Author: Goruda Shiro

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Rating: PG for now.

Pairing: One sided Andrew/Xander. Maybe if I continue....

Notes: This takes place after the Hell Mouth imploded. Andrew's first person POV.

Background Summary: Before leaving the remaining crater, they decide to go to L.A. and make some money before moving on. Xander overhears Andrew telling one of the slayers that he hated being alone, but that he was gonna stay, even though no one else wanted to. Andrew, having gotten a job at a comic book shop, was very happy with it and got himself a place to stay. Having his own job with a construction company, Xander decided to stay, under the guise of wanting to keep the job and steering clear of any hell mouthy activity. In reality, he felt a certain obligation to Andrew, both suffering Anya's death. Andrew rented a small apartment in the city near his, and Xander's, job, and Xander moved in after the rest of the scoobies left, slayers in tow.

Broken Hearts and Crystal Tears

I'm looking at him again. I find myself doing so more and more lately. He's trying not to cry again. Trying to be strong and do the mandatory social thing before he went to bed. It wasn't like we had anyone visiting. It just felt wrong to go to bed before 9:00PM.

I look away, then, down at the food I made. Suddenly, I'm not so hungry, fork picking at and moving around the noodles on my plate. I know it's good. It always is. But he's sad again. I hate it when he's sad. Suddenly, he quietly excuses himself, and, probably quicker than he'd have liked, went into the bathroom. I look up and follow him with my eyes, and it's so quiet, I can hear his low sobbing, from even where I sit. I sigh now. I wish I could make him feel better. But I know how he feels. I feel the same. I'm just better at hiding it, I guess. I tend to cry myself to sleep. Mostly when we don't share a bed. I don't like people seeing me cry, and especially him.

He comes back out and I quickly look back at my plate, taking a few bites before pushing the plate away and sipping at my beer. I don't really enjoy it, but it's one of the few things we can ever do in companionable silence.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He's at the door now. He doesn't even knock anymore. He just stops to see if I'm awake. I usually am. And when I hear him, I dry my tears and look over at him, silently welcoming him in. I scoot over and he lays on the large bed beside me. It's hot out, so we're not using covers, and we're dressed in boxers, myself with a shirt. I'm on my back, and he curls on his side, facing away from me, his back pressed against me. I think it offers him some comfort. I'm glad I can help.

Sometimes, when we wake up, we're spooning, or holding each other. Usually, when it's the last one, there are tear streaks. If I wake up first I stay in place, until he awakens. Even if I know I'm going to be late I stay. That way he can have some dignity in knowing that I never saw the tears. After all, he's a man. Men don't cry. And I know he never looks at me. I think it kinda hurts, actually. I'm looking forward to his visits more and more often. They're rare at any rate. And the boss and I have become friends. She knows what happened. Well, if only that we experienced a great loss. She gives me allowances.

It's been almost six months. Six months since she died. I was pressed against the wall by some bringers. She pulled them away and saved me. Then she got sliced. If it weren't for her, or for Xander, for that matter, and Mr. Giles too, I think I'd be dead now. I don't think he blames me. I don't think he ever did. I remember before we left the crater, we were on the bus, and I broke down. He held me, and started crying as well. It was a first. But it was also the last. Last time we cried in front of each other. Last time we even actually held each other.

He kissed me this morning, though. We were huddled together, first time in over a month, and I woke first, as I always do. His job doesn't start till day's out. I usually help open. And the customers like me alot, so they wait... and I'm babbling again. Anyway, I was laying there, and I could tell he was waking up, so I closed my eyes. I mean, I didn't want him to know I looked at him. I like to look. But yeah. he was waking up, and he rubbed his hand on my face and chest. There was a pause, and I had to try hard not to look at him, ask him why he was holding me like that. Before I could do anything, though, he placed a kiss square on my lips.

I took a sharp breath when he did that, and my eyes started fluttering open. He quickly untangled us, and before I could even open my eyes, decide to, he's gone. He doesn't even shower. Just changes and is gone. I was haunted at work by it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It's a slow day. It's almost lunch time and I've only had two customers in here all day. They didn't buy anything. I'm almost asleep now. Someone just walked in. A regular. Just here for the latest issue of Uncanny and New X-men, undoubtedly. He's been following the story faithfully since they made Beast claim he was gay. I guess I always knew. I bet they'll hook him up with Bobby. I mean, they chased each other through the mansion naked, snapping each other with towels. The thought kinda makes me blush. But he says they're trying to take it back now, and he's obviously displeased.

