Act 1 - TV Asia News?

*Samus, Houston and Ridley are watching the TV in Samus' apartment*

Master Asia: Welcome to TV Asia News, with Master Asia as your
anchorman. And now we will switch to Cooking With
Hardy, so look for me in the audience!

*Samus and Houston look at each other*

S & H: Cooking With Hardy??

Ridley: *points at the TV screen* Look! Hardy's got his own
cooking show!

Samus: I never thought that Keaton would give him one.

Houston: This is gonna be good...

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Hardy: Hi-oh! And we're here to cook with Hardy! That's me, folks.
And today we're going to make a grand turkey dinner!

Audience: Ooooh...

Malfoy: .oO(And I'm going to spoil it for you.)

Hermione: Too bad that Ron couldn't come here.

Harry: His mum wouldn't let him leave the country.

Snape: Be quiet before I start deducting house points...

Majin Buu: *Salivating over Snape* Want fooooooooooooooooooood...

Snape: Would you please sit down and stop slobbering, whoever you
are?

Majin Buu: I'm Majin Buu, you!

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Samus: Is it just me or are half the cameras on the audience?

Houston: Uh...actually those cameras are supposed to be pointing
to Asia.

Samus: Oh.

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Asia: *Prattling about terrorist attacks in Cambodia in
Spanish*

Domon: Master! You're a Spanish news anchor? I thought that you were
Chinese!

Asia: Quiet, Domon! This is a fanfic of utter randomness!

Domon: A what? *Snape grabs Domon by the ear and leads him out of the
audience*

Snape: I am trying to watch this, if you mind...

*Malfoy hexes the turkey to start moving around on its own*

Hardy: And now to put the thermometer inside and stick it-
*Hardy watches the turkey jump and imitate Keaton*

Keaton: OW! Who poked me?!

Hardy: Huh? I didn't know that it was still alive.

Harry: What did Malfoy do this time?

Hermione: I'll fix it. *Uses a counter-curse on the turkey while
Snape returns*

Snape: Caught you! Red-handed hexing food! Fifty points from
Gryffindor!

Hermione: Malfoy's the one who did it! I only used a counter-curse!

Snape: You're still not allowed to use magic outside the school
grounds!

Saturos: Oh? Then watch us do it.

Menardi: *Waits for Hardy to put the turkey in the oven, and then
uses Fireball to overcook it.*

Snape: I didn't see anything.

Menardi: Then you'll see the results right about...*smoke alarms go
off as black smoke starts billowing from the oven*...now!

Hardy: Uh-oh! I had the oven on too high! .oO(But why does it still
say 475 degrees? Must be broken.) *Takes out an uber-charred
turkey and hangs an Out Of Order sign on the oven*

Snape: O_O

Malfoy: Aw! I wanted to mess with the turkey!

Saturos: You kids had your turn already.

Majin Buu: Want turkey...want turkey...want turkey... *walking to the
set to grab the burnt bird*

Kaiba: Hey! Get that Buu off of the set!

Yugi: I can't, I have to hold the camera!

Kaiba: Ugh...then that makes two of us. *Buu eats the turkey*

Hardy: Well, at least someone can appreciate my over-cooking.

Goku: HEY! We were supposed to share that, Buu!

Majin Buu: @#%$@ YOU, MONKEY!!

Goku: Why you! *Goku and Buu start a swearing spree*

Chi-Chi: *covers Great Saiyaman's ears* HEY! STOP THAT! WHAT ABOUT
GOHAN'S FRAGILE MIND?!?! YOU COULD HAVE WARPED HIM FOR LIFE,
YOU IDIOTS!!!!

Saiyaman: *whispers* Mom...I'm old enough to decide what I want for
myself...

Chi-Chi: Is that so?! *glares at Piccolo* Is this garbage that you
put into my little boy's head?!

Piccolo: *backs up slightly* Err...no, ma'am!

Chi-Chi: YOU LIAR! *uses her PMS-powers to turn Super-Chi-Chi 4 and
accidentally blows up Snape*

Nappa: Whoa, remind me not to make her mad...Vegeta? Vegeta?

Roshi: He's offstage with Bulma. I wish I was...*pouts*

Asia: And that concludes tonight's TV Asia News...now we'll just watch
this Jerry Springer-ish cooking show!

Harry: This is too weird...

Hermione: That's what Asia meant by 'utter randomness', Harry.

Domon: Master! There's a couple making out offstage!!!

Asia: ...No comment...

Roshi: Aw, darn. Hey, kid! Tell me all the juicy details! *drools
and laughs*

Domon: I'd rather not.

Malfoy: WHO BLEW UP PROFESSOR SNAPE?! *gets blown up by Chi-Chi*

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Samus: This show is freaky...it's...it's...

Ridley: Comedic gold. *Samus and Houston facefall*

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Stay tuned for Act 2!