Part 3, state of confusion.
He has been thinking about her ever since he left Ric in the canteen, she's
all that runs through his mind, the only thing he still regrets. He should
have been more supportive and understanding of her and he knows it, it just
hurt him to be falsely accused again. He believes that he has failed her,
but doesn't have time to bask in the moment because the phone begins to
ring. He sighs and heaves himself off his sofa and heads off towards the
phone.
"Hello?" He says as he picks up the phone yawning slightly, it's late but
he doesn't want to go to bed, he can't sleep without her by his side.
"Zubin, I need you to come into the hospital now!" Ric shouts at him down
the phone, 'nice to talk to you too Ric' he thinks to himself.
"What is it?" He yawns again, just hoping to be able to get off the phone
and curl up in his warm bed, trying his best to forget about Kath.
"It's Kath." Zubin doesn't even wait for the rest of the sentence, the
phone drops by his side and he rushes off out of the door, stopping to do
nothing. If anything has happened to Kath he will never forgive himself,
never get over her. He doesn't even care if it's the tiniest thing wrong
with her, or the biggest, he wants to be with her, to hold her in his arms
once more, because that's the thing he misses the most.
~*~
Anita opens her eyes and looks next to her to reveal Tom lying gently
sleeping, she sighs with relief just because he is still there. She loves
him, and she might have tried to get away once, but nothing can stop her
from being with him now, having her child with him. She still holds the
doubts, of course she does, but the love just removes all doubts she could
ever have, for now.
She bends forward slightly and presses her lips gently to his cheek, he
turns around and her lips meet hers. They break away smiling and just stare
into each other's eyes, lost in the love that they feel for each other.
"Are you okay?" He asks, stroking her hair away from her head.
"I am now, yeah."
"You would tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" He knows he's
probably just being foolish, but he knows how Anita can wait until it's too
late to say something, and he doesn't want it to be like that again.
"I'll try to." She whispers, she knows she can't promise him anything, her
pride is enough to stop her saying or doing many things in life. Her pride
has got the better of her before, like before she was about to go, she
couldn't admit that she wanted to stay, wanted to stay in his arms forever.
"That's all I ask." He smile and looks over at the clock that rests behind her on the bedside table "Five o' clock in the morning, is that it?" He comments as he falls back down on the pillow and closes his eyes, pulling her close to him for warmth. ~*~ Jess stands in AAU, staring blankly at the wall before her, she can't get it off her mind that in nine months from now she will be a mother, truly a mother. At first the idea had shocked her, but once the initial shock was over, she felt completely blessed in life, just like she would have done with Alex's baby, if she had ever gotten over the shock. She is glad that she has another chance to be blessed with the miracle of a baby, the miracle of another person growing inside of her. She is still in a complete state of confusion over it though, about how she managed to fall pregnant with Ed's child, about how she can feel so happy about it. But the thing that matters most to her is that she does feel happy about it, she does want it and she isn't afraid any more. "Jess, are you going to go and see Mr. Calvin or not?" Lisa asks, cutting through her thoughts. "Who? Oh... erm... yeah. hang on." Lisa shoots her a suspicious look and goes off to see some patients. Jess smiles with a dreamy look upon her face and heads off towards the patient, her eyes sparkling with the enjoyment of life. She stops before a middle-aged man and smiles. "Mr. Calvin am I right?" ~*~ Zubin leans over her bed and strokes the hair out of her chalk white face gently, tears trickling silently from his caring eyes. He doesn't want to loose her, and yet he's afraid to tell her he's sorry, afraid to admit the truth to her just incase she won't say it back. "Kath, just wake up, you can't leave me here. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, I can't tell you, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. It doesn't mean you're not the only one I think of in the morning, and it doesn't mean I don't love you. If only you could wake up, I would love to tell you..." He sighs and looks around him, the heart monitor whirring comfortingly in the background and yet he feels separated from himself. For once in his life he doesn't know how to save someone and most of all he doesn't know how to save himself. "I'm sorry Kath, I'm so sorry and now I'm reduced to telling you this when you can't hear me, and whether you pull through or not, I can never tell you. I want to tell you. I want to tell you so much, but I just can't see how, just wake up tell me you love me, give me one last chance Kath, we can make it okay again, I promise you that one thing." He brushes away the tears as he hears Ric enter the room behind him, not wanting anyone to know his pain, hear his anguish. "How is she doing?" Ric asks, pulling the notes up and flicking through them with a deep look of concentration. "Oh Ric... I don't know, she's just so helpless. It's hard to be on the other end of things." "I know. I really do know, just hang in there, she's going to be okay, I just know it." Ric smiles gently at him, patting him on the shoulder, and leaves the room after staring at Kath fighting for her life before his very eyes. He knows that it's hard to be on the other end, he's had it before with Leo, but if you love that person enough then you will stay by them and will them to get better. He sits in the corridor looking up at the ceiling, just hoping for Kath to be okay, for unspoken words to be finally said. He isn't sure if Kath will get better, this time, but he can't stand to think of it any other way, if Kath doesn't make it through nothing will