A/N:  I'm really sorry that I didn't get this chapter out sooner, like I planned, but I got a bad cold that knocked me out for a few days and I couldn't find it in me to finish chapter 7.  But as reward for all you lovely people (especially reviewers! Hint hint) I included…well…not "fluff" per se, but some definite moments of levity in the next chapter, to make up for all the angst.  Anyhoo, enjoy!  Review!

Last time…

"It's fine," Severus sighed.  "It's not real.  It's fine.  Remus, you'll be here?"

"Yes."

"Fine.  Good.  I'm going."

"I'll be here."

"Good."

@@@

But it wasn't good, and Remus knew it.  He knew it for the seven hours he stood at the window, waiting.  Waiting.  Until he didn't know what he was waiting for.  A broken man?  A body?  Or something glorious.  He could believe in the glorious, in the light, in the healing miracle.  He felt he was going mad, that when he'd cut himself with the bloody knife, and grabbed Severus with all the tender rage he could no longer contain, maybe, maybe his lycanthropy had flowed out of that wound and the madness of the other man had flowed in, a communion of weakness.  No, of weakening.  Severus was not weak, not because of this.  And Remus, he knew he was not weak, not very.  And if he was, it was not due to his being a beast.  If he was weak, it was his own fault.

Remus stood at the window until he could stand no more.  He was about to Firecall Dumbledore, a last resort these days, with the breach in security at Hogwarts encompassing all forms of magical communication, when he saw him, Severus, a dark point in the even darker night.  He was walking, and Remus nearly cried in joy for that.

"Severus!" he shouted instead, rushing from the lighthouse to help the man.

"A little louder, please, I don't think the mainland heard you," Severus answered.  His voice was hoarse, and Remus couldn't help but assume that was due to screaming.  But the smile on Severus's face…maybe it was laughing.  Hysterical laughing.  It was more frightening, more heartbreaking than the alternative.

"Let's get you inside," Remus said, trying to grab hold of Severus's elbow, but the Potions Master would have none of it.

"I wouldn't," he warned Remus.  "I really wouldn't."

"Why?"

"Dirty," Severus answered, curt.

"Severus, whatever they did - ,"

"Not me, Lupin," he snapped.  "The bloody shirt is dirty."

It was, covered in what looked like mud.  It was only then that Remus realized Severus had not left in his Death Eater garb.  He was still dressed in Muggle clothes.

"Then let's get you inside and cleaned," Remus responded.

"Oh yes, lets.  Such an easy thing to do," Severus sneered.

"I know.  The elusive drying charm," Remus smiled.

Once they were inside, in the light, Remus could see that Severus did not look much worse off than he had hours earlier.  In fact, he looked remarkably better, his wounds having been healed, he carefully observed.

"Not by me," Severus answered, peeling off his soiled shirt and sitting down on the sofa.  "It was a stupid thing to do, surrendering my wand."

"Fuck," Remus hissed.  He'd sent him out there, alone, defenseless, or as good as. He hadn't even thought, both of them hadn't.

"Mmm," Severus agreed.

"Severus, tell me what happened,"  Remus said, wary of the apathy his companion projected. 

"Lupin, have you ever tried to Apparate with no clear destination in mind?" Severus asked, folding his arms over his chest, just cognizant of just what he was revealing.

"Of course not," Remus answered, handing Severus freshly brewed tea.  "You'd splinch yourself."

"Yes.  Yes.  But here I am, whole.  More or less."

"Severus, what happened?"

