TITLE: Remember When

Author: RaeAnne

DISCLAIMER: See chapter one, Remember When by Alan Jackson

AN: Hey :-) I'm sorry for this shorter chapter, it seems as Christmas nears the crazier my life. Also this is kind of a filler chapter, a chapter to move me to the next phase which should hopefully get into the actual pursuit of the man and more E/O. THANK YOU so much for the feedback, I do so love clicking on all those reviews, thank you! I am not totally sure how long Kathy and Elliot were married… so I guessed. Oh, I almost forgot the part about the Greek and Roman mythology is mostly true, from what research I did. I had no idea about most of it till I researched butterflies once… anyway, just a tidbit there :-) The medical condition is real, though I know little about it and have taken considerable creative license. Thanks Happy Holidays RaeAnne ---(-

Lilmamaday: What a wonderful review! Thank you, and can I say I honored to be listed as one of your favorite authors? I think I will… THANK YOU:-) I loved Profiler, and even more the chemistry between Bailey and Sam, writing this story just fulfilled a little dream I had to see them together :-)

Catnamedzane: I'm trying to catch him! Really I am…. He just keeps sneaking out of my grasp… :-) Soon though

Stablerchick: You leave the nicest reviews, thank you, truly thank you.

Ccabello: I can always count on your review, thank you :-)

Chapter 5:

Remember When

"Dr. Clark, you are telling me there is no possibility of her waking up?" Elliot said words seeming cold as they left his mouth.

"Sir, I am sorry, but your wife is so severely gone, there is no hope, she will remain on life support and in a coma till what remaining brain function stops and her body shuts down. I am so sorry," Dr. Clark replied as they sat in a stark hospital office.

A few formal papers was what Kathy Stabler's life had been reduced to in the eyes of the hospitals. Elliot felt sick, memories of all the happy times they had, the birth of each one of their children flooding his mind. He couldn't speak as emotion and ghosts haunted him.

"I will leave you so you can consider your options," the doctor said standing.

"Is she hurting?" he asked. No matter had come between them in the past few years of marriage he still cared for her, he stilled loved her even if he wasn't in love with her, if there was any chance that she could wake up and she wasn't in pain he owed it to her.

The doctor paused his face neutral, "Yes she is," he said and went out the door.

Elliot felt like some on had punched him the stomach. How could he make a decision like this? He stood leaving the office and headed to the ICU.

"Olivia, can you come to the hotel? Sam thinks she has a profile ready for us, I know Elliot is meeting with the doctor today, but I think you will want to hear what she has to say," the Captain called her at the Stabler home where she was with the kids.

"Sir, Elliot could possibly be making the choice of whether his wife lives or dies and I am here with his children, I don't know if I should leave him when he gets home," she said sighing.

"I know, but this is important, please Olivia," the captain pleaded.

"Fine, what time do you need me there?" she asked.

"2 pm," he said.

"I'll be there," she said and they hung up.

She hung the phone and turned to stir the soup on the stove. Lizzie came in.

"Olivia is mommy going to be okay?" she asked dragging a stuffed teddy bear with her.

"Honey, I don't know…" Olivia said fighting back the tears as she saw the pain and innocence of the little girl.

"I miss her… Dickie does too," she said quietly.

"I know, I am so sorry," Olivia said picking her up and sitting her on the counter opposite the stove.

"She was mad at daddy, did you know that?" she asked toying with the stuffing that was starting to come out of the ripped ear.

"Yeah I did, but I know she loves you very much! Oh she loves you so much do you know that?" Olivia asked biting her lip as he wrapped the girl in a hug of which Lizzie returned tearfully.

"Hey would like me to fix your bear Lizzie?" Olivia asked as she pulled away swatting at tears.

"Could you?" she brightened up.

"Yeah, I can, does your mom have a sewing basket around her somewhere?" she asked giving the soup one last stir before turning to low.

"Yeah it's in here!" she said taking Olivia's hand and pulling towards the living room.

Olivia glanced out the windows as she entered the living assuring herself that the squad cars were still out there. They were.

