I originally wrote this for the_pimp_cane, but was told I should post it here too. It's slashy, so if you don't like it, don't read it.
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Here I Lie
Here I lie.
On a bed of hard lumps. In a tiny cell. The corridor patrolled by the soul
stealing Dementors.
Not that I ever had one to steal.
Here I lie.
Forgotten by those who once loved me. Those who I loved. No, never plural -
there was only one who loved me, and only one who I loved. Tragically, they
were not the same person.
Draco, my only son, who looked up to me and everyday I couldn't help but notice
your hero worship. Worship of me, the evil man, the heartless man. It did not
matter to you what I was, just who I was, your father. The Devil. It didn't
matter. I couldn't be man enough to let myself love you, you who should have
meant the world to me. To me you were just an expected product of an expected
marriage. I felt nothing. An empty husk, for whom 'emotion' is nothing more
than a word in the dictionary.
You've forgotten me Draco, and you'll be all the better for it.
And Severus, the only one I ever loved, you too have forgotten me. My presence
in your life was never healthy, I abused my power over you, treated you like
vermin, but then, that was the only way I knew to treat people. I didn't know
how to react with what I felt around you. I sourly regret not being able to
tell you what you meant to me. How you were the only person since my childhood
to provoke in me such a strong feeling.
I close my eyes as I think of him. His velvet voice, his alluring black eyes,
his gentle touch. A smile curls at the corner of my lips, and the feeling
returns. The feeling that my heart is trying to squeeze itself of all its
blood. Love. Or at least I hope it is, for I know not enough to call it
anything else. I never thought I of all people would need knowledge on that
particular subject.
I get up and begin to pace around the room, finally resting my back against the
bare stone wall. The wall opposite is bare like all the rest, so as usual my
mind does my seeing and not my eyes.
You were afraid of the then powerful Dark Lord and needed someone, and I was
simply bored, wanted something new. At first that was all there was too it.
Then I became curious: Why did you ostracize your self from everyone? Why did
you always have a look of never ending pain in your eyes? Quite the odd pair we
were. You tried to hide yourself away to loose all feeling, and you always
failed. I, who no matter how many people I was surrounded by, could not feel no
matter how much I tried.
The more time I spent with you, the more nights of unforgettable pleasure we
had together, I found this alien feeling in my chest grew stronger, and I
wanted more. Now I am even less sure it is love, for love means happiness,
doesn't it? I have never known 'happy' since I was a child, and this feeling,
this feeling that no matter how many days or weeks or months drag past, refuses
to weaken.
I clutch my hand over my chest. What is this feeling?
A Dementor sweeps into my cell, it's hungry. It cups its hands around my face
and pulls me into its life draining embrace. After a second it releases me, and
I fall onto the ground. I have lost nothing, as I have nothing to lose. The
Dementor leaves, in search of a more satisfying meal. Less and less the wraiths
are coming these days.
Here I lie.
On cold hard stone, a small spider scurrying past me. I make no effort to move,
the floor seems more comfortable anyway.
Here I lie.
Soon to be forgotten by the Dementors themselves.