"You just go, just disappear," Severus continued, as if he were alone, as if he had forgotten Remus even existed.  Or that he even existed.  "You feel the pain, if you're lucky enough to feel it anymore, through all the other hurts in your life, and you just think, 'nothing, nothing'.  'Just let me disappear,' you think, and you do.  You follow the thread, the chain.  The leash.  It'll lead you to your master, and you will have arrived at his feet like the dog you are.  Only not at all proud.  Black, he was a dog but he was proud, and I never forgave him that.  But I…I just disappear and think of nothing and try to feel nothing and I become supplicant at my master's feet.  You do this, every time you feel the pain you do this, close your eyes, pretend it's all for the best that you go.  And you go.  But I…I was sitting at the table and…ever since my hand, I haven't felt anything.  At all, except cold, and a little nauseous on the boat ride, and something…something when I looked at you sometimes.  But I was sitting at the table and something hurt.  Thinking now…maybe it was a muscle cramp, from standing so long in the sea.  But I felt pain and I looked down and there was the knife, and there was my Dark Mark, and I thought, I swear I thought I was being called, Remus.  But I wasn't.  I was so so scared but I Apparated and the mark was supposed to lead me to him, I didn't even have to think, just disappear, which is easier than you know.  And…how long have I been gone?  The sun was down by the time I materialized.  And I looked around, I looked around and Remus it was so…it was so…Remus – ," he broke off, choked by panic and so much hurt that he couldn't go on.

Arms wrapped around him, pulled him into something warm, something humming.  Remus was humming, no, whispering.  Into the hair just behind his ear.  Saying shhh, Severus, I'm here.  You're with me here.  Shhh

"I'm sorry I stayed away so long," Severus cried.  "I remembered, sometime, that you were waiting.  But Remus, I thought of Nothing and you wouldn't believe where I ended up."

"Where?"

"Home.  I was home."

"Snape Manor?" Remus asked, frowning.

"No," Severus answered.  He was laughing again, softly this time, but laughing, and that was never a good thing these days. 

"Severus?"

"Hogwarts."

"That's…you couldn't have."

"I know, but I did.  Ended up at the feet of another master."

"You apparated to Dumbledore's office?" Remus asked, unable to believe that the Headmaster would have neglected to contact him if that was the case.

"No, I was in the dungeons, in my lab.  I disappeared and thought of nothing and of pain and of nothing and I disappeared and whatever I am floated about the country for hours, bouncing off every surface it met on the way, and I ended up at Hogwarts.  I broke through wards a millennium old.  Now that I say this, we should probably Obliviate each other, to keep that knowledge safe.  But Remus, I…I don't like that I ended up there.  Not when I was thinking…"

"What happened, when you materialized?" Remus asked, not wanting to address the fact that 'nothing' had translated to 'home' for this man,  not knowing how to begin to talk about that.

"I heard screaming.  And I ran.  I ran until I got outside and then I ran into the forest.  It was the owls, screaming.  And the thestrals.  It's a laughable defense system, for when the unthinkable happens.  Hogwarts' security wards, breeched.  But maybe that was their instinct, to scream.  To hunt.  The owls flew at me from behind, the thestrals poured from the forest, but I was so focused on not being torn apart by carrier pigeons that I ran to the thestrals, head on," Severus finished, bitterly.

"Why didn't you go to the hospital wing, to be healed?" Remus asked. 

"I…I don't know.  I didn't want…I don't want Albus to know what I did."  Remus thought that he was referring to the break in the wards, but then he saw Severus look down at his arms, and he understood.

"Who closed the wounds?"

"Firenze.  He's not supposed to be in the forest, but he still sneaks in, from time to time.  Don't blame him.  Staying in the castle with little to do and only humans and Hagrid for company, I don't blame him one bit for wanting to escape.  It was little of me, but I used to tease him, before.  Called him Flo.  I wonder how he came to be named after Florence.  I should ask him, some day.  Do you know?" he asked Remus.

"He comes from an Italian line, Hagrid said.  He won't speak to me," Remus answered.

"Beyond the evasive astronomy?" Severus asked.

"No, at all.  He doesn't speak to werewolves."

"Don't worry," Severus smiled.  "It's not about being a monster.  He healed me.  And I don't think he'd tell anyone about it.  No, he won't.  It's a sin for centaurs to use the healing arts on humans."

"I know."

"Yes, I know.  Remus?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you.  For being here.  Like you said you would be."