Now, I'm having an in depth conversation with him, since I haven't really been paying much attention to it lately, trying to catch up, when someone else walks in. Just my luck that we'd pick up when I was about to get ready to go to lunch.

Ringing up his order, I give out a small sigh. Afterwards, I smile brightly at him and wish him a nice day, then turn around. My eyes kinda widen as I do. Xander's there, at the other side of the counter, and he's smiling. Only a little, but he's smiling. I walk over to him, and I can't help smiling back, shyly. "Hi, Xander." The shyness in my voice causes me to blush. We rarely ever talk anymore, and so this is sorta odd for him, not that I'll complain.

"I knew it was about lunch time for ya. I took an early one." His smile was kind of shy now. I guess it's been just as long for him, too. I mean, it's like we live there, together, and eat there, together, and sometimes we even watch cable, together, but we hardly know each other, or even how to act towards each other. "I was gonna lunch at the deli down the road. Wanna join me?"

His offer is genuine, and, after a minute, I smile. "Sure. I just hafta check with Hellen... my boss. I've still got five minutes. But I'm sure she'll let me. It's not a big... deal." I shut up, suddenly. I'm rambling again. Turning around, I exit the counter area, smiling back at him as I almost skip to the back room. Soon, Hellen and I return, and she smiles at him, greeting and meeting him.

Hellen is the 28 year old manager of the store. Kinda young, yeah, but she's good. The big bosses like her a lot. I think she also knows more about Sunnydale Crater than she lets on. But that's ok. She doesn't push. I liked that.

After counting my till and signing out, I put the money in the safe and head out, hugging Hellen on the way. She's real nice.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

We walk down the sidewalk in silence. The place we are going is this cute little deli inbetween his current work site and the comic store. That way we can leave a little later than we'd have to, I guess. I don't know. But I'm kinda uncomfortable. I mean, I don't know why he suddenly decided to have lunch with me. Maybe he wants to talk about this morning. But I was asleep. Or he thought I was. I don't know. I'm confusing myself. I occupy myself with thinking over what the customer had told me. I've missed more than a year in my comic reading. Between the Hell Mouth and the being on the run and the murder... shaking my head. Now was definitely not the time to think about that.

I guess I'm pretty nervous now, because I'm shaking slightly as I walk, despite how hot it is, and when he calls my name, I jump. I realise we're there, and he finds us a little table outside. It's sorta nice. Well, a breeze flew by, and another short one. They cooled us down. And we had shade. The lazy sway of the red and white striped awning above us was reflected in it's shadow at our feet.

A lady waitress takes our order, just some thick, cold ham sandwiches. A lot of lettuce and tomato to go with it. We didn't get any drinks though. They give you water when they take your order, and we just drank that. Truth be told, I'm nervous. Having had time to think about it, I have absolutely no idea why he'd ask me to lunch. "So.. um.." Yeah. Real suave.

"Yeah..." He seems pretty nervous himself.

"Was there, um, something you wanted to, eh, talk about?" I kinda figured there'd have to be a reason for him to take me to lunch, even though I was sure I was paying for mine.

"I, uh, just thought it'd be a nice change. We never get out. Ya know?" Nervous laugh. He is nervous. Oh great. And we? He said we. What does he mean we?

"Yeah. We don't, I guess." I'm to nervous I'm not enjoying this. Well, I guess I am. I'm staring at him now. He looks nice. He's not trying not to cry. That's good. Actually, he looks good in the day light. The thought makes me smile shyly and I duck my head, surprised when the waitress returns with our food. We spare her a thank you and take a bite.

I risk looking up at him, and he's looking at me. He looks sorta sad, and when he realises I'm looking, he sorta slowly looks away. It's kinda like he's trying to be non-chalant, but I can see the blush. But I know better. He's just concerned. I've seen it before. I think he's worried that the stress will get to me or something and I'll do something drastic. He doesn't have to worry about that though. As long as I have him, as much of him as I have, I'm fine.

We share a smile, then, and some small talk. The time passes quickly, and he does pay for me. Then we stand, and for a moment, he looks at me endearingly, and I think we're about to hug. Then he wishes me a good day, and I do the same. Then we part ways, both smiling.

TBC?

A/N As to that mention of the Hank being gay thing, that's true. And I have a friend who's varily opposed to them taking it back... making a joke out of it. She made a petition, and I thought I'd give her a plug. http://petitionpetition.com/cgi/petition.cgi?id=4520 If this doesn't show up as a link, the copy and paste it to your browser window.