Sun filtered in through my windows, finding holes in the badly-woven cloth
that covered them. I smiled as pinpricks of white light fell across my
blanketed chest and bare arms. I traced over them lightly with my hand, my
fingers pressing them into the sheet one by one.
Yesterday had been wonderful. Zanar and I finally had our wedding, the one we'd started planning for in August. It had been so hard, waiting those many months, but he was finally mine. We had celebrated our marriage in the traditional way. The ceremony was at noon, in our own temple, and we feasted with the entire village until sunset. After that we'd gone back to our hut and. . . celebrated in other traditional ways. All I can say about that is that I never knew euphoria could last so long and keep its beauty.
There was a calm stillness in the air on the eighth of July, broken only by my new husband's quiet, deep breathing. My own breath stopped as I listened to his, a sleepy smile still on my face. I closed my eyes, lost in the serenity and wondering how an age of such national restlessness could possibly hold a moment like this. I didn't know that by the end of the day I'd wish I'd never met the man who currently lay next to me.
A muscular arm slipped around my waist, and the quiet, deep breathing turned shallower, more normal. I closed my eyes as Zanar pressed his warm cheek to my bare back, reveling in the feeling of having his skin against mine. I whispered a little "good morning," my voice so quiet I could barely hear it.
I felt the muscles in my husband's face shift a little, and I could tell he was smiling. "'Morning, Kaira." He nuzzled his cheek against my skin and tightened his grip on my waist. "Sleep well?"
I giggled quietly. "When you finally let me get to sleep, yes."
"'Ey! You didn't seem to mind when it was happenin', ya?!" While he defended himself, the man couldn't help but grin.
I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm kidding, Zanar." I nuzzled against his neck gently, enjoying his skin's warmth. "You know I loved it."
His eyebrows arched suggestively. I couldn't help but laugh again.
--
I leaned over my vanity table, looking into the mirror as I applied some clear, shiny goop to my lips. I then fixed my short black hair under its blue bandana and pulled on a short, sleeveless blue duster over the white dress that cut off above my knees. My feet slipped into sandals almost automatically. The summer sun would keep me warm this time of year.
I stopped for a moment to smile at my reflection. I was supposed to be trying to look my best: I was married now. I would no longer be looked at as a child. As of yesterday, I was officially a woman. Despite this, I hadn't donned the long skirts and modest shirts of the married woman of the village, instead opting for the clothing I'd worn every day for as long as I could remember.
The stillness I'd remembered feeling when I woke up suddenly fled. I stood tall and alert, my eyes flicking all over the room for the source of my sudden awareness.
I saw nothing.
I allowed myself to relax a little. There was nothing wrong. Nothing was out of order. Everything was as it should be.
I was looking dreamily out the window at the jungle when I heard him. I'd never heard more panic in his voice as I did when he screamed for me that afternoon. As soon as I heard my name called, I bolted out the door, cursing myself for ever letting my guard down.
There's no way to explain how it feels to see Sin firsthand. All your organs freeze and contract: it's like staring your own death in the face. Its thousands of eyes seem to look directly into your own, though most of the time it's impossible for it to be able to see you. In school we learned that most of it's eyes are blind. I always wondered how scholars had discovered that.
I saw it that day. From the second I first lay eyes on it, I could feel the panic rising inside me like bile up my esophagus. I swear, in that second my heart stopped.
"Kaira!"
I turned to look for Zanar. He was rushing towards me from the direction of the ocean. The direction of Sin.
"Zanar!" I ran to leap into his arms, a wild smile spreading across my features. He was here. It would all be okay now. We would die together, wrapped in each other's arms. We'd die together and be together in the Farplane. It would all be okay now.
He grabbed my forearms to stop me. "Run to the temple! Yevon'll protect you, ya? I'll meet up with you there!"
"You promise?"
"Just go!"
I went.
--
While we were younger, we used to explore the jungle together. We'd meet up at the bridge and spend the entire day running through the paths and climbing trees. Those days made for some of my clearest, happiest memories.
I thought about them now. One of the things we'd found was a path through the treetops. It was easy to find the branch we used to climb onto to get to the path.
I ran through the branches until I got to our Sitting Tree. This was were we spied on the village and it's people when we were children.
The spectacle before me drew the breath from my lungs. Sin had ripped up the wooden walkways and the huts. Torrents of water, debris, and bodies (or, in some cases, parts of bodies) swirled hundreds of feet in the air. Most of the liquid in these had turned red with blood. The sight brought up everything my stomach contained and made my throat and eyes burn.
