Part 2, Imprints. He sits down on the bed, still unable to believe it, he prayed for her, he asked for her to be okay, so why isn't she? He can't understand it, surely she was meant to live forever, never meant to leave him. He hadn't wanted to leave her in such a state and all he wants to do is apologize, apologize for ever coming into her life, for everything he had ever done to her. He had never thought, for one moment, that he would ever have to say the final goodbye, that's what it would have been, goodbye forever. He knows that what one of the paramedics had told him was probably true "It was meant to be". How could she have meant to die? Why would anyone want Chrissie to die, not in his wildest of dreams can he imagine ever wanting for her to leave him. It's too late now, she has left him and there's no going back, sure, he can't say goodbye, he can't tell her he really loves her, but there's not anything he, or anyone else for that matter, can do. Chrissie had meant the world to him, probably more than that, the sun the moon and the stars too, and he can't see how he can live without her, not now. He had made it look like he didn't love her, of course he had, he had loved her more than anything and no pathetic, meaningless fling with Tricia is worth loosing her. He knows he could probably have lived with himself if she had just left him, sure he would have been angry, distraught, but he would never have felt this bad, he would never have had to feel the pain of loosing her, forever. Forever seems such a long time, even a few weeks is forever without her, and forever sounds painstakingly definite. She can't have left him, he knows that he's just going in circles but as soon as it begins to sink in he starts to doubt it all again, it just doesn't seem real, it probably never will. He just wants it all to be over, for the pain to stop and his heart to be un-broken; he can't stand to live alone, without the one and only good thing in his life gone. Sure, they hadn't particularly been together, but everyday he had been able to see her, and that had eased the pain, even if he couldn't hold her, couldn't kiss her. As much as he had wanted to, he had held back, she had made it sound so final when she had told him that it was over that he had decided it was best to keep away, how wrong could he have been? If only he could take it all back, every moment he had spent with Tricia, every word he had ever wasted upon her and give it all to Chrissie. He knows that, deep down inside, he had ever only been with Tricia because she had been part of Chrissie, the closest person to her and he didn't want to let go. Only having part of her made it easier, made the whole breakup easier to bear, and yet all the while he had known it was wrong, if only he could turn back the hands of time. Just to make it yesterday again, so that he can make it all right again, tell her he loves her, stop her from going, and yet he knows that he can't, no matter how much he dreams. Maybe if he had made it there a few minutes earlier, the few minutes he had spent arguing with Tricia, the few minutes that could have made all the difference. Had she thought of him when she died, had she thought of how much he hurt her, had she regretted every moment wasted upon him? "My tears could cause an inferno Chrissie, how could you leave me like this, alone in the world? How could someone take you from this world? I love you Chrissie, I really do, and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry" He feels himself loosing it again, breaking down into floods of unbroken tears, if only she could hold him now, take away every last tear and tell him that she loves him, that it will all be okay. Every night that he had spent with her flash before him at once, every night that he had held her close, every night she had said how much she loved him. If only she could come back, kiss the pain away and bring the joy back into his life, but he knows it's impossible, however cruel the world is without her. She had just walked out of his life a few hours ago, he still feels as if he will go back to work tomorrow and there she will be, on Darwin, smiling at him gently like she always had. That smile could bring joy to anyone's life, even the coldest heart was warmed by that loving smile, and now his heart will never be warmed, he will never see that smile again. Never seems another final word, a word he had never wanted to say "never say never" isn't that what parents always say? And yet, he's sure that he can say never this time, its true, he will never love again and he will never see her, as much as he wants to. He turns his gaze towards the window, and watches the rain running down the window pain, feeling his tears falling with the raindrops. If only she had heard him call out to her as she had boarded the pain, if only she had just heard those words "I love you", but if she had, would it have made a difference? He can't help but think how she must have felt, she must have felt so alone, scared even, wondering where everyone she loves was. When she was lying there, tired, scared and dying where had they all been? He knows the answer instantly, he had been arguing with Tricia and suddenly he can't even remember what it was about, it seems so un-important now. He can't ever imagine loving someone else, how can he ever love anyone as much as he did Chrissie, his life just ends without her? If only she could come and take it all away, all the pain and hurt, all the sorrow that lies inside of him now, she can't have gone, not really. If only she could be beside him now, telling him that she loves him, then nothing else would matter, he would never let her go, not in a million years. He can feel himself loosing it, once again, and he's sure that this time he will never recover; the tears will never cease to fall. He knows that he will never hold her now; he will never hear her say that she loves him; never get to tell her that he loves her. He doesn't even see a way out, any way of surviving without her by his side, just smiling at him, laughing gently, what he would give just to see her face, to hear her laugh. ~*~ He lies there in bed, alone at last, giving him time to think about it all, at last. Things that happened tonight he never wants to recall, and he can't even imagine just getting up and going to work as normal in the morning. It's not normal anymore, everything has changed, so much so that he can't even think of it all, he has Anita, Chrissie's died, it doesn't all sink in, not yet. As much as Chrissie dying hurts him, the hurt is overcome by the happiness that he is filled with knowing that he has Anita back, probably forever. He hasn't even spoken to her yet, but he's sure she wouldn't be here if she didn't love him back. He had been so afraid to tell her, so afraid to tell her and yet now he's said it, he is sure that he can say it again and again and will never be tired of saying it. However he looks at it, he has been given another chance, one last chance to tell her he loves her, one last chance to make it work, and that's what he intends to do, to make it work. He doesn't know why she came back exactly, when she had a whole future ahead of her, but he is mighty glad she did come back, that she did risk it all for love. Love is worth every risk in the world, and he knows it, love is worth anything, even death. Just thinking of love and death leads him onto thinking of Owen, how would he be feeling, would he do something stupid? He can't be sure that Owen won't do something stupid, since love is worth death but he knows that Owen is more logical than that, he isn't one to do crazy, spontaneous things just because of the loss of a loved one. He knows that it's not the end for anyone apart from Chrissie, and even she will remain in their hearts forever but for Anita and him, it's all about new beginnings and second chances. ~*~ Diane feels herself waking up again for the last time that morning, its 5:00am according to the clock