A/N: Just a reminder about a few things. This is SS/RL slash. J.K. Rowling owns these characters. And also, due to an unfortunate habit I have of starting fanfics without a clear ending in sight and subsequently taking for-e-ver to update towards the blessed end of the bloody things…well, this time I'm only posting when I have a good 2 chapters under my belt. So, obviously I can't cater to reviewers' wishes in regards to plot development, but if you point out any hideous flaws, I might take them into consideration and either justify my position or fix the problem. Only, 2 chapters late.
Severus awoke from the dream. Memory. Dream. He couldn't be sure, really. These past few months, or was it years?, had blended reality and…what was the opposite of lucidity? He couldn't even remember that anymore. He couldn't recognize that state of being. If he was one for romantic, idle notions, he'd think: my life is a rendition of someone else's grand design, drawn in the blackest of charcoal, and the artist (his father, Voldemort, Albus?) had stood back, but not too far, can't let him be for even a moment, had stood back and looked at what had been created and decided that the lines were too sharp, just like my face, and He had taken his thumb and smeared the boundaries, just there, and there. Like at that moment, as Severus arose from bed and crossed over to the window, and the waves, they were liquid of course, and foam at the peaks, but the hissing they made was steely. The ocean has the power to smooth jagged glass, while it harbors some of the most deadly predators on this planet. Severus had to get away from people who had such power over him, if only to avoid feeling forever like a monster.
Forcing himself to move away from the window, he focused on the sounds coming from the other room, from Remus. It was a messy situation, the one carried by that man and the past they had shared. It was easier to believe the vitriol he spouted about Lupin before Voldemort had returned. Severus would look at the man, think about how laughable it was, the notion of a tame beast, and he would say as much in answer to Lupin's quiet, forgiving, pained smiles and too familiar use of his name. But then the Dark Lord was reborn and Severus was called upon to trade his honor, dignity, morality, and even sanity for a Death Eater's mask and sibilant moans of "Severus, Severus", and Severus, who sometimes forgot that his name once meant something other than "whore", would believe in the taming of monsters.
When Severus found Remus in the kitchen, fixing more tea, he couldn't help laughing about the domesticity of it. The portrait of a family, werewolf serving Death Eater whore traitor schizoid tea. And scones. And bars of chocolate, the panacea of the wizarding world. Severus thought he needed Wormwood, but he'd left his potions at Hogwarts. Or, rather, they had been squirreled away, along with his wand and all sharp objects.
"Do you want to talk yet?" Remus asked him as they sat at the table.
"Shouldn't you eat something?"
Remus took some chocolate.
Every movement, every action, was stilted, spaced out, deliberate. Slow.
"Wolves are allergic to chocolate, I think."
"We are not completely alike, the wolf and I."
"I should hope not. I've seen wolves mate. It does not look…"
"Appealing?"
"Comfortable."
They were quiet. Severus was thinking, I should not have dreamed today. Remus was eating more chocolate, drinking tea, looking at Severus's shaking hands, looking away, looking again. More tea.
"So, are your eating habits similar?"
"I suppose they are, now, much to my regret. Could you believe, I used to be a vegetarian?"
"Didn't like the taste?"
"It wasn't that. My family used to own sheep. The one winter we had lambs, I was 5, and my parents put them in bed with me, to keep them warm. I got too attached. But after…I used to lose so much blood, before your potion. My father said meat would give me strength. And this isn't what I meant by talking."
Severus took some tea, but no chocolate. He couldn't stomach comfort and Remus all in one sitting. Too rich. Too…too palatable for a man accustomed to swallowing much fouler things.
"So, a wolf among the lambs?"
"Not for long. We moved into the city."
"Why? You'd be closer to humans, your real prey. The temptation must have driven you mad, not to mention the annoyance of covering it all up."
Severus saw Remus's eyes dance over his face at the words "mad" and "covering it all up". No subtlety, but he knew Lupin was capable of it. It was meant to be seen, that little connection. Like Remus was trying to make him feel ashamed, or weak, but that couldn't be right, because Remus, on his worst of days, was never cruel. Only painfully ignorant. Or needful of the wrong things. Severus wished those were his only weaknesses.
"But it was safer, for me. And that's all they cared about. If I had gotten loose in the moors, and a rancher had seen me, I'd be dead."
"If you'd gotten loose in the city and killed someone, you'd be worse than dead."
"Yes. Damned. And dead if I was caught and over the age of 15.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the law, Severus."
"What law?"
"Surely you…after what happened in school…surely you looked into it?"
"I researched the curse, the change, I memorized the dates of the full moon for a bloody decade, but nothing about legal restrictions."