ever be the same. For anyone in Holby. Ric looks around the corridor as Diane sits herself beside him, fiddling with his collar playfully. "It will be okay you know, she's a fighter, she's not going to let him ruin her life again." She says looking deep into his compassionate brown eyes, sensing his sadness. She strokes his arm in soothing silence as he places his head in her neck and allows the tears to escape at last, breaking free from the imprisonment of his dark eyes. "Did anyone find him?" He asks, lifting his head up to be level with hers. He wants more than anything just to break free and find Simon, to make him pay for everything he has ever done to Kath, and yet he knows it's never the answer. He wipes the tears from his eyes and places his hand onto hers rubbing it gently. "No, but they will. they will because. because." she chokes on her words, unable to finish her sentence, life is different without Kath and as much as they seemed not to get on, Kath is a friend of hers, and it hurts. He wraps his arms soothingly around her and kisses the top of her head breathing in the sweet smell of her hair, just the same as it has always been. "Shhhh," he says, rocking her gently in his arms "it's going to be okay, she'll pull through, I know Kath she will pull through." She pulls away from him and nods gently as he puts his arm around her and leads her off down the corridor towards theatre. Just as they reach the end of the corridor you hear her joyful giggling and the sound of his voice. ~*~ Zubin strokes Kath's face gently, the tears rolling gently down his face. "I'm sorry Kath, I really am." He whispers, "Give me one last chance" He gets up and walks out of the room, the door slamming loudly behind him. Kath's eyes flicker open and she looks sadly towards the door. In one sense she just wants to call him back and tell him she's sorry too, but another part of her tells her she doesn't want too, she's been hurt too much already. She had wanted to wake up beside him, for him to tell her he loved her but now he has it doesn't sound the same, she forgives him and yet she is now too afraid to love again. "I'm sorry Zubin, I love you." She whispers in the lonely room. The tears slip from her dark eyes but she gently sweeps them away in one swift wipe, she knows its over for them, she's just too afraid, too afraid to trust him, too afraid to love him. She sits alone and battles silently with her emotions; fear seems much stronger than love, much stronger than any love ever can be. Outside Zubin sits lonely on the chair in the corridor, running his hands along his head, only her on his mind. He loves her and she is second to none to him, and yet he feels he can never feel the same again, not after what she called him. Maybe it had been out of impulse and a mistake, and he isn't one to hold grudges, but it had hurt him. He has never been one to give in to hurt, or show emotions but now he feels that nothing can help him get over it, she had said it as if she believed it was him and now, now he has come back and hurt her himself. She doesn't need the pain of him added to the pain Simon has inflicted upon him, she's better without him, or that's what he tries to convince himself. ~*~ Ed and Tom stand in theatre with deep concentration on their faces, Tom looks up at Ed with a slight smile and pulls out his hand. "Retractor" Ed pulls it out and places it in Tom's blood covered, gloved hands. "So, what's this extremely sudden happy mood about?" Tom asks while moving the heart around with his index finger. "Is it not a good thing for me to be happy?" Ed laughs, just amused at his own answer and Tom's amazement of him being happy. Chrissie is in his past, not forgotten or replaced, just a happy distant memory while he has much more going on in his life, so much he has always dreamed of. "And anyways, I didn't see it in my contract anywhere that I couldn't have some private enjoyment of life." "Of course not. I.err... just thought that. err. in the circumstances at the moment that you wouldn't be so, happy." Tom comments while stitching up the patient's tear. He can't quite understand how Ed can go from complete depression to almost bliss within a few hours; he seems almost like a different person. "If you are referring to.erm. Chrissie then its okay, it's all over now Tom." Tom nods gently at Ed's reply, glad that Ed had actually touched on the subject, not he, himself. As much as he had never liked beating about the bush, Ed's feelings meant somewhat something to him. Tom finishes up with the patient before uttering another word to Ed; the conversation had had such an abrupt feel to it, that it seemed best to remain silent. Tom noticed that twinkle back in Ed's eyes that had been there in those times with Chrissie, this time though, whoever she is, he hopes she doesn't hurt Ed. "So, who is she?" Tom asks as he leaves surgery, he doesn't want to leave it much longer, he isn't one to gossip, or try and get it, and yet he feels the urge to ask him. "Erm. Jess." He mumbles, not looking Tom directly in the eye. "Ah yes, I saw you two at the party, seems that you did indeed seem to get on well together" Tom says, as he enters his office, leaving Ed going off down the corridor still, towards the wards. ~*~ Anita sits with a patient in her office, tapping her pen lightly on the book she holds in her hand. She doesn't know that she can deal with the patient, not with all that's going on at the moment and yet she tells her self that she can't let her personal life get in the way of work. "So you were considering abortion?" She asks, deciding to just get straight to the point. "Don't tell me, they have sent you to try and change my mind?" The patient says, tears' forming in her frightened eyes as Anita shakes her head gently. "Not at all, they sent me to try and find out if that's what you want." Anita explains, looking deeply into her eyes, knowing all the pain she is feeling inside, "so, do you?" "I don't know what I want right now; I just want it all over" "Well, maybe you should try thinking about it" Anita suggests, thinking about it, something that doesn't