The Blair Witch vs. Ash
Ash pulls up into a
small town in Maryland. He steps out of the car and walks over to a
redneck looking man.
Ash: Excuse me. Do you know where the
Blair Witch is?
Red: Now, why would you go lookin' for that durn
witch?
Ash: To blast it with my twelve gauge. Why?
Red: It
supposedly killed three kids a couple of years back.
Ash: Really?
Well, I've fought I don't know how many monsters over the last few
weeks. So I don't give a crap.
Red: Well. She's in them wood over
thar.
Ash: Thanks, padre.
Ash walks off into the woods
looking for the witch. While deep in the woods, Ash stops and looks
around. He looks up and sees a stick man hanging from a tree.
Ash:
What the-!? Stick men! I'm getting close.
Ash slices his
way through the forest.
Ash: God! I hope the force isn't in
these woods, too. I hate deadites. Stupid! Never play a tape
recording while in a remote cabin in the woods. Rule number one.
A force comes up behind Ash and picks him up and takes him out of
sight.
Hours later, Ash wakes up in a cabin.
Ash:
Oh. My head.
Ash looks around.
Ash: Where am I?
A girl is facing the corner while a guy in dead on the ground.
Ash:
Whoa! Hey. Pss! Girl!
The girl is crying.
Ash:
Where are we?
Girl: About to face our death.
Ash: Screw that!
I'm killin' that pre-historic bitch!
Ash gets up and waits
for the witch. The witch walks in wearing a white sheet, covering her
face. She creeps over to the girl that is facing the wall.
Ash:
YO! She-Bitch!
The witch turns around.
Ash: Let's
go!
The witch takes off her mask revealing her
face.
Witch: I'll swallow your soul!!!
Ash: Well, that's
original! Bring it on!!!
The witch flies over to kill Ash.
Ash revs up his chainsaw. Ash brings the blade down to cut the witch,
but she catches his hand and throws him. Ash hits the wall and gets
back up.
Ash: SO! That's how your wanna play! OKAY! Kiss my
boomstick!
Ash brings out his shotgun and shoots the witch
in the head. Her face explodes and blood goes everywhere.
Ash:
I bet now you're a believer in gun control.
Ash walks over
to the girl.
Ash: Are you alright?
Girl: Yeah. What's your
name?
Ash: Name's Ash. What's yours?
Linda: Linda.
Ash: I'll
catch you later.
Ash walks out of the forest, gets into
his car, and takes off to fight his next opponent.
