Part five, Sometimes words aren't enough.
Kath sits beside the lake, the tears falling from her chestnut eyes, unable to think of anything but the last few days, each moment flashing before her eyes and hurting her all the more. She wants to reverse it all, take back everything she says, she wants to beg him, to plead with him. That same urge came over her with Simon, and yet the reasons were different, the circumstances differed.
"I'm sorry," she stammers, her words failing her in the frosty morning. She had never meant for it to turn out how it has, she had thought it would last forever, there was nothing to suggest it wouldn't.
She stands up and heads towards the car, knowing that she has to go to work, she cannot sit around doing nothing. While she is busy she doesn't have to think of anyone, think of Simon or Zubin and that's the way she wants it to stay, no reflecting. for now.
~*~
Diane turns to look at Zubin slightly during theatre, the silence cutting through them all, surgery with the three of them has been difficult for a while. She smiles gently at him, not quite knowing what else to do.
"Diane, can you move the suction, I can't see what I'm doing!" Ric demands, his face screwing up in concentration, the one thing that always made Diane laugh. It's the little things that make the difference, and she knows that, she just hopes she has done the right thing.
"Yes, Sir!" She giggles, shooting a sarcastic look towards him and pulling a face at Zubin. To be honest with herself she knows it's the happiest she has been in years, the happiest she has been since she left Ric all those years ago. Despite all those many months she spent crying and regretting leaving Ric, she has never felt any emotion but love and admiration for him.
As Diane and Ric walk out of surgery Ric slips his arms around Diane's waist and sways her gently in his arms.
"I think someone needs to talk to Kath, I know she isn't coping or ready to come back to work, but why would she listen to an old fool like me?" He says, whispering into her ear as Zubin watches from behind them. Before, Zubin would have expected to feel jealous of anything passing between Ric and Diane, but now he is just empty.
"I'll go, she needs someone, your right." She says removing his arms from around her.
"Oh, don't deny the old and fool comments then." He smiles, slipping back to her side and catching her arm.
"I won't, don't worry." She giggles, releasing herself from his grip teasingly and walking off towards the ward, where she knows Kath will be.
~*~
"Its Cold" Ed says, beckoning Jess away from the garden and into the living room.
She looks towards him; tear tracks lined down her cheeks, her brown eyes full of fear and sorrow. She rests her head on his chest, the soothing rise and fall of it at every breath soothing her gently.
"What is it?" He asks, taking her hands into his own, warming them as the tears begin to tumble from her eyes again. She shakes her head defiantly, not knowing what to tell him, but knowing that she would be better off in silent misery, it's the only way she knows. Some people just aren't used to being sad, and she isn't.
"Jess," he says, lifting her head so that her eyes a pouring deeply into his own, and he sees the sorrow and the insecurity, "you can talk to me, tell me what it is, you know that you can tell me anything. Everybody hurts, and it's how we deal with it that counts and whatever is going on in that head of yours doesn't matter. I'll. umm. I'll be standing by your side until forever, no matter what."
Jess knows its true, and yet something deep inside her tells her that it won't be this way forever, some day something is going to go wrong, and she doesn't want it to go that way, ever. She's not sure what is going on inside her head, she's confused, weeks ago it seemed so easy but given time to think things over nothing looks as certain. Someone had always told her that things were worth risking happiness for, and you can't pass an opportunity of happiness just because your not completely sure, maybe they had been right. Something tells her she's not so secure, she's never felt this way before and it confuses her but. its there. She's sure about the baby but nothing can make sure of her happiness and even with the thought of Ed's warm touch things seem wrong. Something deep inside is telling her it will go wrong, and yet she doesn't know why she feels so sad.
"Jess," He starts again, his heart racing with nerves, "I've been meaning to ask you for some time now. Will you..." He says. Dropping down onto one knee "Will you marry me?"
Shock fills her worried heart, mixed with so many feelings she cannot understand and has never felt before. All at once she wants to say yes, finalise her love for him, and yet she isn't sure it can work, no matter how deep their love is. She turns away from him, her head held low, tears of confusing spilling from her deep brown eyes.
"I don't know Ed, I really don't know." She whispers before running out into the car, wanting time to think, time alone at work where no one can bother her, no one and nothing.
~*~
She watches silently as another tear slips from Kath's eyes, pain searing through her heart at every moment just thinking of him. Diane slips her arm around Kath's shoulders and bows her head in silent understanding, knowing that every word of comfort is best left unsaid. No matter what she does, nothing can heal Kath's heart.
