Part 4, Forever in my heart.

Diane looks over at the other side of the bed and for a split second it seems like it has always been, like she is alone and the memories of the night before come flooding back. She rolls over and stares at the clock, her head throbbing gently, after a re-take at the clock she notices the time. She sits up almost instantly and places her hand to her head, groaning slightly and heaves herself into the bathroom. Instantly she sees him standing there in the bathroom, cleaning his teeth, he turns around to face her with a soothing smile. He leans forward and places a kiss tenderly on her cheek. Guilt surges through her like nothing before, rising from the pit of her stomach but she brushes it aside, it was a drunken mistake, just a kiss, its not like he has never made them.

"Morning," He says slipping his arms around her waist, "did you have a good time last night, I didn't get much out of you."

She inclines her head slowly as the tears begin to fall from her widened eyes, she hadn't meant to do what she did, never, but she feels that it cant work, not without honesty. She doesn't want to have to tell him and a deep urge inside of her tells her to run, break free of all the lies but every time she does she misses him, more than she can ever say. She pulls away from her grip and goes back to sit on the bed, the only escape she can bring herself to make without telling him anything. She wants to tell him everything. Deep inside she doesn't want to hurt him, and if she told him she knows that it would hurt him, whether he brought himself to admit it or not. She would see the hurt in his eyes, see the disappointment residing there and she would know she had failed him again, she cant bring herself to do that again, however selfish it is.

"Diane, what is it?" He asks, emerging through the door, "You know you can tell me, whatever it is."

"Ric, its nothing." She lies, looking down at the floor once again.

"If it were nothing you wouldn't be so down. I can't take it to see you go through this all again, I can't stand to see us go through this all again, surely you feel the same." He says, his voice with a hint of pity and sadness.

"Maybe there shouldn't be an us," She mutters, but as soon as the words have escaped her lips she wants to take them back. She loves him, but things have grown so complicated that she sees no reason to fight any more. "I just can't see it happening some how. I want it too, oh I want it too. but..."

"But nothing, Diane, if you want it to work it can, just because I love you. How will we ever know if it works if we don't give it a go, if we don't put up a strong fight and show them all what we are made of. Maybe I'm not perfect, maybe we aren't and I'm not fooling anyone into believing anyone is, but to me, your perfect and I can't let you slip away from me again." He bends down beside her and takes her hand in his own, looking her straight in the eye. He isn't going to let her go, not again, he can't take the pain once more, it took him so much to get him back and he won't let go.

"I just can't." She whispers, but he puts his finger to her soft lips and says, "There is no such word as can't, it's a matter of if you want to or not, forget about tomorrow, yesterday and any other insignificance, just think about now, where we are today."

He lifts her hand and kisses it gently before standing up and helping her up after him. She still knows she has to tell him, but it doesn't seem the right time, it probably never will be, and maybe in years to come it will just come out, but he is right, nothing matters but the present.

~*~

Anita looks down onto her hand that rests upon her stomach and she quickly pulls it away, she doesn't want to be a mother, she needs to keep reminding herself to prevent impulse. She looks out of the window as the rain hammers down; it doesn't even sound the same to her any more. Nothing is the same.

She feels a tear roll down her cheek, but she is alone, it matters not to her if no one is there, if she has no one to keep a façade on for. So many tears can be shed when she is alone, when she has no one to give an explanation to.

She is afraid, and every time she sees Tom everything brightens up and it seems okay again, but as soon as he leaves the doubts come rushing back. She doesn't want to cry any more, doesn't want a reason to cry and yet she knows its what Tom wants, and all she wants is for everything to be okay.

He tried to convince her that it would be okay, but she couldn't believe him, no matter how much she tried and now everything is switched to instant negativity, and she feels as if something is going to go wrong.

~*~

Jess turns around to face him in bed, her face glowing with happiness and satisfaction. Nothing can get her down, for once everything in her life is going perfect, there is nothing to hold her back and stop her from living her life like she always dreamed as a child.