help and she knows it, the amount of times she's thought about it, and her feelings never changes, frankly, she just doesn't want it. The patient looks deep into Anita's eyes and she knows that she isn't fooling anyone that it's a miracle cure, if she wasn't with Tom then she would probably run away and do it at any given chance, but she doesn't. She stays strong and together, just the same as always. ~*~ Ric walks into Kath's wardroom and almost jumps backwards when he sees her sitting up and looking out of the window and the miserable day beyond. "Kath! Your awake, why didn't anyone tell me?" He asks sitting beside her and flicking through her chart once again, "How are you feeling?" "Ric, I'm fine honestly." She couldn't get out any more if she wanted to, the tears burn her eyes and a lump in her throat grows increasingly large and yet all she longs for is Zubin by her side. "I don't want to make a fuss." "Just make sure you ask if you need anything." He smiles and leans over her bed looking her straight in the eye, "has Zubin been in to see you yet?" "He was in earlier yes, but." She whispers as the tears begin to tumble from her eyes and flow down her tear stained cheeks. He places his hand on her shoulder, stroking it gently with his thumb and she suppresses a gentle smile. "Honestly Kath, you need to talk to him, he's not in a good way." "If you see him, just tell him I'm awake. I'm sure you have other patients to be attending to." She says taking his hand and placing it onto his knee before taking hers back to her side. "Forget about the other patients Kath and just talk to me" He pleads, a deepened note of sympathy in his voice. "Ric, I'm fine. just go!" She whispers dismissively and with that he feels no need to stay, no matter how much Kath is hurting, it's Simon who did it to her, and so she won't admit to it. He nods and leaves the room, shutting it firmly behind him, and it's at this moment that she allows the tears to leave her eyes properly as she gazes out the window and the rain begins to fall. ~*~ Zubin walks through Keller ward and sighs, sitting down in Ric's office, fighting back long awaited tears. It's not the same without them. Never will it be the same if Kath doesn't return. He looks out onto the ward with, what he deeply hopes is, a confident smile still holding back the tears ripping him apart. No matter what he does, no matter how much he tries to deny it to himself, he loves her and it keeps repeating in his mind. He shakes his head, she hasn't forgiven him, he hasn't forgiven him and that's the way he would like it to stay, no tears, no regret and most certainly no pain. And yet he know, on his part for certain, tears will be shed, regret will build up inside and the pain will be un-bearable, but it's too late to go back on it now.too late. He gets up and wanders around the ward, as busy as it is he can still pick her out from all other patients, she has this glow about her that seems to light up the room, light up his life. Even on the darkest day he knows she will never fail to see him into light and yet he still tells himself that it's over. So many times he has suffered heartbreak in his life, but it has never been to this extent, where she sits just before him, just out of reach and he won't do anything about it. He could march right in there, kneel beside her bed and beg her to take him back, explain it all, but pride holds him back, pride ruins his every chance. "Are you okay?" Diane asks, standing beside him and putting her hand gently on his shoulder. "Kath is fighting for her life in there without me but yeah I'm fine, in fact I was about to go for a drink and celebrate!" Zubin says sarcastically, the pain inside his heart growing ever more intense. "I'm sorry." She whispers, lowering her eyes towards the ground, in Zubin's one time of need she can think of nothing to say to him, nothing that will make things any easier. She strokes his shoulder gently but he pulls himself away and smiles weakly. "You know, I don't think a drink would be a very bad idea after all." He says suggestively, just wanting to drown his sorrows in the only way he knows, and yet he doesn't want to go it alone, it's just not something he's used to. "Zubin... I don't think we should..." She laughs gently rubbing his shoulder. "Please Diane, I could do with some company." He pleads, smiling innocently at her.
"Okay, I'll meet you after work" She says with deep compassion, "just sort things out with Kath, yeah?" She smiles and walks off leaving Zubin sitting alone in the office the tears burning in his eyes, threatening to fall and never to stop. He isn't sure what is to become of him and Kath but deep inside he knows it can never work again, and its not that either don't want to make it work. its just they feel they can't.
~*~
Kath looks gently up at him as he enters the room and her heart begins to fall into pieces once again, she can't even handle looking at him and yet she knows she has to remain the same as always, cool and collected, if only it were that simple.
"Kath." He says, his face creasing into a weak smile.
"Zubin. just." She whispers with deep sorrow in her voice, she wants to tell him to leave and yet its not what she truly wants and she doesn't want to let him go.
"Kath will you just listen to me, I just came to tell you that it's. its over." He says, the tears beginning to form in his eyes, just finally admitting to himself that its truly over. The words don't sink in, she had been hoping that he would want her back, that she would be allowed just one more chance, and yet she knows its over, just like he said. Good things never last, and she knows its true, no matter what she has done in her life and whatever good things have come from it, she has lost the few good things she has ever had. and it hurts her.
He walks backwards towards the door, managing to keep the tears concealed if only for a few moments.
"I'm sorry." He whispers before turning around and going out into the corridor. Once outside the tears that were once held back can no longer be confined and begin to fall in un-broken torrents of anguish.
