The Blair Witch vs. Ash

Ash pulls up into a small town in Maryland. He steps out of the car and walks over to a redneck looking man.
Ash: Excuse me. Do you know where the Blair Witch is?
Red: Now, why would you go lookin' for that durn witch?
Ash: To blast it with my twelve gauge. Why?
Red: It supposedly killed three kids a couple of years back.
Ash: Really? Well, I've fought I don't know how many monsters over the last few weeks. So I don't give a crap.
Red: Well. She's in them wood over thar.
Ash: Thanks, padre.

Ash walks off into the woods looking for the witch. While deep in the woods, Ash stops and looks around. He looks up and sees a stick man hanging from a tree.
Ash: What the-!? Stick men! I'm getting close.

Ash slices his way through the forest.
Ash: God! I hope the force isn't in these woods, too. I hate deadites. Stupid! Never play a tape recording while in a remote cabin in the woods. Rule number one.

A force comes up behind Ash and picks him up and takes him out of sight.

Hours later, Ash wakes up in a cabin.
Ash: Oh. My head.

Ash looks around.
Ash: Where am I?

A girl is facing the corner while a guy in dead on the ground.
Ash: Whoa! Hey. Pss! Girl!

The girl is crying.
Ash: Where are we?
Girl: About to face our death.
Ash: Screw that! I'm killin' that pre-historic bitch!

Ash gets up and waits for the witch. The witch walks in wearing a white sheet, covering her face. She creeps over to the girl that is facing the wall.
Ash: YO! She-Bitch!

The witch turns around.
Ash: Let's go!

The witch takes off her mask revealing her face.
Witch: I'll swallow your soul!!!
Ash: Well, that's original! Bring it on!!!

The witch flies over to kill Ash. Ash revs up his chainsaw. Ash brings the blade down to cut the witch, but she catches his hand and throws him. Ash hits the wall and gets back up.
Ash: SO! That's how your wanna play! OKAY! Kiss my boomstick!

Ash brings out his shotgun and shoots the witch in the head. Her face explodes and blood goes everywhere.
Ash: I bet now you're a believer in gun control.

Ash walks over to the girl.
Ash: Are you alright?
Girl: Yeah. What's your name?
Ash: Name's Ash. What's yours?
Linda: Linda.
Ash: I'll catch you later.

Ash walks out of the forest, gets into his car, and takes off to fight his next opponent.