Scene 1

Deku Tree: Hey Navi, go get Link.

Navi: Who?

DT: LINK! THE DUDE THAT LIVES IN THE TREE!

Navi: They all live in trees.

DT: Do I have to do everything myself? Go find the dude without a fairy!!!!

Navi: ~mumbling~ he can't move..he's just a stick in the mud. ~flies off~ (in Link's house)

Navi: Hey farthead, get outta bed!

Link: I don't wanna go to school today I wanna stay home and bake cookies with you.

Navi: Freak! Get outta bed! I'm a fairy! I can't make cookies! You should worship my presence! You haven't had a fairy! Now you do! BOW BEFORE ME!

Link: Did you fart?

Navi: YES! I mean, no! Get up and let's move! That stick in the mud needs you.

Link: The Deku tree?

Navi: Yeah, whatever.

(go outside, see Saria)

Saria: Hey honey, how you doing?

Link: Saria, we broke up two months ago!!!

Saria: But baby.

Link: Look. After I saw you making out with all three of the Know-It-All brothers - at the same time - I think I had reason enough to leave!

Saria: But I so lonely.

Link: Mido adores you. Go take him to your Sacred Forest Meadow and amuse yourselves.

(Saria walks off in a huff. Link walks to go to Deku Tree. No appearance from Mido, who has mysteriously vanished.Deku Baba jumps from ground. Link unarmed.)

Link: (kicking it) Hey you overgrown excuse for a tulip! Get outta my way!

Navi: YEAH!

(Deku Baba eats Navi. From inside, we hear muffled mumbling. Link performs mouth-to-mouth on the Deku Baba. Navi comes out, Deku Baba dies.)

Navi: Link did you brush your teeth this morning?

Link: Uh.no

Navi: No wonder the tulip croaked! Get a tic-tac!

(in presence of Deku tree)

DT: Took you long enough I want my cheese pizza right now.

Navi: Shut up, you dumb overgrown thornbush!

DT: Make me, you diminuitized firefly! Link, go kill the disease inside me!

Link: Heck no! I ain't going inside you, your breath is probably worse than mine! Probably haven't brushed, in like, a century!

Navi: How does a tree brush it's teeth? He doesn't have any.

Link: That's why he ain't got none, he hadn't brushed.

(DT opens mouth)

DT: Just go!

(Mario walks in with Kokiri sword and shield. Humming Mario song.)

Mario:..don't tell me, wrong game again.

Link: Uh..yeah. Three games down. But leave my sword and shield.

Mario: I paid 40 rupees for that thing!

Link: LEAVE IT!

(grumbling Mario leaves it to Link) Link: Let's get this over with.someone get me a gas mask.

And so ends Scene 1