As much as it had seemed the right thing to do, it wasn't, never had he wanted to utter those two words, for him it would never be over. He places his head in his hands and allows the tears to run free, to be able to finally show his emotions and get everything out helps.
Everything happens in an instant that he doesn't have time to reflect, one moment he is sitting crying, full of guilt and upset and the next moment he is on his feet watching nurses and surgeons running into the ward room at the sound of Kath's heart monitor failing. Everything is blurred, it all seems unreal, like it isn't really happening until he turns around and watches them resuscitating her, its then that it sinks in that she could be dying without ever knowing how he really feels.
"Kath!" He shouts, his voice almost failing him due to the lump growing slowly in his throat.
The weight begins to lift away from his shoulders as he the beeping begins to slow and the surgeons begin to scatter around and go back onto the ward. He sighs deeply and props himself up against a wall as Diane walks around the corner, Ric in tow.
"Zubin, about tonight, do you think it's really a good idea?" she asks, placing her hand tenderly on his arm.
"Honestly, its fine, I think now I might need it more than ever, please Diane." He pleads, gently smiling at her while wiping away the tears scattered around his face. Diane nods and turns around to see Ric disappearing off into his office.
"I better go. see you tonight, okay?" She says and heads off after Ric.
~*~
Anita leans over the edge, the wind sweeping her hair backwards, blowing it outwards in a wave of black satin. She takes one hand slowly off the railing and balances herself; breathing in deeply what she hopes is her last few breaths.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," He says slowly approaching her, she jumps almost letting go and yet she grips onto the railing with all of her might and hauls herself up straight.
"And why not?" She asks tenderly, "what have I honestly got to live for Tom? You know me better than anyone and not even you know how I feel!"
"Why not? Because I love you Anita, isn't that worth fighting for?"
"Just leave me Tom, nothing can save me this time." She sobs, her grip loosening on the railing as he takes a step towards her. "Please stay back. just please."
He takes a retreating step backwards and looks towards her with a compassionate smile, he loves her and so he has to save her, no matter what. He doesn't know what has led her to do it and yet he is sure he can get her through it, come what may.
"Tell me one thing Anita, if you were really going to do it why did you grab hold when I scared you, why didn't you just let go then?" He asks, a slight hint of anger in his voice as he watches her bending forward on the edge against the orange horizon.
She looks towards the ground below, way below, and shakes her head not sure why, as much as she knows the mind, knows the emotions she has never known her own. Its like she's different from all others, running on a different programme or playing to a different tune.
"I'll tell you why, because you didn't want to die, you wanted to listen to what I had to say, you wanted me to love you. I do love you, just come down here, please, I couldn't make it without you, you know that? You know me better than anyone." He says, the tears choking his words as he sits down facing the building so he doesn't have to watch her, her every move hurting him.
He feels a hand settle itself on his shoulder and he looks up into her large blue eyes, filled with hurt and worry.
"And you know me better than anyone else." She whispers as they draw closer together and kiss gently, everything around them forgotten, all they see is each other.
~*~
"So, going for a drink with Zubin is no big deal? I don't know about you Diane but that's always counted as one in my books!" He said, his voice thundering through the office, the pain filling his large chocolate eyes.
"Ric, its nothing okay, Zubin's your friend and you weren't there for him, he needs someone around!" She shouts, getting caught in the heat of the moment, nothing rational seems to enter her mind anymore, just anger.
"I thought our relationship meant more to you than that." He says, his voice calming slightly as he sits down into the chair and looks at her with deep sorrow.
"It did" She whispers softly, "I mean it does... it's just a drink Ric, he needs someone and he came to me, I'm beginning to think this is something about your ego problems. Do you think Zubin has no one else to go to but you? Because if you do you have some very serious possessive problems!" She shouts, the door slamming behind her as she leaves the room. He places his head in his hands and runs his hands backwards, his mind racing with millions of thoughts.
~*~
Jess takes Ed's arm and grins at him cheekily pulling him out of AAU with her, the happiness shining in her large eyes.
"From now on its.erm. a new start." He says grinning back at her. She's all he's ever wanted and its perfect, no one can stop them from being together, no one, not even them.
"It's a new start," She repeats, as they climb into Ed's car and drive off into the chilling night laughing and joking all the way.
~*~
Zubin takes the glass from the side and knocks back the last of its contents as Diane twirls her glass around between her fingers.
"You know, I didn't even mean what I said to her. I guess I just said it." He says leaning closer to her, his hot breath against her neck making her retreat backwards a little. She knows he's had too much to drink and yet she can't understand him telling her all that he is, she's had rather too much but still she isn't opening up. "Diane, just thank you for listening."
"We better be going Zubin, its getting late and I'm sure you'd rather be at home in bed than in here drinking. Drinking doesn't solve anything it just makes it worse when you wake up in the morning with a hang over." She smiles and helps him up and across the bar.
Inside the taxi Zubin lowers his head holding back the tears, she's right, it doesn't help the pain, it amplifies it if anything. Diane rubs his shoulder gently and continues to give him an encouraging smile; she knows just what he's going through. She's been through it all before with Ric, the time when you've ended something and yet you didn't really mean to. Just thinking of Ric she realises she has been stupid, she didn't mean the things she says and she will have to talk to him when she gets home, there is nothing she can do right now.