I have no idea how long I stayed up there. I watched the path below me for Zanar the entire time.
He never came.
Absently, I listed all the reasons he could be gone. He could be helping the healers. He could be searching for bodies. He could be gathering debris for town's rebuilding.
I think somewhere inside me, I knew the real reason he hadn't come. My panic-crazed mind, however, wouldn't recognize that he wouldn't come. He wouldn't come to the temple. He wouldn't come down the path I was guarding so religiously.
I don't know what time it was when they found me. One of the village elders had come to the forest to look for survivors who fled there.
I heard their footsteps on my path and immediately jumped down from my perch. "Zanar!" I'd cried instantly, then looked up to see that it wasn't my husband at all.
I blinked in confusion. Where was Zanar? I tried to voice my confusion to the elder, but whenever I did he just shook his head and told me I'd have to see for myself.
I did see for myself, and I thank him now for not telling me before.
The only way I'd believe it was when I saw him laying on the dock in a pool of blood, pyreflies floating around his partially-lifeless body. Even then I couldn't force myself to believe that he was really dying, that no amount of potions would save him.
He turned his head towards me. "Kai--?"
I ran to him, collapsing on my knees next to him. Gently I wrapped my fingers around his and nodded. "Hush, Zanar. Don't talk, okay? I'll make sure you're okay. You'll be okay." A lone tear slipped down my freckled cheek. I didn't care enough to brush it away. I turned to the elder who had brought me here, and to the healer standing next to him. "Well?" I could tell my eyes held a hopeless look in them, and I felt a sob rising up into my throat. This couldn't be happening. I was dreaming. "Can't you give him a potion? Can't you cast your magic on him? What kind of healer are you, dammit?!"
The healer looked helpless. "I've tried everything I can. He needs stronger healing than I can give him, and we don't have time to get him to a more skillful healer." Her eyes held tears.
I couldn't accept that as an answer. "Can't you try? Can't you do anything? You're supposed to be a healer! You're supposed to be able to do something!" I began sobbing, and I couldn't help the scream my voice had turned into. "What's wrong with you? You're just going to let him die here? You're just going to stand around and do nothing? What's wrong with all of you?!" I shook my head frantically. "No. Yevon, no. I'm dreaming. I must be. This isn't happening. It's not real, dammit. . .!" And suddenly it was clear. In that moment I convinced myself that this was a dream. He couldn't be gone now, not only hours after we had pledged to be together forever. The universe wasn't that cruel. Yevon wasn't that cruel.
I was dreaming, this was just a nightmare, and I'd wake up soon. I kept repeating these three simple truths over and over inside my head.
"Kaira" Zanar's voice called to me again, weaker this time, but at least he was able to get it all out.
I turned and looked at him, then calmly placed a kiss on his lips, ignoring the fact that they were already going cold. "It's okay, Zanar. We'll wake up soon."
"I love you, Kaira."
A gentle, almost motherly smile spread across my face. "It's okay, Zanar." I repeated. Why didn't he believe me? "I told you, we'll wake up soon." I kissed him again. "And you know I love you, too."
He opened his mouth to say more, but nothing came out. His eyes became unfocused and slightly glazed. What looked like a seizure wracked his body, followed quickly by another one. Each time a burst of pyreflies escaped him.
A last spasm shook his cold body, and a giant cloud of pyreflies was all that was left of the only man I'd ever loved.
And then I was alone. It was just me and the pyrefly that skimmed gently across my cheek before spiraling up into the sky.
A moment later, a ship docked. The S.S. Liki, my slightly numb brain told me. A small group of five, maybe six, departed from it first. The elderly man and woman who governed our small village rushed over to great them.
A girl younger than me by probably a year or two stepped forward and introduced herself as a summoner from Besaid. Summoner. Besaid. Zanar had an aunt who was a summoner. She didn't bring the Calm, but she was a summoner.
She had lived in Besaid, just like him.
I wondered if this girl knew her. She probably did: Besaid was about as big as Kilika, I'd heard, maybe smaller. Summoner Yuna might have met Summoner Nayri when she was younger.
I promptly decided it was time to wake up. Taking the skin on my arm between my thumb and forefinger, I pinched hard.
It didn't work. I wasn't dreaming. This was reality.
No.
I raked my nails across my skin, sank my teeth my hand, dug my fingers into my closed eyes. Nothing worked. Nothing woke me up.
This couldn't be reality. Yevon couldn't be this cruel. He wouldn't do this. He wouldn't allow Zanar to be taken, even by a force as mighty as Sin.