that sits beeping on the cabernet beside her, time to finally get up. She doesn't want to look beside her incase he isn't there, in case it was another of her unlikely dreams, dreams that seemed so real. She knows she has to and she feels relief spread through her when she turns to see him staring at her gently with those loving eyes. "No regrets?" She asks him, she has to, she still doesn't believe that its real, it can't be, he can't really love her. "Why would there be any regrets? I love you" Just hearing the words she throws her arms around him, falling down onto the bed, she can't help but want to hold him as he says those words, wants to kiss him, never to leave his side in case she finds out he isn't there any more. "As long as you're sure, Ric." "I've always been sure Diane, as long as your happy and I love you, nothing else matters in the world to me, you know that. I never stopped loving you either, never." She can't take it all in, all she can do is hold him tight, breathing into his top, she doesn't ever want to move, not again but she knows that at some point she will have to. She doesn't know what to say to him, she wants to return it and yet she can't find the words inside of her to say it, she can't just assume he knows, life isn't worth living just based on assumptions. "We had best get to work" She mutters, she can't think of anything else to say and yet she knows she doesn't want to go, she wants to be with him how she is now, for eternity. Eternity seems like forever and yet forever isn't even long enough for her, not now. "No we don't, we can say we were... tired" He laughs as the words tumble out as he draws closer to her once more, she can't believe it, here she is with him, again, and its not a dream, its real. "You have an answer for everything don't you?" She laughs and strokes his hair affectionately. "Would you love me any other way?" "Nope" She giggles, drawing him in for a kiss, the best she feels that she has ever had, she doesn't want to leave him, she suddenly forgets about work, forgets about everything apart from him. ~*~ Owen sits down on the chair, looking around the bedroom, he knows he will never forget her, however much time passes, whatever happens. He wants to look over to the bed and see her lying there, sleeping peacefully but he knows he won't ever see her lying in his bed again, not even in his dreams. He feels himself letting go, he can't even remember what she looks like anymore, can't picture her in his mind and he suddenly feels so guilty. How can he forget her so quickly, the one and only love of his life, he knows he's being stupid, his mind is too confused to be thinking right now, but it doesn't ease the pain at all. He knows that he will probably never get over her, not for a long time from now, and he will always long for her to be beside him, no matter what. Maybe he won't always feel as bad as he does now, maybe the pain really does begin to subside as time goes by, but right at this moment, the thought means nothing to him, doesn't even quite register in his mind. He hopes that he never will forget her, but somewhere deep inside of him he wants to forget her so that the pain can finally be over, so that his life can get back to normal. He feels selfish just thinking it, he doesn't want to forget her, it's just the easy way out of something so hard to bear and yet he knows he has to make it through, no matter what. He can feel himself slipping back into the past, into distant memories, distant memories containing her, nothing but him and her, always. It's like she had always told him, she would love him 'always and forever, no matter what' did she think she would then, or did she still love him up until the day she died, this very morning? He had promised her that he would never leave her, never let her get hurt and yet he knows he's broken his promise, something he hoped he would never do, she's gone and she had been hurt, too many times by him. He can remember swinging her round in his arms, holding her close, kissing her tenderly, all the memories flashing so fast before him that he can't hold onto them, not one of them as much as he wants too. He still can't understand why she has been taken from him, ripped from the world so unceremoniously that he can't even think about it, she's gone, that's it, the end. Maybe even the end for him, he can't see any way that he can go on and yet he doesn't want to join her, yet, he doesn't want to die. How can you not want to live, but not want to live? He knows he has to decide between one or the other but right now, he's happy to be in the middle, living but so close to wanting to die. "I miss you already Chrissie, I will never stop loving you, as long as I live I'll never forget you. You lit up my word and made each day worth living, made life worth fighting for, I love you so much, why did you have to leave me?" He whispers, he knows she can't hear him, he probably doesn't want her to hear him and yet he's glad he said it, he said it for a reason, whether it makes sense or not. He wants to tell her all these things and yet, he knows, that if she was still alive he wouldn't ever have told her, probably not anyways. ~*~ Ed walks onto the ward, something's definitely different and he notices it at once, Chrissie isn't there at the nurse's station, on the ward, anywhere. He finally realizes that the gut feeling he had, had the feeling of loss that had spread over him, had something to do with Chrissie, he's sure of it. Wherever she is, he's sure that there is something wrong, something terribly wrong. He knows that whatever has happened, there is nothing he can do, nothing he can say, as much as he wants too. He's been fighting the urge for so long to tell her he loves her, to tell her that they could work out, even with all the aggravation over Amanda, maybe the time has run out, maybe he will never get to tell her. As much as he wanted to take her in his arms, pronounce his love for her, he knows that deep down inside she still loves Owen, and no matter what has happened to her, she forever will. He hears a door close behind him, causing him to drift out of his thoughts and snap back to reality, he turns around at the sound of approaching footsteps. "Tom!" "Ed, please, sit down" Tom whispers gently, motioning towards the chair that Ed had previously jumped out of, the tears begin to raise in his eyes again, he doesn't think he can go through the ordeal with Ed, not now. He knows that Ed had been close to Chrissie, which makes it so much harder to say; just finding the words hurts him. "Ed, its Chrissie, she. she. she died in a train crash last night" Ed falls into his hands, no tears escaping his eyes yet, he can't break down, he has to be strong, now more than ever. Tom walks beside him, placing his hand on his shoulder, he isn't sure what to say, how Ed even feels about it all, maybe it will bother him more than most, but maybe it won't. He doesn't waste any time standing around, feeling its best to leave; he walks back out of the ward and into the café, where he sits pondering over a cup of coffee. He's not sure if he should go up, talk to Ed, and yet he knows it's probably best left alone, for now anyways. It will never be the same without Chrissie around and he knows it, she changed the ward slightly, made everything seem so different and to someone like Ed or Owen that loved her so dearly it will seem even more different, so empty. He knows the feeling of Empty too well, he had felt it, if only for a few hours, when Anita had left him, it had been a feeling that took over all others and would play on your mind forever, never giving up. He can't see how Owen will go on, and Ed will probably be feeling the same thing, even if they hadn't been so close, he had seen the way that Ed had looked at Chrissie, it was a look of longing, a look of sheer adoration. There was no denying it that deep down inside, Ed had loved Chrissie, no matter how much he had said otherwise, no matter how much he