So, the main idea of this fic is that Inu-Yasha, Kagome, Sango and Naraku
died 20 years ago. Now their reincarnations live in Japan and are destined
to face the past of their souls. Sound great, doesn't it... ^^' Oh, and by
the way. Because they all died 20 years ago, it means they are supposed to
be at the same age. BUT they aren't. So don't think about that. I will
explain it later.
Another btw, you can see who's telling the story in every chapter.
Disclaimer: Me don't own Inu-Yasha. But do I own his reincarnation?
Chapter 1 Unexplained things
Rin
You can't really say that life is a one great battle. In a battle there are losers and winners. Life can't be explained so easily. You can always practice for battles and you can learn from your mistakes. In life you can only learn from your mistakes. We are not given a chance to practice, we can't choose between two simple alternatives: fight or escape. The only way to escape life is death, sometimes it is even the best chance you have, but it is not the same as withdrawing from a battle.
This is only my opinion, but I have noticed I am not so wrong after all. Miroku often says to me I think way too much. I can't help it, but he obviously thinks he can. He couldn't save Sango, but he is concerned he can save me. From what? Thinking too much? No-one can 'save' me from it. Maybe I need it. Which is bless, ability to think or ability to avoid deeper brain activity? Actually this thinking-obsess of mine is from Miroku. He taught me to think. He wasn't expecting me to go 'this far'. Most of the people are interested in their property, family or status. Villagers from the forest near our cottage don't have so much property to care of which makes it more valuable. If you want your family to have enough food you have to look carefully after your property. Some people have only their families. Like me. I have never cared about property or status. And now I am starting to doubt if even family-life is meant for me.
I am still searching for my place in this world. When I heard about place where to belong I thought it meant home. It actually is same as home, I see it now. With home I don't mean a house with four walls and a roof. It is something where you want to spent rest of your life. Except if you find another place you love just as much. Home also means people you love the most. For me it was Miroku and our little cottage in the forest middle of Japan. I wanted to spend there the rest of my life.
When Miroku took me, he promised to take good care of me. He didn't let Sesshou-maru to do that. Maybe Sesshou-maru didn't even want. I have never asked him. And I shouldn't bother doing it because the answer would be something I can't draw conclusions from. Miroku is different. He sure is warm-hearted. I didn't know about his fame as a charmer of women. I don't know if Sesshou-maru did. But Miroku's interest towards women disappeared with Sango. Even I was a little girl I somehow guessed he liked Sango, or can I call it love? And I noticed that Sango's death changed something in him. Maybe that's why Sesshou-maru wasn't afraid of giving me to Miroku. Anyway, Miroku is treating me very well, but I am not sure how to react to that. First, when I was little, I thought him as a somekind of a father. Then when I grew up I thought he was in love with me and I thought his overflowing kindness as a normal way to show love. Now I know better. Now he is like a father again.
It is weird how I never kept Sesshou-maru as my father. I guess it is because he was no like father at all. He wasn't even like a big brother. He hardly smiled at me, but I was a child who hadn't learned to think yet, so I just instinctually knew he cared. To be that innocent again... It is so amazing how children just know some things. Well, I knew. I don't know about other children. Akira is very much like me. He hardly saw his father. But he loved Miroku. And I thought Miroku loved me as a wife or a lifemate.
When years passed I realized it wasn't the case. The older I got the more he spoke about his past and journey with Inu-Yasha and Kagome. He remembers everything like it had happened yesterday. I have seen that shady look in his eyes sometimes. It is nothing I can change and it is bothering me. He thinks me as Sango. Unconsciously, of course. He treats me the way he would have treated Sango, talks about things they both attended like I had been there. He even called me Sango once. It was in the middle of his sentence and I wouldn't have noticed it if Akira hadn't said it to me. Maybe I look like Sango. We both have long black hair but most of the Japanese woman do, so ...