At the ceremony yesterday. . . the priest had asked Yevon to bless our union. He'd asked Yevon to protect us. To aid us whenever needed.
Why hadn't he? Why hadn't Yevon helped Zanar? Why didn't he save my new husband? Why did he forsake us?
What had we done to deserve this?
A hand brushed my shoulder. I turned to look directly into Lady Yuna's eyes. "My lady. . ."
She smiled gently. "Please, call me Yuna. What's your name?"
Yuna was talking to me like a child, but for some reason I didn't mind. "Kaira," I answered simply.
"What's wrong, Lady Kaira?" She seemed genuinely concerned about me. I was used to dealing with people faking their worry for me, but this girl seemed as though she wanted to try and make all my problems better. "You look so sad."
I turned and motioned to the large patch of red that stained the dock. "My husband. Sin. . . it. . ." My eyes welled up again and I stopped talking when my voice started cracking.
She gasped quietly. "Lady Kaira, I'm so sorry," she said with true sadness in her voice. "How long were you and he married?"
A tear crawled slowly down my cheek. "Our wedding was yesterday."
She made a prayer gesture. "I'll make sure he gets to the Farplane, Lady Kaira. I promise."
I nodded my thanks as more tears followed the first. I didn't trust my voice. I bowed my head in the hopes that she wouldn't see that I was crying. I hate crying in front of strangers.
Someone called for Yuna. It was time for the sending to begin.
I followed her to one of the only stretches of the wooden walkway that was completely whole. I had to say my last goodbyes to my beloved Zanar.
She was walking out onto the water when I arrived. Time seemed to stop when she began her dance. The only sound was her feet splashing lightly.
A few moments passed in this quiet sort of calm. All of a sudden it was as though the silent music the summoner danced to reached a crescendo. The flames of the torches on the dock flared blue, and the pyreflies formed a torrent in the water under Yuna's feet, lifting her high into the air. The bursts of light that were our loved ones' souls flew into the sky. More rose from the water with every gentle yet commanding sweep of the girl's staff.
One of those bursts of light was Zanar, and I couldn't even tell him apart from the rest of our village.
He was really gone.
This thought opened up a waterfall of tears. My hand hovered inches in front of my face the way it always did when I cried. A searing pain in my legs that seemed miles away told me I had fallen to my knees subconsciously. Sherra, the elder who governed the village with her husband, Jarat, knelt next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I turned to her and, my arms wrapping around her middle, sobbed onto her shoulder. She gently stroked my hair, whispering and cooing in an attempt to pacify me. She was like a mother to me, as my biological one had been taken in the same attack by Sin that took her first husband. The attack was when I was four years old. I barely remembered the woman who gave birth to me, and I'd never met my father. Sherra had raised me, as she had many of the village youths. Now my tie to her was stronger than ever: We'd both lost our first husbands at the hands of this horrible monster.
"Quiet yourself, Kaira. You're an adult now. You can't cry over those we've lost. You must be strong."
I simply stared at her. How could she say that?
The old woman looked away. "I'm sorry, Kaira. I know what you're feeling, child, believe me, I know, but you have to be strong. If not for yourself, be strong for him, and for his memory. Can you do that?"
I nodded, though I wasn't sure I could.
"Grief is a powerful foe," she said quietly. "But you can defeat it."
Yuna was done with her sending. Sherra, after planting a soft kiss on the top of my head, rushed to thank her.
One of the summoner's guardians also went to meet her. Their was a brief exchange between them, of which I only caught the last part.
"But, no tears next time, okay?"
Yuna nodded and looked at the ground. As she walked away from the small platform she had performed the sending on, her eyes met mine. There was a brief connection between us. I didn't know what happened to a Summoner when she sent the dead, but whatever it was, it somehow gave her a deeper tie to the deceased and those who were mourning them. She turned and murmured something to the guardian who had come to greet her. The woman looked at me, then nodded to Yuna.
I looked out at the now-calm sea. The small waves lapped gently against the post holding up the wharf I still knelt on. A moment later, the boards creaked and I heard Yuna's calm, sweet voice next to me.
"I really can't explain what happens to me when I send. Valefor, the fayth I received at my home temple... she just kind of takes control of my body. It's her that's sending them, not me. She's just using my body."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing, instead choosing to give her a confused look.
"It means I can focus my mind on the spirits of the dead. I don't really speak with them, but I can feel their thoughts, you know?"
I shook my head. I didn't know what she was talking about or the point she was trying to get to.