"Wonderful, we'll have him right as rain in no time!" Olivia grinned sitting the girl next to her as they sat on the floor bear and basket between ready to work.

"'Livia, what does "right as rain" mean?" Lizzie asked.

Olivia laughed searching her mind, "You know dear, I'm not entirely sure…" Lizzie beamed at her and Olivia laughed.

"Okay Sam, want to take over from here?" Bailey addressed the group at ten after two.

"Sure," she said rising. She nodded at George Fraley who pulled up a picture of drawer of butterflies.

"Here is where it really starts, the butterflies, he refers to Olivia as his butterfly, there were 10 butterflies in the drawer, one in the box with the hand, one in the envelope, one on her bed and 5 on the bed the Stabler house. It took me forever to figure it out… the arrow, it didn't fit… till this" she pointed to George and he pulled up a picture of the writing on the wall.

"Detective Munch, you were very good, Amor is love, and Psyche was the butterfly winged girl in ancient Roman mythology. He was indeed saying that he was sending his love to his Psyche. We interviewed the officers at the scene and what was told to us and was confirmed by the EMT's that Kathy Stabler moaned the words "Eros and Psyche" when she was in the ambulance. Here is where it comes together."

"Eros is another name for Cupid, also known as Amor, in both Roman and Greek mythology. In Greek mythology Cupid was sent by his mother Venus to punish Psyche the beautiful girl with butterfly wings because people were beginning to worship her instead of Venus, but Cupid fell in love with Psyche and carried her off to his palace of gold and gems. Butterflies are more then his symbol for Olivia, it is believed that when a person dies his psyche which literally means soul in Greek became a butterfly. I believe that the butterflies he's delivering are representatives of the people he has killed. Most threatening are the five found in the Stabler home, if I am correct those were meant to represent, Kathy and the four children. Kathy messed up his plans by letting Maureen escape."

"This guy believes he is Cupid, the arrow left in the apartment was gold tipped which is supposed to make someone fall in love. The stories of Cupid portray both a happy and cruel nature. When he kidnapped Psyche he kept her locked up in the castle and never let her see him in the light, only in the darkness. This is why I believe he broke the lights in both the bedroom and the porch of the Stabler house. On the flip side, Cupid is believed to unite lovers and genial. I believe it is possible he suffers from either dissociate disorder which is where people forget who they are and become someone else and often believe they are in another world, the feel like they are observers in their own lives. It would account for the two types of dispositions he exhibits. The man in the letters is different then the one who writes on the wall. The one writing the notes is angry and wanting to punish, control like Cupid who kept Psyche in the dark, on the other hand the one who leaves the butterflies and the wall messages shows care, morbid love, but love, like the Cupid who is portrayed with bow and arrow. We are beginning to get inside his head, and when we do that we can stop him quicker." Sam finished.

The room was silent till Olivia spoke. "Why did he go after Kathy and the kids?" the question made her heart pound, or rather the possible answer.

"He views Elliot as a threat, any male that is close, Cupid became anger when Psyche lit a lamp and saw his face. He could believe that Elliot is the lamp that is lighting him up, his way of fixing that is to cripple Elliot. That is another reason we aren't totally sure of his mental state," Sam said.

"He's hurting Elliot because of me?" Olivia said feeling an enormous weight fall on her, remembering Lizzie asking if her mom was going to be all right.

"Not so much because of you… but because of something in his past…" George Haung explained who had helped create the profile.

"Which I am in! Why! Why me? What did I do years ago that has this guy killing! Did I cheat off his test? Did I steal his homework? What is?" she cried standing up.

"Calm down Olivia," Cragen said putting a hand on her. She jerked away.

"I will not calm down! Four innocent children's mother lies in a hospital dying because of me and you want mo to calm down, sir I can't do that!" she said emotion crippling her.

"It's not your fault," Sam said sternly. Olivia glared at the woman but was silent. Sam was the only person who could tell her that and she would believe. She was the only one who could say she understood, she was the only one who could convince her that it wasn't her fault, but even she wasn't able to.

"It is," Olivia said voice low as she turned from the table.

