Sorry about the long wait, folks, but my story was completely erased.  I had to start all over.  In addition, it was finals week at school, and, well, you know how that can be…  Anyway, the LOZ: TRS corporation is proud to present you: The wonderful, the MAGNIFICENT…………………………The Legend of Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time (insert triumphant music) BA DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

This story, along with several others, will be some of my best fanfics, so NO FLAMES!  I do ask however, that you Read & Review.  Please offer some helpful criticism (I guess it really wouldn't be criticism, would it?) to make this story more enjoyable for everyone.  Okay, I guess you're tired of me blabbing, so I'll go ahead and start.
Oh, yeah, it's my first script format, but I've learned from the best, so it should be good!  Also, if I get writers block and run out of ideas, I can always substitute the plot for a bit of randomness.  :-D Okay, here we go (for real this time).

(You see a blank, white room, like the loading program on The Matrix.  Jacoman52 is seen sitting in a comfortable-looking, dark red recliner.  He is wearing a fancy, forest green shirt, and black pants.  A black laptop is sitting in his lap.)

Jacoman52: Good evening, good morning, or good afternoon, whichever the case may be.  You see nothing before you but my words, because nothing else has been written.  Anyway, I don't need to give you an introduction, since you already have one.  Let's go to the auditorium.

SFX: WHOOSH!

(You are sitting in a GIGANTIC theater.  There is a clear screen in front of each of the rows. They magnify the stage so everyone can see it clearly.) 

Jacoman52: I have to go up to my office now.  I'll be running things from there.  I'll leave you in the hands of my trusted friend, the Director. (Disappears)

(The Director walks out onto the stage from stage left, and addresses the crowd

Director: Hello, everyone!  Welcome to the show!  Have a seat, make yourselves comfortable, and, to ensure a more enjoyable experience, please follow this list of short, simple rules: (Pulls out a list, and it unrolls itself until it is about nine feet long.  He reads the list.)

No running, No sleeping, No being an annoyance, No smoking, No drinking items that weren't purchased here, No eating items that weren't purchased here…

(…15 minutes later…)

…65. No Public Display of Affection,

66. Please turn your cell phones off,

67. No booing,

And, finally,

68. If you have small children, please keep them quiet.  If you need assistance, our ushers will escort you to our special section for noisy babies.

Director: Thank you for your cooperation. Our ushers will help you if you need anything.  Restrooms and snack bars are to the left and right.  Please enjoy the show!

(The Director walks offstage, and the lights dim.  The camera zooms in on the stage.  We see darkness for a moment, and then light appears.  Slowly, scene 1 comes into view…)

Chapter 1: Green Beginnings

Act 1, Scene 1-The Kokiri Forest

Characters:

Link: Boy Hero

Navi: Guardian fairy

Saria: Link's best friend

Mido: Bossy Loser

GDT: Great Deku Tree- Forest Guardian

Kokiri 1: Girl on the roof of the shop

Kokiri 2: Shopkeeper

Kokiri 3: Boy in forest training area

Kokiri 4: Boy picking up rocks

Kokiri 5: Boy cutting grass

Weasels 1 & 2: Deadly vermin from Heck

(The Great Deku Tree's Meadow appears.  The GDT is mumbling to himself)

GDT: Long have I been guardian of this for-

Navi: Cut it you oversized toothpick!  We've already had one long, boring introduction, so we don't need another one.

GDT: Fine!  Be that way!  But you still have to…

Navi: Yeah, yeah, wake up the kid, bring him here, and save the world.

GDT: Navi!  You've been reading ahead in the script again, haven't you?

Navi: (Blushes) Well, uh, I mean… Oh, I don't have time for this! (Flies off)

(Navi flies into Kokiri Forest.  We see Kokiri milling about, doing whatever Kokiri do on a bright, sunny afternoon.  Navi is not as cheery as the Kokiri are)

Navi: Move it, bucko!  Geez, you'd think these Kokiri would have a little respect for a guardian fairy, especially one who is about to help save the- OW! (Bumps into a fence) $#%^!!  I am NOT having a good day!  Now, let's see.  Which one was it?  Ah!  That one!  (Flies into Link's tree house) OKAY, KID, RISE AND SHINE! THE GREAT DEKU TREE WANTS TO SEE YOU!

Link: *Snore!*

Navi: Oh, great.  Can Hyrule's destiny really lie on the shoulders of such a lazy boy? 

COME ON BUDDY, WAKE UP NOW! *Pause* WWWAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!

Link: *Snore!*

Navi: Grrr… (Takes out a tuba and plays a really loud, low note.)