At first Kath had tried to keep face, but as the days grew on she no longer saw the point, and the first tears fell, followed by so many more that she lost count. She has felt loss before, but never to this extent, where he is so close and yet so out of reach, and where every inch of her soul longs for him. So many people had told her she was too old to fall in love again, but they had been wrong, she had proved that, and deep inside she knows it. Falling in love with Zubin was the best thing that ever happened to her in so long, and in an instant it was snatched from her grip, taken away in just one breath, one moment, a few words, a few tears, and for what? As far as she is concerned, for nothing. no relief, no happiness and so much regret.
"I just can't believe it Diane, why is it always me? What have I ever done wrong?" Kath asks, wiping the tears from her saddened eyes.
"You've done nothing wrong Kath, just remember that, something good will happen, you and I both know that, if not now, then a few weeks, months. maybe even years, but it will happen. You've never deserved anything that has happened to you, but it has happened and there's no explanation for it but you'll make it through, you always manage to." Diane whispers, her heart bleeding on Kath's behalf, meaning every word she says, despite how unlike her it is.
"Maybe this time I won't manage." Kath sobs, looking up at Diane, "And since when has it been you giving me advice." She adds jokingly.
"Since it has been you needing it"
~*~
Ric sits beside Zubin on the roof, them both looking towards the ground, neither of them saying a word, there is so much to say and yet neither of them have words to express it, sometimes words just aren't enough.
"I'm sorry Ric, I didn't mean anything that happened, I was so confused." Zubin says, trying to make the peace at last.
"Why didn't you just come to me in the first place?" Ric enquires gently, the hurt building inside of him that his friend felt he couldn't come to him. Why? What was that bad that he would betray him in such a way? Why Diane? So many things he would love to ask him, and yet he doesn't know how.
"Like you came to me when you needed money, when you needed advice, when you had that little gambling problem you mean?" He snaps sarcastically, "God Ric, no one is perfect you know, sometimes we don't enquire for help, we all make mistakes."
"Maybe that was just one too many." Ric says looking towards Zubin. So much hurt is inside of him that he can't let go of, he's never been one to hold grudges, but sometimes it goes too far. He stands up and walks across the roof, not knowing quite what to do, he knows somehow that they are being childish, he's known it all along, but it seems so defeatist just to give in now. Maybe it had only been one kiss, but Zubin had meant it, somewhere deep inside him he had wanted to get back at Ric in some way. and why not through Diane? On the other had it could have just been an attraction, but the point still remains that he loves Diane, why would Zubin do it?
He had never quite given Zubin an exact chance to explain, it all seemed so clear, as clear as day, he had tried to take away the one person Ric has ever truly loved. It wasn't like Zubin, but at the time jealousy took over and there was no other explanation, he didn't even consider the hard times Zubin had had.
He walks off silently, not sure what to do, what to say, but in the state his in he cannot come up with a simple solution, its best not to think about.
"Goodbye then," Whispers Zubin as Ric leaves through the exit without a single word.
~*~
Mubbs walks up beside Owen and smiles slightly, knowing the pain that fills Owen's heart. Everybody had watched Owen go about work without Chrissie, like an empty shell just acting on impulse, like nothing else mattered in the world. and it didn't. With each tear he shed, in what he thought were private moments, their hearts filled with sorrow. So many times had they wanted him to just speak about her, but he remained stubbornly focused on just getting on with his work and keeping his private life under wraps.
"So, what's on the agenda for today then?" Mubbs asks merrily, trying unsuccessfully to lighten Owen's mood.
"Eighteen year old female was admitted a few days ago with severe abdominal pains, she found out she was pregnant and is booked in for an abortion in an hour." He says, turning and going into his office.
Mubbs nods, turning towards Rosie and smiles gingerly at her then shrugs his shoulders, no one has any idea what is going on inside Owen's mind, and that's the way Owen intends it to stay. Rosie slowly approaches Mubbs with a gentle smile spread about her kind face.
"So, what's going on in the wonderful world of Mubbs?" Rosie asks, her heart racing. She knew from the first time she set eyes on him that her feelings for him would be strong, and she would crave him. She had never been a true believer in love at first sight until she set eyes upon him. Through her arranged marriage she had never known true love, but every moment spent with Mubbs she's sure is love.
As much as she believes him to be a womaniser, something deep inside just tells her that he could be so much more, that its all a façade. So many times had she been tempted to go for it, just to abandon all the life she lives to be with him, but it's just a crazy thought with no justification. The life she has with Sami and the girls, it isn't perfect, but it's all she has ever known and it's comfortable, she doesn't know if she could handle anything different. She knows though, on the other hand, that comfortable isn't something you should just settle for.