had tried to hide it. He had never talked to Ed about it, it wasn't something they ever did, maybe Ed would have admitted it before it was too late if he had said something to him, but there is no use dwelling in what should have been said, he knows that well enough. He hears the scraping of a chair and looks up to see Ed falling down onto the chair in front of him, tear tracks running down his face, something gripped inside his trembling fingers. Tom looks towards him sympathetically, not quite sure what to say, this is Anita's kind of thing, not his, however he knows he has to help out his friend, no matter what. "Ed, I'm... I'm so sorry; I don't know what else to say." He mumbles, he isn't yet quite sure what else to say, not even sure that Sorry can help someone who has lost someone, he knows it probably wouldn't have helped him. "Sorry doesn't help much Tom, if only I had told her. but being able to talk... helps." "The fact still remains that you didn't tell her, and maybe it was meant to be that you didn't tell her, things like this just don't happen. If you want to take the day off, I do understand, I know she meant a lot to you, and we may be busy, but you have the right to go home" He knows that he has to let Ed go home, there is no point in allowing him to stay at work, not when he has lost someone that he had loved so much, not with the regrets that he knows are filling Ed's mind. ~*~ Kath looks across to him, thinking to herself how happy she is and how it's still true, he is still beside her, sleeping peacefully. She has almost forgotten about the message that had been left on her phone last night until she sees it blinking as she enters the living room. She remembers the urgency that had been in Tom's voice and decides to call him back, not wishing to replay the message itself. It's not like Tom to sound that urgent and so she finds herself wondering why she didn't answer it last night, its bound to be important. She feels the anticipation building inside of her as she listens to it slowly ringing, whatever it is, it's got to be bad news. Somewhere deep inside of her she doesn't want to phone him, doesn't want to hear whatever he has to say because she knows that it will shatter the happiness in her life, something always does. "Hello?" "You wanted me to call you, sorry I've only just got up." "Kath, listen, are you sitting down?" She sits down gently on the chair, knowing instantly that its probably worse than she had originally thought, and she doesn't want to crush it all. She feels herself longing to hang up, to pretend that he didn't want to call her, to pretend its all okay, but she knows its just being selfish, whatever's wrong she has to know so that she can deal with it. Zubin has changed her so much that she's beginning to wonder if its all for the best, he has her so happy that she won't even listen to bad news for her, making her selfish. She knows its not him making her selfish, its her own thoughts, and she has to get it all back on track so that whatever it is, she can sort it. "Oh no, what is it Tom?" He hears the worry in her voice, as if she's holding back tears and he almost regrets being the one to tell her, almost regrets phoning her that night. He knows he had to phone her, he had no choice and she had to know, Chrissie and Kath had worked together, and although they didn't always get on, he knows that, deep down inside they cared for one another. "It's Chrissie.. she erm. she died last night" The words don't seem to sink in, don't seem to register in her mind, there is no way that Chrissie died, no way in this world that Chrissie could have. She isn't sure if she can speak any more, the tears welling in her eyes and the lump building in her throat hurts her, but not as much as the pain in her heart. "H. How?" She asks him tearfully, she isn't sure how she even manages the words, can't see how she gets them out, but she does and as soon as he starts to explain she wishes she hadn't asked. "She. she boarded a train at 2am this morning, it crashed. we.we did all we could Kath, we really did, I couldn't save her, when we arrived she was. she was.already dead." She can't muster any more words and so she simply puts down the receiver, falling down further into her chair, collapsing in never ending tears. "NO!!!!!!!!!" She knows that shouting won't bring her back, that nothing can and yet she still can't believe it, it all still doesn't seem real. Why would she have boarded a train so early in the morning, she can't help but think it was all part of some sick joke? She feels Zubin kneel beside her and put his arm around her, and yet she can't even think about him anymore, the only person that is in her mind is Chrissie. Every time someone had left her she had always been so strong, but this time it's different, this time she has more regrets than ever, so many things she shouldn't have said, things she could have done differently. She knows that all the regrets are just part of grieving, she's felt it all before, so many times now that she doesn't even think it helps. She knows that all the regrets and what if's will lead her no where and that its all a vicious circle in life that you have to avoid and yet she can't help but think that it all could have been different, if only she had done things differently. Zubin pulls her closer, wrapping his arms gently around her and swaying her slightly to ease her grief-ridden sobs. He doesn't know what's gone on, he's not even sure he wants to know, but one thing he knows is, is that Kath is upset and all he wants to do is comfort her, tell her everything will be okay. "She can't be dead" The words sound in his head like a rifle, sending his thoughts in a new direction, whatever has happened, its not something he can fix, not something that will go away quickly. He bends his face closer to hers, so that he can look deep inside those eyes, those eyes that are now so full of hurt, so full of a sudden loneliness and guilt. "Who can't be?" He knows that maybe its best left unsaid right now, but he has to ask her, has to find out, he's never seen her like this and it scares him. Scares him that maybe she's not so strong, maybe he can't fix everything for her, it scares him because he doesn't want to be hurt, but most of all it scares him because he feels that if ever she's upset, it's his fault. "Ch. Chrissie" She whispers softly at him, the words still so hard to find, she can't believe it still, she knows that once its truly sunk in its going to be worse, once the funeral has taken place and its all definite, that's all funerals are, a confirmation that they are gone. She lowers her head and looks at her hands as she wrings them gently. "Zu. Zu. Zubin.. I feel so alone" "You have to remember Kath" He lifts her head to be level with his own "Kath, listen to me, remember that you are never EVER alone, remember that for me, never ever" "Oh Zubin, you deserve better than me!" "But the fact remains Kath, I don't want better than you" He smiles at her gently, wiping the tears away from her cheeks. "I'm trying to say, I don't deserve for you to like me, I don't deserve anyone. and I hate it so much that people love me, that people want to be with me. because I'm not worth it" She believes it, and she knows that she doesn't deserve a man like him, for anyone to love her, not after Terry, especially not after terry. "I don't know what's got this into your head, but if all this with Chrissie is causing this, I'll get you through it, your worth every second I spend with you, believe me." ~*~ Ed sits in the car, his head pounding with the constant flow of thoughts that still run through his head. He still can't understand it, still doesn't want to allow himself of grieve for her, how can he grieve for a woman that he doesn't yet believe to be dead? He still isn't sure how he can live without her as a familiar song comes onto the radio, a song that is so familiar to his feelings, a song meant for him. No I can't forget this evening