SFX: BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Link: *Snore!*

Navi: (Turns red with anger) WAKE UP, YOU STUPID… Hey, wait a minute!  I've got it!

(Meanwhile, someone else is not having such a good day, either.  The camera trains on Link, lying in bed.  He begins shivering and moaning.  What could possibly be wrong?)

(A/N: The following is what is called a "dream sequence."  You will find many in this fic, so when you see these symbols: *~*~*, someone is having a dream, a flashback, or a vision.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                                          (Insert dreamy chimes and bells)

(We see Link standing in front of a castle.  Rain is pouring down, and peals of thunder boom and crash through the storm.  A flash lightning lights up the cloudy sky.  The drawbridge slowly opens.  A white horse comes charging out.  Two women are riding on it.  One is about 30 or 40; the other is about ten, Link's age.  The younger girl throws something into the castle moat.  The horse rides off.  Another horse comes out.  A black one.  Its rider is ugly and evil looking.  The horse stops, and the man turns to Link.)

Link: (Stands quivering)

Rider: Hehhehheh (Charges up a lightning bolt and throws it at Link)

Link: (eyes widen in terror) *Sniff, Sniff* UUUGGH!  (Wakes up)

Navi: Hehheh.  I knew Mido's boxers would wake him up!

Link: UGH!  What was that?  It smelled almost as bad as Mido's boxers when me and Saria threw them in the pond!

Navi: I believe the correct phrase is "Saria and I."

Link: Who are you?  What do you care how I talk?

Navi: (Forces a cheerful smile) I'm Navi, your new guardian fairy, and it's my job to correct your grammar!  My job is also to take you to the great Deku Tree!  He wants to see you. (Matter-of-factly)

Link: Guardian Fairy? Oh, yeah, that one again.  Listen, fairy, I don't know who sent you, but I'm not falling for it!

Navi: (Agitated) The Great Deku Tree sent me, and I am not playing a trick on you.

Link: The Great Deku Tree?!?!  But I didn't do anything, I swear!

Navi: Nobody said you did Link!  Now let's get going!

Link: Wait a minute.  If I'm not in trouble, then what does the Great Deku Tree want with me?

Navi: I don't know.  Something about a spider, I think.

Link: (Raises an eyebrow in question)

Navi: (Shrugs, even though we can't see it)

Link: Ok. Let's go!

(They leave the tree house.  Link is about to climb down the ladder when he hears a familiar voice calling his name.  We see Saria running towards him.)

Link: Saria!

Saria: Link!

Link: Saria!

Saria: Link!

Link: Sari-

Navi: SHUTUP!

Link & Saria: Sorry.

Saria: So, I hear that the Great Deku Tree wants to see you.  What did you do this time?

Link: I don't know.  Navi here says that he wants me to kill a spider or something.

Saria: Navi?  Oh, this must be your new guardian fairy!  Congratulations! 

Link: Huh?  How did you know all that?

Saria: I bugged your room a year ago.

Link: O.o

Navi: Link, can we please get going?

Link: Okay.  See you later, Saria.

(They walk off towards the GDT's meadow.  Mido stops them at the entrance.)

Mido: Where do you think you're going, Mr. No-fairy?

Link: Back off creep!

Mido: (smirks) You aren't worthy to see the Deku Tree.  You don't even have the proper equipment.  I can't let you through without a sword or a shie-

Link: (Punches Mido in the nose)

Mido: Ugh. (Passes out)

(Link and Navi start walking/flying down the path)

Navi: (Fakey innocent voice) Link!  That wasn't very nice!

Link: (Shrugs) He had it coming.

Navi: (Tries desperately to suppress a laugh) Hehheh.  Yeah, and it was funny too!

Link: I think I'm going to like you, fairy.

(Suddenly, a Deku Baba springs up from the ground.)

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mido: (Stands up) Ugh, What happened? (Sees Link running at him, screaming madly, arms flailing wildly)  Oh, crap.

Link: (accidentally smacks Mido in the head)

Mido: Ugh. (Passes out again)

Link: (Gasps for breath)

Navi:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  You are pathetic, kid! 

Link: Hey!  It was about to eat me!

Navi: Sorry.  I'm usually hyper and perky, but I haven't had my coffee yet.

Link: *sniff* It's okay… I guess…

Navi:  Mido was right.  You need better equipment.  The Kokiri shop sells shields, and there's a sword around here somewhere.  Lets see if we can find it.

Link: Okay!  I have money in my tunic.  Let's get a shield first, and then we can look for the sword.