Miroku is fully sane and quite healthy. I decided not to worry too much about it. No matter how hard I try to not to think about it I can't help worrying over Miroku. I am afraid he can lose his mind if this continues like this. I knew one woman who lived in her past. Her husband had died from demons hand but the woman kept living like her husband was alive. All the men she saw reminded her from him. Miroku knows I am not Sango. He just can't hide that in fact he wants Sango here. As far as I know, he never even told her. About his feelings, I mean.
Miroku is a good friend. He has been taking care of me and Akira. He even accepts Akira as a half-demon, which everyone can't do. That is something I truly appreciate. I wonder if it was like this if Miroku had never met Inu- Yasha. Well, Miroku hadn't probably met me without Inu-Yasha. I don't know if they got along so well. What I have heard from Miroku, they actually got along pretty well after all. Or Miroku got along, Inu-Yasha didn't. I can imagine hot-tempered Inu-Yasha trying to argue with cool and polite Miroku. He is like a father-character to Akira. Sesshou-maru wouldn't be so good model of a man. I admit that. And that isn't only my opinion. I am grateful to Miroku he doesn't care Sesshou-maru is Akira's father. They haven't spoken to each other after what happened. It is so hard to believe it happened only twenty years ago. It seems like a lifetime.
Miroku has got older. He is lucky to be alive. He survived from devouring to the vortex in his hand because of Naraku's death, but it took some power from him. He fought mentally hard to avoid that curse. Its disappearing was a relief, but it still affects him. His step is more careful than before. He looks down when he climbs stairs and uses a club more often. He was so full of energy and now he's just a shadow of his past. I think I can blame Sango. What makes me blame Naraku. That name still makes me shiver. We have hardly mentioned his name during these years. I have told Akira about him. It feels like Naraku is listening even though I know he is long gone. Dead like the others. Like Akira now. And I say Miroku talks like Sango is alive. Some things are hard to understand. Some things can't be changed. Like death. I am used to death. It has always been part of my life.
" You are not completely happy before you are dead. " Back then I didn't agree with Sesshou-maru. Is it ten years? Or more? " But doesn't happiness depend on a person? " I asked. I wanted to believe that everyone could have a good life with people he or she loves. I considered 'love' and 'happiness' as synonymies. " Happiness depends on a person, love doesn't ", Sesshou-maru answered with that dark and dry voice of his looking me like he didn't want to talk about that subject. I wanted to ask what he knows about love, but I didn't. I knew what he would answer. Love doesn't depend on a person. I didn't understand him. There are only few who can. Or I think there are. I have never met anyone.. Most of the people think him as a cold-blooded killer. That in fact he is a demon makes people suspicious. I didn't understand that either. Miroku and his friends liked Inu-Yasha, but not his brother. And Inu-Yasha was a half-demon. Of course you should be bewared of a demon, but I wasn't. It wasn't naivety, I was a child, who was saved by a demon. Can you be angry towards a person who has saved you? Sometimes I didn't think his deed as a good one, but we always have our doubts.
" Do you love your brother? " I inquired. He had never said he hated Inu- Yasha, but he hadn't said he loved him either. They had different mothers, but it didn't mean they couldn't be close to each other. I didn't know much about demons. They were something you are supposed to fear. I was lacking fear. After I met Sesshou-maru I always thought that every demon has its good sides. Some demons love their brothers, some demons love a mortal. Some demons love life itself. Can something thoroughly evil be able to love? I don't know, I am not thoroughly evil. And how can you know someone is thoroughly evil? All the demons aren't only evil. Sesshou-maru isn't. I am doing it again. Perhaps Miroku is right. I think too much.
" It depends what you mean by love. Inu-Yasha isn't delighted to see me. "
It was Sesshou-maru's only answer. I didn't ask again. I supposed he didn't know himself. Now it's already too late. Maybe it was already too late when Inu-Yasha was still alive. And Inu-Yasha's opinion about his brother is a mystery that can never be solved. I guess he was just as confused as Sesshou-maru. And I know Sesshou-maru is confused. You can't see it if you don't look into his eyes with him looking back. I have looked into his eyes just like Kagome looked into Inu-Yasha's. Poor Kagome... I never got to know her. Miroku says she was always happy and smiling. I saw her twenty years ago when I was a little child and I remember she was pretty. Miroku kept saying she was even prettier when she smiled that kind smile of hers. I always wanted that Miroku would say to someone that I was even prettier when I smiled. I don't know if he did.