Or your face as you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way

The story goes

You always smile but in your eyes

Your sorrow shows

Yes it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow

When I think of all my sorrow

When I had you there

But then I let you go

And now it's only fair

That I should let you know

What you should know He understands the song as if it was written for him, and only for him, he knows that deep down she had been hurting, that he had been foolish to let her go. He had never deserved a woman like her and he had lost her, lost her so easily almost as if he hadn't had her to begin with. He hadn't had her, not really, not the way that Owen had, he hadn't woken up to her every morning, he hadn't married her, and committed to her. All he was was a painful memory that ruined the happy life she had had, and he knows it, deep down inside he is still admitting it to himself. I can't live

If living is without you

I can't live

I can't give anymore

I can't live

If living is without you

I can't give

I can't give anymore He doesn't feel the will inside of him to carry on any longer, he had never felt it before even if he had lost her she was still there, even if she hated him. He knows that she hated him; no matter how much she tried to hide it, and why shouldn't she? He had destroyed everything for her, maybe fathered the baby that had died, the one that had caused so much hurt in so many lives. He loves her so much, even if he had told Owen that he didn't, told Owen that he didn't think of her, didn't cry over her, how foolish had he been trying to deny it to himself? He knows that no matter how many people you try and fool the hardest to fool is yourself, and he had almost managed it up until today, the day when he realised his true feelings for himself and stopped denying it. She probably would have been no different towards him had she known, but he would have felt different about it all if she had known. He hadn't realised that he had felt so strongly for her but then he realises, of course you can't love someone, it hadn't been a one night stand, or something you regret in the morning, he had felt for her something that he had never felt for anyone else, love. It hurt him so much as she grew hostile towards him, tried to block him out and yet he now understands that she had to, if you love someone as much as she did Owen then you will risk it all for them, just as he is willing to risk it all for her. He knows its stupid, selfish even, but he feels no reason to live on, his father still sits rotting away in some prison because of him, Chrissie still lies dead probably because of their stupid fling, he doesn't deserve to be alive and he knows it. You always smile but in your eyes

Your sorrow show

Yes it shows

I can't live

If living is without you

I can't live

I can't give anymore

I can't live

If living is without you

I can't give

I can't give anymore He knows that the song is true, maybe he can live without her, but he can't live with himself any more, not knowing all the pain and hurt he has caused everyone. Back then, way back then, he hadn't expected his whole life to have so many effects on his future, it's because of his father and his guilty conscience that led him to have that fling with Chrissie in the first place, the reason she left Owen, the reason she died. Right at this very moment he sees two options ahead of him, to end it right here, right now or to tell everyone the truth, the real reason that his father is in prison at this very moment. He hears someone coming up beside the car and opening the door, he turns around to see Tom sitting beside him, his eyes alert and wide awake despite it still only being six o clock. "Ed, I just wanted to see if you were going to be okay, you've been sitting here for half an hour, I was worried about you." "I'm fine, honestly" He can't seem to tell Tom the truth, doesn't know that he wants to tell Tom the truth, he's his longest friend, he's bound to try and stop him, but right now the only thing on his mind is to get it over and done with and to hurt as little people as he can. "Look, are you sure you don't want me to take you home, I can take the day off work, honestly, its fine, if you need anyone to talk, I'm here." Ed knows that Tom is trying to be sincere, to help him and yet he doesn't want the help, he doesn't want Tom to know how he feels, what he is thinking. He shakes his head, unable to suppress any words, unable to stop himself from choking up, from crying so much that he will never be able to cry again. Just as he stops his head he feels a gentle tear flow from his eye and run down his cheek softly, he doesn't want Tom to see it, but he knows he has, he knows that Tom won't leave him alone until he knows the truth. He takes a deep breath, still not too certain about telling him, then again he want to, he wants to tell someone, just to let it all out and why not his best friend, the one who has always helped him out? ~*~ Tricia walks into the familiar room, Chrissie's coat still folded over the chair, her shoes still sitting in front of the arm chair despite Tricia having asked her to move them. These minute unnecessary things mean nothing to her, but just at this moment she hears it, playing softly from Chrissie's bedroom, a gentle melody. As she pushes open the door and sits upon the bed the words begin to hit her and she falls down onto the bed sobbing uncontrollably, is that how Chrissie really felt? Reflections of your love

Have come to wither

I thought I'd done my best to memorize

A picture fades of you and I together

I haven't come to terms

with how we said goodbye She knows that what she did to Chrissie was stupid, foolish, selfish even but she hoped inside her heart of hearts that Chrissie knew she loved her, that she really did care. But all at once it hits her that Chrissie never did, that she lay dying inside that train thinking that her mother didn't love her, that she didn't even care if she died. All the times she had spent with Owen, luring him in and capturing him in her tangled web, she hadn't once thought of Chrissie, what it would do to her if she found out, and now it's too late. Too late to take it all back and tell her daughter she loved her, too late to apologise for everything she ever did. Did you really care?

Care at all for me? Did you really care? Did you care at all for me? She wants to just shout out to her, tell her she did care, does care and forever will care for her one and only daughter. She knows that Chrissie had played it, just for her to hear it, for her to feel hurt, for her just to understand, but if she had known that she would die, would she have played it still? If she had known what hurt she would be putting them all through, would she still have left? The only answer she can find inside of her is yes, they deserve every bit of pain that they are feeling, but Chrissie, Chrissie didn't deserve to die. She was a good woman, who had recently experienced just what she is feeling now, loss of a child. But she knows that deep down Chrissie hadn't felt as bad as Tricia does now, she hadn't felt a failure in the upbringing of her daughter, hadn't led her daughter to die. A displaced little girl