(They walk to the shop in all their youthful innocence, not knowing what dangers lurk in the shadows…)

(Scene: In the shadows)

Weasel 1: (High-pitched Mafia voice) Hey, Bernie, it's a kid!  Do ya tink we should rob 'im and strip 'im of 'is moichandise?

Weasel 2 (Bernie): (Deeper Mafia voice) Na, let's wait an' see what he does, Fred

(The weasels sit, watching Link intently, when suddenly…)

Fred: Eep!

Bernie, What da heck?  Fred, where didjas go?  Eep!

(Two strong hands reach down and pick Bernie up)

(Meanwhile…)

Kokiri 1:  Hey, Link!  Up here!  If you ever want to talk to someone far away, use your fairy!  Press "Z" to target someone, and "B" to talk!

Link: What is she talking about?

Navi: Beats me

(They walk into the shop)

Kokiri 2: Yeah, whaddya want?

Link: you got any glazed donuts?

Kokiri 2: No! We're outta glazed donuts!

Link: You got any jelly donuts?

K2: No! We're outta jelly donuts!

Link: You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts!?

K2: No! We're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!!

Link: You got any apple fritters?!?

K2: NO! We're outta apple fritters!!!

Link: YOU GOT ANY CINNAMON ROLLS!?!?!

K2: NO!  WE'RE OUTTA CINNAON ROLLS!!!!

Link: YOU GOT ANY BEAR CLAWS!?!?!?!?!?!

K2: Wait a minute. I'll go check.

(Link stands patiently for a moment, then Kokiri 2 walks out)

K2: No, we're outta bear claws!

Link: In that case, what DO you have?

K2: All I got right now is this one box of half a dozen, starving, crazed weasels.  Well, actually, there's only two.  These things are pretty popular these days!

Link: Okay, I'll take that.

K2: (Hands Link the box)

Link: (Opens the lid)

Weasels: (Jump out, latch themselves onto Link's face and start eating him alive.)

Link: AAAAAHHH! OOOOHHH! AAACCKK!!  GET 'EM OFF ME!!!!!!

(Runs out of the shop screaming)

Weasels: (Steal Link's money)

Link: (Gasping for breath.)  I cannot believe I just did that

Navi: It wasn't your fault.  The author of this fic has a sick mind.

Link: Huh? Author? Fic?  What are you talking about?

Navi: I'll explain it on the way.

Link: On the way where?

Navi: On the way to get you a sword.

Link: Okay, but let's go to Saria's house first.

Navi: Why?

Link: She has hearts.

Navi: Eh…

Link: Come on!

(The two walk/fly to Saria's house as Navi explains the complicated mechanics of a fanfiction to Link.  It is a cozy little cottage with four red hearts lying on the rug.)

Link: (Picks up a heart and eats it)

Navi: EW!  You sicko!  What's the matter with you!  Eating something that was on the floor!  How could you?

Heart: That's the part that disturbs you?

Link & Navi: EEP!

Heart: What?  You eat internal organs but it scares you that they can talk?

Link: Well, er, um, uh, that is…

Heart: You have absolutely no sensitivity to us whatsoever!  Go ahead, eat me!  See if I care!

Link: Okay!  (Eats the heart)

Heart: AAAAAGH!

Link: MMM! Yummy!

Navi: Come on, Link let's go to the forest training area.  I bet the Kokiri there knows where a sword is.

Link: Okay.  (Still munching on a heart) Mmm, crunchy!

(Link and Navi go to the forest training area.  Fence posts, signs, and grass are scattered through the vicinity.)

Link: Hey, there!

Kokiri 3: (Schwartzeneger accent) Ja, vat doo yoo vant?

Link: Do you know where we can find a shield?

Kokiri 3:  Ja! Down dis liddle hole, ja!

Link: Ok!  Thanks!  Navi, you'd better get in my hat.  There won't be enough room for both of us in there.

Navi: (Mumbling) I have to go into the stupid hat.  It's a stupid hat.  Stupid kid.  Stupid Hyrule.  Stupid Deku Tree.  Why'd he have to drag me into this anyway?

Link: What's that, Navi?

Navi: Nothing.  (Flies into Link's hat.)

Link: (Crawls through hole.)

(They come out on the other side of the hole.  A maze with high walls is in front of Link.  A distant rumbling noise is heard.  The noise grows louder.  Link turns around to see a huge boulder bearing down on him.)

Link:  (Eyes widen in fright)

Navi: (flies out) What's all that noi- Oh, sweet goddesses!  Run, Link!

Link: (Runs away from the boulder)

(The chase goes on for a while, with the rock in hot pursuit.  Finally, Link jumps into an open space.  He leans heavily on a block of wood resting there.)

