Daughter of Galadriel: A Sue Parodied

By Starfish of the Elves

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns all, Orlando Bloom owns himself, to the dismay of the fangirls, and Mary-Sues belong to Morgoth. All right, maybe they don't, but they should. The ever-so-irritating Mary-Sue in this story belongs to me because no one else wants her, but maybe one day I'll sell her to a barrow-Wight.

*

Galadriel stared into her Mirror, idly knowing that no vision would come. Suddenly, she was startled by Haldir. He darted toward her, eyes wide with fear.

"My lady! There is a strange creature in the forest!"

"Surely Haldir, you can…"

"No! 'Tis different, 'tis strange. Please, you must come!"

Galadriel had never seen her march warden so distraught, and followed him. At the borders of Lothlorien there stood a girl in the midst of a swarm of orcs. The two watched, soon joined by Rumil and Orophin, as the blonde girl fought the orcs fiercely, yet gracefully. The last orc stabbed her arm and she screamed in pain before staggering over to Galadriel.

"I must talk to you Galadriel!" she shrieked, and collapsed. A few Elves that were currently patrolling the border carried her away. Next to Galadriel, Haldir, brave march warden who had faced orcs and Uruk-Hai countless times, was shaking like a frightened rabbit. She shook her head. Times were indeed strange.

~

When the girl awoke in a talan with Healers standing by, she smiled. Everything was going just as it should.

It got better. Galadriel floated in. The girl pulled herself up in a dignified way. Galadriel beat her to the subject.

"You wanted to see me?"

"Yes," said the girl, smoothing her untangled gold hair and blinking her large golden violet eyes, which she thought shone like the sunset, like the sea at sunset, like the brightest coral reef in the sea at sunset, like the most colorful fish swimming near the brightest coral reef in the sea at sunset, like the scales of—but, I digress. "I am the daughter of you and Elrond, aren't I?"

Before Galadriel could respond, she added, "And I will one day rule all Elves because this"—here she brandished a locket containing a picture of Orlando Bloom—"symbolizes my destiny."

She would have continued, but Galadriel stopped her, saying, "Rest child," and leaving swiftly. Once well out of sight, she dropped all dignity and ran to Celeborn, telling all she had heard.

~

"I should have known," sighed Celeborn. "Thranduil's realm has been invaded nearly every day. You must let these creatures—Thranduil calls them 'Sues,' that's what the first said her name was—believe whatever they wish, for it seems they always find Legolas of Mirkwood and die in his arms. Fortunately, he has been summoned to Imladris and won't be returning for a long while, seeing as the journey itself takes months."

"Poor, foolish, creatures." She sighed. "Haldir fears them. But I suppose I do myself. These—these Sues are most unnatural."

"It is said that they are from another world," said Celeborn, "and it is indeed a strange world to harbor such creatures with exotic beauty, strange heritages, bizarre powers, and difficult names."

Galadriel shook her golden head and, with this new knowledge, strode away to see her Sue.

~

When the Sue saw Galadriel coming, she began twiddling her locket with obvious subtleness. Then she sat up and said confidently, "You see Amy"—Galadriel cocked her head. Did the girl mean Ammё? —"you fell in love with Elrond before Celebrian did." The girl then described a long, passionate, tragic, and very out of character love affair involving sneaking away, jealous husbands, sobbing daughters, faerie unicorns, glass roses, and nights by rivers and ending with "and then you sent me to Earth until I could know my destiny. Because, you see, Sauron wants me dead because I am his niece and the only one who can overthrow him." –Galadriel did not see how this was possible, but, out of courtesy, kept silent.—"Celeborn would of course be very jealous if he found out about you and Elrond"—here she described many things that the author has omitted, due to bad mental pictures. The girl continued, showing no signs of needing oxygen. "And then you arranged for me to marry Legolas to join the three Elf realms! Can you imagine? You arranged my marriage! I'll never learn to love!" The Sue buried her head in her pillow and sobbed. Galadriel, having gathered her information, left while the enemy was distracted.