Scene Three: The Fat Ugly Rock Guys
Navi: (looking at Death Mountain) That doesn't look very safe.
Link: Who cares? I want my pretty stone!
Navi: Yeah, cause you lost your first one!
(Owl dude flies overhead)
Owl: Hey! This ain't rock candy! Why you little.
(owl proceeds to attack Link with sharp, pointy teeth.wait owls don't have teeth.)
Navi: Link you idiot! Use your sword!
Link: Oh yeah.
(Link knocks the crap out of the owl, and the owl faints)
Link: Okay Navi, I want you to fly into the owl and get my rock back.
Navi: There ain't no way!
Link: NOW!!!
(Navi grumbles and flies into the owl. She/He comes out empty handed.)
Navi: It's too heavy! I can't carry it!
Link: (groans) Those Goron thingy's have bombs.we could blow the owl up!
Navi: Ok.
~Link picks up the owl and carries it to the Goron place~
Link: HEY! This door won't open! (goes and bangs on it) OPEN IT YOU FART!
(Darunia opens the door)
Darunia: What do you want, crater head?
Link: I need a bomb to blow this owl up.
Darunia: I can't. I'm too depressed. Go learn a song from your green friend and play it for me. Then I'll let you blow up the owl.
Link: I don't wanna! She's my ex-girlfriend and wants me so bad it ain't funny!
Darunia: Well, that means you have the advantage, don't you?
(Link and Navi leave, grumbling)
Back at Kokiri Forest.
~Link goes to Saria's house~
Link: Hey Saria, how you been?
Saria: Link, you love me again?
Link: Darling, I've never been so in love with you.
Saria: Wow.can we get married in like, seven years?
Link: Sure honey, anything you say. I feel as though you should teach me that ocarina song as a symbol of our love.
Saria: Of course, dearest.
~Link learns song, returns to Darunia~
Link: Okay, you ugly rock. Here goes.
~Plays Saria's song~
Darunia: Oh yeah baby! (discoes insanely)
Link: Yeah yeah, sure sure, now give me the bombs!
Darunia: Actually.I don't have any. I'll have to give you the bracelet that allows you to pick them up.
Link: How dare you!!! You fart head!
Navi: Link that's not nice.
Link: I DON'T CARE!
~Navi sniffles~
Navi: I trained him so well.
Link: I don't want to wear a bracelet! I'm not a girl!
Darunia: Look, do you want to be able to pick up bombs or not?
Link: Okay, give me the stupid thing.
~receives Goron's Bracelet, then takes owl and Navi outside, in front of Dodongo's cavern~
Link: Okay we set this little feller here, and then set the bomb down....
~bomb explodes, along with owl and rock covering cavern~
Link: I hope I didn't scratch it.
Navi: You're an idiot.
Link: You gave me the idea!
Navi: Oh.
Link: Well, I got my green shiny stone now.now I guess I go in the little cave thingy bobber.
Navi: Duh!
~Enter Dodongo's cavern~
To make a long story short, they defeat that place and are back outside with Darunia.
Darunia: We're sacred brothers now.
Link: WHAT IN THE HECK? I ain't your brother! Just give me the shiny stone!
Darunia: Not until you admit we are sacred brothers!
Link: (sighs) all right. We can be sacred brothers. Whatever that means.
Darunia: That means we are brothers spiritually, now if you marry my sister.
Link: I didn't know you had a sister, but I think I'll decline. She's probably ugly anyway.
Darunia: You can be my brother from all possible ways!
Link: I knew a man that killed his brother.
Darunia: all right I'll shut up. Here's the shiny stone.
Link: You rock.
Darunia: No I just look like one. Go do whatever you have to do. Oh um.there's a fairy you need to see on top of Death Mountain.
Link: Is it anything like this weirdo? (gestures to Navi)
Darunia: Oh trust me these fairies are like nothing you've ever seen before.
(Link nods and leaves with Navi)
Link: Well it's time to journey up Death Mountain..hey what the *@&$?? (rocks begin falling on the two adventurers)
Navi: RUN!
