. . .Letters to You. . .


xox brigittebites xox


chapter i apologetic theory


"I want you to know: I miss you, I miss you so." & "I'm writing again, these letters to you, aren't much I know. But i'm not asleep, and you're not here"

-Finch-




Dearest Harry,


I've never written a perfect letter before. I've never really quite known how to, surprisingly enough. I don't even know if you'll read this ... or perhaps if this shall just be discarded. Thrown aside. Unread. I've come to like that though. Writing for no one. No one at all. Call it a quirk, if you like.


I've written so many letters to you, just never got the nerve to send them. And by then, what I had written was outdated ... or sounded strange even to my own ears.


... Everything i'm saying, is coming out wrong. Please bear with me, I've got so much to say ... I want to explain myself, and my actions, to you.


I don't know why i'm writing, or what i'm expecting to come of this. After all, they're only words, right? Where does it start? In the hand, in my head, or maybe outside myself? Or quite possibly, from the heart this time?


...I lied. I do know why i'm writing... It's been too long Harry. Far too long for my liking. I've tried so hard, and for what has seemed like a lifetime, to ignore the dull, aching pain in my chest when I think of you ... of Ron ... of everyone. Everyday.


Forgive me, forgive me not ... i'm sorry. For what it's worth, I know I was wrong. I've been trying to find reasons, excuses, anything to prove to myself that I was right in keeping everything in me, in ... ignoring the tremendous pain I caused all of you, in ... breaking the friendship I treasured for so long ... and still do.


I haven't been successful. Because so far, I haven't found anything. All i'm cursed with, is an unexplainable burden. One I wasn't meant to have. It sits and rests on my shoulder, for hours on end ... and even in my sleep, it haunts me. Like a heavy load I wasn't meant to have, but still received... destiny perhaps? But I was never one to believe in that.


Maybe someone thought I was capable of carrying it. I was never any good at carrying my own heavy loads. Everybody elses was a different story. Anything, but my own.


Harry, what I'm trying to say is ... this is my broken silence. On everything. All the unanswered questions you had, and maybe still have. Based on the apologetic theory, i'm completely opening up ... no lies, no false excuses ... nothing but the truth on what really happened between me and Draco Malfoy. If you'll hear me out. Will you?