Wept years in silence

And whispered wishes you'd materialize

She pressed on night and day

To keep on living

And tried so many ways

To keep her soul alive She can't go on sitting here all day, crying, even if she wants too, which she does so much she can hardly even see it as believable. Her daughter left her, without a proper goodbye, without knowing how much her mother really loved her, thinking that she hated her, just because she betrayed her once. She knows that a mother shouldn't do what she should, a mothers loyalty goes beyond all of that but at the time it didn't sink in. She made a mistake, a mistake she is paying for a million times over right now, she feels the tears starting to fall in their decent. She's lost her daughter and it still doesn't make sense inside her head it just seems like a mystery, a puzzle just waiting to be unsolved. She can't help but feel torn inside, heartbroken and yet foolish, she knows that what she had done with Owen, even if it hadn't meant anything, had been stupid. ~*~ Jess sits at the piano still playing the tune of Reflections quietly, just thinking it all through, and mulling it all over in her mind. It doesn't seem right, not for her to have fallen pregnant again; it all doesn't seem to make sense either. It had been one night, one stupid night that she had regretted the morning after, but maybe now, just maybe he might seem to recognise what he has done. Her mind still races over the situation, each time leading her to another place, another choice to make, she doesn't want to loose the baby, doesn't want to abort it, not this time. She knew back then that even if Alex didn't want it, she did and that aborting it had been one of the biggest mistakes of her life, she is blessed to be able to have a second chance, and this time she doesn't want to mess it up. She pulls away from the piano, the tears running down her cheeks now clearly visible, and sits gently onto the sofa, flicking absentmindedly through the channels. Whether or not Ed loves her or not doesn't even make a difference any more, she will make it on her own if she has to. She lifts the phone gently to her ear and dials the number, not even sure if she should tell him; sure that he will be the same as Alex, ignorant. "Hello, Ed?" "Yeah, what is it Jess, I'm kind of busy, can it wait?" She hears the sadness in his voice but doesn't quite take note of it, nothing, she feels, can be beyond what she is feeling right now. "Not really, can you just come around, please?" "Okay, but just not for long okay?" He sighs and puts down the receiver, wondering just what could be that important, he doesn't want to have Jess having a go at him, not with everything that has recently happened, Tom only just managed to keep him from doing something stupid. Jess sits back down at the piano, playing something she hasn't played for so long, a song that always seemed to blow all the worries out of her head with its simple rhythmic melodies. It doesn't matter how she tries to see it in her head, there is only one way to do this, to go through it alone, and it seems the only way she can do it. She doesn't feel love for Ed but already she can feel love for the baby, growing inside her with every second that passes. She can never remember feeling this strongly about Alex's child. "Maybe you need to loose it to realise what you have" she whispers gently, singing in tune with the music as it fills through her, waking her up inside. She isn't sure what is to come of her, what is to come of her child but just for once, for one time in her life, she doesn't care, all that matters is what is going on now, she is pregnant and in nine months down the line she will be holding a child in her arms, her child. Just thinking she could be a mother in just nine months scares her slightly, how do you just become a mother? It can't be just something you are called, its something you are, something that you live by daily, something deep inside of you that never goes. How could she ever be a mother, to have someone depend on her so much, and yet she knows that she will be able to do it, its not that she has to, she want too because if all else fails, she will always have her child and nothing can change that. She feels herself thinking selfishly, it's not all about being alone or not, it's about loving the child, bringing another person into the world and showing them life, showing them love and guiding them through it all. Putting it so plainly she can't image anyone not wanting to have a child, no one regretting ever getting pregnant because she knows that it's a privilege and that she's lucky, luckier than most. So many people can't have children, so many people would love to be in the situation she is now and she wants to make the most of it, even if that's not what Ed wants. She kicks herself mentally, she doesn't even know what Ed wants, doesn't even think about what he wants because she knows, it doesn't matter really, she's strong enough to go it alone. He hadn't been there for Chrissie so why should he be there for her, why should it be any different? She knows that he may want to help, may want them to be together, it seems stupid to be thinking like that, but maybe he has thought about her as much as she has thought about him, and yet, she knows, he hasn't cried as much about her as she has him, not ever. He stands in the doorway of the room, just staring at her, he knows that there are tears in his eyes, he knows that he's probably never stopped crying but it's at that moment that he realises how much he loves her. It sounds strange, even in his head, to be loving Jess, it had been one night, one night he could tell she wished never happened, one night in which he had pretended to not remember, not to care about. Deep inside he had remembered, he had cared, probably more that he can ever bring himself to say, no matter what she had said, it had been something special. The whole ordeal of Chrissie and Amanda had thrown him off the night, had cast his mind somewhere darker, somewhere lonelier than anywhere else. Now its coming back to him, the look that had been in his eyes, the way he had almost cried as he looked at her, her beauty blinding all else, the way she had smiled so gently at him, those eyes reflecting it like nothing else, like all the stars placed so delicately into a chocolate brown sky. He can't deny that he had finally realised just how much he had liked Jess and he had allowed himself to admit it that night, but he knows that its all forgotten now, all blown over in a disastrous wind. He had let himself fall for her, it had happened so quickly he couldn't stop himself, he had fallen for her and now there is no turning back, no denying it to himself, not again. He can remember thinking the same things for Chrissie, but he had stopped himself, buried all the feelings until it was too late and now, now he is feeling the exact same for Jess except its different this time, there is no one else involved, it's just the two of them and forever it will remain. He steps into the room and she turns around, the tears still glistening on her cheeks, her body still shaking with emotion. He walks forward, unsure at first, and wraps his arms gently around her, swaying her softly in an attempt to sooth her. He never wants to see her cry, never want to see her hurt, no matter what. She breathes in deep, catching the smell of his aftershave, bringing back sweet memories of that fateful night, the night that brought her to where she is now. She pulls back, staring into his gentle eyes and he pours deep inside them, lost inside the intensity of them. What he feels for her right now, he knows, is love and there is nothing like it, nothing in the world as powerful as it, nothing in the world that can stop it. "Ed." she hesitates, not quite sure of what to say, how to say it, she hadn't expected it to be like this, for it all to go this way. "I'm." He lifts his finger to her lips and presses it softly against them, wishing her not to speak, to take the moment away from him, however selfish it is. He never wants to forget the moment, not for all of his life, the moment he truly fell in love with Jess Griffin. "Look, Ed" She pulls away his hand and holds it inside her own, pouring back into those eyes, seeing so much hurt already embedded deep into them like a solders wounds healed over but forever visible. "I'm pregnant" She whispers softly. The shock fills his eyes, takes over the expression on his face, captures his mind, it's not what he had expected, not what he had planned. He can't believe it, she can't be, not at all, it was one night, one night in which he fell in love with her, one night in which his life would change forever from the aftermath. He sits down onto the chair, twisting her around and sitting her on his lap, still not sure of what he wants, not sure of what he should do. She laughs gently, the confused look upon his face amusing her and he pulls her close, allowing her to rest her head on his chest, her laugh casting all thoughts out of his head, a baby with her, would be like a dream, a dream finally come true. ~*~ Tricia sits still looking upon his face, still wondering how he could still want to be with her, still want it 'them' when so much has happened. So many times had she told herself she didn't want him, so many times had she convinced herself it was true, that she was hurting the most important thing in the world to her, her daughter. And yet all the while it had carried on, right until the end and here he sits with her at this very moment, sits with her alone, with his hand on top of her own. She lifts her hand, brushing off his to wipe away the tears slowly gathering in her eyes. He can't want them to carry on, not after it all, he had always been the sensible one, the one