Back again, everyone! Today's date is November 27, 2003. What escapade is Link up to this time? Well, if you stop reading this introduction, I'm sure you'll find out.
(Scene: Auditorium. The audience is getting tired from having to wait so long.)
Director: (Walks out on stage) Good evening, ladies and gentleman!
Audience: Waah?!? (Wake up)
Director: (Grins broadly) When we last left our hero, he was about to charge boldly into the depths of the Goron City. What horrors, beauties, and wonders await him there? If you stop listening to me blabber, I'm sure you'll find out.
(As the curtain opens, there are various murmurs from the audience such as, "Who is that guy?" and "Where have I seen him before?")
Chapter 5- Dodongo Doom
Act 1, Scene 5- Goron City
Characters:
Link: Boy Hero
Navi: Guardian Fairy
Darunia: Big Brother of the Gorons
Great Fairy of Power: Supernatural Prostitute
Ganondorf: King of the Gerudos
Bernie & Fred: Mafia weasels
Random Gorons
Random Bad Guys
(Link rolls into Goron City. He immediately leaps up into a fighter stance, looking around wildly. Gorons stop what they are doing and stare at him strangely.)
Link: (Glances around nervously, then grabs the nearest Goron and holds the Kokiri Sword to his throat) Take me to your leader NOW!
Goron 1: Uh… okay. (Grabs Link by the arm and slings him at hurricane force towards the bottom floor of Goron City, which is a LONG way down. Before he hits the ground, he bounces off the giant Goron-shaped pot on the floor.)
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- oof!- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!
SFX: Crunch!
Link: Ow…
Navi: Oh, goddesses, Link! Are you okay?
Link: Unh… I think I broke my pelvis.
Navi: Oh no!
Link: And six ribs.
Navi: Oh my!
Link: And my legs.
Navi: Oh goodness!
Link: And my neck.
Navi: Oh well.
Link: (Sits up) Oh well!?! I can barely move, and all you can say is "Oh well!?!?!?!"
Navi: Well, you can move.
Link: (Stands up) I don't have to take this from you! (Walks off, then shouts back over his shoulder) I CAN FIND THE SPIRITUAL STONE BY MYSELF!
(After about ten minutes of wandering around, Link makes his way back to Navi, who has simply asked a nearby Goron for directions.)
Link: Uh, Navi?
Navi: Yes, Link?
Link: Where is Darunia's room?
Navi: Say, "I'm a stupid loser."
Link: You're a stupid loser.
Navi: (Points) That door. Play Zelda's Lullaby.
Link: ….^….….….^…. Doooo dee daaaaah, Doooo dee daaaaah!!!
(Link plays Zelda's Lullaby, and the stone door rises into the ceiling with a loud rumble.)
Link: (Walks through the doorway and down a short corridor. At the end is a room with a large, muscular Goron standing in it.)
Darunia (AKA large, muscular Goron: Oh, great. Not another jester. Here I was, thinking the Royal Messenger has finally come, when they send in some dumb kid with a fairy.
Link: Hey, I'm not dumb!
Navi: Yes, you are.
Darunia: *Sigh* Will you just do your act and go away?
Link: What act?
Darunia: (Stares blankly at Link) Aren't you going to sing or something?
Link: I can't sing.
Darunia: (Rolls eyes) Is this some kind of joke, kid? The other Gorons tell you I'm locked up in my room all depressed, and they grab you and throw you in here to cheer me up? Is that it?
Navi: Well, you got the throwing part right. We sort of skipped the telling.
Link: Ooh! I love throw and tell! Okay, what am I throwing? (Acts like he's throwing a baseball)
Darunia: (Raises an eyebrow) You are quite possibly the worst jester I've ever seen. (To himself) Although, there was that guy from Texas A&M…
Link: Aww, come on! Don't give up that easy! (Playfully shoves Darunia)
Darunia: (Grabs Link's arm and twists it into a Judo wristlock)
Link: (Whimpers in pain)
Darunia: (Releases Link) Stupid kid! If you can't cheer me up, then get outta here!