~*~
Jess walks out into AAU, her eyes gleaming with fresh, confused tears. With each tear she has cried a different 'way out' popped into her head, each less possible than the first. She loves him, she's sure of that, but somehow her heart just isn't in it and as far as she's concerned, his isn't quite either. His words may be right but her feelings just aren't. She has been thinking of it constantly for the last half hour and yet nothing has got any clearer, everything is clouded. If she had no ounce of doubt inside her she would say yes in a heartbeat, and she still considers doing just that, but something holds her back.
There's always going to be the 'what if's' floating around inside her head, what if he decides he has had enough in a few years? What if they can't make it right? She knows that it's a risk she has to take, everyone goes through it, but nothing seems right anymore, the 'what if's' are just taking over. For a split second she imagines life without him and her heart fills with sorrow and loss, the risk has to be taken, as long as she still has the chance to take it.
~*~
Kath stands beside the patient's bed, folding the sheets aimlessly, her mind working in overdrive. She doesn't seem to need to think anymore, its all laid out in front of her like an ever winding path, it seems imminent that she will remain alone and forever longing for just one look, just one touch from him.
"Nurse, any idea when I'm going in for this operation?" The patient asks warily, a sound of deep panic in his deep voice.
Kath turns around to face him, her lips smiling, her eyes needing desperately to cry. Each moment she has to keep herself in check, stop herself from crying and drive herself on with work. Some people would say she was being pathetic, but deep inside she feels anything but.
"Should be in a couple of minutes," She says, before noticing the worried look in his deep brown eyes. From the moment he came in she had been too caught up in herself to notice one of her own patients in distress. "I'm sorry Mr Taylor, I had been a little preoccupied, are you okay?"
"Its just. if this operation doesn't go right... then everything I have lived for has been for nothing," He whispers, hanging his head. Her heart fills with compassion for the man sitting before her, now she has taken time to listen to him; she feels the will to help him.
"Is there anyone I can call for you?" She asks cheerfully, her heart still breaking by the seconds, but her mind focused on the task at hand. She takes every day bit by bit to help her through.
"No one." He says, fiddling with the hem on his gown, "Well. there is my girlfriend Lauren, but. I don't want you to call her unless something goes wrong. promise me that."
"If that is what you wish. now what is it that is worrying you so much, it's okay for you to be afraid you know." She adds sympathetically.
"I'm not afraid!" He snaps, alarming her slightly, his face becomes calm again instantly, his voice softer, "I'm sorry. its just that since I was a young boy I dreamt of being a surgeon, I'm a medical school you see, and its as if it's being snatched from me. I'm sure it will be okay though." He says, his ever-changing moods taking Kath for surprise.
"It will be okay, I'm sure it will. Just keep calm until the operation, you don't want to get yourself worked up, although I'm sure you know that one," she says soothingly.
~*~
Ed picks up the ring that he had so casually tossed across the room a few days ago; it had seemed so simple then, such a definite yes. At the time picking up the ring had seemed something he didn't need to do, maybe if he had he would have looked more serious about it.
Deep down inside he knows there is nothing he could have done to change her mind, nothing to make her say yes. The day she sat playing the piano before him seems so long ago now, how she sat in his arms after and he felt so needed, so loved, like never before.
He steps outside into the fresh air, the cold wind whipping at his face and arousing his senses. He has to talk to her, explain how much he loves her, find out the problem. anything. But as he sits inside the car and switches on the radio, his heart begins slowly to resign.
She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done
The tears fall silently from his eyes at these very words, everything inside him aches for Jess, every movement hurts. It had seemed so simple when he thought it over in his head; it had been like she had to say yes, that she would say yes. He had learned once before, that fate always seemed to have some cruel joke up its sleeve just for him, and once again it had happened. He had let his guard down and allowed himself to settle down once again, just for it all to be blown into a turbulent storm.
Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind
He thinks silently in the car, he had been foolish to believe that Jess would stay with him, be his forever. Deep inside he had had his doubts about it, had wondered if it would go right, but when he looked at her they all blew away. Maybe she had encountered these doubts as well, but she had acted upon them, if only she hadn't.
His heart swells with sorrow as the tears pour from his pain-filled eyes, he hasn't felt this bad since Chrissie. The last time he felt this bad he had been driven almost to suicide, but he knows he can't this time, there are other people to think of, Jess. No matter how much she has hurt him, he can't do anything he will regret because of her, because he is afraid of hurting her.
Maybe words weren't enough to express his feelings for her, that's why she couldn't bring herself to say yes, or maybe she just didn't love him. Either way, in his mind, the prospects don't look good, he loves her, but how can he march after her and tell her, when he is afraid of getting rejected again.
