Susan followed Abby along the river. She'd tried to persuade her to go straight home but Abby was determined to go for a walk, clear her head with or without Susan's company. Since she'd woken up 4 hours ago after fighting back some of the strength Carter's shock news had taken from her Abby had refused to talk about him or the fact he was now engaged.

Too Susan it seemed that the fact she was carrying his child had been forgotten by Abby some time during the drama and turmoil of last night. The truth however was the complete opposite. Abby could think of nothing else but the fact the father of her unborn child was engaged to marry someone else. He had pledged his life to another woman. Sometimes soon he was going to promise to love her till death us so do part and Abby felt helpless to do anything about it.

She knew she should tell him, after all he had a right a to know but somewhere deep inside she was still that insecure 7 year old that just wanted to be held. She wanted him to chose her not because she was carrying his child but because he wanted her.

"He has a right to know" Susan spoke first breaking the uncomfortable silence between the two as she sat down on the bench next to Abby.

Abby heard what she said and knew it was right but she didn't have the strength to discuss it right now, instead she let her mind wander back to another time she sat here a time that seemed like a lifetime ago now "You know this is where we were sat when he first told me he wanted to be more than just friends"

Susan didn't speak instead she remained silent giving Abby the space she needed to continue.

"A part of me wanted it then too, but I was with Luka at the time … if you can call it that. I know now that Luka and I were never really together we were just two people who were lost and trying to find the way, but trying to find it all the wrong places"

She could see the pain in Abby's face as she paused trying to collect herself, still she remained silent. Because she knew that if she spoke now Abby wouldn't say what it was she was trying to say.

"But you and Luka that's right you've found that something that everyone's looking for … that one moment when you know that this is right. You don't even know it's there at least not until you've found it but it is. I had that with John. When we were together in those few small moments that everything was going right I knew I'd found that one thing I'd been looking for all along"

Susan watched as Abby fought back the tears, trying to compose herself.

"I just didn't want to believe that it was really over but now I have to, if I'm going to be the mother this child deserves I have to let go. He's got his life … and it's time I tried to find mine without him"

"But has he?" Susan asked knowing now was her time to speak "He could have only know her for all of 3 months if that"

"But he's going to marry her" Abby argued not wanting to allow herself to hope, if she didn't hope any more that way it couldn't hurt more than it already did.

"Yes, but is it her he's in love with or the fact she has nothing to do with what he was running away from" Susan looked to Abby unsure of whether or not to continue, deciding she had nothing to lose she began to speak again "Only months ago it was you he wanted to marry, he wanted to marry you so much he hired out a restaurant and planned to ask you with a ring that meant so much to both him and his family … doesn't that tell you something?"

When Abby didn't speak Susan answered her own question.

"It tells me that he thought about it for a long time and wanted it more than anything, Megan's not wearing that ring, it's probably one he bought, one that doesn't mean anything to him. That tells me that he's still holding onto that ring hoping that one day he can give it to you"

"I wish I could believe that, but right now it really doesn't seem that he thinks a lot about me. He didn't even think I deserved to be told in private that he was marrying someone else" Abby sighed. She didn't see a point in fighting for him any more.

"He's happy and given time I'm sure I'll be happy for him"

"But you're carrying his child"

"It's my child" Abby said standing up from the bench "And right now that's all that matters"

Susan wanted to follow her plead with her but she knew that right now Abby needed to be alone. It could wait, wait until Abby had time to think things through properly. A hard time from her best thing was that last thing she needed right now. Hopefully in time things would work themselves out.

***

"… and that hostess didn't even seem to notice her guests where there" she added finishing off her rant about last nights festivities.

"It's Christmas surely there's more important things to do than moan about last night" Carter argued. His life with Megan was something he wanted to keep separate from work. But she'd pleaded with him for them to go to that party together. He knew it was a bad idea but she had this way of making him agree to whatever it was she wanted.

He hadn't expected Abby's reaction to his news to be welcoming but at the same time he hadn't expected it to make her physically sick. Luka's stomach bug explanation didn't feel right, he'd believed it at the time because he was looking for an easy way out of the situation. But now he had the distinct feeling there was something else … something they weren't telling him.

Then there was the image of Luka and Abby leaving together. His arm around her waist. He'd tried to move on, he wanted to love Megan and hoped that in time he could learn to love her but the minute he saw Luka and Abby so close together jealousy tore threw him. He wanted to shout that it should be his arms around her waist not Luka's.

He'd tried to tell himself it didn't matter that Abby was just another ex-girlfriend like Rena, Elaine etc. It didn't work though because try as he might to deny it, he knew she was more than that, she was the one. The one he wanted to be promising forever too.

"Earth to Carter" Megan sung waving a hand in front of his face.

"Sorry I was miles away" he explained.

