Title - Every Day Dawns
Author - Katriona
E-mail - JNButler19@aol.com
Rating - PG-13 just in case, but not sure
Summary - Abby and Carter are together, but something major will happen.
Authors note - AU fic. It's the first fanfic I've had the courage to let others read. Please R and R, I need all the help I can get!
Disclaimer - I don't own anything, etc
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Goodbye
Carter's POV
I sit beside her, and take her hand, still warm, still pink, but I know this will not last. I know she's not alive any more, that it's just machines, but I try to put that thought out of my mind, and pretend that none of this is happening. We're at home, and I'm lying in bed, watching her sleep. I move closer to her, and stroke her face gently.
'I'm sorry I left you. I'm back now. I'm here now.' She looks so peaceful, and there is almost no indicator that there is anything wrong, nothing except for the tube breathing for her, and the IV's in her arms. A stark contrast to when I last saw her. I was being wheeled off to surgery, having finally given in, and I asked to see her before I went. She was covered in blood, and they had been working on her for ages. Elizabeth was just getting ready to operate, her last chance, and I kissed her cheek and whispered 'I love you' before I was whisked away. Before I knew it, I was awake again, and Susan was sitting by my bed, looking solemn and scared.
'Abby' I asked, daring to hope that she was ok, but she shook her head, and my heart plummeted. Susan went through the medical side of it, but I didn't listen, and drifted off again into a confusing few hours of nightmares and pain, but the worst came when I woke up, and the reality hit me. This was not a dream. I demanded to see her, said I would walk down if they didn't give me a wheelchair, and finally they relented, and here I am.
It seems impossible, the contrast between then and now. When I left, she looked so bad, so much in danger, and yet there was still so much hope, still so much life in her body, and now, there is nothing. She look's so peaceful, so healthy, just like she does every morning, and yet she will die. It's not fair.
I watch her face, taking in every minute detail. Her eyelashes against her soft, creamy skin, look like a dolls, not real, but I expect them to flicker open, and reveal the glittering, laughing eyes I love so much, smiling at me before she teases me for watching her. Yet, there is no movement, I will never see them again, and for the first time I begin to accept that she will die.
I take her hand, and see the wedding ring shining, brand new and perfect, placed there only yesterday. Was it only yesterday? It feels like a million years since we stood before our family and friends and were so happy it felt like my heart would burst. It feels like that now, except this time it is overwhelming grief and pain that causes it.
'Oh Abby. I love you so much.' I need to tell her, and for one crazy second I expect her to smile at me, but there is no movement, and I carry on.
'You know, you have saved my life so many times. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you, and yet I have to say goodbye.' I give a big sigh, I'm not making any sense but there are things that must be said,
'I think I loved you from the first time I saw you. You were, and always have been wonderful, and every time I looked at you or spoke to you, you weaved your magic a little more and I was hooked. And you were always so oblivious of my love. I watched as you dated Luka, as you laughed with him, and walked with him, but you always turned to me for help, and danced with me, and leant on me, and that kept me sane. I thought that I could survive with that, could be happy with you as a friend but, deep down, I knew that it was never enough. So many things happened on the way, so many times we were hurt, but we ended up happy. I will never forget the look on your face when I asked you to marry me, as the shock turned to unadulterated happiness and joy, and I knew at that moment that everything would be ok. Except it isn't. I love you more in this second than I have ever loved you before, and I know I will never love anyone again, not like you. Nobody could ever capture my heart like you did, and I will never let anyone try.
Do you know you are pregnant? Well, you are. There is a baby living inside you, who is perfect, and healthy, but I will lose it when I lose you, because it can only survive with you, and I think it's the same with me. I don't think I can live without you, I can't carry on but I know I must and it is killing me.
I wish we could just get up and walk out, together. I would whisk you away to where there are no people, nobody but us, nobody to hurt us or try to separate us. And then I will bring you home, to our home, with the white picket fence and the wide expanse of grass and the children jumping through the sprinklers on a warm summers day. I promise Abby, we'll do it. When you wake up, when you get out. We'll have it all.
But you're never going to wake up again, are you? And we will never watch our children play, and we will never grow old together because I have to leave you here. I have to say goodbye, but I don't want to.