I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane
Pulling his seatbelt over his shoulder and wiping the tears from his eyes, he makes a decision, that he can't hold back, that he has to see her, if only to know she's still somewhere in his life.
~*~
Ric looks across to Diane during theatre, watching her nose screw up in concentration, 'cute' he thinks. He smiles at her behind his mask and he watches her eyes glow up with joy as she smiles back at him.
"Looks like he's going to make it then," Zubin says turning his head towards the two of them in their loving silence.
"It does look that way," Ric mutters back, "I guess he just wants to carry on with his life and follow his dream, and I can't blame him when you can find such love as a surgeon."
"Oh just kill me now," Zubin whispers under his breath, quiet enough for Ric not to have heard. As much as he wanted to be friends with Ric again, he can't help but think he's trying to rub it in his face somehow. Love is found greatest as a surgeon, but lost so easily when the right things aren't said.
"Is it okay if I leave you to close, Diane, I have some business to attend to?" He asks and Diane nods gently in response her great blue eyes gazing happily at him. "Good work guys."
~*~
Mubbs strokes Rosie's cheek gently, his whole body calling out to her, every inch of him wanting her, despite knowing he shouldn't. He closes his eyes gently and holds her in his arms, taking everything a step at a time, he knows its not all one sided.
"Rosie." He whispers looking deep into her chocolate eyes.
"Shhhh," She places her finger to his lips staring back into his eyes, she knows its wrong, but maybe that's what makes it feel so right. Its dangerous, daring and she feels so strongly that she can't fight back any longer. So long she has waited for this one moment when they can be alone, so long has she waited to be in his arms, to feel his tender touch.
"Its wrong Mubbs," She whispers as he kisses her gently on the neck, and her eyes gently close.
"Rosie, Your not just anyone to me, you do know that. All my life I've looked for someone like you."
"I knew some day I would find your sensitive side," she giggles as she leans forward and they share their first ever kiss. The touch of his lips against hers fills her with a mixture of guilt and excitement from this long awaited moment.
~*~
Ed rushes into AAU, a dozen red roses clutched in his right hand, his face red and flustered from running. His eyes are full of sorrow and his heart aches, but still he battles on, no matter what, he has to see her, even just for this one last time.
"Jess!" he calls out as he watches her answer the phone. He rushes to her side as she puts down the receiver and ushers her into a side room. All the words he had planned inside his head all disappear once again, the tears just tumble silently down his cheeks.
"Ed, don't make it harder for me." She whispers, her voice trembling as she holds back the tears that spring to her eyes simply at the sight of him.
"Jess, why? I just want to tell you that I love you so much. To be honest, I have never felt this way about anyone else before, I wanted to tell you when I proposed, I had so many things I wanted to say, but it wouldn't come out." He says, it all coming out so fast, that once he has started he just can't stop, "And. erm. whatever it is that's bothering you, we can work it out, I promise, no relationship is easy Jess, that's what makes them better, whether you can...umm. make it through the hard stuff."
Jess looks down towards the floor, he hand rested gently upon her stomach and the tears filling her eyes. She loves him, but how can she ever get past the doubt inside her? He lifts up her head gently and pours his very heart and soul into her eyes as he sniffs back tears.
"I will." She whispers gently, her heart racing inside of her.
"You will?"
"I will," She says, embracing him gently after kissing him tenderly.
~*~
Kath looks up as Zubin enters the ward and her eyes fill with tears once again, she kneels down onto the floor and sits with her back against the desk. A single tear rushes down her cheek as she sits looking up at the ceiling, her heart broken in two.
Memories of Zubin holding her in his arms when she found out about Chrissie rush to memory at once and she tries to force them away, they hurt too much. She recalls lying in bed next to him, his warm breath tickling the back of her neck and she realises how much she has truly lost.
Her pride is the only thing, still, that stops her from rushing into his arms and breaking down, saying that she loves him, begging him to take her back. She's tried before, and look where it got her.
"I love you." He whispers bending down beside her, placing his hand gently on her shaking shoulders. Her head turns to look at him with a look of deep hurt and depression but she suppresses a slight smile. Its those three words that she has been waiting to hear for a while now, those three words which are so easily said but mean so much to her.
Gently closing her eyes she falls into his arms and sobs into his shoulder, the two of them too sorry to say anything, to even say how sorry they are. They both know that there is so much further to go now, further than they had to go before, but they are willing, more willing than anyone, to make it work.
"I love you too" She whispers, gripping his hand in her own, "So much,"
Part 6 coming soon!