Kagome. She isn't here anymore. She was so young. Only fifteen. It is sad how death ended to be her destiny. Why didn't Sesshou-maru save her with Tenseiga like he saved me? Doesn't Tenseiga have ability to do things considered almost miracles? So why couldn't he save young Kagome? I feel sorry for a person I hardly knew. Miroku says it isn't weird. Those events were engraved into his mind, too. And Kagome was an important part of that memory. If there had been another way, if we had known... I told you Miroku has been talking to me like I was Sango. I have little by little accepted Sango's memories to be mine. Once in a while I forget I am Rin, not Sango. I think about Kagome and Inu-Yasha, Sango's little brother Kohaku and even Miroku like I was Sango. I feel sadness, happiness, all those feelings I thought Sango would have felt. And I am also sane. My feelings are strong and it isn't always good. Just like Miroku warns me not to think too much he warns me not to worry too much. I am a born worrier.
I have started to feel Sesshou-maru's feelings, too. I know him enough well to do that. I feel those same confused feelings Sesshou-maru has towards Inu-Yasha. I think about his sword Tenseiga and its power to cure death. I think how I saved Rin, myself. I am a little afraid of that. Maybe I am imagining all those feelings. Or then I am only a good judge of human nature. Maybe both. Miroku has told me that Kikyo's little sister Kaede was amazing in that. She could tell right away who to trust. She was enough old for that. I wish I had known her better. I met her once before she died when Miroku and I visited her village. It was when I gave birth to Akira. Miroku was in better shape than now. He carried me half the way to the village because I couldn't even stand anymore. Kaede helped me to bring Akira to this world. Miroku collapsed. I laughed to it when I first time held Akira. Miroku needed Kaede's help more than I did. I picked on him for years. Even Sesshou-maru smiled to it when I told him. It wasn't a real one, but when he saw Akira, I saw a real, happy smile on his face. It was only a little smile that disappeared quickly, and he even tried to hide it from me. I sensed he was even more confused than usually. He told me not expect he would attend Akira's raising anyhow. He told me to trust Miroku.
Sesshou-maru kept his promise. Akira saw him only rarely. Akira was a half- demon, so I was hoping someone could tell him about being one. I wanted Akira to be more like human than a demon, but I couldn't deny the existence of his demon side. Sesshou-maru knows something about half-demons, Inu- Yasha was hanoyu after all. The only advice I got from Sesshou-maru was to raise Akira with my heart. I was surprised to hear those words. It wasn't like Sesshou-maru I had got used to. This was the same Sesshou-maru who loved his little brother. He has two sides, both too mystical to explain completely. I bet I am the first one to try. Also Sesshou-maru seems to think I use too much time inside my head. No, that's not what he said. He said I use too much time inside my heart.
I decided to take Sesshou-maru's words seriously and raised Akira with my heart. He was a curious child full of energy. He was always asking me things. What is that flower? Where does sun go by nights? I answered everything and taught him everything about nature. I didn't know all flowers names or how nature survived over winters. I taught about nature with my heart. I taught him to understand and listen to it, not to think nature only as a bunch of named pieces of flora. I hope I succeeded. Akira seemed to understand my teachings better than Miroku. Miroku didn't say it out loud, but I know he didn't want to bother himself. Nature worked of its own, so why to make it complicated? He doesn't want to touch subjects he can't truly affect. Our cottage is on the slope of a mountain surrounded by huge trees. There is enough nature for him.