I'll miss you. I'll miss you first thing in the morning when I wake up alone, and your warmth and your smile and your love aren't there to brighten up the day. I'll miss you when I go to sleep, and I lie on my own in the dark, without your breathing breaking the silence. And I'll miss you a hundred times, a thousand times more during the day, in every waking moment and sleeping second that I am without you, because I love you. You are my everything, my all, my day, my night. You are my dreams, my soul. You are my heart. I love you.' Tears threaten to overwhelm me, and I look at Elizabeth who has stood in the corner, waiting for me to finish, and I see tears in her eyes, as she whispers,
'I'm sorry.' I keep hold of her hand as she moves, and I close my eyes as I hear the ventilator being turned off, and the tube being taken out.
'She'll probably breathe on her own for a little while, but it won't be any longer than a few minutes. I'll leave you alone now.' My eyes are still closed as I hear the doors swing shut behind me, and I kiss her hand, letting my head drop onto my arms as I wait, and the tears begin to run down my face.
::
I wake up, struggling through the darkness that is my dreams until my eyes open and I squint against the brightness of the day. Suddenly, I realise what day it is, and I feel sick with dread and grief. Stumbling out of bed, I make my way into the lounge, and see Susan in the kitchen, already dressed in black and making coffee. She looks at me, and gives a sympathetic smile before handing me the mug.
'Here you go, drink this.' I gulp the scalding liquid down in one, and she looks worried, but I dismiss it.
'What's the time?' She looks at her watch,
'About half ten.' I explode with rage, uncontrollable.
'Why the hell didn't you wake me? The cars will be here at half eleven.' She looks surprised and alarmed, and I immediately feel guilty, and flop down on the couch, leaning forward and holding my head in my hands .
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do this.' She sits down beside me and holds me in her arms, as she has down many times over the last week.
'I know, I know. But you will. And you know why?' I shake my head, 'Because you have too.' The tears are still flowing but I lift my head and nod. 'You're right.' She looks at me and brushes the tears away with her finger. 'Go and get dressed.'
I go and stand in the bedroom, our bedroom, and look out of the window. It's sunny, and in a way I am glad. Turning round, I look at the room. It's still full of her things, her clothes draped over chairs, her photos and jewellery stand on the dresser, her hairbrush still has her hair on it. Her earrings I gave her for her birthday glitter in the sunlight, and for the first time, I force myself to look in the jewellery box that stand next to them. Her engagement ring lies against the cloth, never to be worn again. She took it off the morning of the wedding, leaving the bare finger free for her wedding ring, which is still in the pocket of my jacket. Kerry gave it to me as I left the hospital. I shouldn't have left, I signed out AMA, but I needed to be here, where there was still something of her left, or at least I thought there was. There is nothing now, just meaningless objects in an empty room.
I gaze out of the window again, watching, waiting. For what, I don't know. There is no future for me. The rest of the world will carry on and I'll be left behind, mourning. I'll be one of those bachelors that appear on chat shows and talk about how they loved and lost. Or maybe I'll just hide myself in this apartment for the rest of my life, and watch as the cars carry on down the street, the people with places to go and people to see, people who love them, people who care.
Oh, there are plenty of people who care. There are cards all over the lounge, filled with words of sorrow, and yet none of them mean anything. There were cards before as well. 'Congratulations.' 'Good luck.' Susan came round before I left and packed them all away, the wedding gifts as well. One day I'll read the cards again, but not now. Not today. A black car pulls up outside the building and for a second I wonder who it's for, and then I remember. It's our car. The car that will take me to say goodbye. I don't want to.
Before I know it, I am standing at her graveside as they lower her coffin. I can hardly remember the funeral service, it is all a blur. I vaguely recall different people talking about her, hands on my shoulders to comfort me, and the dried flowers. I remember the flowers that she loved so much. I also remember the panic I felt when I walked out of the apartment block and saw the car waiting, the same colour as the limo, and I almost couldn't get in it, I froze, but Susan took my arm and guided me.
It is sunny, too hot for black, and I feel like I am going to faint. Everything goes wobbly, dark, and I am falling, and vaguely, in the distance, calling from a long way away, I here my name.
'John. John. John.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Thank you so much for continuing to review. It gives me the confidence to carry on. This isn't the end yet but if you don't keep reviewing, I won't post the rest. Thanks. (Please R&R, just in case you didn't get the hints!!!!)
