Scene 6: Robbin' da grave

Link and Navi journey to Kakariko's graveyard.

Link: Well we're here.now we just go in this grave.

Navi: Wait just a gosh darn minute. I ain't goin' in no grave.

Link: You're right.

Navi: What?

Link: The "Ain't" and the "No" in that sentence cancel each other out, making you say "I am going in a grave."

Navi: Somebody's been in English class too long.

Link: And the funny thing is I was made in Japan (skeptical look) go figure.

Navi: What do we do in (gulp) there.

Link: We chase Dampe around and get the hookshot.

Navi: Whatever.

~Link and Navi enter the grave and find an extremely giddy man~

Link: Uhh hi there.

Dampe: Hey guess what I'm dead and really fast and I have an item you really want and one time I ate a seagull and when it came out the other end the beak was still there so it really hurt -

Link: You stupid ghost. I'm gonna race you to get it.

Dampe: Ok let's go!

~the two race, Link wins, blah blah.~

Dampe: You little shit! How'd you beat me? (swells up to gargantuan size) I'M GONNA EAT YOU!

Link: (falls to his knees) please Mr. Dampe sir, don't hurt me! Eat the fairy!

Navi: What'd I do?

Link: It's all Navi's fault!

Navi: He's right - you are a little shit.

Dampe: (turning to Navi) Yes he is and I find him extremely annoying and I wish I could grind his bones to sausage but I can't cause I'm a ghost and have no physical properties whatsoever and (during this time Link is stealing the hookshot) sometimes I wish I was alive again but not really I think I like being dead.

Link: I got it! Let's get out of here!

~Link and Navi escape~

Navi: Little shit. What's next?

Link: My horsey.

Navi: Right.

~They journey to Lon Lon Ranch. Outside Malon is waiting, fully matured.~

Link: Holy crap! She's got breasts!

~Malon saunters over, wearing a tight, revealing dress.~

Malon: (sultrily) hello sexy.

Link: Boob, boob, boob, boob. (reaches outward)

Malon: (pulling away) you left me for seven years. You need to make it up to me. I was so lonely and didn't have no one to play with.

Link: I'll play with you all you want now. I'll make up for the 7 years of not playing with you.

Navi: (rolls eyes) Don't you want the horse?

Link: My hormones are more important at the moment. Pleeaaseeee Malon?

Malon: (with a giggle) ok.

~two words - alfresco sex~

Malon: Well that was wonderful.Let me go kick Ingo out of the ranch and Epona will be all yours.

~Ingo runs out of the ranch sweating minutes later~

Link: How'd you get him to do that?

Malon: (smiling) I told him to go to Zora's Domain and wait naked where the waterfall was. I told him I'd be there for him shortly, faster if he got there quicker.

Link: I read the cheatbook! Zora's Domain is frozen!

Malon (naughtily) I know. He'll freeze it off before I have to actually go through with it.

~Epona jumps out of Lon Lon Ranch and neighs Link~

Link: Well, it's time to head back to Kokiri forest. I'll come back for you Malon.

Malon: You'd better, and if it's in another 7 years I'll be pissed.

Link: Trust me, it'll be sooner.

~Link, Navi, and Epona ride off into the sunset~