(the two make a run for the end of the passage)
Link: Stupid Goron, he's trying to kill me.
(go up wall, enter fairy place)
Link: Um.no one's here.
Navi: (muttering) stupid.
Link: What?
Navi: There's a triforce, you have to play the song Zelda taught you.
Link: The one you were supposed to remember?
Navi: Yes! It goes LA LA LAAA!
Link: How am I supposed to play that? You have no pitch!
Navi: Take a whack at it. Maybe it'll work.
Link: (plays the ocarina)
~obscene laughing comes from the water~
Fairy: Well hello. How are you today, my dear?
Link: Boob.boob.boob.
Fairy: Yes they are, would you like to see them?
Navi: He's mine biyotch!
Fairy: Not anymore.
~the two make passionate love~
Navi: Why am I always left out?
Fairy: For that wonderful time I will grant you a magic sword spell. RECEIVE IT NOW!
~Link goes spinny spinny and gets the spell~
Fairy: I have a friend living behind a rock in a hole at Hyrule Castle. You should go show her a good time.
Link: Oh I will.don't worry.
~they leave and journey to the other fairy place doohickey thingymabobber~
Link: (plays the song again)
~more obscene laughter~
Fairy 2: WELL HOWDY Y'ALL!
Link: Oh crap.
~a fairy dressed in a plaid shirt and overalls pops out of the fountain~
Fairy 2: How boutcha give me a kiss?
Link: How about not.
Navi: Do you have a spell for us?
Fairy 2: Only for a kiss.
Link: Navi, kiss her.
Navi: WHAT?!?!
Link: You were complaining about how you didn't get any action now KISS HER!
Navi: (grumbles, kisses Fairy 2 quickly and then speeds back to hide behind Link) Fairy 2: Take this here fire spell. It's called Dim's Fire. Bout how Dim created fire when she accidentally used her magic to set herself on fire.
Link: Right.we're outta here.
~they run off~
And so ends scene three. Cut and that's a wrap!
Navi: (looking at Death Mountain) That doesn't look very safe.
Link: Who cares? I want my pretty stone!
Navi: Yeah, cause you lost your first one!
(Owl dude flies overhead)
Owl: Hey! This ain't rock candy! Why you little.
(owl proceeds to attack Link with sharp, pointy teeth.wait owls don't have teeth.)
Navi: Link you idiot! Use your sword!
Link: Oh yeah.
(Link knocks the crap out of the owl, and the owl faints)
Link: Okay Navi, I want you to fly into the owl and get my rock back.
Navi: There ain't no way!
Link: NOW!!!
(Navi grumbles and flies into the owl. She/He comes out empty handed.)
Navi: It's too heavy! I can't carry it!
Link: (groans) Those Goron thingy's have bombs.we could blow the owl up!
Navi: Ok.
~Link picks up the owl and carries it to the Goron place~
Link: HEY! This door won't open! (goes and bangs on it) OPEN IT YOU FART!
(Darunia opens the door)
Darunia: What do you want, crater head?
Link: I need a bomb to blow this owl up.
Darunia: I can't. I'm too depressed. Go learn a song from your green friend and play it for me. Then I'll let you blow up the owl.
Link: I don't wanna! She's my ex-girlfriend and wants me so bad it ain't funny!
Darunia: Well, that means you have the advantage, don't you?
(Link and Navi leave, grumbling)
Back at Kokiri Forest.
~Link goes to Saria's house~
Link: Hey Saria, how you been?
Saria: Link, you love me again?
Link: Darling, I've never been so in love with you.
Saria: Wow.can we get married in like, seven years?
Link: Sure honey, anything you say. I feel as though you should teach me that ocarina song as a symbol of our love.
Saria: Of course, dearest.
~Link learns song, returns to Darunia~
Link: Okay, you ugly rock. Here goes.
~Plays Saria's song~
Darunia: Oh yeah baby! (discoes insanely)
Link: Yeah yeah, sure sure, now give me the bombs!
