Dracula vs. Ash

Ash pulls up to an old castle in his yellow Delta 88. He gets out of the car and knocks on the door. Nobody answers the door.
Ash: Hello! Is anyone here!? Listen, I'm here to kill you! You see, I'm trying to live a normal life without all of you freaks!

Just then, the castle doors open.
Ash: Okay.

Ash walks in and looks around. Spider webs are all over the place.
Ash: WOO! This guy needs a housekeeper.

The door slams shut behind Ash.
Ash: Yeah. I can do that too. Now I know a hard trick. Have you ever stopped swing from hitting a way without touching it?
Voice: Good evening.

Ash turns around.
Ash: Hi there.
Dracula: How may I help you?
Ash: Uh... yeah. You could just...
Dracula: Yesss...
Ash: DIE!

Ash lunges forward with his chainsaw to stab Dracula in the chest, but Dracula turns into a bat and starts flying around.
Ash: Get down here!

Ash pulls out his twelve gauge.
Ash: You're goin' down!

Ash shoots at the bat, but he missing every time. Dracula comes down and starts attacking Ash's back.

Ash: OW! Stop!

Dracula continues.
Ash: Dammit!

Ash hits the bat with the butt of his gun and the bat falls down to the ground. Ash walks over to the bat and steps on his wings. Dracula changes back to normal form. By doing this, Ash is now standing on Dracula's arms.
Ash: It's time.

Ash revs his chainsaw up and is about to stab Dracula in the heart, but Dracula kicks Ash in the balls and runs off. Ash falls to the ground in pain.
Ash: You son of a- OWWW!
Dracula: HA! HA! HA!

Ash gets up holding his crotch and starts chasing after Dracula.
Ash: AH! Get back here, you coward!
Dracula: NEVER!

Ash chases Dracula into a corner of the cellar.
Ash (in pain): Nowhere else to go.

Dracula gazes at Ash.
Dracula: Look... into my eyes.
Ash: No.
Dracula: Yes.
Ash: No.
Dracula: Yes.
Ash: No.

This argument continues for hours, until dawn. The sunlight starts to peak through the boarded up windows of the cellar. The light hits Dracula and starts to burn his skin.
Dracula: OWWW! I must now finish you.
Ash: From dusk 'til dawn! Too bad for you!

Ash grabs Dracula by the neck and cuts the boards with his chainsaw, letting the rays hit Dracula. Dracula bursts into flames. Ash let's go of him just in time.
Ash: WHOA!
Dracula: I WILL RETURN!
Ash: HA! That's what they all say.

Dracula's body turns into dust and flies away into the sky.
Ash: Cool. Now, who's next?

Ash pulls out his list and scratches off Dracula's name. Ash closes his "To-Do List" book and goes on to take on his next opponent.