Navi: Link!  You're leaning on a treasure chest!

Link: Huh? Well, what do you know?  (Tries to open the treasure chest.) Grunt! Ugh! Grrr…  I've…got…to…keep…trying…

Navi: (Opens the treasure chest)

Link: Whoa! (Falls in.  Comes out with…)

TA DA DA DAAAAAA!  LINK GOT THE KOKIRI SWORD!  THIS IS AN ANCIENT WEAPON OF THE FOREST, SACRED TO THE KOKIRI, BUT YOU CAN BORROW IT FOR NOW.  GO TO THE EQUIPMENT SUBSCREEN ON THE START MENU, AND PRESS "A" ON THE SWORD TO EQUIP IT.

Link: Cool!

(They leave the maze without much trouble and crawl back through the hole.)

Kokiri 3: Zo, I zee ju got ay zword.

Link: What did he say?

Navi: He said he sees you have a sword.

Link: Oh.

(Link and Navi stay in the forest training area for a while practicing with the sword.  Then they go to see if anyone has some money for a shield.  They go to Saria's house first.)

Kokiri 4: That meany Mido made me pick up the rocks in front of Saria's house!  If you help me, I'll let you keep what you find.

Link: (Cheerfully) Okay!  (Starts picking up rocks)

Navi: Link we don't have much time.  The Great Deku Tree REALLY needs help with that spider problem…

Link: (Smashes a rock, and picks up a rupee that falls out of it)

Navi: O.O

Link: ^-^

(Link smashes more rocks, and collects the rupees that fall out of them.  Then he and Navi walk over to Mido's house.)

Kokiri 5: That jerk Mido is so mean!  He made me cut the grass in front of his house!

Link: Wow.  That's tough.

Kokiri 5: Hey! You have a sword!  You could cut the grass for me!

Link: Okay.

Kokiri: 5: We can split whatever we find 50/50.

Link: (Evil smile) Sure. (Starts cutting grass)

(When they are finished, Link has a handful of blue and green rupees, and Kokiri 5 has two green rupees.)

Kokiri 5: Okay, let's split it.

Link: (Eviler smile) Okay (Swings sword at Kokiri 5)

Kokiri 5: AAAACCKK!  STOP!

Link: (Stops just short of K5's ribcage.)  But you said you wanted to split it 50/50!

Kokiri 5:  (Shaking with fear) N-n-n-never m-m-mind w-what I s-s-s-said.  Y-y-y-you t-take the m-m-money!

Link: Thanks!  You're too generous.  Here, take this.  (Tosses him a green rupee)

Kokiri 5: Th-th-thanks!

(Link walks to the shop, while Navi stares in disbelief at what just happened.  A few seconds later, she regains her senses and catches up with him)

Navi: You little jerk!  No wonder you're always getting into trouble!  I can't believe the Great Deku Tree even wants your help, you snot nosed little brat!

Link: (Shrugs) He deserved it.  He's done worse stuff to me.

Navi: (Snapping) Like what?

Link: Like Mido throwing a flaming bag of poo at Saria's house and when it accidentally lit on fire, he blamed me and the Great Deku Tree believed him, so I was sentenced to a week of solitary confinement.

Navi: O.O

(They reach the shop, and Link counts his rupees.)

Link: …23, 24, 25.  Aw, man!  We're missing five!

Navi:  Let's go ask Saria if we can borrow some of her rupees.

Link: No, we can't.  She just spent them yesterday to buy three more beanie babies to add to her collection.

Navi: …

Link: We can always try the happy stones.

Navi: O.o er…

Link: You like making those little faces, don't you?

Navi: Nah, the author just wants me to have a couple character traits.  He'll give more as the story goes along.  You have them too.

Link: Really?

Navi: Yep.  For instance, you are completely obnoxious and rude to people.

Link: Oh. (Nods his head like he understands) What's an author?

Navi: (Slaps forehead) DOH!

(A/N: Is it possible for Navi to slap her forehead? Does she have a forehead?)

Link: What?

Navi:  You are going to take some work.

Link: Really? Thanks!

Navi: Oi, veh!

(Link and Navi walk to the platforms by the small waterfall.)

Link: See, the sign says that whenever you jump across these stones, you become happy.  I've never tried it.  I always thought I was too small, but hey, it's worth a try!

(We hear a drum roll. Link gets a running start, and then jumps across to the first stone.  He uses his momentum to make it to the second one.  He keeps going, and jumps to the third.  The drum roll finishes with a loud clash of cymbals.)

Link: I did it! Yay!

(Balloons and confetti fall from the sky.  "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" plays in the background, and a single blue rupee drops from the sky and hits Link on the head.)