that put nothing before Chrissie, and yet she knows that now she has gone, he is broken. Broken in half and just crying inside, she knows that Chrissie had been his world, the only thing that kept him going, maybe he just wants her because Chrissie is, was and forever will be, her daughter. She feels guilty again, just saying that Chrissie is her daughter makes her go through it all again, two police men standing on her doorstep saying the fateful words that a mother never wants to hear, that her child has died. She hadn't expected it to happen so soon, not because of a stupid affair, an affair that meant nothing, and never will. Owen had been good, she had enjoyed spending time with him, but it was nothing serious, nothing she didn't regret on every morning after. It starts to slowly come into her mind, every moment they had spent together, every last breath that they had wasted together, moments she could have spent with her daughter, telling her that she did love her. Owen leans forward, caressing her face gently but she pulls away, knowing it best not to go down that road again, not now, not ever. "Owen, no, it's not right, you're doing it for the wrong reasons, and we all know that" "Do we?" He whispers, not sure if he even knows the answer himself yet, maybe he does know that he doesn't love her, that it's wrong to go through it all again, but he doesn't want to let go of the last part of Chrissie that is left. "Your right" He whispers, but it's at that very moment that their lips touch, that sends them both to forget Tricia's words. They know what they are doing is wrong, but just then nothing else matters but being close to someone, having someone caring for you. She lifts her hand up to his head and runs her hand along it gently before pulling away, she knows that it has to stop, right now, or it never will. She gets up and crosses the room, deciding that its best to leave him alone, for both of them, the door shuts behind her with a click and it is only then that he looks up to reveal fresh tears running down his cheeks. He had loved Chrissie and loved Tricia because she was part of Chrissie and now every last part of her has slipped from his grip, faded away from view. He had never expected to feel this alone in the world, there had always been someone there for him, and now, he has no one. He looks out of the window, up towards the sky in which he wonders, is there somewhere else after earth you go? A long time ago he believed that there was something after death, somewhere nice and warm to go and now, now he isn't sure what he believes any more. His whole life has been thrown out of course within a few hours, in a few hours he has lost all and gained nothing, what in life is there for him to gain? When you have lost someone, you see no way out of the hole that you sit inside, dark cold and alone. Any escape from it, anything that you can still cling onto you will and that is what had lead him to Tricia in the first place, and now he has lost them both. Just a year ago everything had been different, each morning he had woken up with her beside her, he had fallen asleep with her in his arms and he had seen her smiling face every day, every moment he could. Now, now everything is dark, cold and he sees no hope, no future, how can he go on when every part of her has left him. He feels the tears running down his cheeks again, trailing down onto his chin of unshaven stubble, he doesn't even know how he let himself get in the mess he is, she would have hated to see him like this. She hated him. The harsh reality that she did seems almost unreal, unthinkable and yet he knows it is probably so close to the truth. So many things still rush through his mind, things Tricia had said, that Tricia had stopped Chrissie from going back to Owen, surely it's too late to be going back on things you have done. He knows that there is no changing the past and yet it doesn't stop him from trying, from wanting nothing more than to change everything and make it all right again. 'Right', what really is right in his world any more, not one good thing still remains, and she was everything good he had, not even his job seems anything compared to her. ~*~ Ed looks around the room, it's so familiar to him and yet everything seems so different now, so dark and cold. As she enters the room he doesn't even look up, he knew Tom would send her down even though he said he needed to get through it on his own, someone needs to do something alone, someday. Thoughts about Jess still run through his mind, he had escaped here for somewhere to think and yet now, now he is reminded only of Chrissie. "Its okay to be hurt you know, sometimes." She says gently, she still doesn't know what to say to him, she knows he's hurting but there isn't anything she can do, Tom had said it himself, she can't bring Chrissie back, no one can. He leans back in the chair and stares at her with blank eyes, eyes that had once been full of love and compassion. "I'm going to be a dad." She smiles at him, her eyes lighting up her whole face and he notices how beautiful she really is, Tom is a lucky man. She looks down and writes something onto the paper as he turns his gaze towards the window, the rain still beating furiously at the window in a soothing rhythmical pattern. "But I can't let go" "No one is trying to make you, Ed; you have all the time in the world to get over it. Death is not something anyone takes lightly. It takes time but when you're over it all you will be able to think of is the good times, not the times in which you spent arguing. And if what you say is true, you have other people to be thinking of." He slowly inclines his head and she stands up, heading for the door, she places her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it encouragingly, smiling at him once again and departs leaving him alone, once again. One way or another he is always alone and yet he smiles just thinking of the future, a child with Jess, being able to be happy again, just maybe. He knows that Anita is right, he won't forget her, but in time, she will be easier to remember. ~*~ Ric sits in his office, going through old files, his mind still fixated on Diane; he still doesn't believe it's real, that she can love him. His thoughts are interrupted with the door slamming; he gently looks up over the folder to reveal Jess standing in front of him. He sighs, he doesn't need her asking him for money not after all the gambling he had done, he's just getting it all back on track. "Dad" She whispers gently, he knows the tone of voice instantly, she wants something and he knows he will find it difficult to say no, but he has nothing left to give her. "How much is it this time, Jess?" He asks, almost robotically, sure that it is what she wants, money. "No, dad, listen I'm pregnant." His fists clench at once, anger and shock taking over him like a deadly virus, controlling his every thought. This is something he hadn't expected, not for a second time. He looks into her eyes, finally meeting her gaze and doesn't see any fear this time, nothing but joy is buried in there. He wants to laugh, needs to shout, let his feelings be heard and expressed and yet he knows not to, each of his children have distanced themselves from him through it. He still thinks of Leo, his son who he had so many dreams for, that he was so caught up in the dreams that he couldn't see the unhappy son he had right under his nose. He had never listened to Leo, just pressured upon him the life he wanted him to live and now, he doesn't ever want to make the same mistake with Jess, he couldn't stand too loose her as much as he doesn't show it. "And the father is?" he says at last, just hoping that his anger, sadness and disappointment doesn't show through, he only wants what's best for his little girl. She hesitates, not sure what to say, Ed had never seemed the reliable sort, the kind of guy you could call 'daddy'. She remembers growing up, the daddy she had, had seemed so powerful, a guy to constantly look up to, but he had never been the loving sort and she knows what effects that has on children. She doesn't want her child to grow up crying at night just wondering where daddy is and what he's up to, wondering what sort of step-mum she would get next. But somehow, she is sure that Ed would never treat her like that, would always be by her side even if she had had her doubts before. "Ed" she mumbles, turning her face away from his, not wanting to see his reaction, see the anger rise in his eyes as it always did, to see the disappointment turn to a pathetic sort of sympathy. That look of disappointment she had witnessed so many times, and each time it cut through her, making her feel unworthy of her fathers love. He stands up, and walks towards her, placing his arms around her and holding her tight, something he hasn't done since she was a little girl. For all of her life all she had wanted was to be in her fathers arms, because when she was younger all her fears and worries would just blow away but never had he held her, maybe because he had always been disappointed in her. She places her head gently onto his shoulder, letting her tears run down into his shirt, this time her fears don't leave her, but knowing her father is there for her, helps. "I know I haven't always been there for you Jess, but I do love you." He whispers, maybe Diane had been right, he did need to talk to his daughter, sort things out between them because what a daughter really needs is to feel she is loved by her father. He has always found it hard to show emotion, to share it with others but he knows that it's about time he opens up and tells those he loves, that he really does love them. ~*~ Zubin looks up upon her entrance into the room, smiling slightly; he hadn't expected her to have been in work