Author's Note: This is the end of this arc, but Mystique's story picks up, and gets more complicated, in "Where I Belong."
Damn him. The arrogant little bastard. Why could I not be some place where no one had the ability to tell whether I was asleep or awake?
I opened my eyes and adjusted my covers. And why did the runt have to get so close and be so kind to me? It confused me. He was my enemy. But I found myself remembering the warmth of his breath against my cheek, his gentle whispers against my ear, and …
No. I was not going to think about that. He was just showing off, telling me he knew I was awake. Better to think about how I felt right now.
My right side was still warm from my son's body. I had awakened when he left my bed to speak with Wolverine. I wished Kurt was still here, his delicate hair brushing my cheek. It felt good to have my son with me again, holding me.
I stretched out my arms. They were not fastened down, but the heavy metal cuffs still tightly clasped my wrists. I felt weak and tired, but less hot than before, and my head felt clear.
Rogue had been so quiet earlier, so diminished. She normally was far more energetic. I frowned. My head had cleared enough that I finally understood why, and I was not happy about it. She thought I was going to die. They all probably thought I was going to die.
Was I? I did not know. I did not think so.
Did I want to?
Oh, now that was the question, was it not? I gave some thought to it. I thought about Destiny's sacrifice, Rogue's shining eyes, and Kurt's loving embrace. I remembered the long time past, the grayness of each day, and the dullness of merely existing. It would be hard to live. Where could I go? What would I do? I was not cut out for ordinary work.
I did not want to live, I knew, if life would be the way it had been before I was brought here. I could not face that awful bleak time again. But I could change things. I would not let that time return. I am Mystique. I do not let things happen to me. I make them happen.
A sly corner of my mind asked are you certain? Living would be harder, in some ways, than dying. You cannot count on help from anyone once you get better. What will you do? Try to join the X-men?
I became a little uneasy at the idea of joining them. I did consider it for a few minutes, though. Then I became more uneasy as I realized I was considering it seriously. No. That would not work. They had somehow accepted Rogue, but there was no way they could accept me. I have done too much to ever be trusted by them. Even if some of them could, that would merely split the group, and I did not want to be responsible for that.
Then what can you do, Mystique?
I had no answer this time, but not knowing what to do with my life was no reason to end it. I liked the idea of having a thousand different possibilities, a thousand different sparkling paths to follow even if the journey would be hard and lonely, whichever one I chose.
As I sank into sleep again, I decided to fight for life anyway. And I made a vow. I was not going to move to Alaska. I was tired of the chill of winter.
