A/N: The majority of this chapter is a dream sequence, a flashback really to the end of Severus's 5th year, the summer after, and the beginning of 6th year, surrounding the incident Harry saw in Snape's penseive in OOTP and the prank at the Shrieking Shack. Hopefully, the timeline isn't screwy in respects to the books, but, c'est la vie.
//…// : dream
Severus settled himself in the master bedroom. The mattress was lumpy, the bed frame unstable, but the soft blues and creams of the décor set him at ease. Telltale marks of a happy life littered the room. Scarves draped carelessly across a wardrobe, a bookshelf filled with cooking magazines and bric-a-brac. A trophy of gold-plated plastic in the shape of some sort of fish. A stuffed bear in the rocking chair by the window. The room smelled of apples and cinnamon, and the blankets on the bed were made of goose down. Severus slipped off his shoes and under the covers, stared at the window and listened to Remus rove about in the next room. Since they were children, Severus had made it a point not to be so close to that man, and now, here they were, living together in a house meant for family. Thinking about the irony of it all, of the long-defeated dream he'd once had of leading a life very close to this, with this very man, Severus fell asleep, and begged for dreams that would remind him, again, why he could never be so happy.
// Severus managed to escape the Marauders a few minutes after Lily had left for the castle, but it was enough time for nearly a quarter of the school's students to witness his humiliation. Cheeks and eyes burning, he had calmly walked back to the entrance hall, before making a mad run towards the dungeons. A few younger Slytherins were milling about the common room, obscenely rested in comparison to the Fifth and Seventh Years, who were in the middle of a hellish series of exams. Severus tried to ignore these students as he made for his room, but he could not escape their quiet laughs. House solidarity did not extend to ignoring a member's marks of shame, it seemed.
Once in his room, which was blissfully empty, Severus was tempted to throw himself into bed, but instead he tugged furiously at his school robes, half choking himself with his tie in his haste to be free. He had just started to pull the robes over his head when a soft knock at his door stilled him.
"Fuck off!" he barked, but the boy came in just the same.
"Are you ok?" Remus asked, and Severus couldn't help but notice the look on his face. Pity. It was strange to him that he recognized that emotion at all. His father had no pity. Dumbledore had no pity. James Potter had no pity. And Severus Snape had no pity. Especially not for Gryffindors.
"How I am is of no concern to you, Lupin, as you so effectively demonstrated not ten minutes ago," Severus snarled. "I suggest you leave before I report you to Gelding."
"Don't be like this, please," Remus begged, his eyes shining in a way that Severus found particularly painful to see. Maybe he did have pity after all.
"My own fault, really," Severus said. "My weakness is a desire to be near you. Or was," he added, seeing the buds of a smile blooming on Remus's face.
"Well why didn't you fight back? You could have taken James, easy," Remus demanded, losing his temper at last. He had told Severus to stay away from James and Sirius, particularly when Lily Evans was around. He had told Severus.
"Maybe I wanted to see how long you'd let them hurt me," Severus whispered.
"Oh, Severus.."
"Save your breath, Remus," Severus snapped. "I've learned my lesson. I was wrong to think I could mean anything to you. Anything more than this," he finished, as he stripped off his robes, Lily's taunts still ringing in his ears. ' I'd wash my pants if I were you'. As if they didn't know that it wasn't an issue of hygiene. With all of the House Elves around the castle, how could it be?
"Get a good look at this, Lupin," he whispered coldly, gesturing to his graying underclothes. "I'm sure you soon will be on intimate terms with poverty."
"What…what do you mean?" Remus asked, his face drained of color.
Severus would have laughed if it weren't for that stubborn streak of love that was tearing through his heart, even as he was surely breaking it. Severus was an intelligent young man. And he knew every scar on Remus's body, every inch of him, every mark of pain, exhaustion, worry. Maybe if he had told Remus that he knew , the werewolf would have…no, Severus wouldn't play this game any more. He was done.
"Nothing," Severus sighed. "Tell your little friends that they won't get the best of me next time."
"And I won't either, will I?" Remus asked, and he was crying freely now.
"Do you think you deserve it?" Severus asked.
"I love you," Remus replied, unable to tell Severus the truth, that he did not deserve anything from him.
"And I can't allow this to be what love is."
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The next had been the worst summer of Severus Snape's life. When he began his fifth year at Hogwarts, he had expected this, but then, he'd never dreamed of falling in love with Remus Lupin. And loving Remus was so easy, so second nature, that Severus had allowed himself the delusion of thinking, I have always been and always will be this happy . His pragmatism had flown out the window in the face of passion, intimacy, and genuine friendship, and he had forced himself to forget that such beautiful things would never survive a summer at home. He had convinced himself that the promise of seeing Remus again would bring him through it all. What a fool he had been. Remus was as good as dead to him, there was no hope, and thus there was no escaping the very real fact that his father had a surplus of violence just waiting to be doled out. Mavortis Snape was a small, petty man bound in muscles fed by labor, insecurity, and hatred. Severus was forced to absorb these things every day for months, and every day for months, when he stepped in front of the wand, or the fist, he would try to picture Remus in his father's place. Remus, hitting him and cursing him and hating him just for existing. But it didn't work. His Remus would always smile, cry and smile and try to make him feel better. Severus knew that the next term would be impossible.