Something I wanted Akira to learn, was to appreciate Japanese landscape. I often sat somewhere and looked down at the deep forest below. I watched the trees and the mountains. I have seen the landscape changing for twenty years. I knew exactly where to look to find the smoke spirals coming from Kaede's village. Miroku told me to sketch the view I loved so much. I painted one picture. I was thirteen or fourteen, I didn't pay attention to aging. The picture is on the wall of my bedroom. I started to do it in the evening because I wanted to paint a sunset. I didn't finish it before the darkness came, so I used many short events doing it when the sun was in right place. The clouds were always in different places, but it wasn't a problem. The colours and the sun were more important. I didn't forget the smoke spirals. I am not a talent when speaking of arts and it can be seen in my work. About ten years before it was a real piece of art. Now that I think it is rough. But the colours are magnificent. I am still wondering how I caught all those hues of red, blue and yellow. Miroku says he wasn't surprised about my use of colours.
" I knew it would look like that when you started to do it", he said to me some time ago. I threw a piercing stare at him.
" You mean primitive? " I asked dryly.
" I meant the colours ", he answered rolling his eyes in a very innocent way. I sighed.
" Thank you very much, Miroku -sama. "
" No, I really meant the colours. Why do you always think I'm judging you, Rin-chan? "
Miroku had that jesting smile on his face again. I know he is a monk, very two-parted one, but I still hope he could show his energy more often. Pieces of it remain somewhere behind his cool mask. He was a handsome young man. Twenty years ago. He didn't look that attractive anymore. I could use that against him. I am good in finding weaknesses.
" Well, it was your first work anyway ", he established with a sound of nostalgia in his voice. I looked at the picture. Yes, it was my first work and yes, it was rough. But it made me remember how I felt as a teenager. It was very precious to me and I had to protect it from Miroku's judging.
" The sun is too big, your 'smoke spirals' are too far away and that tree over there is in a wrong place, but the colours are good ", Miroku said.
" Miroku-sama! "
" I didn't say I don't like it. "
Akira was too liveful and curious to sit in a one place for long times. He didn't sit down and watch the landscapes with me, but he spent a lot of time examining my painting. Like Miroku he remembers all the mistakes I made when doing that picture. I used my own landscape as a teaching tool.
" The persons contours are rough, but the colours are good. "
" So you mean that no-one is perfect? " he said with eyes wide open.
" Yes, and everyone has his or her good sides. "
I never used the word 'human' when I taught Akira. It was something I wasn't sure about. Humans understand other humans, demons other demons. Who was Akira supposed understand? He could never be like a full human, neither like a full demon. He didn't have any friends. We only visited Kaede's village if we needed something special. Akira was with us, but other children were afraid of him because he looked different. Akira was more afraid of them. Akira was watching from apart their playing. I think it is also my fault Akira didn't have any friends. Parents knew Sesshou-maru and they knew Akira was his son. And I was a bad woman who had fell in love with a demon. I wouldn't have helped if I had said I wasn't in love with Sesshou-maru. As long as he was a demon it didn't matter what I said. I asked children and Akira if they wanted to play with each other, but Miroku told me to give up. If they wanted to be friends they wouldn't need me. It was this Miroku's 'the-nature-won't-need-us' -syndrome again. Sometimes it made me a little angry. I have to say Miroku was right about Akira.
There were humans, but Sesshou-maru was the only demon Akira saw. I was a little worried that Akira would have problems when he grew up. He would go through a fight between human and demon side of his. My talk about home and love wouldn't help and I knew it. I was a human and my place had been with other humans until I met Sesshou-maru. It was my decision but Akira couldn't decide. He didn't belong anywhere and he noticed it very early. He might be as confused as Sesshou-maru. I felt already bad because I couldn't help Akira with that since I am a full human. I don't know about demons. Only about Sesshou-maru. Miroku didn't know how to help but he was supporting us both so we weren't alone with it.
I don't have that problem anymore. Akira is dead and he isn't coming back. I wanted him to have a good life, if it is even possible for hanyou. I want to believe it is possible. In a battle there are losers and winners. Which one is my poor Akira? Was he saved from an uncertain future or was a good future taken away from him? I may never now. There are too many things I will never find out. Life is too perishable and mystical to compare with something as simple as battle. You can't compare life with anything. Except with another life.
I shouldn't think about this. I don't see the difference between small and understandable things and too big and unexplained things. I should finally listen to Miroku and Sesshou-maru...