She sighed and frowned, obviously trying to think of a way to say what she was trying to. "What I mean is that I can feel what they think and want. I can help them... not cut, but be able to leave behind their ties to Spira. One of them was especially insistent on staying. I promised that person that would tell someone something for him."
I stopped breathing. Was she saying what I thought she was saying?
Yuna hesitated a moment, then covered my hand with hers. "Zanar wants you to know that the reason he didn't come to meet you was because he was trying to fight off Sin. He says he doesn't know why he thought he could, but he and the rest of the Youth League, whatever that is, had to try to at least steer it away from the town. He says he's sorry he didn't come to see you again. He wants to make sure you know he loves you and will wait for you on the Farplane."
If I had any tears left in me I'd be crying again. I knew these things, but there was something about knowing these were his last thoughts before the was sent to the Farplane. . . it somehow made me feel like I would really see him again soon. I closed my eyes. "He won't have to wait long," I say, my voice quiet.
Yuna closed her eyes. "I know that this must be hard for you. I lost my father to Sin when I was seven. Though the circumstances were... different for me than they were for you, I know what it's like. The pain, the confusion. . . I didn't really understand death then, so I thought my father had walked out on me, left me by choice. I understand now that he didn't want leave me, but he had to do what he had to do. My father, High Summoner Braska, is the reason I'm a Summoner today. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Zanar didn't die to cause you pain. I'm sure he would rather have lived the rest of his life here on Spira with you. I'm sure he would have loved more than anything to live here in Kilika with you, have a big family, and die peacefully of old age. . . but, unfortunately, these times rarely allows for that. Please, Lady Kaira, try to be strong and live. If not for yourself, do it for him. He wants you to live and love again."
"I'm not strong, Yuna. I'm not strong like you were. I can't stand the thought of living another day without him by my side. I love him, Yuna. Have you ever been in love with a man so much that you can't stand the thought of life without him?"
She looked down. "I don't know. I don't think so, not yet." A fleeting smile crossed her face. "I may be now. But I hope not. You know what happens when a Summoner completes her pilgrimage. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that sort of pain. The pain I know you're feeling for Zanar."
I shook my head and said nothing.
"Try, please, Kaira. Try to live again. Try to love again. It's what he wants for you."
"It's not what I want for me."
Yuna bit her lip, obviously debating what to do. "I suppose, then, that what you do. . . is none of my business..." she mumbled, not meeting my eyes.
I felt suddenly ashamed. "I'll try, Yuna. I will. I just... after knowing what it's like to fall asleep in his arms, I don't think I'll be able to sleep without that feeling of safety."
She nodded. "Two of my guardians lost a friend to Sin. One of them was his brother, the other his fiancé. Lulu, the woman with me in the black dress, said the same thing that you just said on the night we found out he'd been taken." She lay her hand on my shoulder. "She made it. She's still here with me. I know she still mourns Chappu, but she found a way to live on. I'm sure that you'll be able to, too."
"Yuna," someone behind us called. We both turned. Lulu, I could now identify her as, stood a few yards away. "It's late, and tomorrow you have to pray at the temple. Come get some sleep."
Yuna nodded and turned back to me. "You'll be okay?"
I nodded. "I'll try."
She stood to leave.
"Yuna?"
The girl looked down at me. "Mmhmm?"
"Thank you."
She simply smiled and joined her guardian to return to the inn for the night.
--
"Oh, Yevon."
I stood in the doorway to the hut Zanar and I had shared only this morning. It was completely untouched. Everything in here was as we'd left it. The wooden floor was covered with a thin layer of water that had splashed in through the windows, but that was it. If we'd only stayed in here during the attack we would both be here now.
The irony hit me like a slap to the face. The fact that he died trying to protect me, and got me out of the one place that probably would have kept me safe was horrible to think about.
Somehow I ended up in our room, curled up in a ball on the soggy queen- sized bed we'd shared for only one night. I stared into the darkness blankly, as though an answer would come from the blackness that had descended upon the village while I had been speaking with Yuna.
After a moment, I noticed a darker rectangle protruding from the darkness. The doorway, my mind dimly recognized. Through that doorway was another that led outside, and a second that led to our small kitchen.
I knew what would be in the kitchen.
And again I found myself walking without my mind consciously telling my legs to. I stood in the kitchen, and stared blankly at a wooden block with the handles of knives protruding from it that sat beckoningly on the counter.
Slowly, my body working without my mind's instruction, I grabbed a handle and pulled. With the quiet shick sound of a knife being unsheathed, the blade gradually began to show itself, as though it had all the time in the world. Light from a source I couldn't determine glinted off the silver as an insane smile played on my face. It really would be okay, this time. It really, really would.