Kath sits beside the lake, the tears falling from her chestnut eyes, unable to think of anything but the last few days, each moment flashing before her eyes and hurting her all the more. She wants to reverse it all, take back everything she says, she wants to beg him, to plead with him. That same urge came over her with Simon, and yet the reasons were different, the circumstances differed.
"I'm sorry," she stammers, her words failing her in the frosty morning. She had never meant for it to turn out how it has, she had thought it would last forever, there was nothing to suggest it wouldn't.
She stands up and heads towards the car, knowing that she has to go to work, she cannot sit around doing nothing. While she is busy she doesn't have to think of anyone, think of Simon or Zubin and that's the way she wants it to stay, no reflecting. for now.
~*~
Diane turns to look at Zubin slightly during theatre, the silence cutting through them all, surgery with the three of them has been difficult for a while. She smiles gently at him, not quite knowing what else to do.
"Diane, can you move the suction, I can't see what I'm doing!" Ric demands, his face screwing up in concentration, the one thing that always made Diane laugh. It's the little things that make the difference, and she knows that, she just hopes she has done the right thing.
"Yes, Sir!" She giggles, shooting a sarcastic look towards him and pulling a face at Zubin. To be honest with herself she knows it's the happiest she has been in years, the happiest she has been since she left Ric all those years ago. Despite all those many months she spent crying and regretting leaving Ric, she has never felt any emotion but love and admiration for him.
As Diane and Ric walk out of surgery Ric slips his arms around Diane's waist and sways her gently in his arms.
"I think someone needs to talk to Kath, I know she isn't coping or ready to come back to work, but why would she listen to an old fool like me?" He says, whispering into her ear as Zubin watches from behind them. Before, Zubin would have expected to feel jealous of anything passing between Ric and Diane, but now he is just empty.
"I'll go, she needs someone, your right." She says removing his arms from around her.
"Oh, don't deny the old and fool comments then." He smiles, slipping back to her side and catching her arm.
"I won't, don't worry." She giggles, releasing herself from his grip teasingly and walking off towards the ward, where she knows Kath will be.
~*~
"Its Cold" Ed says, beckoning Jess away from the garden and into the living room.
She looks towards him; tear tracks lined down her cheeks, her brown eyes full of fear and sorrow. She rests her head on his chest, the soothing rise and fall of it at every breath soothing her gently.
"What is it?" He asks, taking her hands into his own, warming them as the tears begin to tumble from her eyes again. She shakes her head defiantly, not knowing what to tell him, but knowing that she would be better off in silent misery, it's the only way she knows. Some people just aren't used to being sad, and she isn't.
"Jess," he says, lifting her head so that her eyes a pouring deeply into his own, and he sees the sorrow and the insecurity, "you can talk to me, tell me what it is, you know that you can tell me anything. Everybody hurts, and it's how we deal with it that counts and whatever is going on in that head of yours doesn't matter. I'll. umm. I'll be standing by your side until forever, no matter what."
Jess knows its true, and yet something deep inside her tells her that it won't be this way forever, some day something is going to go wrong, and she doesn't want it to go that way, ever. She's not sure what is going on inside her head, she's confused, weeks ago it seemed so easy but given time to think things over nothing looks as certain. Someone had always told her that things were worth risking happiness for, and you can't pass an opportunity of happiness just because your not completely sure, maybe they had been right. Something tells her she's not so secure, she's never felt this way before and it confuses her but. its there. She's sure about the baby but nothing can make sure of her happiness and even with the thought of Ed's warm touch things seem wrong. Something deep inside is telling her it will go wrong, and yet she doesn't know why she feels so sad.
"Jess," He starts again, his heart racing with nerves, "I've been meaning to ask you for some time now. Will you..." He says. Dropping down onto one knee "Will you marry me?"
Shock fills her worried heart, mixed with so many feelings she cannot understand and has never felt before. All at once she wants to say yes, finalise her love for him, and yet she isn't sure it can work, no matter how deep their love is. She turns away from him, her head held low, tears of confusing spilling from her deep brown eyes.
"I don't know Ed, I really don't know." She whispers before running out into the car, wanting time to think, time alone at work where no one can bother her, no one and nothing.
~*~
She watches silently as another tear slips from Kath's eyes, pain searing through her heart at every moment just thinking of him. Diane slips her arm around Kath's shoulders and bows her head in silent understanding, knowing that every word of comfort is best left unsaid. No matter what she does, nothing can heal Kath's heart.