"Zubin, she's going to be fine, you know that. You can never turn the clocks back and change the past, but you can always change the future, we all can. There are roads in life we have to take and whatever kind of state of confusion we are in, we have to choose one."
The taxi pulls up outside Zubin's house and he turns towards Diane, stroking her hand gently with his thumb.
"I guess this is goodnight." He says, smiling back at her finally. He leans closer not quite sure what he is doing and their lips meet tenderly. Shock fills her instantly and yet she does nothing to prevent it, she knows its wrong and yet it feels different, she doesn't care about anything else except that moment, nothing else. Zubin pulls away and slips across the seat, blushing furiously and closes the taxi door behind him leaving Diane to fall back into the seat, confused thoughts rushing through her mind. She's in an utter state of confusion and yet straight away the guilt fills her, she's made a mistake just like before but this time she isn't going to run.
"That's all I ask." He smile and looks over at the clock that rests behind her on the bedside table "Five o' clock in the morning, is that it?" He comments as he falls back down on the pillow and closes his eyes, pulling her close to him for warmth. ~*~ Jess stands in AAU, staring blankly at the wall before her, she can't get it off her mind that in nine months from now she will be a mother, truly a mother. At first the idea had shocked her, but once the initial shock was over, she felt completely blessed in life, just like she would have done with Alex's baby, if she had ever gotten over the shock. She is glad that she has another chance to be blessed with the miracle of a baby, the miracle of another person growing inside of her. She is still in a complete state of confusion over it though, about how she managed to fall pregnant with Ed's child, about how she can feel so happy about it. But the thing that matters most to her is that she does feel happy about it, she does want it and she isn't afraid any more. "Jess, are you going to go and see Mr. Calvin or not?" Lisa asks, cutting through her thoughts. "Who? Oh... erm... yeah. hang on." Lisa shoots her a suspicious look and goes off to see some patients. Jess smiles with a dreamy look upon her face and heads off towards the patient, her eyes sparkling with the enjoyment of life. She stops before a middle-aged man and smiles. "Mr. Calvin am I right?" ~*~ Zubin leans over her bed and strokes the hair out of her chalk white face gently, tears trickling silently from his caring eyes. He doesn't want to loose her, and yet he's afraid to tell her he's sorry, afraid to admit the truth to her just incase she won't say it back. "Kath, just wake up, you can't leave me here. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, I can't tell you, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it. It doesn't mean you're not the only one I think of in the morning, and it doesn't mean I don't love you. If only you could wake up, I would love to tell you..." He sighs and looks around him, the heart monitor whirring comfortingly in the background and yet he feels separated from himself. For once in his life he doesn't know how to save someone and most of all he doesn't know how to save himself. "I'm sorry Kath, I'm so sorry and now I'm reduced to telling you this when you can't hear me, and whether you pull through or not, I can never tell you. I want to tell you. I want to tell you so much, but I just can't see how, just wake up tell me you love me, give me one last chance Kath, we can make it okay again, I promise you that one thing." He brushes away the tears as he hears Ric enter the room behind him, not wanting anyone to know his pain, hear his anguish. "How is she doing?" Ric asks, pulling the notes up and flicking through them with a deep look of concentration. "Oh Ric... I don't know, she's just so helpless. It's hard to be on the other end of things." "I know. I really do know, just hang in there, she's going to be okay, I just know it." Ric smiles gently at him, patting him on the shoulder, and leaves the room after staring at Kath fighting for her life before his very eyes. He knows that it's hard to be on the other end, he's had it before with Leo, but if you love that person enough then you will stay by them and will them to get better. He sits in the corridor looking up at the ceiling, just hoping for Kath to be okay, for unspoken words to be finally said. He isn't sure if Kath will get better, this time, but he can't stand to think of it any other way, if Kath doesn't make it through nothing will ever be the same. For anyone in Holby. Ric looks around the corridor as Diane sits herself beside him, fiddling with his collar playfully. "It will be okay you know, she's a fighter, she's not going to let him ruin her life again." She says looking deep into his compassionate brown eyes, sensing his sadness. She strokes his arm in soothing silence as he places his head in her neck and allows the tears to escape at last, breaking free from the imprisonment of his dark eyes. "Did anyone find him?" He asks, lifting his head up to be level with hers. He wants more than anything just to break free and find Simon, to make him pay for everything he has ever done to Kath, and yet he knows it's never the answer. He wipes the tears from his eyes and places his hand onto hers rubbing it gently. "No, but they will. they will because. because." she chokes on her words, unable to finish her sentence, life is different without Kath and as much as they seemed not to get on, Kath is a friend of hers, and it hurts. He wraps his arms soothingly around her and kisses the top of her head breathing in the sweet smell of her hair, just the same as it has always been. "Shhhh," he says, rocking her gently in his arms "it's going to be okay, she'll pull through, I know Kath she will pull through." She pulls away from him and nods gently as he puts his arm around her and leads her off down the corridor