Yesterday had been wonderful. Zanar and I finally had our wedding, the one we'd started planning for in August. It had been so hard, waiting those many months, but he was finally mine. We had celebrated our marriage in the traditional way. The ceremony was at noon, in our own temple, and we feasted with the entire village until sunset. After that we'd gone back to our hut and. . . celebrated in other traditional ways. All I can say about that is that I never knew euphoria could last so long and keep its beauty.
There was a calm stillness in the air on the eighth of July, broken only by my new husband's quiet, deep breathing. My own breath stopped as I listened to his, a sleepy smile still on my face. I closed my eyes, lost in the serenity and wondering how an age of such national restlessness could possibly hold a moment like this. I didn't know that by the end of the day I'd wish I'd never met the man who currently lay next to me.
A muscular arm slipped around my waist, and the quiet, deep breathing turned shallower, more normal. I closed my eyes as Zanar pressed his warm cheek to my bare back, reveling in the feeling of having his skin against mine. I whispered a little "good morning," my voice so quiet I could barely hear it.
I felt the muscles in my husband's face shift a little, and I could tell he was smiling. "'Morning, Kaira." He nuzzled his cheek against my skin and tightened his grip on my waist. "Sleep well?"
I giggled quietly. "When you finally let me get to sleep, yes."
"'Ey! You didn't seem to mind when it was happenin', ya?!" While he defended himself, the man couldn't help but grin.
I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck. "I'm kidding, Zanar." I nuzzled against his neck gently, enjoying his skin's warmth. "You know I loved it."
His eyebrows arched suggestively. I couldn't help but laugh again.
--
I leaned over my vanity table, looking into the mirror as I applied some clear, shiny goop to my lips. I then fixed my short black hair under its blue bandana and pulled on a short, sleeveless blue duster over the white dress that cut off above my knees. My feet slipped into sandals almost automatically. The summer sun would keep me warm this time of year.
I stopped for a moment to smile at my reflection. I was supposed to be trying to look my best: I was married now. I would no longer be looked at as a child. As of yesterday, I was officially a woman. Despite this, I hadn't donned the long skirts and modest shirts of the married woman of the village, instead opting for the clothing I'd worn every day for as long as I could remember.
The stillness I'd remembered feeling when I woke up suddenly fled. I stood tall and alert, my eyes flicking all over the room for the source of my sudden awareness.
I saw nothing.
I allowed myself to relax a little. There was nothing wrong. Nothing was out of order. Everything was as it should be.
I was looking dreamily out the window at the jungle when I heard him. I'd never heard more panic in his voice as I did when he screamed for me that afternoon. As soon as I heard my name called, I bolted out the door, cursing myself for ever letting my guard down.
There's no way to explain how it feels to see Sin firsthand. All your organs freeze and contract: it's like staring your own death in the face. Its thousands of eyes seem to look directly into your own, though most of the time it's impossible for it to be able to see you. In school we learned that most of it's eyes are blind. I always wondered how scholars had discovered that.
I saw it that day. From the second I first lay eyes on it, I could feel the panic rising inside me like bile up my esophagus. I swear, in that second my heart stopped.
"Kaira!"
I turned to look for Zanar. He was rushing towards me from the direction of the ocean. The direction of Sin.
"Zanar!" I ran to leap into his arms, a wild smile spreading across my features. He was here. It would all be okay now. We would die together, wrapped in each other's arms. We'd die together and be together in the Farplane. It would all be okay now.
He grabbed my forearms to stop me. "Run to the temple! Yevon'll protect you, ya? I'll meet up with you there!"
"You promise?"
"Just go!"
I went.
--
While we were younger, we used to explore the jungle together. We'd meet up at the bridge and spend the entire day running through the paths and climbing trees. Those days made for some of my clearest, happiest memories.
I thought about them now. One of the things we'd found was a path through the treetops. It was easy to find the branch we used to climb onto to get to the path.
I ran through the branches until I got to our Sitting Tree. This was were we spied on the village and it's people when we were children.
The spectacle before me drew the breath from my lungs. Sin had ripped up the wooden walkways and the huts. Torrents of water, debris, and bodies (or, in some cases, parts of bodies) swirled hundreds of feet in the air. Most of the liquid in these had turned red with blood. The sight brought up everything my stomach contained and made my throat and eyes burn.
I have no idea how long I stayed up there. I watched the path below me for Zanar the entire time.
He never came.
