Disclaimer: Press the back button and check the Prologue.
Author's Note: Well, I really need to clear some things for you.
Timeline: This first
chapter is set after "Homebodies". I got this idea before knowing
what the episode was all about and of course it hasn't aired yet, so I
apologize for any contradictions or inaccuracies that there might be in
the future. The scenario just fit perfectly though.
This will develop throughout
season 4. I was thinking about making every chapter some sort of post
episode fic (still following this plot), which I eventually will, but since
I have no clue regarding the upcoming episodes I'm making up the cases
mostly. You just have to imagine that's what happened. Hopefully it'll
work just fine since I'm not planning on getting into technical details
(it'd work great for the other 3 seasons, but since they're trying to get
us to know the characters better this time...)
Spoilers: That's a tough one. I'm thinking "Overload", "Crash and Burn", "Lady Heather's Box", "Playing With Fire", "Inside The Box", "Homebodies"; indirectly "The Stalker", "Too Tough Too Die", "The Accused Is Entitled"... I'd say just about everything is fair game. Any similarities to season 4 are PURELY COINCIDENTAL, I swear!
Reviews: NEEDED/WANTED
Feedback: WELCOME
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Chapter 1: Slipping Through The Cracks
He shifted slightly in his chair, trying to get a little more comfortable, but his aching body didn't seem to notice the change.
Time had finally caught up with him.
Pages scattered all over the break room table were silent witnesses of his frustration: too tired to function effectively, too wired to go home and try to get some sleep.
His eyes struggled to focus, but the pulse of his hand faltered anyway. The coffee he had poured himself about an hour ago was beyond cold, forgotten somewhere between spacing out and pretending he was getting some work done.
Truth be told, he hadn't even wanted to go home.
The sound of steps echoed through the empty hall until he heard whoever it was stop right behind him with a gasp, making him turn around. He wasn't really surprised and could easily tell that she hadn't expected him to be there.
"Wow, you scared me" She acknowledged "This place is graveyard silent. I thought there was no one here."
He smirked, wishing he could make her assumption come true. Sara just came in, appearing to be as lost in her own thoughts as he was.
Smelling the rest of the coffee in the pot she started busying herself by throwing it away and making a new pot in a routine he knew she had developed after months of working overtime.
"I didn't realize you were pulling a double" She commented after a pause.
"I'm not" He replied, his answer suddenly becoming more meaningful than he had intended it to be.
Putting the recipient back in its place, she sat in the chair across from him but didn't face him, still too involved in noticing the mess he had made with the cases' files. Feeling extremely self-conscious he concentrated in making some room for her in the table.
"I know what you mean" She finally turned to him smiling bitterly "Can you believe I *actually* went home and tried to sleep?"
Nick chuckled softly, knowingly, noticing for the first time that her eyes held an oddly familiar glint. The same look of anguish and despair he had found staring right back at himself in the mirror of the men's room not too long ago, while trying to regain some composure.
The dark circles under her eyes were also a dead giveaway.
Both stared intently at each other's worn out shoes not eager to discuss the reasons why that particular case had upset them so much. Still the images of the previous night were permanently burnt in their memories; a reminder of all the pain, suffering and misery the world had to offer to whoever dared to open his eyes and step outside his plastic bubble.
Or just turn on the 6 o'clock news.
Complaining felt unfair while contemplating the fact that at least they and their loved ones were not the victims. Not on a regular basis anyway. But being forced to deal with filth and horror night after night didn't come for free and it was a prize they had - knowingly or not - agreed to pay.
And it was bound to stay with them forever. It didn't matter if they did the best of efforts at being clean the rest of their lives. The blood and the grime were stains they had to learn to live with.
But both were barely starting to comprehend that while fading to a shadow of themselves in the process. And the reward had seemingly stopped being enough.
He snorted.
"What?" Her head shot up, suddenly attentive at what he had to say.
It was funny the way that human beings were brought together by painful, negative experiences. Nothing like sharing a tragedy of epic proportions to make someone care about what the person beside you has to say.
"Do you know the reason why I became a CSI?" She shook her head "I thought this was the place to start making a difference."
She hadn't counted on people and emotions being a factor in the job after deciding to be a CSI. She had wrongfully left it out of the equation and now the consequences had turned out to rise slightly above the limit of what she could take without letting it run every aspect of her life.
Cases like this always made her reconsider her career choice. But the faces of those she had failed to see in the beginning pushed her forward with more intensity than was healthy, threatening to cause her to burn out like a shooting star.
"Catching the bad guys is not good enough anymore" He sighed sadly "It doesn't matter if we do the best we can. It's not enough"
Times like these he almost wished he could be as cold-blooded as Grissom. But he ached, and so did she.
"People have to live with what happened," She added absently "and there's nothing we can do about it. Giving closure in the best of cases is definitely not enough"
She closed her eyes and hurried to rub them with her fingers. He could have sworn she was about to cry.
But he was too overloaded himself to waste time and saliva comforting her, unsuccessfully trying to lie out of pity or mercy by saying that it all would be eventually fine when he felt like he didn't know anything for certain anymore.
"Come on" He hurried to stand and offer his hand to her. His determination compelled her to oblige and raise to her feet as well, not entirely sure of what he was going to propose. "I'll buy you breakfast, lunch or whatever"
Sara tried to argue but he was already dragging her all the way down the hall and through the exit door.
"I don't feel like eating, Nick" She managed weakly.
"Neither do I, but it beats sitting there feeling sorry for the world" He argued reaching his Tahoe and holding the door open for her to hop in. "I'll drive you back to get your car afterwards, OK?"