She smiles just remembering her childish dreams, being in her lovers warm arms for ever, and up until a few weeks ago she had believed it would never happen. So long she had just taken life as a breeze, seen men come and go and never wished to settle down, but it's all different now.

"I love you," He whispers gently as he strokes her hair, "I really do."

"I love you too." She replies, her voice full of admiration, not sure whether to tell him the truth, to tell her exactly what is running through her mind. She decides against it.

"Who would have thought we would have ended up together?" He says, letting his feelings out, it's true, so long ago he wouldn't have even suspected it, but things change, priorities change. people change.

"But I'm glad we are. really glad we are, and it's going to be just fine, just me, you and this baby." She says, placing her hand on her stomach.

He places his hand over hers and rubs it gently, "just the three of us" He says.

~*~

She smiles gently at him as he enters the room, lighting up her life again. He hasn't liked to leave her alone since the roof incident and he kept true to his word that he would never leave her side. He places his arms around her and pulls her close, savouring every moment he can spend with her, glad that she is still with him.

"I don't deserve you." She says, fingering his collar teasingly.

"Anita, every little smile you give me brings me joy, just seeing you walking down that corridor makes me want to hold you in my arms," he says looking her straight in the eyes, her heart begins to summersault just like a child again she feels the tears of joy welling in her eyes but she holds them back. " And every time I think of the three of us together I am filled with excitement, just us forever."

That is it, he had to go and ruin the moment, she had almost forgotten her regrets almost got caught up in the moment and yet the harsh reality hit her with a dignified blow once again. She cant tell him she isn't too sure about the baby, how could she possibly? Never before has she felt so confused, so annoyed and yet so in love, almost confused. And yet deep inside she knows the love for him will overtake all, she has never felt this way before and sure she is afraid, but she does want it to work.

"And you will be forever in my heart, the two of you." She whispers as he grips her hand lovingly.

~*~

Ric turns towards the patient and smiles gently, knowing that nothing can go wrong while Diane is by his side. As much as he knows she had regrets he hopes he has put it behind them, they will make it through, he wont ever let her slip away and by his word he will stand strong.

"So Mr Darling, I think we will be seeing you in theatre in a few hours, keep healthy until then for me." He smiles and him and Diane walk out, large smiles on their faces.

"You never did tell me about last night." He comments while walking down the corridor.

"Nothing much to tell really." She says, its not lying to him from how she sees it, there is nothing to tell him, that kiss meant nothing to either of them.

"As long as you had fun."

"It wasn't much fun without you, I remember that much, I just drunk a little too much I'm afraid. You know what its like sometimes. apart from the fact that I don't get stoned when I'm out." She says, shooting a disappointed look towards Ric before wandering off.

"I love you too!" He shouts after her, laughing slightly and shaking his head. She never did like his smoking, even though it is on rare occasions, and he knows he shouldn't do it. But before, he had no reason not too, the reasons he has not to were the reasons he used to have to do it, her.

He sits down inside his office and looks at the pictures scattered about his desk, pictures of so long ago that they used to be so distant but they have come alive again, pictures of him and Diane. He lifts one up and stares at it, their beaming reflections shining up at him, walking through a field, not a care in the world. It's the same with her now, nothing matters as long as he has her, and he will always have her. At first he had been weary of the night before, she had seemed so distant and suddenly wanted to end it all, sure they had had an argument but he didn't think it was to that extent. As soon as she assured him that all was fine he forgave her and forgot all about it, its like whatever she says has to be true, they say love is blind and maybe it is, but he loves her and she loves him.

~*~

Tom sits beside Anita, and takes her hand once again, looking deep into her large blue eyes.

"I can tell something is wrong Anita, wont you just talk to me for once instead of pretending everything is okay?" He says gently, not sure how to touch on the subject, "I can see it in your eyes constantly, there is something going on in there and I don't know what it is."