Absently, I listed all the reasons he could be gone. He could be helping the healers. He could be searching for bodies. He could be gathering debris for town's rebuilding.
I think somewhere inside me, I knew the real reason he hadn't come. My panic-crazed mind, however, wouldn't recognize that he wouldn't come. He wouldn't come to the temple. He wouldn't come down the path I was guarding so religiously.
I don't know what time it was when they found me. One of the village elders had come to the forest to look for survivors who fled there.
I heard their footsteps on my path and immediately jumped down from my perch. "Zanar!" I'd cried instantly, then looked up to see that it wasn't my husband at all.
I blinked in confusion. Where was Zanar? I tried to voice my confusion to the elder, but whenever I did he just shook his head and told me I'd have to see for myself.
I did see for myself, and I thank him now for not telling me before.
The only way I'd believe it was when I saw him laying on the dock in a pool of blood, pyreflies floating around his partially-lifeless body. Even then I couldn't force myself to believe that he was really dying, that no amount of potions would save him.
He turned his head towards me. "Kai--?"
I ran to him, collapsing on my knees next to him. Gently I wrapped my fingers around his and nodded. "Hush, Zanar. Don't talk, okay? I'll make sure you're okay. You'll be okay." A lone tear slipped down my freckled cheek. I didn't care enough to brush it away. I turned to the elder who had brought me here, and to the healer standing next to him. "Well?" I could tell my eyes held a hopeless look in them, and I felt a sob rising up into my throat. This couldn't be happening. I was dreaming. "Can't you give him a potion? Can't you cast your magic on him? What kind of healer are you, dammit?!"
The healer looked helpless. "I've tried everything I can. He needs stronger healing than I can give him, and we don't have time to get him to a more skillful healer." Her eyes held tears.
I couldn't accept that as an answer. "Can't you try? Can't you do anything? You're supposed to be a healer! You're supposed to be able to do something!" I began sobbing, and I couldn't help the scream my voice had turned into. "What's wrong with you? You're just going to let him die here? You're just going to stand around and do nothing? What's wrong with all of you?!" I shook my head frantically. "No. Yevon, no. I'm dreaming. I must be. This isn't happening. It's not real, dammit. . .!" And suddenly it was clear. In that moment I convinced myself that this was a dream. He couldn't be gone now, not only hours after we had pledged to be together forever. The universe wasn't that cruel. Yevon wasn't that cruel.
I was dreaming, this was just a nightmare, and I'd wake up soon. I kept repeating these three simple truths over and over inside my head.
"Kaira" Zanar's voice called to me again, weaker this time, but at least he was able to get it all out.
I turned and looked at him, then calmly placed a kiss on his lips, ignoring the fact that they were already going cold. "It's okay, Zanar. We'll wake up soon."
"I love you, Kaira."
A gentle, almost motherly smile spread across my face. "It's okay, Zanar." I repeated. Why didn't he believe me? "I told you, we'll wake up soon." I kissed him again. "And you know I love you, too."
He opened his mouth to say more, but nothing came out. His eyes became unfocused and slightly glazed. What looked like a seizure wracked his body, followed quickly by another one. Each time a burst of pyreflies escaped him.
A last spasm shook his cold body, and a giant cloud of pyreflies was all that was left of the only man I'd ever loved.
And then I was alone. It was just me and the pyrefly that skimmed gently across my cheek before spiraling up into the sky.
A moment later, a ship docked. The S.S. Liki, my slightly numb brain told me. A small group of five, maybe six, departed from it first. The elderly man and woman who governed our small village rushed over to great them.
A girl younger than me by probably a year or two stepped forward and introduced herself as a summoner from Besaid. Summoner. Besaid. Zanar had an aunt who was a summoner. She didn't bring the Calm, but she was a summoner.
She had lived in Besaid, just like him.
I wondered if this girl knew her. She probably did: Besaid was about as big as Kilika, I'd heard, maybe smaller. Summoner Yuna might have met Summoner Nayri when she was younger.
I promptly decided it was time to wake up. Taking the skin on my arm between my thumb and forefinger, I pinched hard.
It didn't work. I wasn't dreaming. This was reality.
No.
I raked my nails across my skin, sank my teeth my hand, dug my fingers into my closed eyes. Nothing worked. Nothing woke me up.
This couldn't be reality. Yevon couldn't be this cruel. He wouldn't do this. He wouldn't allow Zanar to be taken, even by a force as mighty as Sin.
At the ceremony yesterday. . . the priest had asked Yevon to bless our union. He'd asked Yevon to protect us. To aid us whenever needed.