At first Kath had tried to keep face, but as the days grew on she no longer saw the point, and the first tears fell, followed by so many more that she lost count. She has felt loss before, but never to this extent, where he is so close and yet so out of reach, and where every inch of her soul longs for him. So many people had told her she was too old to fall in love again, but they had been wrong, she had proved that, and deep inside she knows it. Falling in love with Zubin was the best thing that ever happened to her in so long, and in an instant it was snatched from her grip, taken away in just one breath, one moment, a few words, a few tears, and for what? As far as she is concerned, for nothing. no relief, no happiness and so much regret.
"I just can't believe it Diane, why is it always me? What have I ever done wrong?" Kath asks, wiping the tears from her saddened eyes.
"You've done nothing wrong Kath, just remember that, something good will happen, you and I both know that, if not now, then a few weeks, months. maybe even years, but it will happen. You've never deserved anything that has happened to you, but it has happened and there's no explanation for it but you'll make it through, you always manage to." Diane whispers, her heart bleeding on Kath's behalf, meaning every word she says, despite how unlike her it is.
"Maybe this time I won't manage." Kath sobs, looking up at Diane, "And since when has it been you giving me advice." She adds jokingly.
"Since it has been you needing it"
~*~
Ric sits beside Zubin on the roof, them both looking towards the ground, neither of them saying a word, there is so much to say and yet neither of them have words to express it, sometimes words just aren't enough.
"I'm sorry Ric, I didn't mean anything that happened, I was so confused." Zubin says, trying to make the peace at last.
"Why didn't you just come to me in the first place?" Ric enquires gently, the hurt building inside of him that his friend felt he couldn't come to him. Why? What was that bad that he would betray him in such a way? Why Diane? So many things he would love to ask him, and yet he doesn't know how.
"Like you came to me when you needed money, when you needed advice, when you had that little gambling problem you mean?" He snaps sarcastically, "God Ric, no one is perfect you know, sometimes we don't enquire for help, we all make mistakes."
"Maybe that was just one too many." Ric says looking towards Zubin. So much hurt is inside of him that he can't let go of, he's never been one to hold grudges, but sometimes it goes too far. He stands up and walks across the roof, not knowing quite what to do, he knows somehow that they are being childish, he's known it all along, but it seems so defeatist just to give in now. Maybe it had only been one kiss, but Zubin had meant it, somewhere deep inside him he had wanted to get back at Ric in some way. and why not through Diane? On the other had it could have just been an attraction, but the point still remains that he loves Diane, why would Zubin do it?
He had never quite given Zubin an exact chance to explain, it all seemed so clear, as clear as day, he had tried to take away the one person Ric has ever truly loved. It wasn't like Zubin, but at the time jealousy took over and there was no other explanation, he didn't even consider the hard times Zubin had had.
He walks off silently, not sure what to do, what to say, but in the state his in he cannot come up with a simple solution, its best not to think about.
"Goodbye then," Whispers Zubin as Ric leaves through the exit without a single word.
~*~
Mubbs walks up beside Owen and smiles slightly, knowing the pain that fills Owen's heart. Everybody had watched Owen go about work without Chrissie, like an empty shell just acting on impulse, like nothing else mattered in the world. and it didn't. With each tear he shed, in what he thought were private moments, their hearts filled with sorrow. So many times had they wanted him to just speak about her, but he remained stubbornly focused on just getting on with his work and keeping his private life under wraps.
"So, what's on the agenda for today then?" Mubbs asks merrily, trying unsuccessfully to lighten Owen's mood.
"Eighteen year old female was admitted a few days ago with severe abdominal pains, she found out she was pregnant and is booked in for an abortion in an hour." He says, turning and going into his office.
Mubbs nods, turning towards Rosie and smiles gingerly at her then shrugs his shoulders, no one has any idea what is going on inside Owen's mind, and that's the way Owen intends it to stay. Rosie slowly approaches Mubbs with a gentle smile spread about her kind face.
"So, what's going on in the wonderful world of Mubbs?" Rosie asks, her heart racing. She knew from the first time she set eyes on him that her feelings for him would be strong, and she would crave him. She had never been a true believer in love at first sight until she set eyes upon him. Through her arranged marriage she had never known true love, but every moment spent with Mubbs she's sure is love.
As much as she believes him to be a womaniser, something deep inside just tells her that he could be so much more, that its all a façade. So many times had she been tempted to go for it, just to abandon all the life she lives to be with him, but it's just a crazy thought with no justification. The life she has with Sami and the girls, it isn't perfect, but it's all she has ever known and it's comfortable, she doesn't know if she could handle anything different. She knows though, on the other hand, that comfortable isn't something you should just settle for.