"They execute werewolves, Severus. If we kill a human, are over the age of 15, and are found criminally liable, we mar be put to death. It was one of the reasons I felt so betrayed by Sirius when he pulled that stunt. Of course, when he died, my guilt usurped all that anger and betrayal."
Severus put on a blank face, begging to be educated, to hear the man, this voice, explain guilt. And accountability.
"The veil," Remus explained. "Have you never wondered why it would be in the Ministry? Why not simply destroy it, the wards are not so strong? It's the executioner's block for humanoid beasts and monstrous beings. Macnair and his crew don't get to torture were-creatures and vampires that have crossed the line. My kind are simply pushed behind the veil. I thank God I'm a man of faith, Severus. It lets me believe that when Sirius fell, his soul went to Heaven. I couldn't bear it if he were stuck in some temporal plane, with monsters like me his only company."
"I'm sorry."
"For what? It wasn't your fault."
"I shouldn't have followed you to the shack, that night, 6th year."
"You couldn't have known what you were looking for."
"I did. I knew."
The tea spilled. Severus didn't like that, the stain on the table cloth. It looked…
"Wha..how?"
"Do you honestly believe that if Granger could piece it together, I, with all of my knowledge of your body, could have missed the signs?"
"You knew? All along?"
"Yes."
"Then why? Severus, why on earth would you come after me?
"Your wolf, you mean?"
"If you like."
"I heard. You laughed that morning, at what James said. I heard. And I couldn't…see."
"I'm sorry, I can't…"
"He was talking about that unfortunate incident in our 5th year, and the burns he saw on my legs. He said…he said I'd done it, trying to wax my legs or some such nonsense. Stop spilling your tea it looks like blood. And you laughed, even though you knew what happened."
"Shit. Shit. Severus, I…"
"I never laughed at your scars, Remus. You'd have had me believe they were from a broom accident, and I still never laughed. But you knew. You knew where mine came from because I never lied to you, not about that. And you laughed."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"I know. You're crying."
"Sorry."
"If I had known you'd be put down for killing me, I wouldn't have gone looking for you. Do you believe me?"
"Yes. Yes, I know you wouldn't have."
"And I didn't become a Death Eater over heart break. Do you believe me?"
"Yes. You said your father…yes, I believe you.
"Thank you."
Remus spelled the table cloth clean.
"We never talked, like this. When we were young. You didn't know I lived in a city. I'd never realized…what did we talk about?"
"You were busy hiding what you are. So you talked about your parents, about wanting to visit China, about Henry James of all things."
"You talked about real things, though, didn't you? It's what I loved about you, how open you were about things I'd have hidden."
"And now I'm open with everyone."
"Severus, don't."
"I was referring to my confession in the Great Hall, Lupin. I'll spare you the histrionics about…the other flaying."
"I wish you wouldn't."
"I don't remember you as a sadist."
"You need to talk about it."
"No. I need to stop talking about it. This proclivity to ramble on about classified matters will get someone killed."
"So tell me. Talk to me about it, and maybe the urge to ramble will fade."
"Nothing to say, Lupin. You know how these things work, the mechanics of it. Fucking. We learned together, raw openings, you know how it works. But sometimes, engorgement charms were used, just to make things a little more crimson. He killed the Muggles when they were done, but he spares me, that's what I have to remember. I'm spared. I'm spared."
"He must know you're a spy, to hurt you so."
"I don't believe so, no."
"Then why?"
"He knows I'm a coward. That I won't betray Albus. I don't give him enough information, and he no longer needs a Potions master, only a few people with enough training to brew basic poisons, truth serums and such, I've become expendable, but I amuse him. I entertain. He says I'm the only man he's met that looks bored under Crucio. He says I…my face when I come, he says…"
"Shh. Severus, don't."
Severus looked out the window. Every window an ocean.
"We don't have to worry anymore, Remus. I don't want to ramble at the moment."
"Good."
"I want to kiss you."
"Good. But don't."
"I know."
Remus gave him some chocolate.
"Remus? I lied, before. I knew you'd be put down. Look, I can't hold a lie for more than five minutes. I think I'll make some soup, for supper. This chocolate…is laced with a calming potion. I wish you hadn't done that."
Severus saw the waves breaking. Were the waves like tides, controlled by the moon? Did all things controlled by the moon do this? Break and reform and break break break all over again, for nothing. For no one. Who did Lupin break for?
"Severus, I'm going to…I don't know. I'm going to rest, for a few minutes. Don't try to leave. There are wards."
"Yes. I won't try to leave. Do you believe me?"
A/N: Thanks to the following:
B. Kennedy
Ilmare2
Arafel2
Stellowpen
Caliowiel
Lavondyss21
Anna- qua? Umm…I have lots o' stuff with more than 2 chapters. Just so you know. Yeah.