Author - Katriona
E-mail - JNButler19@aol.com
Rating - PG-13 just in case, but not sure
Summary - Abby and Carter are together, but something major will happen.
Authors note - AU fic. It's the first fanfic I've had the courage to let others read. Please R and R, I need all the help I can get!
Disclaimer - I don't own anything, etc
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Goodbye
Carter's POV
I sit beside her, and take her hand, still warm, still pink, but I know this will not last. I know she's not alive any more, that it's just machines, but I try to put that thought out of my mind, and pretend that none of this is happening. We're at home, and I'm lying in bed, watching her sleep. I move closer to her, and stroke her face gently.
'I'm sorry I left you. I'm back now. I'm here now.' She looks so peaceful, and there is almost no indicator that there is anything wrong, nothing except for the tube breathing for her, and the IV's in her arms. A stark contrast to when I last saw her. I was being wheeled off to surgery, having finally given in, and I asked to see her before I went. She was covered in blood, and they had been working on her for ages. Elizabeth was just getting ready to operate, her last chance, and I kissed her cheek and whispered 'I love you' before I was whisked away. Before I knew it, I was awake again, and Susan was sitting by my bed, looking solemn and scared.
'Abby' I asked, daring to hope that she was ok, but she shook her head, and my heart plummeted. Susan went through the medical side of it, but I didn't listen, and drifted off again into a confusing few hours of nightmares and pain, but the worst came when I woke up, and the reality hit me. This was not a dream. I demanded to see her, said I would walk down if they didn't give me a wheelchair, and finally they relented, and here I am.
It seems impossible, the contrast between then and now. When I left, she looked so bad, so much in danger, and yet there was still so much hope, still so much life in her body, and now, there is nothing. She look's so peaceful, so healthy, just like she does every morning, and yet she will die. It's not fair.
I watch her face, taking in every minute detail. Her eyelashes against her soft, creamy skin, look like a dolls, not real, but I expect them to flicker open, and reveal the glittering, laughing eyes I love so much, smiling at me before she teases me for watching her. Yet, there is no movement, I will never see them again, and for the first time I begin to accept that she will die.
I take her hand, and see the wedding ring shining, brand new and perfect, placed there only yesterday. Was it only yesterday? It feels like a million years since we stood before our family and friends and were so happy it felt like my heart would burst. It feels like that now, except this time it is overwhelming grief and pain that causes it.
'Oh Abby. I love you so much.' I need to tell her, and for one crazy second I expect her to smile at me, but there is no movement, and I carry on.
'You know, you have saved my life so many times. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you, and yet I have to say goodbye.' I give a big sigh, I'm not making any sense but there are things that must be said,
'I think I loved you from the first time I saw you. You were, and always have been wonderful, and every time I looked at you or spoke to you, you weaved your magic a little more and I was hooked. And you were always so oblivious of my love. I watched as you dated Luka, as you laughed with him, and walked with him, but you always turned to me for help, and danced with me, and leant on me, and that kept me sane. I thought that I could survive with that, could be happy with you as a friend but, deep down, I knew that it was never enough. So many things happened on the way, so many times we were hurt, but we ended up happy. I will never forget the look on your face when I asked you to marry me, as the shock turned to unadulterated happiness and joy, and I knew at that moment that everything would be ok. Except it isn't. I love you more in this second than I have ever loved you before, and I know I will never love anyone again, not like you. Nobody could ever capture my heart like you did, and I will never let anyone try.
Do you know you are pregnant? Well, you are. There is a baby living inside you, who is perfect, and healthy, but I will lose it when I lose you, because it can only survive with you, and I think it's the same with me. I don't think I can live without you, I can't carry on but I know I must and it is killing me.
I wish we could just get up and walk out, together. I would whisk you away to where there are no people, nobody but us, nobody to hurt us or try to separate us. And then I will bring you home, to our home, with the white picket fence and the wide expanse of grass and the children jumping through the sprinklers on a warm summers day. I promise Abby, we'll do it. When you wake up, when you get out. We'll have it all.
But you're never going to wake up again, are you? And we will never watch our children play, and we will never grow old together because I have to leave you here. I have to say goodbye, but I don't want to.