~*~
Jess walks out into AAU, her eyes gleaming with fresh, confused tears. With each tear she has cried a different 'way out' popped into her head, each less possible than the first. She loves him, she's sure of that, but somehow her heart just isn't in it and as far as she's concerned, his isn't quite either. His words may be right but her feelings just aren't. She has been thinking of it constantly for the last half hour and yet nothing has got any clearer, everything is clouded. If she had no ounce of doubt inside her she would say yes in a heartbeat, and she still considers doing just that, but something holds her back.
There's always going to be the 'what if's' floating around inside her head, what if he decides he has had enough in a few years? What if they can't make it right? She knows that it's a risk she has to take, everyone goes through it, but nothing seems right anymore, the 'what if's' are just taking over. For a split second she imagines life without him and her heart fills with sorrow and loss, the risk has to be taken, as long as she still has the chance to take it.
~*~
Kath stands beside the patient's bed, folding the sheets aimlessly, her mind working in overdrive. She doesn't seem to need to think anymore, its all laid out in front of her like an ever winding path, it seems imminent that she will remain alone and forever longing for just one look, just one touch from him.
"Nurse, any idea when I'm going in for this operation?" The patient asks warily, a sound of deep panic in his deep voice.
Kath turns around to face him, her lips smiling, her eyes needing desperately to cry. Each moment she has to keep herself in check, stop herself from crying and drive herself on with work. Some people would say she was being pathetic, but deep inside she feels anything but.
"Should be in a couple of minutes," She says, before noticing the worried look in his deep brown eyes. From the moment he came in she had been too caught up in herself to notice one of her own patients in distress. "I'm sorry Mr Taylor, I had been a little preoccupied, are you okay?"
"Its just. if this operation doesn't go right... then everything I have lived for has been for nothing," He whispers, hanging his head. Her heart fills with compassion for the man sitting before her, now she has taken time to listen to him; she feels the will to help him.
"Is there anyone I can call for you?" She asks cheerfully, her heart still breaking by the seconds, but her mind focused on the task at hand. She takes every day bit by bit to help her through.
"No one." He says, fiddling with the hem on his gown, "Well. there is my girlfriend Lauren, but. I don't want you to call her unless something goes wrong. promise me that."
"If that is what you wish. now what is it that is worrying you so much, it's okay for you to be afraid you know." She adds sympathetically.
"I'm not afraid!" He snaps, alarming her slightly, his face becomes calm again instantly, his voice softer, "I'm sorry. its just that since I was a young boy I dreamt of being a surgeon, I'm a medical school you see, and its as if it's being snatched from me. I'm sure it will be okay though." He says, his ever-changing moods taking Kath for surprise.
"It will be okay, I'm sure it will. Just keep calm until the operation, you don't want to get yourself worked up, although I'm sure you know that one," she says soothingly.
~*~
Ed picks up the ring that he had so casually tossed across the room a few days ago; it had seemed so simple then, such a definite yes. At the time picking up the ring had seemed something he didn't need to do, maybe if he had he would have looked more serious about it.
Deep down inside he knows there is nothing he could have done to change her mind, nothing to make her say yes. The day she sat playing the piano before him seems so long ago now, how she sat in his arms after and he felt so needed, so loved, like never before.
He steps outside into the fresh air, the cold wind whipping at his face and arousing his senses. He has to talk to her, explain how much he loves her, find out the problem. anything. But as he sits inside the car and switches on the radio, his heart begins slowly to resign.
She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done
The tears fall silently from his eyes at these very words, everything inside him aches for Jess, every movement hurts. It had seemed so simple when he thought it over in his head; it had been like she had to say yes, that she would say yes. He had learned once before, that fate always seemed to have some cruel joke up its sleeve just for him, and once again it had happened. He had let his guard down and allowed himself to settle down once again, just for it all to be blown into a turbulent storm.
Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind
He thinks silently in the car, he had been foolish to believe that Jess would stay with him, be his forever. Deep inside he had had his doubts about it, had wondered if it would go right, but when he looked at her they all blew away. Maybe she had encountered these doubts as well, but she had acted upon them, if only she hadn't.
His heart swells with sorrow as the tears pour from his pain-filled eyes, he hasn't felt this bad since Chrissie. The last time he felt this bad he had been driven almost to suicide, but he knows he can't this time, there are other people to think of, Jess. No matter how much she has hurt him, he can't do anything he will regret because of her, because he is afraid of hurting her.
Maybe words weren't enough to express his feelings for her, that's why she couldn't bring herself to say yes, or maybe she just didn't love him. Either way, in his mind, the prospects don't look good, he loves her, but how can he march after her and tell her, when he is afraid of getting rejected again.