Link: Grr…
Navi: (Whispers in Link's ear)
Link: O.O What!? That's ridiculous! Who would ever think of that?
Navi: Well, if we had stayed to talk to the other Gorons instead of attacking them, they might have told us.
Link: And how did you know about it?
Navi: (Blushes) Well, um… I, uh…
Link: *Gasp* Navi! You've been reading ahead in the script!
Navi: Okay, okay. Last time, I promise.
Link: It better be.
Darunia: What the heck are you talking about?!?! You guys are insane! Get out of my room! SECURITY!
Link: No, wait! (Puts his Ocarina to his lips and plays Saria's Song)
▼….….….▼….…. Dun da doo, dun da doo!!!
Darunia: Huh? What the? (Foot starts wiggling) Can't…stop!
Navi: Play it again, Link!
Darunia: Oh, Oh, OH! Oh YEAH! What a hot beat!
Navi: Hit it!
(The lights go out, and a spotlight shines on Link and Darunia)
Link: (On Ocarina) Dun da doo!
Darunia: (Singing to Saria's Song in a deep, bass voice) Doo doo dee!
Both: dun da doo dee doo, doo da dee doo daaaaa, da dun da duuuuun!
Navi: (In a soprano voice) Doo doo dee, doo doo dee!
Goron Choir: dun da doo dee doo, doo da deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
(The lights come back to normal, and all the Gorons go on about their business. Link and Darunia sit on the floor, panting.)
Darunia: Wow. That was an awesome song. I wish I had the CD… Anyway, I'm sorry for yelling at you. It's just that I've been so hungry! You see, this slightly discolored man from the desert came and demanded that I give him my Spiritual Stone of Fire. I said no, so he sealed up Dodongo's Cavern with a huge boulder. Now we Gorons can't get in there to eat the tasty and nutritious rock sirloin that we love. I've tried to break the stone, but it wouldn't budge.
Link: If I break it open, will you give me the Spiritual Stone?
Darunia: (Stares at Link. Blinks) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! YOU!?!? YOU open up Dodongo's Cavern!? AND kill all the monsters inside? I'd like to see you try!
Link: I can do it!
Navi: Uh, Link, this might be a little tougher than squashing an oversized spider.
Link: (Pulls out Ocarina) Would you like me to play the song again?
Darunia: (Wide eyes) No! No, that's okay. Geez kid, you're crazy! Here, if you're going to take on the Dodongos, you'll need a little extra strength. (Hands Link a bracelet)
YOU GOT THE GORON BRACELET! THIS WILL ALLOW YOU TO LIFT THINGS YOU NORMALLY COULDN'T. IT IS ESPECIALLY USEFUL FOR PICKING BOMB FLOWERS.
Link: What's a bomb flower?
Darunia: Oh, they're just explosive plants that we use for mining rock sirloin in Dodongo's Cavern. Why do you ask?
Link: That voice, it- (Shakes head) Never mind.
Darunia: Okay, see ya 'round, kid.
Link: Bye. (Walks out the door while fastening the Goron Bracelet around his wrist.)
Goron 1: Well, do you want me to start making the funeral preparations?
Darunia: (Nods solemnly) It's really kinda sad. Somebody that crazy, his parents probably disowned him. We really need an asylum here in Hyrule. Say, why don't you put that on my list of requests for the next time I visit the King of Hyrule.
Goron 1: Sure thing, sir!
(Meanwhile, Link and Navi are busy making their ascent to the top of Goron City)
Link: So do you think that this dungeon will be tougher?
Navi: Probably. Dodongos are pretty scary.
Link: Well, the Gorons go mining in there, so they can't be that bad.
Navi: Yeah, but look at those guys! I mean, for Din's sakes, they eat ROCKS!!!
Link: True…
(They reach the exit of the cave and walk outside. Trotting up the path towards them are two men carrying a large wooden box.)
Link: Who are they?
Navi: (Flies up and reads the tags on their uniforms.) Dampe's Deceased: Kakariko Village Funeral Home delivery service.
Link: Someone must have died.
Navi: (Muttering) Or someone's about to.
Link: What was that?
Navi: Nothing.