____________________________________________________________________________ ____
A/N: There it was. I have to say it's not easy to write this so don't expect me to put these chapters here very quickly ^^' Please review *bow*
Another btw, you can see who's telling the story in every chapter.
Disclaimer: Me don't own Inu-Yasha. But do I own his reincarnation?
Chapter 1 Unexplained things
Rin
You can't really say that life is a one great battle. In a battle there are losers and winners. Life can't be explained so easily. You can always practice for battles and you can learn from your mistakes. In life you can only learn from your mistakes. We are not given a chance to practice, we can't choose between two simple alternatives: fight or escape. The only way to escape life is death, sometimes it is even the best chance you have, but it is not the same as withdrawing from a battle.
This is only my opinion, but I have noticed I am not so wrong after all. Miroku often says to me I think way too much. I can't help it, but he obviously thinks he can. He couldn't save Sango, but he is concerned he can save me. From what? Thinking too much? No-one can 'save' me from it. Maybe I need it. Which is bless, ability to think or ability to avoid deeper brain activity? Actually this thinking-obsess of mine is from Miroku. He taught me to think. He wasn't expecting me to go 'this far'. Most of the people are interested in their property, family or status. Villagers from the forest near our cottage don't have so much property to care of which makes it more valuable. If you want your family to have enough food you have to look carefully after your property. Some people have only their families. Like me. I have never cared about property or status. And now I am starting to doubt if even family-life is meant for me.
I am still searching for my place in this world. When I heard about place where to belong I thought it meant home. It actually is same as home, I see it now. With home I don't mean a house with four walls and a roof. It is something where you want to spent rest of your life. Except if you find another place you love just as much. Home also means people you love the most. For me it was Miroku and our little cottage in the forest middle of Japan. I wanted to spend there the rest of my life.
When Miroku took me, he promised to take good care of me. He didn't let Sesshou-maru to do that. Maybe Sesshou-maru didn't even want. I have never asked him. And I shouldn't bother doing it because the answer would be something I can't draw conclusions from. Miroku is different. He sure is warm-hearted. I didn't know about his fame as a charmer of women. I don't know if Sesshou-maru did. But Miroku's interest towards women disappeared with Sango. Even I was a little girl I somehow guessed he liked Sango, or can I call it love? And I noticed that Sango's death changed something in him. Maybe that's why Sesshou-maru wasn't afraid of giving me to Miroku. Anyway, Miroku is treating me very well, but I am not sure how to react to that. First, when I was little, I thought him as a somekind of a father. Then when I grew up I thought he was in love with me and I thought his overflowing kindness as a normal way to show love. Now I know better. Now he is like a father again.
It is weird how I never kept Sesshou-maru as my father. I guess it is because he was no like father at all. He wasn't even like a big brother. He hardly smiled at me, but I was a child who hadn't learned to think yet, so I just instinctually knew he cared. To be that innocent again... It is so amazing how children just know some things. Well, I knew. I don't know about other children. Akira is very much like me. He hardly saw his father. But he loved Miroku. And I thought Miroku loved me as a wife or a lifemate.
When years passed I realized it wasn't the case. The older I got the more he spoke about his past and journey with Inu-Yasha and Kagome. He remembers everything like it had happened yesterday. I have seen that shady look in his eyes sometimes. It is nothing I can change and it is bothering me. He thinks me as Sango. Unconsciously, of course. He treats me the way he would have treated Sango, talks about things they both attended like I had been there. He even called me Sango once. It was in the middle of his sentence and I wouldn't have noticed it if Akira hadn't said it to me. Maybe I look like Sango. We both have long black hair but most of the Japanese woman do, so ...
Miroku is fully sane and quite healthy. I decided not to worry too much about it. No matter how hard I try to not to think about it I can't help worrying over Miroku. I am afraid he can lose his mind if this continues like this. I knew one woman who lived in her past. Her husband had died from demons hand but the woman kept living like her husband was alive. All the men she saw reminded her from him. Miroku knows I am not Sango. He just can't hide that in fact he wants Sango here. As far as I know, he never even told her. About his feelings, I mean.
