Scene 2: Long scene with Zelda

Link: I go in the Deku Tree and all I get is shiny green stone!

Navi: It's a very pretty shiny stone, but I didn't get anything! Now I have to follow you around everywhere!

Link: At least you don't have to save the world.

Navi: Look! There's Saria! Is this bridge stable, 'cause if it isn't I'm not gonna cross.

Link: It's stable, but why are you worrying? You can fly!

Navi: Oh yeah. I forgot.

Saria: Hi Link! I heard you were leaving, so I went and bribed Mido to buy me this Ocarina thingy so I could give it to you as present.

Link: Looks like a baby pig to me. Besides, I'm not gonna go back out with you!

Saria: Ah drat!

Link: ~takes baby pig looking thingy and runs away~

Owl that just happens to be perched on a tree just outside of Kokiri forest: Where are you going Link?

Link: Hey! How did you know my name?

Owl: Internet. Hey! Rock candy!

Link: What?

Owl: (swoops down and takes the green shiny stone thingy and eats it) Yum!

Navi: Now you don't have anything from the great Deku tree!

Link: Who cares? Let's go see princess Zelda.

Navi: Now you sound like me!

(Enter Hyrule Castle)

Link: Excuse me Mr. Guard, but can I go through?

Guard: NO! THIS IS MY GATE AND NONE SHALL PASS!

Link: Well fine then!

Navi: Hey, there's some vines over there you can climb!

Link: And a girl!

Navi: Yeah.and vines.

Link: And a girl!

Navi: VINES!

Link: GIRL!

(Link walks over to Malon)

Link: Well, hello. How are you this fine evening?

Malon: Kiss me.

Link: Okay.

(They proceed to do so)

Navi: Will you two stop acting like immature teenagers?

Link: (muffled) I am an immature teenager!

(After awhile, they stop)

Malon: For that, you may have my chicken egg. Use it to wake up my stupid father.

Link: Will you marry me in 7 years?

Malon: Sure!

(Navi rolls eyes. Link climbs up vines)

Link: How am I supposed to get by these nimwits?

Navi: I don't know, maybe it involves NOT MAKING ANY LONG TERM COMMITMENTS!

Link: Shut up. I can avoid these idiots.

(Link zigzags past guards. Then he comes to Talon.)

Link: Look at this old geezer. He'll be my father-in-law someday! Hey my chicken egg cracked!

Navi: That's not the only thing that's cracked!

Link: I will say it again. Shut up.

(Chicken wakes Talon up)

Talon: Hey what's up man? What's chilling?

Link: Okay...........................

Talon: I was delivering milk to the guys in the castle, but I must of dozed off, my baby's gonna kill me!

(Runs off)

Link: Okay....................his baby?

Navi: He probably hasn't realized she grew up.

Link: He's been asleep that long?!?!?!?

Navi: Well.it was an idea.

~navigate past guards~

Link: (To princess Zelda when he gets there) Hi princess, whatcha doing!?!

Zelda: You have those idiotic green clothes! And a stupid Fairy! You must be from the woods!

Link: forest

Zelda: Yeah, whatever. What's your name?

Link: What happens if I say Thadius Ignatious Pignoses Robert Lee Alexandra Bennett?

Zelda: Wow! That sounds familiar!

Link: I'm Zelda.

Zelda: Oh, well that sounds familiar too!

Link: I'm Link.

Zelda: Strange name!

Link: My name isn't strange.

Zelda: I had a strange dream that'll go with your strange name. Do you have the shiny green rock?

Link: No.

Zelda: (looks disappointed with puppy dog eyes) tell me the truth! Do you have it?

Link: No

Zelda: (whispers) say yes (slaphappy voice) Tell me the truth. Do you have it?

Link: No.

Zelda: (smiles) good! I knew you would! I know a secret legend. If you promise not to tell I'll tell you.

Link: don't worry princess. I'll tell the world for you!

Zelda: That's not what I..

Link: I'll ride to Lon Lon ranch, and the far land of clock town, telling everyone of the story so they can be well informed! Then I'll grab Epona and ride to the lake, telling everyone about sliced bread, and little coconuts with little pink flamingo print umbrellas and...

Zelda: No! Don't tell anyone!

Link: All right, all right! I'll close my mouth to never say a word! I'll zip my lips. Nothing shall pass my honorable lips. I won't even think about saying anything. I will stay silent!

Zelda: Just don't tell anyone about what I'm going to tell you.

Link: Okay, if you give me a large cheese pizza.

Zelda: I can't do that!

Link: And why not?

Zelda: we have no cheese!

Link: Why not?

Zelda: I am, I am.. I'm Lactose Intolerant! (Cries hysterically)

Link: It's all right. I'll just have something else instead.

Zelda: Okay. Long ago three flying things shot up from the sky. One was called Dim, one was called Witted, and the last was called Idiot. They made three shiny squares forming three shiny square thingys in the shape of a triangle. Which we shall now call the pyramid.

Link: Wow..

Zelda: I believe that evil man in there is trying to take over the world. You can't miss him. He's green. His name is Ganondork.

Link: If you squint real hard he looks like a frog.

Zelda: cool! But that's not the point! Go ride to find the blue shiny thing, and the red one! (pauses) Have I told you lately that I love you?

Link: Why no you haven't, but feel free my dear.

~the two begin making love in the middle of the courtyard~

Navi: That's just wrong. Why can't I get any lovin'?

~a woman with many pimples walks in~

Zelda: Pimply don't distract me!

Pimply: It's time for you to leave Link.

Link: How do you know my name?

Pimply: Because I love you.

Link: Right.I think I'll show myself to the door.

Zelda: No, you must let Pimply lead you out.

Pimply: (In funny accent) My name is Impa! And I want to make passionate love to you Link.

Link: (runs away with Navi trailing behind him)

Zelda: Oh by the way, remember this song! LA LA LAAA! LA LA LAA!

Link: (still running) remember that for me.Navi.

Navi: (flying along effortlessly) What's in it for me?

Link: I'll make love to you later.

Navi: YES!

Link: Right.Hi ho, hi ho, off to find the stones we go, hum hum hum!

And so ends the long scene two of Links adventure.