at all today. She places herself on the desk, looking down on him and places her hand on top of his, rubbing it gently and looking into his caring eyes. She knows he didn't want her in, but she couldn't stay at home when everything she wanted was at Holby. "Didn't I tell you not to come in?" He says sternly, looking deep into her eyes with a look of deep concern. That tone of voice worries her, its one she had heard so many times before, in Simons voice, it was the tone he used when he was angry with her. Just simply bringing back memories of him brings tears to her eyes again, why when something good happens does she have to be reminded of him? She gets up and crosses the room, leaning her back against the wall, so many thoughts rushing through her mind. "Kath, what are you doing back at work?" That tone in his voice still remains, the fear still flowing through her veins just like it always had, back in the times of darkness. She looks up, seeing nothing but a blurred image before her, a blurred image of a man, leaning forward, with that sense of power about him. "Simon?" She whispers, without even realising it, she says it almost out of instinct. He continues to stare at her silently for a few moments, no matter how quietly she had said it, he heard her, how could she have called him it? Not in his worst of nightmares would he hit a woman, or even frighten one as much as Simon had Kath. "What did you just call me?" He asks her, the look of compassion vanished from his face, replaced with anger, hurt but most of all confusion. "I, I. I don't know, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry; you just sounded like him. you scared me." She mumbles, probably more confused than he is, the images of Simon throwing her across the room still vivid in her memory. She can still smell the blood that he left in the carpet, still see that look of anger in his eyes and as she looks up into Zubin's she sees that look again. "How can you ever compare me to that man, it's as if you wish I was him, do you want me to be a wife beater, is that what you want?" He knows he shouldn't raise his voice at her, but with the rape allegations he had once been held against it all seems unreal that he is being alleged to have done something almost as terrible. "No!" She slips down the wall, tears spilling gently down her face, fear seeping into every inch of her brain, its just how it started with Simon, she had been so happy at first, so happy. "What are you accusing me of here Kath?" He asks, she doesn't even look at him, can't look at him, because each time she does she sees traits of Simon in him, just the little things that scare her more than anything. She looks up at the sound of the door slamming beside her, and the tears begin to fall harder until she can no longer see anything but a pool of sadness. "I'm sorry Zubin" She whispers between heart-broken sobs, if only he could hear her. ~*~ Zubin looks up from behind a book that he is reading, the tears lining his eyes visible to Ric and Diane, no matter how much he has tried to conceal them. He hasn't been able to concentrate on anything but Kath and what she had said to him, the word 'Simon?' resounds in his head. "What's going on over there Zubin?" Ric asks, as he is bent over the patient, the heart monitor flat lining in the background. "Umm, I don't know!" He turns around to look up at the heart monitor, his insides churning, he has made a mistake, something is wrong with the patient. "Zubin concentrate!" Ric tells him sternly as he watches the heart monitor carefully. Zubin jumps up and stands in front of it, monitoring it with precision. "Her morphine levels are too high, he's beginning to go into arrest, Ric, stop the operation!" He shouts, having no idea how he managed to go wrong on such a simple operation. He knows exactly why he went wrong though, he had been thinking about her, and what she had said to him. He still can't believe that he had reminded her of him, him of all people, and he knows that she will never get over him, as much as she tries to say she is. He had left that same kind of imprint in her life that his wife had left in his, someone you will never forget, as much as its different between them, its really all the same. Ric holds his hands in the air, just watching his patient slowly slip away as Diane shoots worried looks between Zubin and Ric. ~*~ Kath still sits on the floor, still shaking violently with terror and loneliness; she hadn't meant to say it. Just at that one moment everything came back to her, everything that she never wanted to recall entered her head. He had sounded just like him; even the very words he spoke just sounded the same in her ears. The memories of him shouting at her, downgrading her, still remain fresh in her memory, just like it was yesterday, haunting her for eternity. She will never be able to forget him as much as she wants too, and as much as she tries, he has left that imprint on her life that is irreversible. She raises her hands to her head, pushing back the hair from her face as the tears continue in their silent decent. All she wants to do is run back to Zubin, be in his arms and repeatedly tell him that she's sorry, but he scared her. She doesn't want to live the rest of her life afraid of the fact that he could be just like Simon. She knows that he is nothing like Simon, that he would never hurt her, and yet she had always felt the same about Simon until his temper got the better of him and she's seen Zubin, she's seen just how angry he can get sometimes. No matter how much he does remind her of Simon, he really wouldn't ever lay a finger on her and deep down inside she knows it, it was just something that happened in the heat of the moment. She laughs gently, just thinking about how she must look huddled here in the corner of the room crying, just like she had so many times before in her life. She remembers sitting in the corner with her hands over her head just pleading with Simon 'please no more', the worst years of her life. She knows that she's just afraid to get into it all again, no matter how much she truly does love Zubin. Love must die, that's all she remembers of a certain song, and yet she can't remember which song it is, she knows that love dies, it died so early on with Simon, then Terry died himself, and she knows she can't live with loosing love again. Who's to say she has it right this time? She knows she has probably already destroyed any hope of love with Zubin now anyway, why oh why had she been so foolish? Why? Because she had simply been afraid of getting hurt again, of loosing her love once more, something she knows she just can't handle, and yet, Zubin is worth it. She knows that it's probably too late now to tell him she's sorry, to admit her love for him, and yet it's all she wants to do. She had lived all her life being afraid, she just doesn't want to be afraid anymore, just to have some happiness at last. ~*~ Ric takes Zubin's arm and leads him away from the corridor into the comfort of his own office with a serious look on his face. Zubin looks up at him, a look of pity in his eyes and places his head in his hands. "Zubin, What happened in there?" He asks putting his hand gently on Zubin's shoulder. "I, I don't know, I wasn't concentrating, I must have made a mistake." He says with the tears welling in his eyes, but he fights them back, he can't cry now, not after all that's happened. "Must've been some book to do that." Ric comments, picking up the book that Zubin had been reading and turning it over in his hands looking at it. "It's not the book." "Want to talk about it?" Ric asks, sitting in front of Zubin and leaning of the table to indicate that he's listening. "Its nothing, okay?" Zubin gets up and walks out of the room, the door slamming behind him with a dignified bang. Ric looks after him silently and sits back in the chair, Zubin had always opened up to him before, he was there for him over his wife just as Zubin had been there for him with each divorce. He knows that in time maybe Zubin will open up, but maybe in time it will be too late and more patients could loose a life. He picks up his pen and begins to write just as he hears a knock on the door and Kath's face move behind the glass. "Come in!" He shouts as the door begins to open and a very shaken Kath comes down with mascara running all down her face which she rubs away as she enters the room. "I'm, err, going to leave early today, is that okay?" She asks, her voice almost failing her. "Yeah," She turns to leave after smiling weakly at him "And Kath. have a good weekend." She nods and carries on out of the door just as the tears begin to fall again. Ric turns to look out the window as the sun begins to sit over the purpling horizon, he sighs deeply and takes up the pen again, someone has to do the report on what happened in theatre. ~*~ He sits in the hospital canteen and watches the white swirls on top of his coffee; he doesn't even notice that he has company. "Are you going to drink that?" Ric asks gently as Zubin looks up to meet his eyes, the tears running gently down his cheeks. "What is it Zubin? You haven't been yourself all afternoon!" "Kath and I got into an argument and she, she called me. me. Simon." He whispers gently wiping away the descending tears. Ric places his hand on Zubin's shoulder comfortingly and squeezes it slightly, not sure of exactly what to say. He has known Zubin almost all of his life and how anyone could have said he was anything like Simon is beyond him, especially Kath. He knows how terrified of Simon Kath had been, and in his eyes, he can't imagine Zubin ever scaring someone so much. "She sounded so serious about it, I really love her Ric. Why didn't I know I'd end up hurt, again?" He places his head in his hands to bury the tears.

