Scene Three: The Fat Ugly Rock Guys

Navi: (looking at Death Mountain) That doesn't look very safe.

Link: Who cares? I want my pretty stone!

Navi: Yeah, cause you lost your first one!

(Owl dude flies overhead)

Owl: Hey! This ain't rock candy! Why you little.

(owl proceeds to attack Link with sharp, pointy teeth.wait owls don't have teeth.)

Navi: Link you idiot! Use your sword!

Link: Oh yeah.

(Link knocks the crap out of the owl, and the owl faints)

Link: Okay Navi, I want you to fly into the owl and get my rock back.

Navi: There ain't no way!

Link: NOW!!!

(Navi grumbles and flies into the owl. She/He comes out empty handed.)

Navi: It's too heavy! I can't carry it!

Link: (groans) Those Goron thingy's have bombs.we could blow the owl up!

Navi: Ok.

~Link picks up the owl and carries it to the Goron place~

Link: HEY! This door won't open! (goes and bangs on it) OPEN IT YOU FART!

(Darunia opens the door)

Darunia: What do you want, crater head?

Link: I need a bomb to blow this owl up.

Darunia: I can't. I'm too depressed. Go learn a song from your green friend and play it for me. Then I'll let you blow up the owl.

Link: I don't wanna! She's my ex-girlfriend and wants me so bad it ain't funny!

Darunia: Well, that means you have the advantage, don't you?

(Link and Navi leave, grumbling)

Back at Kokiri Forest.

~Link goes to Saria's house~

Link: Hey Saria, how you been?

Saria: Link, you love me again?

Link: Darling, I've never been so in love with you.

Saria: Wow.can we get married in like, seven years?

Link: Sure honey, anything you say. I feel as though you should teach me that ocarina song as a symbol of our love.

Saria: Of course, dearest.

~Link learns song, returns to Darunia~

Link: Okay, you ugly rock. Here goes.

~Plays Saria's song~

Darunia: Oh yeah baby! (discoes insanely)

Link: Yeah yeah, sure sure, now give me the bombs!

Darunia: Actually.I don't have any. I'll have to give you the bracelet that allows you to pick them up.

Link: How dare you!!! You fart head!

Navi: Link that's not nice.

Link: I DON'T CARE!

~Navi sniffles~

Navi: I trained him so well.

Link: I don't want to wear a bracelet! I'm not a girl!

Darunia: Look, do you want to be able to pick up bombs or not?

Link: Okay, give me the stupid thing.

~receives Goron's Bracelet, then takes owl and Navi outside, in front of Dodongo's cavern~

Link: Okay we set this little feller here, and then set the bomb down....

~bomb explodes, along with owl and rock covering cavern~

Link: I hope I didn't scratch it.

Navi: You're an idiot.

Link: You gave me the idea!

Navi: Oh.

Link: Well, I got my green shiny stone now.now I guess I go in the little cave thingy bobber.

Navi: Duh!

~Enter Dodongo's cavern~

To make a long story short, they defeat that place and are back outside with Darunia.

Darunia: We're sacred brothers now.

Link: WHAT IN THE HECK? I ain't your brother! Just give me the shiny stone!

Darunia: Not until you admit we are sacred brothers!

Link: (sighs) all right. We can be sacred brothers. Whatever that means.

Darunia: That means we are brothers spiritually, now if you marry my sister.

Link: I didn't know you had a sister, but I think I'll decline. She's probably ugly anyway.

Darunia: You can be my brother from all possible ways!

Link: I knew a man that killed his brother.

Darunia: all right I'll shut up. Here's the shiny stone.

Link: You rock.

Darunia: No I just look like one. Go do whatever you have to do. Oh um.there's a fairy you need to see on top of Death Mountain.

Link: Is it anything like this weirdo? (gestures to Navi)

Darunia: Oh trust me these fairies are like nothing you've ever seen before.

(Link nods and leaves with Navi)

Link: Well it's time to journey up Death Mountain..hey what the *@&$?? (rocks begin falling on the two adventurers)

Navi: RUN!

(the two make a run for the end of the passage)

Link: Stupid Goron, he's trying to kill me.

(go up wall, enter fairy place)

Link: Um.no one's here.

Navi: (muttering) stupid.

Link: What?

Navi: There's a triforce, you have to play the song Zelda taught you.

Link: The one you were supposed to remember?

Navi: Yes! It goes LA LA LAAA!

Link: How am I supposed to play that? You have no pitch!

Navi: Take a whack at it. Maybe it'll work.

Link: (plays the ocarina)

~obscene laughing comes from the water~

Fairy: Well hello. How are you today, my dear?

Link: Boob.boob.boob.

Fairy: Yes they are, would you like to see them?

Navi: He's mine biyotch!

Fairy: Not anymore.

~the two make passionate love~

Navi: Why am I always left out?

Fairy: For that wonderful time I will grant you a magic sword spell. RECEIVE IT NOW!

~Link goes spinny spinny and gets the spell~

Fairy: I have a friend living behind a rock in a hole at Hyrule Castle. You should go show her a good time.

Link: Oh I will.don't worry.

~they leave and journey to the other fairy place doohickey thingymabobber~

Link: (plays the song again)

~more obscene laughter~

Fairy 2: WELL HOWDY Y'ALL!

Link: Oh crap.

~a fairy dressed in a plaid shirt and overalls pops out of the fountain~

Fairy 2: How boutcha give me a kiss?

Link: How about not.

Navi: Do you have a spell for us?

Fairy 2: Only for a kiss.

Link: Navi, kiss her.

Navi: WHAT?!?!

Link: You were complaining about how you didn't get any action now KISS HER!

Navi: (grumbles, kisses Fairy 2 quickly and then speeds back to hide behind Link) Fairy 2: Take this here fire spell. It's called Dim's Fire. Bout how Dim created fire when she accidentally used her magic to set herself on fire.

Link: Right.we're outta here.

~they run off~

And so ends scene three. Cut and that's a wrap!