Darunia: Actually.I don't have any. I'll have to give you the bracelet that allows you to pick them up.
Link: How dare you!!! You fart head!
Navi: Link that's not nice.
Link: I DON'T CARE!
~Navi sniffles~
Navi: I trained him so well.
Link: I don't want to wear a bracelet! I'm not a girl!
Darunia: Look, do you want to be able to pick up bombs or not?
Link: Okay, give me the stupid thing.
~receives Goron's Bracelet, then takes owl and Navi outside, in front of Dodongo's cavern~
Link: Okay we set this little feller here, and then set the bomb down....
~bomb explodes, along with owl and rock covering cavern~
Link: I hope I didn't scratch it.
Navi: You're an idiot.
Link: You gave me the idea!
Navi: Oh.
Link: Well, I got my green shiny stone now.now I guess I go in the little cave thingy bobber.
Navi: Duh!
~Enter Dodongo's cavern~
To make a long story short, they defeat that place and are back outside with Darunia.
Darunia: We're sacred brothers now.
Link: WHAT IN THE HECK? I ain't your brother! Just give me the shiny stone!
Darunia: Not until you admit we are sacred brothers!
Link: (sighs) all right. We can be sacred brothers. Whatever that means.
Darunia: That means we are brothers spiritually, now if you marry my sister.
Link: I didn't know you had a sister, but I think I'll decline. She's probably ugly anyway.
Darunia: You can be my brother from all possible ways!
Link: I knew a man that killed his brother.
Darunia: all right I'll shut up. Here's the shiny stone.
Link: You rock.
Darunia: No I just look like one. Go do whatever you have to do. Oh um.there's a fairy you need to see on top of Death Mountain.
Link: Is it anything like this weirdo? (gestures to Navi)
Darunia: Oh trust me these fairies are like nothing you've ever seen before.
(Link nods and leaves with Navi)
Link: Well it's time to journey up Death Mountain..hey what the *@&$?? (rocks begin falling on the two adventurers)
Navi: RUN!
(the two make a run for the end of the passage)
Link: Stupid Goron, he's trying to kill me.
(go up wall, enter fairy place)
Link: Um.no one's here.
Navi: (muttering) stupid.
Link: What?
Navi: There's a triforce, you have to play the song Zelda taught you.
Link: The one you were supposed to remember?
Navi: Yes! It goes LA LA LAAA!
Link: How am I supposed to play that? You have no pitch!
Navi: Take a whack at it. Maybe it'll work.
Link: (plays the ocarina)
~obscene laughing comes from the water~
Fairy: Well hello. How are you today, my dear?
Link: Boob.boob.boob.
Fairy: Yes they are, would you like to see them?
Navi: He's mine biyotch!
Fairy: Not anymore.
~the two make passionate love~
Navi: Why am I always left out?
Fairy: For that wonderful time I will grant you a magic sword spell. RECEIVE IT NOW!
~Link goes spinny spinny and gets the spell~
Fairy: I have a friend living behind a rock in a hole at Hyrule Castle. You should go show her a good time.
Link: Oh I will.don't worry.
~they leave and journey to the other fairy place doohickey thingymabobber~
Link: (plays the song again)
~more obscene laughter~
Fairy 2: WELL HOWDY Y'ALL!
Link: Oh crap.
~a fairy dressed in a plaid shirt and overalls pops out of the fountain~
Fairy 2: How boutcha give me a kiss?
Link: How about not.
Navi: Do you have a spell for us?
Fairy 2: Only for a kiss.
Link: Navi, kiss her.
Navi: WHAT?!?!
Link: You were complaining about how you didn't get any action now KISS HER!
Navi: (grumbles, kisses Fairy 2 quickly and then speeds back to hide behind Link) Fairy 2: Take this here fire spell. It's called Dim's Fire. Bout how Dim created fire when she accidentally used her magic to set herself on fire.
Link: Right.we're outta here.
~they run off~
And so ends scene three. Cut and that's a wrap!