Why hadn't he? Why hadn't Yevon helped Zanar? Why didn't he save my new husband? Why did he forsake us?
What had we done to deserve this?
A hand brushed my shoulder. I turned to look directly into Lady Yuna's eyes. "My lady. . ."
She smiled gently. "Please, call me Yuna. What's your name?"
Yuna was talking to me like a child, but for some reason I didn't mind. "Kaira," I answered simply.
"What's wrong, Lady Kaira?" She seemed genuinely concerned about me. I was used to dealing with people faking their worry for me, but this girl seemed as though she wanted to try and make all my problems better. "You look so sad."
I turned and motioned to the large patch of red that stained the dock. "My husband. Sin. . . it. . ." My eyes welled up again and I stopped talking when my voice started cracking.
She gasped quietly. "Lady Kaira, I'm so sorry," she said with true sadness in her voice. "How long were you and he married?"
A tear crawled slowly down my cheek. "Our wedding was yesterday."
She made a prayer gesture. "I'll make sure he gets to the Farplane, Lady Kaira. I promise."
I nodded my thanks as more tears followed the first. I didn't trust my voice. I bowed my head in the hopes that she wouldn't see that I was crying. I hate crying in front of strangers.
Someone called for Yuna. It was time for the sending to begin.
I followed her to one of the only stretches of the wooden walkway that was completely whole. I had to say my last goodbyes to my beloved Zanar.
She was walking out onto the water when I arrived. Time seemed to stop when she began her dance. The only sound was her feet splashing lightly.
A few moments passed in this quiet sort of calm. All of a sudden it was as though the silent music the summoner danced to reached a crescendo. The flames of the torches on the dock flared blue, and the pyreflies formed a torrent in the water under Yuna's feet, lifting her high into the air. The bursts of light that were our loved ones' souls flew into the sky. More rose from the water with every gentle yet commanding sweep of the girl's staff.
One of those bursts of light was Zanar, and I couldn't even tell him apart from the rest of our village.
He was really gone.
This thought opened up a waterfall of tears. My hand hovered inches in front of my face the way it always did when I cried. A searing pain in my legs that seemed miles away told me I had fallen to my knees subconsciously. Sherra, the elder who governed the village with her husband, Jarat, knelt next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I turned to her and, my arms wrapping around her middle, sobbed onto her shoulder. She gently stroked my hair, whispering and cooing in an attempt to pacify me. She was like a mother to me, as my biological one had been taken in the same attack by Sin that took her first husband. The attack was when I was four years old. I barely remembered the woman who gave birth to me, and I'd never met my father. Sherra had raised me, as she had many of the village youths. Now my tie to her was stronger than ever: We'd both lost our first husbands at the hands of this horrible monster.
"Quiet yourself, Kaira. You're an adult now. You can't cry over those we've lost. You must be strong."
I simply stared at her. How could she say that?
The old woman looked away. "I'm sorry, Kaira. I know what you're feeling, child, believe me, I know, but you have to be strong. If not for yourself, be strong for him, and for his memory. Can you do that?"
I nodded, though I wasn't sure I could.
"Grief is a powerful foe," she said quietly. "But you can defeat it."
Yuna was done with her sending. Sherra, after planting a soft kiss on the top of my head, rushed to thank her.
One of the summoner's guardians also went to meet her. Their was a brief exchange between them, of which I only caught the last part.
"But, no tears next time, okay?"
Yuna nodded and looked at the ground. As she walked away from the small platform she had performed the sending on, her eyes met mine. There was a brief connection between us. I didn't know what happened to a Summoner when she sent the dead, but whatever it was, it somehow gave her a deeper tie to the deceased and those who were mourning them. She turned and murmured something to the guardian who had come to greet her. The woman looked at me, then nodded to Yuna.
I looked out at the now-calm sea. The small waves lapped gently against the post holding up the wharf I still knelt on. A moment later, the boards creaked and I heard Yuna's calm, sweet voice next to me.
"I really can't explain what happens to me when I send. Valefor, the fayth I received at my home temple... she just kind of takes control of my body. It's her that's sending them, not me. She's just using my body."
I didn't know what to say to that, so I said nothing, instead choosing to give her a confused look.
"It means I can focus my mind on the spirits of the dead. I don't really speak with them, but I can feel their thoughts, you know?"
I shook my head. I didn't know what she was talking about or the point she was trying to get to.
She sighed and frowned, obviously trying to think of a way to say what she was trying to. "What I mean is that I can feel what they think and want. I can help them... not cut, but be able to leave behind their ties to Spira. One of them was especially insistent on staying. I promised that person that would tell someone something for him."