I'll miss you. I'll miss you first thing in the morning when I wake up alone, and your warmth and your smile and your love aren't there to brighten up the day. I'll miss you when I go to sleep, and I lie on my own in the dark, without your breathing breaking the silence. And I'll miss you a hundred times, a thousand times more during the day, in every waking moment and sleeping second that I am without you, because I love you. You are my everything, my all, my day, my night. You are my dreams, my soul. You are my heart. I love you.' Tears threaten to overwhelm me, and I look at Elizabeth who has stood in the corner, waiting for me to finish, and I see tears in her eyes, as she whispers,
'I'm sorry.' I keep hold of her hand as she moves, and I close my eyes as I hear the ventilator being turned off, and the tube being taken out.
'She'll probably breathe on her own for a little while, but it won't be any longer than a few minutes. I'll leave you alone now.' My eyes are still closed as I hear the doors swing shut behind me, and I kiss her hand, letting my head drop onto my arms as I wait, and the tears begin to run down my face.
::
I wake up, struggling through the darkness that is my dreams until my eyes open and I squint against the brightness of the day. Suddenly, I realise what day it is, and I feel sick with dread and grief. Stumbling out of bed, I make my way into the lounge, and see Susan in the kitchen, already dressed in black and making coffee. She looks at me, and gives a sympathetic smile before handing me the mug.
'Here you go, drink this.' I gulp the scalding liquid down in one, and she looks worried, but I dismiss it.
'What's the time?' She looks at her watch,
'About half ten.' I explode with rage, uncontrollable.
'Why the hell didn't you wake me? The cars will be here at half eleven.' She looks surprised and alarmed, and I immediately feel guilty, and flop down on the couch, leaning forward and holding my head in my hands .
'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't do this.' She sits down beside me and holds me in her arms, as she has down many times over the last week.
'I know, I know. But you will. And you know why?' I shake my head, 'Because you have too.' The tears are still flowing but I lift my head and nod. 'You're right.' She looks at me and brushes the tears away with her finger. 'Go and get dressed.'
I go and stand in the bedroom, our bedroom, and look out of the window. It's sunny, and in a way I am glad. Turning round, I look at the room. It's still full of her things, her clothes draped over chairs, her photos and jewellery stand on the dresser, her hairbrush still has her hair on it. Her earrings I gave her for her birthday glitter in the sunlight, and for the first time, I force myself to look in the jewellery box that stand next to them. Her engagement ring lies against the cloth, never to be worn again. She took it off the morning of the wedding, leaving the bare finger free for her wedding ring, which is still in the pocket of my jacket. Kerry gave it to me as I left the hospital. I shouldn't have left, I signed out AMA, but I needed to be here, where there was still something of her left, or at least I thought there was. There is nothing now, just meaningless objects in an empty room.
I gaze out of the window again, watching, waiting. For what, I don't know. There is no future for me. The rest of the world will carry on and I'll be left behind, mourning. I'll be one of those bachelors that appear on chat shows and talk about how they loved and lost. Or maybe I'll just hide myself in this apartment for the rest of my life, and watch as the cars carry on down the street, the people with places to go and people to see, people who love them, people who care.
Oh, there are plenty of people who care. There are cards all over the lounge, filled with words of sorrow, and yet none of them mean anything. There were cards before as well. 'Congratulations.' 'Good luck.' Susan came round before I left and packed them all away, the wedding gifts as well. One day I'll read the cards again, but not now. Not today. A black car pulls up outside the building and for a second I wonder who it's for, and then I remember. It's our car. The car that will take me to say goodbye. I don't want to.
Before I know it, I am standing at her graveside as they lower her coffin. I can hardly remember the funeral service, it is all a blur. I vaguely recall different people talking about her, hands on my shoulders to comfort me, and the dried flowers. I remember the flowers that she loved so much. I also remember the panic I felt when I walked out of the apartment block and saw the car waiting, the same colour as the limo, and I almost couldn't get in it, I froze, but Susan took my arm and guided me.
It is sunny, too hot for black, and I feel like I am going to faint. Everything goes wobbly, dark, and I am falling, and vaguely, in the distance, calling from a long way away, I here my name.
'John. John. John.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Thank you so much for continuing to review. It gives me the confidence to carry on. This isn't the end yet but if you don't keep reviewing, I won't post the rest. Thanks. (Please R&R, just in case you didn't get the hints!!!!)
