Curtain call
The Phoenix Monologues: Book Three
By Jaici Phoenix anmd TL.
Jaici's auhtors notes: We weren't going to upload another fic yet, not with Heart of Fire with only two chapters but…this is what happens when you give your muses free reign
TL's Auhtors Notes: I've read so many great fics these past few days…I figured it was time we uploaded anther ^^ Hope you like this idea…I know we do…
Fic notes: This fic is kinda weird to start with It's in one POV for this chapter, and will then switch^^ The pairing is a secret though if you've read our singular fics you should have an idea^^
Pairing: wait and see…
Warning: The usual.
Disclaimer: Talking with our lawyer ^^ Just kidding. Not ours…
****************************************************************************
Maybe if things had turned out differently…
I always knew you deserved everything you got. You were special. More special than I could ever have told you. But still…there was always something in the way. Always something stopping me from telling you. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry.
But we do horrible things sometimes. I'm only human. I make mistakes…have *made* mistakes. I try over and over again to correct them, but I just seem to create a bigger mess. You should have known I'd abandon you. Abandon you just like before…
There was nothing keeping me tied to you…not after everything that's happened. Do you understand yet? Can you forgive me? I doubt it. I can't forgive myself. What happened between us...was fate. I don't believe in fate...at least I never used to. But now…now I'm all confused.
But I still love you. I doubt I'll ever stop. I know that's hard to hear but it's the truth. But we wouldn't have worked. No matter what anybody said…what *we* did it wouldn't have worked. We're too far apart…both emotionally and physically.
I couldn't have relied on you...not for any length of time...and you'd have started hating me eventually. Hating me for ignoring you. I'm not the relationship type. I don't know *how* to be. All my life…my screwed up life...I've been told…'emotions are weak'…but you…
You were different., You were everything I wanted to be and yet…you weren't. There was something about you I couldn't ignore. I wanted you. To own you. To have claim over you. That's not healthy, Not when I love you.
I would have ruined everything. You deserve better. You always have. I was blind to most of what you are. Blind to your passion…blind to you loyalty, devotion and friendship.
I've received them many times…but I never understood what they defined…*you*. You were the living embodiment of everything you gave, and I ignored it. Ignored it all in favour of my selfish heart.
You could have hated me. But you didn't. You did worse….you fell in love. I'll never understand why you love me. But I know why I love you.
Now do you understand? Now do you understand why we can't be? My heart…its still cold…even after all this time, after everything we've been through…*you* ,made it cold…unintentionally…jealousy drove me crazy.
Do you know how many times I had to hold myself back? From hurting anyone that even *looked* at you. I was frightened of what was happening to me. But you….you held a small amount of comfort for me…you always did…I only had to see you to *feel*…
But here is where it ends…its our final curtain call before I pull the plug…now, will you fight to save what we could have…or are you going to let go?
***************************************************************************