She looks down towards the ground and yet she knows she has to tell him, he's sure to understand. It will be a relief to get everything off her chest. "I. err." She falters.

"How can we make this work, its not going to if you keep things from me and this baby." He says, innocently.

"Maybe I don't want there to be a baby Tom, did you ever think about that? Sure, at first I thought it would be okay, but I don't think I'm ready for this. I don't know how it's going to work; can you really see me with a baby? I tried to convince myself it would be okay. I really did." She sighs and looks up at him, knowing that her doubts are finally said and they sound so stupid aloud. A single tear rolls down her cheek, sure that this time she has ruined it forever. He needed her to be strong, and now she has shown him that she can be vulnerable and broken down that wall.

"Why couldn't you tell me Anita, I though you could tell me anything." He says, his heart partly broken, maybe she doesn't love him as much as he thinks she does.

"How could I when you were so happy about it, I couldn't go and do that to you and so I just went on pretending that it would all be okay, its best that way." She whispers.

"You could have told me Anita, you're a psychiatrist for heavens sake, you know how to deal with this kind of thing."

"Not when its yourself, its different you have to actually think about it, and all I could think of was how it would hurt you, because I love you." Just saying the words makes her believe it could be okay again, and yet she knows she must go on and sort it all out, no one else can make decisions for her any more.

"So, what do you want to do, its no use just going on endlessly." He says soothingly rubbing her shoulder.

"I want to keep it, not because you want me too, but because I know it can be okay, I may still have doubts but I will never know if I don't do it." She says smiling. He takes her in his arms and kisses the top of her head gently, knowing that its what she wants.

~*~

Kath watches as the cars go whizzing past down on the road, everyone going on with normal life and somewhere he is out there. Somewhere Simon is wandering around waiting to inflict pain and torture upon someone else's life and there is nothing she can do. Something else plays on her mind, Zubin, as much as she tried to be strong she loves him, and nothing will un- break her heart.

It was short, something she had cherished like nothing ever before and it ended so abruptly, he was ripped from her life because of Simon and the fear he brought to her life. She had never been one for believing in hate, but she hates him, nothing more, nothing less.

The tears begin to fall down her cheeks, but it doesn't matter any more, she has no reason to keep up a brave front, he's gone. Not gone forever, but he will no longer be there when she gets home, she will never feel his tender kisses, his warm touch.

~*~

Zubin looks up at her wardroom from the car park, he longs to be there with her, to hold her in his arms and tell her it will be okay and yet he knows he cant. Last night he made a mistake of kissing Diane, and its true what they say, everyone makes mistakes, but how can he tell her that, how can he get her back? He walks into the building, his heart aching for her and he knows he has to see her, just to make sure she is okay.

As soon as he walks in there tears spring to his eyes but he pushes them aside as he sits on her bed, it's not the time to be crying.

"How are you feeling?" He asks gently, trying to keep a happy face, to convince her it will all be okay, she's better off without him anyways.

"Probably better than I look," she jokes, but inside her heart is breaking, "Zubin, I'm sorry, I'm oh so sorry."

He takes her hand gently and looks towards her, something deep inside of him is telling him not to take her back but his heart tells him he loves her, and that's something no other woman does to him.

"I'm sorry too, but it can't work, can it? You know I want it too, and no other woman holds a candle anywhere near you, or even compares to you but all these mistakes." He says, not even sure that there were many mistakes, just one on each part.

"I guess it couldn't, you do deserve better than this." She whispers, feeling vulnerable again, she can't help but tell him how she feels, despite not wanting too.

"I've told you before, I never wanted better than you, but as much as I love you we both are old enough to know now that it can't work." He says, cursing himself, just when she admits to him that it could work he reverses things again.

He stands up and leaves the room again, he cant stand to sit in there any longer and see those tears, watch them fall and not want to hold her in his arms and tell her he loves her over again.