towards theatre. Just as they reach the end of the corridor you hear her joyful giggling and the sound of his voice. ~*~ Zubin strokes Kath's face gently, the tears rolling gently down his face. "I'm sorry Kath, I really am." He whispers, "Give me one last chance" He gets up and walks out of the room, the door slamming loudly behind him. Kath's eyes flicker open and she looks sadly towards the door. In one sense she just wants to call him back and tell him she's sorry too, but another part of her tells her she doesn't want too, she's been hurt too much already. She had wanted to wake up beside him, for him to tell her he loved her but now he has it doesn't sound the same, she forgives him and yet she is now too afraid to love again. "I'm sorry Zubin, I love you." She whispers in the lonely room. The tears slip from her dark eyes but she gently sweeps them away in one swift wipe, she knows its over for them, she's just too afraid, too afraid to trust him, too afraid to love him. She sits alone and battles silently with her emotions; fear seems much stronger than love, much stronger than any love ever can be. Outside Zubin sits lonely on the chair in the corridor, running his hands along his head, only her on his mind. He loves her and she is second to none to him, and yet he feels he can never feel the same again, not after what she called him. Maybe it had been out of impulse and a mistake, and he isn't one to hold grudges, but it had hurt him. He has never been one to give in to hurt, or show emotions but now he feels that nothing can help him get over it, she had said it as if she believed it was him and now, now he has come back and hurt her himself. She doesn't need the pain of him added to the pain Simon has inflicted upon him, she's better without him, or that's what he tries to convince himself. ~*~ Ed and Tom stand in theatre with deep concentration on their faces, Tom looks up at Ed with a slight smile and pulls out his hand. "Retractor" Ed pulls it out and places it in Tom's blood covered, gloved hands. "So, what's this extremely sudden happy mood about?" Tom asks while moving the heart around with his index finger. "Is it not a good thing for me to be happy?" Ed laughs, just amused at his own answer and Tom's amazement of him being happy. Chrissie is in his past, not forgotten or replaced, just a happy distant memory while he has much more going on in his life, so much he has always dreamed of. "And anyways, I didn't see it in my contract anywhere that I couldn't have some private enjoyment of life." "Of course not. I.err... just thought that. err. in the circumstances at the moment that you wouldn't be so, happy." Tom comments while stitching up the patient's tear. He can't quite understand how Ed can go from complete depression to almost bliss within a few hours; he seems almost like a different person. "If you are referring to.erm. Chrissie then its okay, it's all over now Tom." Tom nods gently at Ed's reply, glad that Ed had actually touched on the subject, not he, himself. As much as he had never liked beating about the bush, Ed's feelings meant somewhat something to him. Tom finishes up with the patient before uttering another word to Ed; the conversation had had such an abrupt feel to it, that it seemed best to remain silent. Tom noticed that twinkle back in Ed's eyes that had been there in those times with Chrissie, this time though, whoever she is, he hopes she doesn't hurt Ed. "So, who is she?" Tom asks as he leaves surgery, he doesn't want to leave it much longer, he isn't one to gossip, or try and get it, and yet he feels the urge to ask him. "Erm. Jess." He mumbles, not looking Tom directly in the eye. "Ah yes, I saw you two at the party, seems that you did indeed seem to get on well together" Tom says, as he enters his office, leaving Ed going off down the corridor still, towards the wards. ~*~ Anita sits with a patient in her office, tapping her pen lightly on the book she holds in her hand. She doesn't know that she can deal with the patient, not with all that's going on at the moment and yet she tells her self that she can't let her personal life get in the way of work. "So you were considering abortion?" She asks, deciding to just get straight to the point. "Don't tell me, they have sent you to try and change my mind?" The patient says, tears' forming in her frightened eyes as Anita shakes her head gently. "Not at all, they sent me to try and find out if that's what you want." Anita explains, looking deeply into her eyes, knowing all the pain she is feeling inside, "so, do you?" "I don't know what I want right now; I just want it all over" "Well, maybe you should try thinking about it" Anita suggests, thinking about it, something that doesn't help and she knows it, the amount of times she's thought about it, and her feelings never changes, frankly, she just doesn't want it. The patient looks deep into Anita's eyes and she knows that she isn't fooling anyone that it's a miracle cure, if she wasn't with Tom then she would probably run away and do it at any given chance, but she doesn't. She stays strong and together, just the same as always. ~*~ Ric walks into Kath's wardroom and almost jumps backwards when he sees her sitting up and looking out of the window and the miserable day beyond. "Kath! Your awake, why didn't anyone tell me?" He asks sitting beside her and flicking through her chart once again, "How are you feeling?" "Ric, I'm fine honestly." She couldn't get out any more if she wanted to, the tears burn her eyes and a lump in her throat grows increasingly large and yet all she longs for is Zubin by her side. "I don't want to make a fuss." "Just make sure you ask if you need anything." He smiles and leans over her bed looking her straight in the eye, "has Zubin been in to see you yet?" "He was in earlier yes, but." She whispers as the tears begin to tumble from her eyes and flow down her tear stained cheeks. He places his hand on her shoulder, stroking it gently with his thumb and she suppresses a gentle smile. "Honestly