Alone in the city she walked, snow falling, happy people walking the streets Christmas cheer spread on their face. In every face she searched, wondered if it was the face of the man who sought her. She blinked back unwanted tears as she thought of the pain she had inflected on the one man she not only loved, but trusted with her life. She thought of the children who would grow up without out a mothers love, because of her.

Even as she felt sorry for her self she heard the little voice in her head, who sounded strangely like Elliot, telling her to suck it up, catch the bad guy and look at the good not the bad. But this was differently then just feeling guilty about a case, this was her; this was her life, her case, her anthem.

She found herself standing on a bridge, the center just watching the rippling water. She thought of that unwavering faith Elliot had spoke about, she desperately wanted to have, but found herself short.

She could believe they would survive when it was just her threatened, she could put on the front when it was just her tortured mind, but when it hurt the man she love….She stopped mid thought, loved? When had she discovered she loved him? The feeling instead of elating was devastating. She had nearly cost the man she loved his children and most certainly his wife. She felt more alone, more desolate then she ever had in her life. The one relationship she treasured, the one person who she could rely on through everything was being destroyed, or would be when he found out it was because of her his wife was dying, why his kids were nearly killed, and certainly now stalked. The thought for taking his world from him… she dropped her head, clutching her stomach as he became sick.

Three hours after taking to his kids, and Maureen's and Kathy's tearful heart wrenching goodbye's Elliot stood alone in the cold hospital room. Dickie and Lizzie had no idea what would be happening, he didn't tell them, he thought that telling them would be more trauma then their tender hearts needed, they knew she was sick and they told her they loved her and went out with Maureen.

Tears trickled down his cheeks as he stood by himself memories flooding him. The soft beeping of the machines was the only sounds, and it was deafening. His knuckles grew white as he gripped the bed railings gasping for air. This was it, he knew part of her died all ready a while ago, but this was really good bye.

"Do you remember…remember when we met? You were so beautiful, so full of life… I was enchanted…" he whispered knees weakening.

"I remember the first time we made love… I hurt you, I hated that… you cried and I didn't understand when you said it was because of happiness. I just held you till you fell asleep…"

verse one>

"I remember when we had Maureen… she was so small…" Elliot was on the verge of losing it as memories he hadn't thought about in years wrapped themselves around his mind and heart. "You gave me four beautiful children for that I will be eternally grateful,"

verse two, three>

He looked at her pale bruised form, seeing every machine made breath filling her body. IV's and tubes, his heart held onto the all the good the past held.

"We had some good times, you and I. There were sometimes thought I wondered if we'd make it to another day," he smiled running his hand over her tousled hair.

"I remember when we celebrated our twentieth anniversary… I remember you laughed and asked we had come to be old enough to be married twenty years…I told you that you were more beautiful now, then the day I married you. You cried," Elliot wept.

verse four>

He looked at her searching his heart, he still loved her in spite of all, and she was them other of his children. He wasn't sad so much for the future plans, those he had mourned the day she left; she was a different person then. It was for memories of the persons she was, of the man he was, the love they had, the past memories that killed him. They had grown apart over the last couple years for that he had regret, but he loved her, spent years together building a life, they weren't in love anymore, that realization had been made. He closed his eyes as he filled his lungs with air, they ached.

"You were a good mother and a wonderful wife, thank you. I'm sorry I didn't say it enough, I'm sorry I didn't hold you when you wanted. I'm sorry I didn't dance with you in the rain when you asked me to, I'm sorry for the times I wasn't there… when you needed me the most. If I had done those things… maybe it wouldn't have come to this…" he said tearfully. "I never regretted one moment of my life with you… I hope you didn't too many with me. Please forgive me and please if you can hear me… somewhere in the depths of your heart please don't remember the bad, but the love we had of all the good times, remember that I loved you…that that…" he wanted to scream as he heard the flat line buzzing in his ears.

verse five>

"Flat line!" a nurse called rushing in the room.

A doctor was right behind. He looked questioningly at Elliot, who shook his head.

"Please forgive me…" he breathed.