Dracula vs. Ash
Ash pulls up to an
old castle in his yellow Delta 88. He gets out of the car and knocks
on the door. Nobody answers the door.
Ash: Hello! Is anyone
here!? Listen, I'm here to kill you! You see, I'm trying to live a
normal life without all of you freaks!
Just then, the
castle doors open.
Ash: Okay.
Ash walks in and
looks around. Spider webs are all over the place.
Ash: WOO!
This guy needs a housekeeper.
The door slams shut behind
Ash.
Ash: Yeah. I can do that too. Now I know a hard trick.
Have you ever stopped swing from hitting a way without touching
it?
Voice: Good evening.
Ash turns around.
Ash:
Hi there.
Dracula: How may I help you?
Ash: Uh... yeah. You
could just...
Dracula: Yesss...
Ash: DIE!
Ash lunges
forward with his chainsaw to stab Dracula in the chest, but Dracula
turns into a bat and starts flying around.
Ash: Get down
here!
Ash pulls out his twelve gauge.
Ash: You're
goin' down!
Ash shoots at the bat, but he missing every
time. Dracula comes down and starts attacking Ash's back.
Ash:
OW! Stop!
Dracula continues.
Ash: Dammit!
Ash hits the bat with the butt of his gun and the bat falls down to
the ground. Ash walks over to the bat and steps on his wings. Dracula
changes back to normal form. By doing this, Ash is now standing on
Dracula's arms.
Ash: It's time.
Ash revs his
chainsaw up and is about to stab Dracula in the heart, but Dracula
kicks Ash in the balls and runs off. Ash falls to the ground in
pain.
Ash: You son of a- OWWW!
Dracula: HA! HA! HA!
Ash gets up holding his crotch and starts chasing after Dracula.
Ash:
AH! Get back here, you coward!
Dracula: NEVER!
Ash
chases Dracula into a corner of the cellar.
Ash (in pain):
Nowhere else to go.
Dracula gazes at Ash.
Dracula:
Look... into my eyes.
Ash: No.
Dracula: Yes.
Ash:
No.
Dracula: Yes.
Ash: No.
This argument continues
for hours, until dawn. The sunlight starts to peak through the
boarded up windows of the cellar. The light hits Dracula and starts
to burn his skin.
Dracula: OWWW! I must now finish you.
Ash:
From dusk 'til dawn! Too bad for you!
Ash grabs Dracula by
the neck and cuts the boards with his chainsaw, letting the rays hit
Dracula. Dracula bursts into flames. Ash let's go of him just in
time.
Ash: WHOA!
Dracula: I WILL RETURN!
Ash: HA! That's
what they all say.
Dracula's body turns into dust and
flies away into the sky.
Ash: Cool. Now, who's next?
Ash pulls out his list and scratches off Dracula's name. Ash closes
his "To-Do List" book and goes on to take on his next
opponent.