@@@
"What are you doing?" Severus hissed, pulling Remus farther along the corridor so his fellow Slytherins wouldn't see. It was the beginning of their 6th year and they had been on the Hogwarts Express for hours, Severus trying desperately not to think about how damnably close he was to Remus, trying not to imagine that he could smell the boy's shampoo, or sweat, or…and then Remus had to ruin everything and come to him.
"I just wanted," Remus stuttered, doing a poor job of hiding his discomfort at Severus's strong grip on his forearm, but Severus interrupted him.
"I thought I made it clear months ago that I don't care what you want," Severus answered.
"Please, Severus, we can't let it be like this," Remus murmured, his eyes unable to meet Severus's.
"This was all it ever was, wasn't it?" Severus demanded. He was angry, furious. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that Remus make him say these things, not when it was his fault it was over. It wasn't fair that Severus had to be the villain. "It was pain, and it was violence, and it was dirty. Sneaking around, ashamed to be seen. That was all it ever was. That and a quick fuck, and I can get that elsewhere without so high a cost." It wasn't true. He wanted to scream that it wasn't true, but he watched Remus's head snap up, saw the tears there, and slowly caught his breath as Remus walked away, never noticing the glaring eyes of a third party.
Two weeks into the new term and Severus's resolve was fading fast. He had tried ignoring Remus when their houses had class together. He had heeded the werewolf's earlier advice and stayed away from James Potter and Sirius Black. He had even avoided meals in the Great Hall when he could, not eating for days until his strength failed him, and even then he ate quickly and took what he could away with him to the dorms. But then, he was so tired of it all. The absence of Remus Lupin from Severus's life was worse than whatever pain being with him had brought. He told himself that he wasn't looking to be lovers again, just friends. No, just study partners. It was a weak lie, he knew, but still Severus decided to find the boy and talk to him.
It proved harder than he had imagined.
"What do you want, Snivellus?" Black demanded. Severus had been following his enemy all day, hoping that he would lead him to Remus, who hadn't been seen since breakfast. Severus wasn't surprised. He had noticed that Remus tended to shut himself away in the days immediately preceding the full moon. It was yet another habit that had alerted Severus to the nature of his lover. Ex-lover.
"I want you to go to hell, Black, but I'd settle for you getting out of my way," Severus sneered, knowing that he couldn't simply ask where Remus was hiding.
"You know, one of these days, you won't be protected by the rules of this school. Or by girls with an over-inflated sense of pity," Black retorted, a cruel smile spreading on his face. "And when that day comes, and you're all alone, all your Slytherin friends having left you behind when they realized what a pathetic, weak piece of shit you really are, on that day, I'll be there, Snivellus."
"I find it amusing, Black, that an outcast like you can paint such a vivid picture of what it is to be weak, and alone. Mummy teach you that? Is this the speech she gave you? Just before you ran away from home and hid with the Potters? Were they the only ones that would take you in? Oh yes, I remember now. They do like strays, don't they? Big on charity towards displaced magical beasts. Wounded, little animals. You're their new pet."
Severus had watched the color in Black's face grow redder and redder with every word, and the glint in his eyes cool to the color of steel, but that did not stop him from pouring every bit of hate in him into those taunts. He hated Sirius Black. He loathed Potter and his entire, perfect, loving family. They all preached about kindness to less fortunate people, about sympathy, pity, charity. About being humane. How could Remus stomach it? How could he not see that he was merely an exercise in nobility when it came to his "friends"? He was just a defenseless creature that needed saving, just like that whelp Pettigrew. How could Remus settle for this?
"You just shut up!" Black shouted, hand stumbling around in his robes for his wand.
"Oh, I'm scared. Big bad wolf is going to bite me," Severus taunted, knowing perfectly well what he was doing.
"You haven't seen the big bad wolf yet, Snivellus," Black growled, and Severus noticed that the feeble attempt to reach for his wand had been given up. "You want to have a go at me? There's a secret passageway, under the Whomping Willow. Press down on the knot in the wood, and it will open. It leads out beyond Hogwarts' wards, so no one will know we're there. You have the guts to show up, tonight, and we'll just see which of us has more bite."
It was a feeble lure. Severus knew that if Black had really wanted to fight him, something as trivial as school rules would not have stopped him. No, Severus knew what this was. Remus had to go somewhere safe for the change. Tonight was the full moon. And Sirius Black was angry. Admittedly, Severus had never really thought that Black had it in him. Either to be a murderer, or so bad a friend. And Severus didn't think he had it in him to follow Black's advice, until later that evening.
Severus had just entered the Great Hall, his hunger demanding that he eat a proper meal, when he heard it. The ominous sound that was the collective laugh of the Gryffindor Sixth Year class. He tried to ignore it, but the whispers as he passed were too much. They were laughing at him, all of them. Even Remus, this time. Remus, who had always let them hurt Severus any way they could but had never joined in. He was laughing now, as Potter reenacted last term's infamous altercation. He was laughing when Potter said, "And did you see those burn marks on his legs? Probably from when he tried to spell off the hair, the fucking queer."
It was a determined Severus Snape that followed Remus to the Whomping Willow last night. He knew what could happen. Remus could kill him. Severus would be dead, Black would be arrested, and Remus, Remus would be put down like the animal he was. Severus knew all this, and that only drove him on.
Damn Potter for stopping him.
Damn Remus for being contrite the next morning.
And damn Sirius Black for taking it all away from him.//
A/N: Thanks to…Alia
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