His eyes pleaded silently with her, and she was just too tired to stand her ground. Besides, the salty tears threatening to escape made her eyes - extremely irritated by the deprivation of sleep - sting.
"Fine" She stated once inside the vehicle "But let's just go to my place. I don't feel like being around people today."
He nodded, somewhat relieved.
The ride went by in a tight silence, both having learned that music didn't do anything to erase the unwanted thoughts. None of them had the will to start a meaningless conversation, let alone resume the one that had taken place at the crime lab.
Which didn't mean the topic at hand had ceased to plague their minds. Fortunately they were only a couple of minutes away.
She fumbled with the keys making her way to the door while he locked up the Tahoe and jogged towards her.
"You realize you're settling for a veggie meal, right?" She warned him a little late. He nodded in confirmation while walking past her into her apartment.
"Whatever it takes to avoid that terrible coffee of yours." His lame attempt at a joke didn't pass unnoticed, and the corner of her lips tugged in a shy smile while she motioned to slap him in the arm.
His hand caught hers in an automatic reflex but his gaze was fixed in her features, longing to feel as light-hearted and carefree as the small gesture.
Her laughter couldn't last more than a second but the moment it stopped he immediately missed the sense of ease and release that it had brought, making him yearn for it to numb his jaded soul again.
All of the sudden her saddened eyes met his, looking for something that had been there, but not knowing exactly where to find it.
Nick drew her nearer, but she was the one to close the gap and kiss him hungrily.
**************
Sara Sidle woke up a little disoriented. It took her eyes a few minutes to adjust to her surroundings. Glancing at the watch by the night table she realized she had slept at least six hours, a fairly good amount of time for someone who had complained of insomnia that very same morning.
He was nowhere in sight, and she wasn't about to hold that against him. She successfully tried to dig her jeans out from somewhere under the bed where she had a vague recollection they had ended up; the rest of her clothes were a totally different story. She finally took a random T-shirt out of a drawer and put it in.
She found him frantically turning her living room upside down.
"Looking for something?" She half smiled amusedly.
"Um, you wouldn't happen to know where my socks are, would you?" He asked, awkwardness written all over his face. His search was forgotten as he paused to button up his shirt and tuck it inside his jeans before zipping them up as well.
"Did you check between the covers?" She sat at the table, far more relaxed than he pretended to be. He shook his head.
"I didn't want to wake you" He answered while heading to her bedroom. She quickly picked up the clothes that remained scattered all over the place and put them with the laundry before returning to her chair.
He came back looking just as tense and uncomfortable as before, but with both socks and shoes on.
"I wasn't going to leave" He forced out. She rewarded him with a smile that did nothing for his nerves.
"I know. I wouldn't have blamed you if you did though"
"Right, sure. Look, I'm not an idiot. If the girl leaves, she's just confused; if the guy leaves, he's a womanizer"
"Can you chill and sit down for a minute?" He cautiously took a sit at the other end of the table. Sara had almost started to feel sorry for him. After all, he did look like he was about to have a panic attack.
"I suppose this is the part where we have 'The Talk'" He stated, and braced himself for whatever painful declaration she was about to make. She winced.
"I'm sorry Nick. I'm not in love with you" The words sounded harsh and empty to her, so much that for a second she believed the look of relief in his face was just her imagination.
But indeed, he had let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
"You don't know how happy I am to hear those words from you, Sar" He smiled between breaths. "I'm not in love with you either"
"That's a happy coincidence, I suppose"
Both chuckled animatedly, and he stood up again.
"I better get going. There's only about a couple of hours 'til the night shift starts, we were asleep a while."
His stomach growled loudly preventing him from more babbling.
"Don't be ridiculous. There's no reason why we can't be adults about this" She said standing up and walking her way past him and towards the fridge.
"Well, sorry if I feel a little self-conscious after sleeping with you. Casual sex with friends usually doesn't turn out so well" He grimaced. She just had to smile at that.
Beneath the 'ladies' men' cover Nick Stokes actually had a kind, gentlemanly heart.
"All I'm saying is: it's already happened. We can't change that. It'll never happen again, let's move on"
"And don't let it ruin our friendship." He concluded a little bit more convinced "Sounds like a plan"
"Now you're talking" She smiled and started going through the many cabinets of her kitchen "We never got around lunch so I'll fix us dinner"
"You seem a little too comfortable with all of this" He frowned, suspicious. Sara sighed momentarily distracted from her housewife role and becoming a little bit more serious.
"I'm committed to not letting my past mistakes run my life." Her honesty finally won him over and made him relax. "Plus it's not like it was a terribly bad thing. I *do* feel better than this morning"
"There's the truth at last!" He joked loosely. "I'd always thought that you wanted me"
"I knew you had me all figured out!" She retorted rolling her eyes.
"Look, all I want --" His sudden loss of words made her turn to face him, and he took a step forward at the risk of invading her personal space "I don't want this to be the reason why you won't come to me when you're feeling down. I don't want this to be in the middle"
Touched by his sweetness, she couldn't help but rise on her tiptoes and give him a slight peck.
"I promise, you are at the very top of my list" The sound of her voice was as soft as the pressure of her lips on his.
He smiled and she shifted her attention back to the kitchen; the atmosphere had changed to one of affably camaraderie.
"Now go set the table" She commanded.
"Yes ma'am." He complied, wondering how on Earth he had gotten so lucky. A few minutes of comfortably silent contemplation passed between them before any of them felt the need to voice their thoughts.
"By the way, in case you were wondering, your underwear is under my bed."
- END OF CHAPTER 1
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Written by Mary S.
Thanks Dolly, your Beta
reading rocks!!!
