This is the continuation of Soon. The poem used is 'Holding on' - One of my own. I'd appreciate it not being used without my express permission. The poem was not written with this effort at fiction in mind, but seemed to fit the mood so aptly that I couldn't help adding it in. Any criticism, advice, comment or suggestion in regard to my poetry or writing would be appreciated. I'd really like the input. This section is also from Nuriko/ Ryuuen's point of view. If I've made any mistakes, please let me know. I might go over it later again and rewrite it, if I think I might be able to improve it in any way.
Disclaimer: - I do not own any of the characters I write about in this particular fiction. I do, however own the poem, and it is preserved under my own name in certain records.
Holding on.
I'm sitting on my bed.
My pills are by my side.
I'm thinking I am dead –
The truth no longer hides.
It's been almost three years since I found out I was sick. I'm sitting at home. It's the middle of the day, and I'm wrapped up in blankets because the chill in the air is too harsh for my system. Sai's out working. Someone has to support the two of us, and he got elected due to the sheer fact that he isn't sick…
Thank Suzaku, he isn't sick! That evening when the doctor called us to inform us of the results, I was barely able to move for fear. That I was dying was all right. I could deal with that. But Sai dying – I couldn't even begin to conceive of the thought. And then the phone was ringing.
I could hear him murmuring answers but my mind was too numb to process anything but the sound of his voice. It shook slightly, with fear and emotion. And then he looked at me, and I knew he was safe… because I could see guilt in his eyes. Guilt because he couldn't join me, guilt because he was relieved.
It tore at us for a while. He wanted to cosset me like a baby, to make up for everything and I wanted to do everything I hadn't done before. But then, he wanted me to be happy and safe and I wanted to sleep and never wake up to this endless nightmare. The medication made me have uncontrollable mood swings – making me scream and cry with almost startling suddenness. I was loosing weight, becoming a pale shadow of my former self, still smiling and laughing but fading away into nothing. It tore at him and me that all he could do in the mean time was watch… watch me fade.
And then my hair started to fall out. I think that was when it hit me the hardest. The day I woke up to find the pillow dusted with so many fine purple strands. And then, more on the comb that I ran gently through my hair. 'An unfortunate side effect' the doctor would have called it, but to me it was like the end of my world. Suddenly in that moment, everything became concrete. My hair was so much a part of me that I couldn't imagine myself without it. How many nights had Sai held me while nuzzling my hair? How many sweet secrets had been whispered into its lavender fall? How many lives had I spent brushing it in front of a mirror, marveling at how it changed me into beauty? I couldn't bear it!
Before I knew it, I was in the bathroom, tearing through the medicine cabinet for something… anything. I didn't want to have to go through the degradation of having each part of me stripped away, slowly, until I would look into the mirror and not see myself anymore. And I didn't want anyone, anyone to have to remember me like that!
This life is but a dread
That I no longer take.
There's nothing to be said.
I shudder till I break.
I was sitting on the bed after ingesting almost the entire contents of my medicine cabinet. I was waiting for something to happen, anything to happen. But all I noticed was a feeling of great drowsiness and then, a yearning to hear Sai's voice again. I barely remember picking up the phone or dialing his number. All I remember is telling him that I loved him, would always be with him. I remember putting the phone down on his frantic screaming and curling up on the bed with his pillow pulled against me.
The phone rang but I ignored it. I thought dimly of calling Miaka or the others. Earlier I had decided against telling them anything but I really wished that I could have hugged all of them one last time. The world was going dark now and I was sinking gratefully into its warm depths. Finally, I could rest. And there would be no more needles or hurt. I wouldn't have to see the sad look in the doctor's eyes each time my cough got worse, or I lost more weight. I wouldn't have to see the vague horror in the eyes of the nurse that she tried to cover while shrinking from my touch. And I wouldn't have to see the pain and guilt in Sai's eyes when he looked at me, wanted to kiss me, tried to hold me…
For me there is no hope
In life's unceasing hours.
I'm leaving you to cope –
Cement and scattered flowers.
I was crying again then, tears leaking out of the sides of my eyes to run down my face. I wanted Sai with me in the end. I didn't want to have to die alone all over again. I wanted to be held and comforted and whispered to…
And then, almost like a miracle he was there. Sobbing and frantic, but oh so very tangible. There were other people too. I couldn't really see them – there were more a blur of white against the wall paper. He was holding on to me and yelling at me to hold on, to open my eyes and look at him. To try, dammit! To not die this way, like a coward… I was worth more than that…
I did try then. I pushed my eyes open and stared into those molten gold depths as he tried to hold on to our tenuous connection. Someone was yanking at my arm and taking my pulse but all I could see was the horror in the depths of those eyes, the understanding that came from the sight of the empty prescription bottles scattered all over the room, their lids open. I wanted to cry that I wasn't a coward, that I only wanted what was best for the two of us but I couldn't get my voice to cooperate. I could only moan and hope he understood.
You say that you can save me.
I say you've tried enough.
You say that more can come to be…
But the effort's just too tough.
I could hear the murmur of voices as Sai lifted me and carried me out to the street. My eyes felt so leaden, the lids so heavy. But every time I tried to surrender to the weight, Sai would beg me to keep trying, to live for him. If only for him. And I tried because I would give him anything he ever asked for. Because I loved him. I'd give him anything… except my kiss, my body, my pain, my nightmare.
The doctor had said we could try intercourse if we were really careful, but I couldn't risk it. I didn't want to chance it at all. Sai tried once or twice but I resisted so vehemently that he turned away. I cried those nights, because deep in his eyes I had seen the pain… and the fear… and the relief. He wanted to be there for me, loved me enough to risk everything – the slow death that would possibly ensue, the insomnia because the thought of never waking up terrifies you…. But I would never risk him.
I remember getting to the hospital, having my stomach pumped. I remember the look in his eyes while he held my hand and waited for me to try to speak. I can see it now, hidden in their golden depths. The fear and the terror… He will never be totally sure of me now. He understands… and yet he cannot. He knows I will die before any breakthrough will ever emerge. But he can't imagine what that knowledge feels like within me.
He's trying hard now to let me live as peacefully as possible. He says he doesn't want to tie me down to anything in the time I have left. I know he wants to try but he won't. He's afraid that I'll try it again and that I won't make it through this time. But he knows that he can't watch me all the time. I tried to tell him my views, my reasons but he couldn't bear to listen. He just held me and cried…
… and so for him…
… for him, I'm holding on…
You want me to be free,
And someday I'll be gone.
But now you're holding me,
And I'm barely holding on.
Author's note: - That's it. I'm done with this particular topic. I've cried buckets over it. I know that possibly some of the stuff I've written may not be exactly right, but I think I've done the basics all right. I haven't openly mentioned what Nuriko is dying of, because it wouldn't just be AIDS but it would be some other viral form that the body would be unable to fight against. I've tried to see it from each character's point of view but I found it easier to put myself in Ryuuen's place (don't know why).
Anyway, any input is much appreciated. I might skip back and forth in terms of tenses. I have problems minding them. If I've made that sort of a mistake, do let me know. I'm trying really hard to improve on them.
As always I remain,
Diabolique.