I stopped breathing. Was she saying what I thought she was saying?
Yuna hesitated a moment, then covered my hand with hers. "Zanar wants you to know that the reason he didn't come to meet you was because he was trying to fight off Sin. He says he doesn't know why he thought he could, but he and the rest of the Youth League, whatever that is, had to try to at least steer it away from the town. He says he's sorry he didn't come to see you again. He wants to make sure you know he loves you and will wait for you on the Farplane."
If I had any tears left in me I'd be crying again. I knew these things, but there was something about knowing these were his last thoughts before the was sent to the Farplane. . . it somehow made me feel like I would really see him again soon. I closed my eyes. "He won't have to wait long," I say, my voice quiet.
Yuna closed her eyes. "I know that this must be hard for you. I lost my father to Sin when I was seven. Though the circumstances were... different for me than they were for you, I know what it's like. The pain, the confusion. . . I didn't really understand death then, so I thought my father had walked out on me, left me by choice. I understand now that he didn't want leave me, but he had to do what he had to do. My father, High Summoner Braska, is the reason I'm a Summoner today. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Zanar didn't die to cause you pain. I'm sure he would rather have lived the rest of his life here on Spira with you. I'm sure he would have loved more than anything to live here in Kilika with you, have a big family, and die peacefully of old age. . . but, unfortunately, these times rarely allows for that. Please, Lady Kaira, try to be strong and live. If not for yourself, do it for him. He wants you to live and love again."
"I'm not strong, Yuna. I'm not strong like you were. I can't stand the thought of living another day without him by my side. I love him, Yuna. Have you ever been in love with a man so much that you can't stand the thought of life without him?"
She looked down. "I don't know. I don't think so, not yet." A fleeting smile crossed her face. "I may be now. But I hope not. You know what happens when a Summoner completes her pilgrimage. I wouldn't want to put anyone through that sort of pain. The pain I know you're feeling for Zanar."
I shook my head and said nothing.
"Try, please, Kaira. Try to live again. Try to love again. It's what he wants for you."
"It's not what I want for me."
Yuna bit her lip, obviously debating what to do. "I suppose, then, that what you do. . . is none of my business..." she mumbled, not meeting my eyes.
I felt suddenly ashamed. "I'll try, Yuna. I will. I just... after knowing what it's like to fall asleep in his arms, I don't think I'll be able to sleep without that feeling of safety."
She nodded. "Two of my guardians lost a friend to Sin. One of them was his brother, the other his fiancé. Lulu, the woman with me in the black dress, said the same thing that you just said on the night we found out he'd been taken." She lay her hand on my shoulder. "She made it. She's still here with me. I know she still mourns Chappu, but she found a way to live on. I'm sure that you'll be able to, too."
"Yuna," someone behind us called. We both turned. Lulu, I could now identify her as, stood a few yards away. "It's late, and tomorrow you have to pray at the temple. Come get some sleep."
Yuna nodded and turned back to me. "You'll be okay?"
I nodded. "I'll try."
She stood to leave.
"Yuna?"
The girl looked down at me. "Mmhmm?"
"Thank you."
She simply smiled and joined her guardian to return to the inn for the night.
--
"Oh, Yevon."
I stood in the doorway to the hut Zanar and I had shared only this morning. It was completely untouched. Everything in here was as we'd left it. The wooden floor was covered with a thin layer of water that had splashed in through the windows, but that was it. If we'd only stayed in here during the attack we would both be here now.
The irony hit me like a slap to the face. The fact that he died trying to protect me, and got me out of the one place that probably would have kept me safe was horrible to think about.
Somehow I ended up in our room, curled up in a ball on the soggy queen- sized bed we'd shared for only one night. I stared into the darkness blankly, as though an answer would come from the blackness that had descended upon the village while I had been speaking with Yuna.
After a moment, I noticed a darker rectangle protruding from the darkness. The doorway, my mind dimly recognized. Through that doorway was another that led outside, and a second that led to our small kitchen.
I knew what would be in the kitchen.
And again I found myself walking without my mind consciously telling my legs to. I stood in the kitchen, and stared blankly at a wooden block with the handles of knives protruding from it that sat beckoningly on the counter.
Slowly, my body working without my mind's instruction, I grabbed a handle and pulled. With the quiet shick sound of a knife being unsheathed, the blade gradually began to show itself, as though it had all the time in the world. Light from a source I couldn't determine glinted off the silver as an insane smile played on my face. It really would be okay, this time. It really, really would.