"You're welcome," Remus answered, adding softly, "thank you for coming back."

"Is your hand alright?"

"Yes, it's fine," Remus answered, offering it to Severus.  He didn't take it.

"If it does happen, for real.  If I'm called, I'll need a wand."

"I know."

"And…I packed my robes, my mask.  You won't let me forget?"

"No, I won't let you forget."

"Good.  I'll never forget…but, I might."

"What?"

Severus shut his eyes.  He could still hear the screaming. So much screaming.  And hissing, but that was the sea.  He told himself that it was only the sea.

"People sometimes think the masks are blank, featureless, but they're not."

"I know," Remus replied.  "I remember, from…I remember.  They're stretched."

"Yes.  But they weren't made like that."  Then Severus stood and retreated into his room, coming out moments later, mask in hand.

"Meet Henry Doyle," he said, his voice without emotion, again.  His face too.  It was terrifying, so Remus looked away, looked at the mask, which represented more terror than even he could imagine, but it was still easier than looking at Severus's face.  The face that he remembered smiling, in his dreams.

The mask had features, or what could be called features.  A nose, a brow, thin lips stretched thinner.  Awkwardly shaped ears that were customarily covered by the black cloak's hood.

"Tradition," Severus explained, briefly casting his eyes to the picture frames that lined the wall, but they were darkened, too darkened to see.  "A young Death Eater has no mask.  It's a privilege earned only with a first kill, this precious anonymity.  Some incentive, isn't it?  I went without a mask for so long.  I can barely remember what that felt like, to…but then I killed Henry here.  Tradition calls that a death mask shall be made of the first kill.  But before it dries, you have to put it on, stretch it or squeeze it so it fits.  So the features go blurry, but you never forget their face anyway.  I can still see him, in this mask.  Doesn't matter what I've done, since.  All that matters was before."

"That's not true," Remus answered, putting the mask on the table.  "You've done more for our side, for his side, than most.  You'll help us win this war, to save people like him.  His family.  He'd thank you for that."

"He had no family.  He died alone.  And he'd never thank me.  He was a Muggle.  It's not his war, it shouldn't have been his death."

"It's everyone's war, whether they know it or not," Remus rebutted.  "You must see that."

"Perhaps.  Thousands dead, to save millions.  Numbers, numbers.  Is this what we are dying for?" he asked.

"Partly.  But there are bigger things that we are dying for, Severus.  Great things."

"I thought we weren't allowed to bring worth into this," Severus frowned.  "It's why we hate Voldemort, isn't it?  The fact that he's trying to assign worth to human life.  Wizard is better than Muggle.  But we're not allowed to think like that, to think like him.  So we kill ourselves, by the hundreds, because we've authored this equation where you equal one and I equal one and Henry here, he equaled one.  And subtraction and addition and we cancel each other out sometimes but it's numbers numbers numbers and we pray that, in the end, the balance will be on our side.  Isn't this what we're fighting for?"

"No.  Severus, no.  Voldemort is fighting for hate, not numbers.  And we, we are fighting for…for the right thing.  I don't care what you say about perspective and…some things are immutable, I have to believe that, and…the right for everyone on this fucking planet to live, to find a place that is their own, to be their own person, not just the sum total of their parents' genes, to have an effect on the world, to bring in life, to be life, that is great and good and right.  And so worth dying for."

"It's ridiculous," Severus sighed.

"It's not."

"They'll never thank you for it, what you give up for them."

"They don't have to."

"And they'll never forgive me."

"Severus, they don't have to."

It went unspoken, the fact that Remus forgave him.  Things like this, they always went unspoken, for Severus.

"I am sorry, Remus."

"I know.  Me too."

"Our own little war, nearly won," Severus smiled.

"Yes, nearly."

A/N 2:  Thanks to…

DumbOldDork

The Treacle Tart

Lillinfields

Selke

Tradilien

Marie

Kira

Ilmare2

NeuroticSquirrel

Saavik13

Arafel2

Barbara Kennedy