~*~

Ed walks out of theatre his face gleaming with joy, a wide smile spread over his face and his eyes twinkling. No one has ever seen him so happy; who would have thought it could have turned out this way? He sits down in the café, this time he has to make things work, he loves Jess and Jess loves him. With Chrissie it wasn't the same, the love wasn't there and there was no guaranty the child she carried was his, this time its certain.

Chrissie had meant so much to him, so much he almost risked suicide over it, but thinking back on it now things have never looked so stupid. She's gone, and that's something people must accept over time, everyone must. At first it had seemed as if nothing would ever fit back into place again, and then Jess rang him at his greatest time of need and a warmth started to fill into his heart again.

As he sat and listened to Jess play so many things rushed through his mind, but the grieving inside begun to subside. Then she dropped the bombshell, he knows he could have taken it two ways, the loss of Chrissie could have made him want to block her out but the loss of Chrissie actually brought him to think, and to consider others. Within moments he knew he loved Jess and he held her in his arms and all seemed at peace again, and he knew she would be forever in his heart.

~*~

Zubin approaches Diane attentively and catches her arm, not sure what to say, what to do. He wants to apologise to her, its not something any respectable man would have done but he did it, and he feels guiltier than anyone will ever know.

She turns around with a smile on her face, and immediately her face falls, she had tried to avoid him, as childish as it was she couldn't face him. She looks him straight in the eye, she knows she has to.

"About the other night Diane.. I'm sorry." He says tenderly.

"Me too, it was a mistake. a huge one, and it meant nothing, we were both drunk." She whispers. Instantly he feels something inside of him growing, something he knows is wrong but he is attracted to her, who wouldn't be? He did try to convince himself he didn't have feelings for her, but when he had drink inside him, feelings spilt over and he has an excuse to do things, the truth is, he wasn't sorry at all.

"Then why did it feel so good?" He asks, stroking the side of her face gently.

She pulls away suddenly, hurt and confused as to what is going on, Ric is his best friend and Zubin isn't like that, he's a caring compassionate man. She turns around just as he leaves the ward, and she follows him with her eyes, her heart breaking instantly.

~*~

Tom paces up and down outside the bedroom door, he doesn't know what to say to her, he isn't even sure any more if she really does want the abortion or not. She walks out of the bedroom in a long red dress and he smiles gently.

"You always did look good in red." He comments as he takes her arm.

"Would I wear anything else while with you?" She asks as he leads her downstairs and outside to the awaiting limo.

~*~

Zubin had gone after him as soon as Ric had left the ward, it hadn't been how it looked, maybe it had. He turns to him in the office, lost for what to say.

"I can't believe the pair of you, going at it behind my back, you could have at least done the sensible thing and waited until you were out of where I work." Ric says, his heart breaking apart.

"It wasn't like that Ric, you have to believe me," he says, he knows he has to tell Ric the truth and not sabotage another relationship, "The truth is, I was drunk the other night and I kissed her, it meant nothing but I couldn't help myself, she didn't want too, I know she didn't."

"And how am I meant to believe that Zubin, you're my best friend." He sighs, anger rising inside of him.

"And as your best friend I'm telling you the truth," he says gently the guilt rising inside of him again. "Go and talk to her, she needs you."

~*~

Diane stands on the roof, looking down on the city of Holby as the sun sets over it, the slight breeze blowing her hair backwards.

"How did I know you would be up here?" He asks, stepping out beside her, "Its beautiful isn't it?" He comments, looking at the setting sun.

"Did you really believe I would do that?" She asks.

"That's how it looked Diane.." He says, putting his coat around her shivering shoulders.

"I didn't ask how it looked, I asked what you thought Ric."

"Okay, sure, at first I couldn't believe it, I love you, but then Zubin explained what happened and I knew it was true." He says putting his arm around her.

"I'm sorry." She whispers gently into the cold air.

"No need for an apology Diane, I still love you, and it wasn't your fault."

"I know.but sorry." She says as he wraps his arms completely around her and watches over her head the sun setting.

"It really is a beautiful sunset." He whispers.