What If-

(based on the mediator series by Jenny Carroll/ Meg Cabot)

It's 2004 now... yay!!! ~Chels

Disclaimer: As far as I've seen, this is an original storyline. If any other story bears resemblance to mine it is by pure coincidence and truly unintentional. However, should this occur, please notify me immediately and I will check into it and react accordingly. Thank you. ~Chelsea

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So... you hate crying?" Paul asked, still holding me closely. I nodded my head, looking up at him. "Care to tell me why you were crying?" He asked. I shook my head 'no'.

"So I'm getting the silent treatment?" He asked.

"No." I answered.

"Are you mad at me?" He questioned.

"No." I replied.

"Jesse?" He inquired.

"A little." I answered quietly, wishing it was a lie.

"Was he out there?" Paul asked gently. He was not smiling -for once- he actually seemed concerned. I shook my head 'yes'. Paul nodded. "I'm sorry" He said quietly.

"About what?" I asked, my fit of crying over.

"If I embarrassed you... If I did anything to contribute to your tears." He said.

I smiled slightly, "A few days ago I Probably would have told you that you should be sorry- but now... I'm not so sure..."

Paul beamed at me as if I had just given him the moon from the sky. "To tell the truth, I never thought I would hear you say that- or anything like it- to me." He admitted. To say I was shocked would be an understatement- I almost fell over- I would have, if he hadn't been holding me. "Oh, really?" I asked seriously, "But you seemed so sure of yourself."

He laughed. "Seemed is the key word-" He took a deep breath, "In real life, I was running scared... The truth is- the tough guy thing- it was all a facade... I mean, I'm not a girly guy, but I'm a nice person- most of the time."

"Mm..." I said, "So I really had the wrong impression of you, didn't I ?" A shimmery glow in the distance caught my eye- Jesse- he said nothing, just stared, then disappeared.

"Yeah, I guess." Paul answered, oblivious that Jesse had just made another surprise appearance, "So... party at your place tonight?"

I shook my head, clearing out all the cluttered thoughts running through it, " What? Party? I don't remember anything about a party." Paul pulled a bright orange flier out of his pocket and handed it to me. Suddenly it all came back to me. I sighed, "Right- that... I'm being blackmailed into not telling about it too- stupid brothers..."

"I'll come- to help you keep everything under control- we can take 'em together." Paul offered.

It was my turn to laugh. "All I have to do is make sure the cops don't come-" Jesse popped in and out again. I wish he'd stop this! He's playing with my heart like it's a freaking yo-yo. I pulled away from Paul, suddenly feeling like I needed to be somewhere else- somewhere by myself.

"Fine, but I'm still helping-Are you alright?" Paul said as I moved away.

"Yeah, just -um- seeing things" I answered, squinting my eyes closed to make my point. Paul nodded his head. For some reason I could not bring myself to leave. "That was really sweet" I said, after a moment of silence, " What you did in the cafeteria, I mean."

Paul smiled, "Thanks." He said sincerely.

"It's true!" I persisted awkwardly. "Where is everyone anyways?" I asked, it had gotten very quiet.

"Voting for student government- some people probably thought what I did back there was a gimmick to get votes... I guess, if I win for president, my 'performance' was a double success" Paul said, laughing. I laughed too. Suddenly, the hallway filled with students and everyone was instructed to go to class. I left Paul and headed towards math.

"You've got the vote so in the bag!" Cee Cee exclaimed, coming up to me.

I laughed, "Yeah, I had no opponent! Why would I lose?". I saw Jesse out of the corner of my eye, then he disappeared.

"Oh, Debbie decided to run for VP with Kelly- she got permission yesterday." She informed me, "But she didn't stand a chance- Everyone voted for you, especially after lunch." This was going to be a very long day, I could tell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night I hugged my mom goodbye. shook Andy's hand and wished them a safe trip, all the while wearing a fake smile. This would, most likely, turn out to be a night from hell. As I watched their car turn the corner out of my view, I felt a presence behind me. Turning around I saw Jesse. "Jesse!" I yelled angrily, right as he was about to disappear. I grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him through the house, into my room. "Would you mind telling me why you've been appearing and disappearing all day? Maybe explain to me why you're messing with my mind while you're at it?!"

