry," Gimli said, truly sorry because Legolas was his friend and he knew that his being upset made Legolas upset as well.

"Well I hope you feel better soon," Aragorn said, not really caring too much because he was having wonderful thoughts about Arwen who he loved very much, even though her father didn't approve but what did a stuffy old Elf like Elrond know anyway? Aragorn had had a few run ins with Elrond before over his love Arwen and he was certain that Elrond was just a stuffy old fool who didn't like him because he loved his daughter and that upset Elrond because Elrond was greedy.

The three companions walked down the path and it was a good day for this walk because it was a beautiful day and there is nothing better to do a beautiful day then walk, unless you are a beautiful maiden and then you sing so your prince in shining armor will come and rescue you!

It is the End! 

Next week: Oboebyrd's Guide to Writing Parodies Involving your Friends!