Link: Ow!  (Picks up rupee!) Okay, let's go!

(Link and Navi walk/fly back to the Kokiri shop.  Meanwhile, two furry heads poke out of some nearby bushes)

Fred: (Mafia accent) Hey, Bernie, are you tinkin what ah'm tinkin?

Bernie: (Deeper Mafia accent) I tink ah'm tinkin what your tinkin.

(The weasels rush out of the bushes and grab as many balloons as they can carry, and then race towards the Kokiri forest exit.)

(Back to Link and Navi)

Kokiri 2: Yeah, whaddya want?

Link: Got any… Deku shields?

Kokiri 2: Depends on what you're paying for them.

Link: (Hands over thirty rupees)

Kokiri 2: Here ya go!  (Gives Link the shield) Thank you for shopping at Forests-R-Us, please come again!

YOU GOT THE DEKU SHIELD!  LINK CAN EQUIP IT THE SAME WAY AS THE SWORD.  IT IS NOT A VERY STRONG SHIELD, AND IT CAN BURN IN FIRE, BUT IT'S THE BEST THING YOU CAN HAVE RIGHT NOW, SO DEAL WITH IT!

(Link and Navi walk back to the Great Deku Tree's meadow entrance, and see Mido, who has a large, unattractive bandage on his nose.)

Mido: (Eyes widen in fear) Uh, please, step right this way, sir!  Uh, can I carry anything for you?  Would you like me to escort you to the Great Deku Tree?  (Mido continues carrying on this way until Link shuts him up with another punch in the face.)

Navi:  You, know, you could have just told him to shutup.

Link: Yeah, but it's more fun that way.

Navi: True…

(Suddenly, a Deku Baba springs up in front of them.)

Link: AAAAHH!! Die! (Starts hacking away madly at it.)

Navi: Link!  It's dead!

Link: Die! Die! Die! Di- Oh.  (Picks up the Deku Nuts that popped out of the dead plant.)

YOU GOT DEKU NUTS!  THEY ARE MAGICAL NUTS THAT CAN STUN ENEMIES!  GO TO THE WEAPONS SUBSCREEN ON THE START MENU AND PRESS "C DOWN," "C LEFT," OR "C RIGHT" ON THE ITEM TO EQUIP IT.  YOU CAN EQUIP UP TO THREE "C" ITEMS AT A TIME.  TO USE THE ITEM, PRESS THE BUTTON THAT IT IS EQUIPPED TO.

Link: What on Earth is he talking about?

Navi: Don't ask.

Link: More of that fanfiction stuff?

Navi: Exactly.  Look out!

Link: AGH!  (Starts smacking the Deku Baba that just popped up.  He kills it and gets more Deku Nuts.  They continue forward, and a third Deku Baba springs out of the ground.)

Link: What are these things?!?

Navi: They're called Deku Babas.  If you wait for them to stand up straight, they're easier to kill.

Deku Baba: (Stands up straight.)

Link: (Swings his sword at the stem.)

Deku Baba: EEEEEEK! (Dies)

Link: (Picks up a Deku Stick)

YOU GOT A DEKU STICK!  THIS WEAPON CAN BE USED AS A TORCH, A WEAPON, OR MANY OTHER THINGS.  EQUIP IT BY SETTING IT TO ONE OF THE "C" BUTTONS.

Link: Is he going to do that every time I get a new item?

Navi: Probably.

(Finally, Link and Navi reach the Great Deku Tree.  Little do they know, there adventure is just beginning)

Great Deku Tree: Well, it's about time!  I'm almost dead, thanks to you two!  Link, I have had a curse put on me.  The man from your dreams is bringing a great evil upon this world.  Destiny will soon lie on your shoulders, but I will tell you all about that later.  For now, I need you to break the curse on me.  Do you have enough courage to face this challenge?

Link: Uh, I guess so.

GDT: So be it.  (Opens mouth wide)

Link: O_O No way!  I am NOT going in there!

Navi: Too late! (Shoves him in)

Link: WAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

            Will Link be able to face the challenge?  Will he save the Great Deku Tree?  What are those two weasels up to?  Find the answer to all these questions and more on the next episode of:  The Legend of Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time!

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Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda.  I do not own Nintendo.  If I did, I would be creating multi-million dollar video games instead of writing fanfictions about them.  I also do not own Weird Al Yankovic, or his song "Albuquerque," from which a section of this story came.  I do own my gigantic auditorium, and the two weasels, Bernie and Fred.  I own any demented twists I have made to the storyline of Ocarina of Time.

This has been a Jacoman52 production.