"Querida- I-" He stuttered.

I was not through ranting yet, "Don't 'querida' me, Jesse. What do you think you're doing?! You drop me like a hot potato when things start to heat up between us, then you keep popping up everywhere, staring, but not saying anything! What do you want from me?! I loved you, but I guess you didn't feel the same- or else you didn't feel like having that commitment... being tied down... The thought scared you didn't it!? Well guess what? The joke's on you, because I am not the type of girl to stand by and watch a guy walk all over me and mess with my heart and- what I'm trying to say is: I'm over you." Ouch, that hurt. I felt my heart rip as I was saying these things. I could never really be over Jesse. Ever.

"Susannah, It just wasn't right... I did love you... I did... But... It wouldn't have worked. I was trying to get up the nerve to confront you, but I couldn't... so I left the note and had Father Dominic talk to you... but that made me feel horrible, so I had to come say goodbye in person... I- I'm sorry..." He said, voice sad. He hugged me. I felt my heart swell with love and sadness, I knew that me and Jesse could never be together... It was like trying to mix water and oil... I just did not want to believe it...

"Querida... I think it is time... for me to move on..." Jesse said quietly, tightening his grasp on me.

"To the rectory?" I asked, hoping that's what he meant.

"No...to the place I'll spend my afterlife..." He answered, "No matter where I go, Susannah, remember one thing- That I'll always love you... always"

I couldn't help it... I started crying, "Jesse, no!" I said, my heart breaking for the millionth time that week.

"Goodbye Querida." He said, disappearing. I couldn't help sobbing at the finality of that disappearance. I would never see Jesse again. Even though he'd hurt me, I loved him... Nothing could ever change that.

"SUZE!" Brad called from downstairs. The doorbell had rang a few moments ago. I couldn't move. I was to busy crying on the floor.

My door opened and someone rushed to my side. "Suze!" He exclaimed, it was Paul. "What happened?" Brad asked, coming upstairs. For once he was conscious of other people.

"Jesse- he- he..." I sobbed. Paul gathered me up in his arms. "It's gonna be ok." Paul murmured, "Just tell me what happened."

" He-he-Paul!" I said, hugging him, "He moved on." I whispered into his ear.

"Good God!" Paul said, "I- I'm sorry Suze." Brad got a shocked look on his face and left, thinking that something normal-or earthly at least- had happened that I would want to be alone for. Soon I heard people downstairs, I was still in Paul's arms, tears were occasionally falling down my cheek. I just wanted to be held. It hurt so bad.

"I... I've never really lost anyone before..." I said to Paul, " I mean, my dad died, but I still see him... I never expected this to hurt so bad... I know how my mom felt now... It sucks..."

"I know" Paul said, "Death is so final... unless you're a shifter... then it comes as a shock when someone moves on."

There was a knock on my door. Paul got up to answer it. "It's Cee Cee and Adam" He said. I shook my head to tell him to let them in. They took one look at me and were immediately by my side. Paul took a seat on the window chair.

"What happened?" Cee Cee asked.

"Jesse- um- broke up with me..." I said. Adam got up and went to join Paul on the window seat, apparently this conversation was too girly for him.

" I know what will take care of sadness like that!" Cee Cee said.

"What?" I asked, curious.

"Dancing with your friends!" She said, "Go get into something a little more party-like and let's go have some fun!" I smiled weakly, then decided to give it a try. I got up and put on some party clothes- a red vinyl corset, a black mini skirt, some fishnet tights and some shiny black leather boots. I fixed my make up, then went back to stand by Cee Cee. She grabbed my hand and said, "Let's go! Come on guys!"

"Goodbye Jesse" I said as I left the room. Paul grabbed my free hand and gave it a squeeze as he heard me say that. He gave me a reassuring smile. "Everything will be alright- I promise" He said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this chapter-was it good? Let me know whatcha think and I'll add another. that is what you want- right!?!? all it takes is a little of your time... Thanks again. ~Chels