Miroku is a good friend. He has been taking care of me and Akira. He even accepts Akira as a half-demon, which everyone can't do. That is something I truly appreciate. I wonder if it was like this if Miroku had never met Inu- Yasha. Well, Miroku hadn't probably met me without Inu-Yasha. I don't know if they got along so well. What I have heard from Miroku, they actually got along pretty well after all. Or Miroku got along, Inu-Yasha didn't. I can imagine hot-tempered Inu-Yasha trying to argue with cool and polite Miroku. He is like a father-character to Akira. Sesshou-maru wouldn't be so good model of a man. I admit that. And that isn't only my opinion. I am grateful to Miroku he doesn't care Sesshou-maru is Akira's father. They haven't spoken to each other after what happened. It is so hard to believe it happened only twenty years ago. It seems like a lifetime.
Miroku has got older. He is lucky to be alive. He survived from devouring to the vortex in his hand because of Naraku's death, but it took some power from him. He fought mentally hard to avoid that curse. Its disappearing was a relief, but it still affects him. His step is more careful than before. He looks down when he climbs stairs and uses a club more often. He was so full of energy and now he's just a shadow of his past. I think I can blame Sango. What makes me blame Naraku. That name still makes me shiver. We have hardly mentioned his name during these years. I have told Akira about him. It feels like Naraku is listening even though I know he is long gone. Dead like the others. Like Akira now. And I say Miroku talks like Sango is alive. Some things are hard to understand. Some things can't be changed. Like death. I am used to death. It has always been part of my life.
" You are not completely happy before you are dead. " Back then I didn't agree with Sesshou-maru. Is it ten years? Or more? " But doesn't happiness depend on a person? " I asked. I wanted to believe that everyone could have a good life with people he or she loves. I considered 'love' and 'happiness' as synonymies. " Happiness depends on a person, love doesn't ", Sesshou-maru answered with that dark and dry voice of his looking me like he didn't want to talk about that subject. I wanted to ask what he knows about love, but I didn't. I knew what he would answer. Love doesn't depend on a person. I didn't understand him. There are only few who can. Or I think there are. I have never met anyone.. Most of the people think him as a cold-blooded killer. That in fact he is a demon makes people suspicious. I didn't understand that either. Miroku and his friends liked Inu-Yasha, but not his brother. And Inu-Yasha was a half-demon. Of course you should be bewared of a demon, but I wasn't. It wasn't naivety, I was a child, who was saved by a demon. Can you be angry towards a person who has saved you? Sometimes I didn't think his deed as a good one, but we always have our doubts.
" Do you love your brother? " I inquired. He had never said he hated Inu- Yasha, but he hadn't said he loved him either. They had different mothers, but it didn't mean they couldn't be close to each other. I didn't know much about demons. They were something you are supposed to fear. I was lacking fear. After I met Sesshou-maru I always thought that every demon has its good sides. Some demons love their brothers, some demons love a mortal. Some demons love life itself. Can something thoroughly evil be able to love? I don't know, I am not thoroughly evil. And how can you know someone is thoroughly evil? All the demons aren't only evil. Sesshou-maru isn't. I am doing it again. Perhaps Miroku is right. I think too much.
" It depends what you mean by love. Inu-Yasha isn't delighted to see me. "
It was Sesshou-maru's only answer. I didn't ask again. I supposed he didn't know himself. Now it's already too late. Maybe it was already too late when Inu-Yasha was still alive. And Inu-Yasha's opinion about his brother is a mystery that can never be solved. I guess he was just as confused as Sesshou-maru. And I know Sesshou-maru is confused. You can't see it if you don't look into his eyes with him looking back. I have looked into his eyes just like Kagome looked into Inu-Yasha's. Poor Kagome... I never got to know her. Miroku says she was always happy and smiling. I saw her twenty years ago when I was a little child and I remember she was pretty. Miroku kept saying she was even prettier when she smiled that kind smile of hers. I always wanted that Miroku would say to someone that I was even prettier when I smiled. I don't know if he did.