"Zubin, sometimes it's worth taking the risk of getting hurt, you know that as well as I do!" He shouts at him, he doesn't know how it Zubin still can't understand. The best years of Zubin's life he had spent with his wife, and it had probably been worth the pain, and he knows it. "Just because it went wrong with Elizabeth it doesn't mean you have to push everyone away!" Zubin pushes back his chair, sending it scattering a few feet behind him, and walks out of the canteen leaving Ric sitting alone, just as he had previous. The one person he thought he could rely on, the one person he thought he could open up to had failed him, just like everyone always has. Maybe Ric had been right, maybe he just sent out a signal to everyone that told them to back away, and maybe that had been what had come across to Kath. He loves her, just like he had said to Ric, all he can do is think about her and yet, he sees no way of getting her back. ~*~ Anita looks around the room and places her feet up on the table, she can't believe she is back with him, in his living room watching television, as if nothing has happened. She doesn't want to be pregnant, and if she had any choice over it she would be running away and aborting it, making it all better, but she can't. There are other people involved for once, not just herself and there is no getting out of it, she had told herself she could be strong, get over it all but she's begun to doubt her own emotions more than ever. She's never been stuck in a situation that she doesn't see a way out of before, and she's never had to consider someone else, but she knows from now on she will have to consider two people, Tom and her baby. She can't seem to ever imagine herself being a 'mummy' it just doesn't fit in to her life, she has always been strong and together, free to go where she likes but now she's settling, and she doesn't like it. There are so many things she doesn't understand in life, as much as she tries to pretend she does, and one of those is, why? Why is she back with him, stuck in the same situation before? Why does she love him as much as she does? Why does he love her? So many questions that she just can't seem to find answers for. She goes out into the garden and looks up into the, now, star scattered sky and breaths in the fresh air, just thinking it all through. Maybe it was all meant to be; maybe she will be happy at last. "Let it be okay" She whispers before going back into the house and going back into the living room, to find Tom sitting there smiling at her gently. She slips down beside him and he takes her into his warm embrace as they sit watching an old movie. She knows that no matter what is going on in her life, one look from him will make it all okay again. ~*~ She places the wine glass on the table as she looks out into the night sky, alone for another time in her night. She doesn't even know why she was lead to think of him again, she had been so sure she had been over him, but maybe she never will be. Some people just leave an imprint in your life that's too deep to remove, and his imprint was just one of those. She loves Zubin, and has since the day she first set eyes on him, but now she has thrown away the chance and she knows it. She pushes the fork into the pudding, smearing the cream around the plate, not even food seems appetizing anymore. She takes the pen and tries to finish the letter to him, since she can't seem to explain it to him in words no matter how much she tries. The tears fall gently down her eyes and splash onto the pages smearing her writing slightly, but she can no longer stop them, she has no will power left. She looks silently up into the moon as the clouds drift slowly across it and memories come flooding back to her, memories of looking up to the moon one night from a lonely corner of her old house, a corner she had been cowering in, afraid to leave. That's one thing that Zubin doesn't do, he doesn't make her afraid to leave somewhere just in case he hurts her, she isn't afraid to come home to him at night, and yet she is no longer coming home to his smiling face and his warming touch, ever. Ever, that's the way she sees it anyways, like she has ruined every chance of his love that she had been given, it obviously wasn't meant to be, just like the others. He stands at the sidelines, watching her every movement, feeling her every emotion, he loves her, always has done. He's been filled with loneliness ever since she left him, and no one else can fill the void in his heart, apart from her, and he can't have her. At first he had thought she'd come back, she had never stayed away from him before, but over time it became apparent that she wasn't coming back, that she didn't love him. He had never meant to hurt her, it was just something that came over him, he said he loved her, and he meant it. He can still see her crying in the kitchen, hands held over her head screaming and pleading with him, he regrets it now but at the time it had been like something had taken over him. He hadn't known what he was doing, and by the time he had it had been too late, she was lying there in front of him, almost lifeless, and every time she awoke and was okay he believed he had been given another chance, yet every time he ruined it. "One last chance" He whispers in the chilling night air. She turns around at the noise, she recognized a voice and yet she couldn't decipher any words, she sees a shadow stir in the darkness and shivers. Just because she is alone it doesn't mean there is someone after her, she's moved on from being afraid. She hears a rustle of leaves and yet there is no wind, nothing to justify the noise she heard. She sits bolt up right as she hears the footsteps and heavy breathing, he's come back, she knows its him instantly. "Simon" she whispers, her voice shaking in violent fear. She feels his hand go over her mouth and the feel of his icy skin against her own, he pulls her head back and she sees his face staring back at her, his eyes alive with danger. She wants to scream, wants to run, and yet there is that strong force holding her back again, fear. "Give me another chance Kath!" He says, his voice ringing with that terror tone, and she realizes that Zubin hadn't sent the fear through him like Simon is, hadn't scared her as much as Simon does. She tries to shake her head as she gulps down the fear and yet she sees a blade shining, from the moonlight, in his gloved hand. She watches the tears trickle from his eyes and she knows why, he doesn't want to hurt her, just as he had always told her before. Yet, all the while, he feels he has to, to get what he wants, to put himself in control again. It had always been all about control for him, all about control and power and the only way he seemed to get it was through hurting her. The blood splatters silently over the letter as she lets out a whimpering cry of desperation. The knife clatters to the floor with a small crash, setting blood about the stone. "I'm sorry Kath," he whispers as his footsteps carry off into the distance, his guilt and anguish racing after him in gentle steps. She moves her hand gently to her back and the tears spill from her eyes once again, the last imprint made from Simon is the worst, and imprints really do never fade. ~*~