Kath, you need to talk to him, he's not in a good way." "If you see him, just tell him I'm awake. I'm sure you have other patients to be attending to." She says taking his hand and placing it onto his knee before taking hers back to her side. "Forget about the other patients Kath and just talk to me" He pleads, a deepened note of sympathy in his voice. "Ric, I'm fine. just go!" She whispers dismissively and with that he feels no need to stay, no matter how much Kath is hurting, it's Simon who did it to her, and so she won't admit to it. He nods and leaves the room, shutting it firmly behind him, and it's at this moment that she allows the tears to leave her eyes properly as she gazes out the window and the rain begins to fall. ~*~ Zubin walks through Keller ward and sighs, sitting down in Ric's office, fighting back long awaited tears. It's not the same without them. Never will it be the same if Kath doesn't return. He looks out onto the ward with, what he deeply hopes is, a confident smile still holding back the tears ripping him apart. No matter what he does, no matter how much he tries to deny it to himself, he loves her and it keeps repeating in his mind. He shakes his head, she hasn't forgiven him, he hasn't forgiven him and that's the way he would like it to stay, no tears, no regret and most certainly no pain. And yet he know, on his part for certain, tears will be shed, regret will build up inside and the pain will be un-bearable, but it's too late to go back on it now.too late. He gets up and wanders around the ward, as busy as it is he can still pick her out from all other patients, she has this glow about her that seems to light up the room, light up his life. Even on the darkest day he knows she will never fail to see him into light and yet he still tells himself that it's over. So many times he has suffered heartbreak in his life, but it has never been to this extent, where she sits just before him, just out of reach and he won't do anything about it. He could march right in there, kneel beside her bed and beg her to take him back, explain it all, but pride holds him back, pride ruins his every chance. "Are you okay?" Diane asks, standing beside him and putting her hand gently on his shoulder. "Kath is fighting for her life in there without me but yeah I'm fine, in fact I was about to go for a drink and celebrate!" Zubin says sarcastically, the pain inside his heart growing ever more intense. "I'm sorry." She whispers, lowering her eyes towards the ground, in Zubin's one time of need she can think of nothing to say to him, nothing that will make things any easier. She strokes his shoulder gently but he pulls himself away and smiles weakly. "You know, I don't think a drink would be a very bad idea after all." He says suggestively, just wanting to drown his sorrows in the only way he knows, and yet he doesn't want to go it alone, it's just not something he's used to. "Zubin... I don't think we should..." She laughs gently rubbing his shoulder. "Please Diane, I could do with some company." He pleads, smiling innocently at her.
"Okay, I'll meet you after work" She says with deep compassion, "just sort things out with Kath, yeah?" She smiles and walks off leaving Zubin sitting alone in the office the tears burning in his eyes, threatening to fall and never to stop. He isn't sure what is to become of him and Kath but deep inside he knows it can never work again, and its not that either don't want to make it work. its just they feel they can't.
~*~
Kath looks gently up at him as he enters the room and her heart begins to fall into pieces once again, she can't even handle looking at him and yet she knows she has to remain the same as always, cool and collected, if only it were that simple.
"Kath." He says, his face creasing into a weak smile.
"Zubin. just." She whispers with deep sorrow in her voice, she wants to tell him to leave and yet its not what she truly wants and she doesn't want to let him go.
"Kath will you just listen to me, I just came to tell you that it's. its over." He says, the tears beginning to form in his eyes, just finally admitting to himself that its truly over. The words don't sink in, she had been hoping that he would want her back, that she would be allowed just one more chance, and yet she knows its over, just like he said. Good things never last, and she knows its true, no matter what she has done in her life and whatever good things have come from it, she has lost the few good things she has ever had. and it hurts her.
He walks backwards towards the door, managing to keep the tears concealed if only for a few moments.
"I'm sorry." He whispers before turning around and going out into the corridor. Once outside the tears that were once held back can no longer be confined and begin to fall in un-broken torrents of anguish.
As much as it had seemed the right thing to do, it wasn't, never had he wanted to utter those two words, for him it would never be over. He places his head in his hands and allows the tears to run free, to be able to finally show his emotions and get everything out helps.
Everything happens in an instant that he doesn't have time to reflect, one moment he is sitting crying, full of guilt and upset and the next moment he is on his feet watching nurses and surgeons running into the ward room at the sound of Kath's heart monitor failing. Everything is blurred, it all seems unreal, like it isn't really happening until he turns around and watches them resuscitating her, its then that it sinks in that she could be dying without ever knowing how he really feels.
"Kath!" He shouts, his voice almost failing him due to the lump growing slowly in his throat.
The weight begins to lift away from his shoulders as he the beeping begins to slow and the surgeons begin to scatter around and go back onto the ward. He sighs deeply and props himself up against a wall as Diane walks around the corner, Ric in tow.
"Zubin, about tonight, do you think it's really a good idea?" she asks, placing her hand tenderly on his arm.