I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane
Pulling his seatbelt over his shoulder and wiping the tears from his eyes, he makes a decision, that he can't hold back, that he has to see her, if only to know she's still somewhere in his life.
~*~
Ric looks across to Diane during theatre, watching her nose screw up in concentration, 'cute' he thinks. He smiles at her behind his mask and he watches her eyes glow up with joy as she smiles back at him.
"Looks like he's going to make it then," Zubin says turning his head towards the two of them in their loving silence.
"It does look that way," Ric mutters back, "I guess he just wants to carry on with his life and follow his dream, and I can't blame him when you can find such love as a surgeon."
"Oh just kill me now," Zubin whispers under his breath, quiet enough for Ric not to have heard. As much as he wanted to be friends with Ric again, he can't help but think he's trying to rub it in his face somehow. Love is found greatest as a surgeon, but lost so easily when the right things aren't said.
"Is it okay if I leave you to close, Diane, I have some business to attend to?" He asks and Diane nods gently in response her great blue eyes gazing happily at him. "Good work guys."
~*~
Mubbs strokes Rosie's cheek gently, his whole body calling out to her, every inch of him wanting her, despite knowing he shouldn't. He closes his eyes gently and holds her in his arms, taking everything a step at a time, he knows its not all one sided.
"Rosie." He whispers looking deep into her chocolate eyes.
"Shhhh," She places her finger to his lips staring back into his eyes, she knows its wrong, but maybe that's what makes it feel so right. Its dangerous, daring and she feels so strongly that she can't fight back any longer. So long she has waited for this one moment when they can be alone, so long has she waited to be in his arms, to feel his tender touch.
"Its wrong Mubbs," She whispers as he kisses her gently on the neck, and her eyes gently close.
"Rosie, Your not just anyone to me, you do know that. All my life I've looked for someone like you."
"I knew some day I would find your sensitive side," she giggles as she leans forward and they share their first ever kiss. The touch of his lips against hers fills her with a mixture of guilt and excitement from this long awaited moment.
~*~
Ed rushes into AAU, a dozen red roses clutched in his right hand, his face red and flustered from running. His eyes are full of sorrow and his heart aches, but still he battles on, no matter what, he has to see her, even just for this one last time.
"Jess!" he calls out as he watches her answer the phone. He rushes to her side as she puts down the receiver and ushers her into a side room. All the words he had planned inside his head all disappear once again, the tears just tumble silently down his cheeks.
"Ed, don't make it harder for me." She whispers, her voice trembling as she holds back the tears that spring to her eyes simply at the sight of him.
"Jess, why? I just want to tell you that I love you so much. To be honest, I have never felt this way about anyone else before, I wanted to tell you when I proposed, I had so many things I wanted to say, but it wouldn't come out." He says, it all coming out so fast, that once he has started he just can't stop, "And. erm. whatever it is that's bothering you, we can work it out, I promise, no relationship is easy Jess, that's what makes them better, whether you can...umm. make it through the hard stuff."
Jess looks down towards the floor, he hand rested gently upon her stomach and the tears filling her eyes. She loves him, but how can she ever get past the doubt inside her? He lifts up her head gently and pours his very heart and soul into her eyes as he sniffs back tears.
"I will." She whispers gently, her heart racing inside of her.
"You will?"
"I will," She says, embracing him gently after kissing him tenderly.
~*~
Kath looks up as Zubin enters the ward and her eyes fill with tears once again, she kneels down onto the floor and sits with her back against the desk. A single tear rushes down her cheek as she sits looking up at the ceiling, her heart broken in two.
Memories of Zubin holding her in his arms when she found out about Chrissie rush to memory at once and she tries to force them away, they hurt too much. She recalls lying in bed next to him, his warm breath tickling the back of her neck and she realises how much she has truly lost.
Her pride is the only thing, still, that stops her from rushing into his arms and breaking down, saying that she loves him, begging him to take her back. She's tried before, and look where it got her.
"I love you." He whispers bending down beside her, placing his hand gently on her shaking shoulders. Her head turns to look at him with a look of deep hurt and depression but she suppresses a slight smile. Its those three words that she has been waiting to hear for a while now, those three words which are so easily said but mean so much to her.
Gently closing her eyes she falls into his arms and sobs into his shoulder, the two of them too sorry to say anything, to even say how sorry they are. They both know that there is so much further to go now, further than they had to go before, but they are willing, more willing than anyone, to make it work.
"I love you too" She whispers, gripping his hand in her own, "So much,"
Part 6 coming soon!