Kagome. She isn't here anymore. She was so young. Only fifteen. It is sad how death ended to be her destiny. Why didn't Sesshou-maru save her with Tenseiga like he saved me? Doesn't Tenseiga have ability to do things considered almost miracles? So why couldn't he save young Kagome? I feel sorry for a person I hardly knew. Miroku says it isn't weird. Those events were engraved into his mind, too. And Kagome was an important part of that memory. If there had been another way, if we had known... I told you Miroku has been talking to me like I was Sango. I have little by little accepted Sango's memories to be mine. Once in a while I forget I am Rin, not Sango. I think about Kagome and Inu-Yasha, Sango's little brother Kohaku and even Miroku like I was Sango. I feel sadness, happiness, all those feelings I thought Sango would have felt. And I am also sane. My feelings are strong and it isn't always good. Just like Miroku warns me not to think too much he warns me not to worry too much. I am a born worrier.
I have started to feel Sesshou-maru's feelings, too. I know him enough well to do that. I feel those same confused feelings Sesshou-maru has towards Inu-Yasha. I think about his sword Tenseiga and its power to cure death. I think how I saved Rin, myself. I am a little afraid of that. Maybe I am imagining all those feelings. Or then I am only a good judge of human nature. Maybe both. Miroku has told me that Kikyo's little sister Kaede was amazing in that. She could tell right away who to trust. She was enough old for that. I wish I had known her better. I met her once before she died when Miroku and I visited her village. It was when I gave birth to Akira. Miroku was in better shape than now. He carried me half the way to the village because I couldn't even stand anymore. Kaede helped me to bring Akira to this world. Miroku collapsed. I laughed to it when I first time held Akira. Miroku needed Kaede's help more than I did. I picked on him for years. Even Sesshou-maru smiled to it when I told him. It wasn't a real one, but when he saw Akira, I saw a real, happy smile on his face. It was only a little smile that disappeared quickly, and he even tried to hide it from me. I sensed he was even more confused than usually. He told me not expect he would attend Akira's raising anyhow. He told me to trust Miroku.
Sesshou-maru kept his promise. Akira saw him only rarely. Akira was a half- demon, so I was hoping someone could tell him about being one. I wanted Akira to be more like human than a demon, but I couldn't deny the existence of his demon side. Sesshou-maru knows something about half-demons, Inu- Yasha was hanoyu after all. The only advice I got from Sesshou-maru was to raise Akira with my heart. I was surprised to hear those words. It wasn't like Sesshou-maru I had got used to. This was the same Sesshou-maru who loved his little brother. He has two sides, both too mystical to explain completely. I bet I am the first one to try. Also Sesshou-maru seems to think I use too much time inside my head. No, that's not what he said. He said I use too much time inside my heart.
I decided to take Sesshou-maru's words seriously and raised Akira with my heart. He was a curious child full of energy. He was always asking me things. What is that flower? Where does sun go by nights? I answered everything and taught him everything about nature. I didn't know all flowers names or how nature survived over winters. I taught about nature with my heart. I taught him to understand and listen to it, not to think nature only as a bunch of named pieces of flora. I hope I succeeded. Akira seemed to understand my teachings better than Miroku. Miroku didn't say it out loud, but I know he didn't want to bother himself. Nature worked of its own, so why to make it complicated? He doesn't want to touch subjects he can't truly affect. Our cottage is on the slope of a mountain surrounded by huge trees. There is enough nature for him.
Something I wanted Akira to learn, was to appreciate Japanese landscape. I often sat somewhere and looked down at the deep forest below. I watched the trees and the mountains. I have seen the landscape changing for twenty years. I knew exactly where to look to find the smoke spirals coming from Kaede's village. Miroku told me to sketch the view I loved so much. I painted one picture. I was thirteen or fourteen, I didn't pay attention to aging. The picture is on the wall of my bedroom. I started to do it in the evening because I wanted to paint a sunset. I didn't finish it before the darkness came, so I used many short events doing it when the sun was in right place. The clouds were always in different places, but it wasn't a problem. The colours and the sun were more important. I didn't forget the smoke spirals. I am not a talent when speaking of arts and it can be seen in my work. About ten years before it was a real piece of art. Now that I think it is rough. But the colours are magnificent. I am still wondering how I caught all those hues of red, blue and yellow. Miroku says he wasn't surprised about my use of colours.