"Dreaming about our luxurious honeymoon I hope" she asked. Megan was the polar opposite of Abby. He'd hoped that by throwing himself into a relationship with her it would show him how wrong he and Abby were for each other. All it did though was highlight the fact that he'd grown. Being with Abby had changed him. He no longer wanted all the things in a relationship he used too. All he wanted now was Abby and that was the one person he felt he could never have.

"Something like that" he finally answered.

"Talking of honeymoons, well honeymoon, wedding, same thing really" she began "The vicar has confirmed the date …April the 12th"

"So that's it then we're getting married" he hadn't expected it to be so soon be but once again she'd managed to talk him into doing things when and where she wanted. He'd hoped that he'd have time to move on from Abby. But the truth was now they were apart he loved her more than ever. So much that he wished he was having this conversation with her and not Megan.

"Yeah … this time next year I'll be Mrs Carter" she sighed laying back down onto the pillows.

Suddenly it hit Carter he had to explain to Abby, apologise. The least he could do was try and salvage their friendship. A friendship that meant more to him than anything else.

"Megan I know it's Christmas but there's something I have to do" he explained.

"What? … it' not like you have to work"

"I know but I have to sort something out. I won't be long" he didn't even give her a chance to argue, he was already hastily searching for something to wear.

Once dressed he said a quick goodbye and prayed his car would work after sitting idle for so long.

***

Arriving back at her apartment Abby immediately changed it something more comfortable, throwing on some pyjama bottoms and Carter's Northwestern sweatshirt that he'd left behind she grabbed the throw from the her bed and wrapped it round her.

Susan had promised to explain to Weaver why she wouldn't be in today. She'd wanted to go in but Coburn had made her promise to take a week off. She hated having nothing to do because when she was busy she didn't have time to think about the state of her personal life.

Flipping through the channels she finally settled on watching 'It's a wonderful life' not that she was actually taking an interest in what was going on. Her mind was too busy trying to sort through the confusion that had become her life.

She needed to regain control, even though she was doing everything she could to prepare herself for mother hood, quitting smoking, AA meetings, speaking to her sponsor on a regular basis last night was proof that she still needed a stronger control over her life if she was going to get through this pregnancy … alone.

She knew Susan would be there for her and for that she was grateful but it wasn't the same. She wanted to be arguing about names with Carter. She wanted to hear him complain about her mood swings or late night cravings. But it wasn't to be.

It was just her luck though that he wanted it with Megan. At least she thought he did.

***

Carter wasn't sure how long he had been stood outside her door. 5 minutes … 10 minutes, an hour. He just couldn't work up the courage to knock. He could hear the muffled sound of the TV on the other side of the door reassuring him she was in.

Taking a deep breath he started to knock. It shouldn't be this hard. A part of him hated himself for the extra strain he'd put on their already ailing friendship. He wanted her back, he wanted to be able to feel comfortable in her presence and at ease like only she could make him feel.

The sound of the chain being pulled back as Abby opened the door startled him out of his quiet reveries. When she pulled back the door he was startled at how pale she looked in contrast to the dark throw wrapped around her.

"Hey" he almost whispered.

"What do you want" she practically spat at him.

"I need to talk to you" he explained.

"I've got nothing to say to you" and with that she went to slam the door but was stopped by Carter's foot.

"Please Abby … I don't want to think that after everything we can't even be friends. I need to explain and apologise for telling you like that, in front of everyone"

"5 minutes" she agreed making her way back to the couch leaving him to let himself in and close the door.

The uncomfortable silence was more than Abby could take, she wanted more than anything to make it disappear. A part of her wanted to tell him everything. That she was having his baby. She wanted to tell him that she was in love with him and wanted them to be a family but her pride was blocking the way.

Carter on the other hand was trying to find the right words to explain, he hadn't thought past actually getting in the door. And what little he had prepared to say suddenly didn't seem enough when he realised just how much he'd hurt her. Her startlingly pale complexion was a stark contrast to the darkness and hurt expression in her eyes. A hurt that he'd caused.

He finally settled on "Are you ok? You don't look too well"

Abby saw red "Like you'd care" she accused.

"Of course I care" he tried to reassure her "I didn't mean for things to turn out like this"

"Yeah well they have" was all she could say.

Carter was about to reply when something on the coffee table caught his attention. It was a black and white picture … a sonogram picture.

"What's this?" he asked studying it. His first guess that it belonged to someone else was proved wrong when he spotted the name Lockhart in the top left hand corner.

"You tell me you're the doctor" she didn't want to be cold with him but it was the only way she felt she could protect herself from more heartache.

"You're pregnant" it was more of a statement than a question. A statement that sent Carter's world into a tailspin of both fear and hope. Fear that he'd lost her for good to someone else and hope that there was still something between them. A gift of the love they'd shared.