"Honestly, its fine, I think now I might need it more than ever, please Diane." He pleads, gently smiling at her while wiping away the tears scattered around his face. Diane nods and turns around to see Ric disappearing off into his office.
"I better go. see you tonight, okay?" She says and heads off after Ric.
~*~
Anita leans over the edge, the wind sweeping her hair backwards, blowing it outwards in a wave of black satin. She takes one hand slowly off the railing and balances herself; breathing in deeply what she hopes is her last few breaths.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you," He says slowly approaching her, she jumps almost letting go and yet she grips onto the railing with all of her might and hauls herself up straight.
"And why not?" She asks tenderly, "what have I honestly got to live for Tom? You know me better than anyone and not even you know how I feel!"
"Why not? Because I love you Anita, isn't that worth fighting for?"
"Just leave me Tom, nothing can save me this time." She sobs, her grip loosening on the railing as he takes a step towards her. "Please stay back. just please."
He takes a retreating step backwards and looks towards her with a compassionate smile, he loves her and so he has to save her, no matter what. He doesn't know what has led her to do it and yet he is sure he can get her through it, come what may.
"Tell me one thing Anita, if you were really going to do it why did you grab hold when I scared you, why didn't you just let go then?" He asks, a slight hint of anger in his voice as he watches her bending forward on the edge against the orange horizon.
She looks towards the ground below, way below, and shakes her head not sure why, as much as she knows the mind, knows the emotions she has never known her own. Its like she's different from all others, running on a different programme or playing to a different tune.
"I'll tell you why, because you didn't want to die, you wanted to listen to what I had to say, you wanted me to love you. I do love you, just come down here, please, I couldn't make it without you, you know that? You know me better than anyone." He says, the tears choking his words as he sits down facing the building so he doesn't have to watch her, her every move hurting him.
He feels a hand settle itself on his shoulder and he looks up into her large blue eyes, filled with hurt and worry.
"And you know me better than anyone else." She whispers as they draw closer together and kiss gently, everything around them forgotten, all they see is each other.
~*~
"So, going for a drink with Zubin is no big deal? I don't know about you Diane but that's always counted as one in my books!" He said, his voice thundering through the office, the pain filling his large chocolate eyes.
"Ric, its nothing okay, Zubin's your friend and you weren't there for him, he needs someone around!" She shouts, getting caught in the heat of the moment, nothing rational seems to enter her mind anymore, just anger.
"I thought our relationship meant more to you than that." He says, his voice calming slightly as he sits down into the chair and looks at her with deep sorrow.
"It did" She whispers softly, "I mean it does... it's just a drink Ric, he needs someone and he came to me, I'm beginning to think this is something about your ego problems. Do you think Zubin has no one else to go to but you? Because if you do you have some very serious possessive problems!" She shouts, the door slamming behind her as she leaves the room. He places his head in his hands and runs his hands backwards, his mind racing with millions of thoughts.
~*~
Jess takes Ed's arm and grins at him cheekily pulling him out of AAU with her, the happiness shining in her large eyes.
"From now on its.erm. a new start." He says grinning back at her. She's all he's ever wanted and its perfect, no one can stop them from being together, no one, not even them.
"It's a new start," She repeats, as they climb into Ed's car and drive off into the chilling night laughing and joking all the way.
~*~
Zubin takes the glass from the side and knocks back the last of its contents as Diane twirls her glass around between her fingers.
"You know, I didn't even mean what I said to her. I guess I just said it." He says leaning closer to her, his hot breath against her neck making her retreat backwards a little. She knows he's had too much to drink and yet she can't understand him telling her all that he is, she's had rather too much but still she isn't opening up. "Diane, just thank you for listening."
"We better be going Zubin, its getting late and I'm sure you'd rather be at home in bed than in here drinking. Drinking doesn't solve anything it just makes it worse when you wake up in the morning with a hang over." She smiles and helps him up and across the bar.
Inside the taxi Zubin lowers his head holding back the tears, she's right, it doesn't help the pain, it amplifies it if anything. Diane rubs his shoulder gently and continues to give him an encouraging smile; she knows just what he's going through. She's been through it all before with Ric, the time when you've ended something and yet you didn't really mean to. Just thinking of Ric she realises she has been stupid, she didn't mean the things she says and she will have to talk to him when she gets home, there is nothing she can do right now.
"Zubin, she's going to be fine, you know that. You can never turn the clocks back and change the past, but you can always change the future, we all can. There are roads in life we have to take and whatever kind of state of confusion we are in, we have to choose one."
The taxi pulls up outside Zubin's house and he turns towards Diane, stroking her hand gently with his thumb.
"I guess this is goodnight." He says, smiling back at her finally. He leans closer not quite sure what he is doing and their lips meet tenderly. Shock fills her instantly and yet she does nothing to prevent it, she knows its wrong and yet it feels different, she doesn't care about anything else except that moment, nothing else. Zubin pulls away and slips across the seat, blushing furiously and closes the taxi door behind him leaving Diane to fall back into the seat, confused thoughts rushing through her mind. She's in an utter state of confusion and yet straight away the guilt fills her, she's made a mistake just like before but this time she isn't going to run.