" I knew it would look like that when you started to do it", he said to me some time ago. I threw a piercing stare at him.
" You mean primitive? " I asked dryly.
" I meant the colours ", he answered rolling his eyes in a very innocent way. I sighed.
" Thank you very much, Miroku -sama. "
" No, I really meant the colours. Why do you always think I'm judging you, Rin-chan? "
Miroku had that jesting smile on his face again. I know he is a monk, very two-parted one, but I still hope he could show his energy more often. Pieces of it remain somewhere behind his cool mask. He was a handsome young man. Twenty years ago. He didn't look that attractive anymore. I could use that against him. I am good in finding weaknesses.
" Well, it was your first work anyway ", he established with a sound of nostalgia in his voice. I looked at the picture. Yes, it was my first work and yes, it was rough. But it made me remember how I felt as a teenager. It was very precious to me and I had to protect it from Miroku's judging.
" The sun is too big, your 'smoke spirals' are too far away and that tree over there is in a wrong place, but the colours are good ", Miroku said.
" Miroku-sama! "
" I didn't say I don't like it. "
Akira was too liveful and curious to sit in a one place for long times. He didn't sit down and watch the landscapes with me, but he spent a lot of time examining my painting. Like Miroku he remembers all the mistakes I made when doing that picture. I used my own landscape as a teaching tool.
" The persons contours are rough, but the colours are good. "
" So you mean that no-one is perfect? " he said with eyes wide open.
" Yes, and everyone has his or her good sides. "
I never used the word 'human' when I taught Akira. It was something I wasn't sure about. Humans understand other humans, demons other demons. Who was Akira supposed understand? He could never be like a full human, neither like a full demon. He didn't have any friends. We only visited Kaede's village if we needed something special. Akira was with us, but other children were afraid of him because he looked different. Akira was more afraid of them. Akira was watching from apart their playing. I think it is also my fault Akira didn't have any friends. Parents knew Sesshou-maru and they knew Akira was his son. And I was a bad woman who had fell in love with a demon. I wouldn't have helped if I had said I wasn't in love with Sesshou-maru. As long as he was a demon it didn't matter what I said. I asked children and Akira if they wanted to play with each other, but Miroku told me to give up. If they wanted to be friends they wouldn't need me. It was this Miroku's 'the-nature-won't-need-us' -syndrome again. Sometimes it made me a little angry. I have to say Miroku was right about Akira.
There were humans, but Sesshou-maru was the only demon Akira saw. I was a little worried that Akira would have problems when he grew up. He would go through a fight between human and demon side of his. My talk about home and love wouldn't help and I knew it. I was a human and my place had been with other humans until I met Sesshou-maru. It was my decision but Akira couldn't decide. He didn't belong anywhere and he noticed it very early. He might be as confused as Sesshou-maru. I felt already bad because I couldn't help Akira with that since I am a full human. I don't know about demons. Only about Sesshou-maru. Miroku didn't know how to help but he was supporting us both so we weren't alone with it.
I don't have that problem anymore. Akira is dead and he isn't coming back. I wanted him to have a good life, if it is even possible for hanyou. I want to believe it is possible. In a battle there are losers and winners. Which one is my poor Akira? Was he saved from an uncertain future or was a good future taken away from him? I may never now. There are too many things I will never find out. Life is too perishable and mystical to compare with something as simple as battle. You can't compare life with anything. Except with another life.
I shouldn't think about this. I don't see the difference between small and understandable things and too big and unexplained things. I should finally listen to Miroku and Sesshou-maru...
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A/N: There it was. I have to say it's not easy to write this so don't expect me to put these chapters here very quickly ^^' Please review *bow*