Narrator: Meanwhile…
(The two weasels, Bernie and Fred, are struggling up the side of Death Mountain. They are lugging a sack full of water balloons behind them.)
Bernie: *Gasp* Almost…*Gasp* Dere…
Fred: *Huff!* Is it really- *Huff, Puff!* Woith it, Bernie!?
Bernie: (Climbs up onto the ledge that Dodongo's Cavern is situated on.) Ya betta believe it, Fred! C'mon! Let's go sit ovuh dere by dat rock.
(The two weasels sit next to the boulder that is blocking Dodongo's Cavern.)
Bernie: So, afta we gets ta Goron City, we- YEOWCH!
Fred: What is it Bernie?
Bernie: (Looks up, to see Link and Navi on the ledge above them.) It's dat forest kid! He's t'rowin rocks at me! Why I oughta-
Fred: Uh, Bernie? Dat's not a rock.
Bernie: Huh? (Turns around to see a bomb lying on the ground) Ah, cripes.
SFX: BOOOOOOMM!!!
(The boulder that was blocking the entrance to Dodongo's Cavern is shattered, and the mafia weasels go flying through space until they land directly at the base of the mountain.)
Bernie: Oof! Ah, my achin' back! Fred, dis is all yore fault!
Fred: Sorry Bernie.
(Suddenly, a friendly Goron rolls down the mountain and stops in front of the weasels)
Goron: Hello! What brings you to Death Mountain on such a fine day?
Fred: We're tryin' ta get ta da Goron City. Is dere an easier way up dan jus' climbin da whole mountain?
Goron: Sure! There's a trail right over there. Just look for the cave about halfway up the mountain. You'll find the city inside.
Bernie: Thanks, yore a real pal!
Goron: Don't mention it! Bye! (Rolls down into Kakariko Village)
Narrator: As the two weasels resumed their trek up Death Mountain, Link and Navi are on their way down towards Dodongo's Cavern.
Link: See, Navi? I told you that bomb flower would do the trick. Now all we have to do is go inside the cave and… Hey, wait a minute! Why DO we have to go into the cave? It's already open, so the Gorons can get inside to mine for rocks.
Navi: Yeah! And why didn't the Gorons just use a bomb flower and blow the cave open themselves?
(Out of nowhere, an old man in a hooded cloak appears. We cannot see his face.)
Old Man: Heh heh heh… Gorons aren't too bright, you know. Plus, their eyesight is quite poor. They wouldn't know where to throw a bomb even if they thought of it.
Navi: Well, that explains why they didn't open the cave, but why do we have to go inside?
Old Man: Because I said so! Plus, there is an item that you might find appealing. It will allow you to discover many secrets along your quest.
Link: how do you know all this? Who are you?
Old Man: I know because I have seen it…
Navi: *Gasp* You must be a wizard of some kind!
Old Man: (Rolls eyes) Nah, I've just played the game before.
Navi: Oh. Okay.
Old Man: By the way, I'm not really an old man.
Link: But that's what it says in front of your lines on the script.
Old Man: True, but it will change once I throw off my cloak and reveal my true self. (Throws off cloak and reveals his true self).
Old Man: You see? I am Josh! Today's Random Audience Member!
Link: Cool! Do we get one of you guys to help us in every dungeon?
Josh: I don't know. Probably. But if I were the author I would make the Random Audience Member someone in the REAL audience.
Link: Yeah! Like one of those good, honest, trustworthy, wonderful people who leave a review.
Navi: Of course, in that review (or e-mail), the spectacular, stupendous, amazing, fantastic person would have to say that they wanted to be in the story as a Random Audience Member.
Josh: True that.
Link: Well, I guess we can go to Dodongo's Cavern now.
(The three travel down the trail and enter the cave. Inside there is nothing but a stone wall and some bomb flowers.)
Navi: Link, this wall is all cracked.
Link: Yeah, hold on. (Picks up a bomb flower and places it next to the wall. They all back away)
SFX: BOOM!
(The wall explodes, revealing the interior of Dodongo's Cavern. It is dimly lit, with a rock platform in the center. Surrounding the platform is a lava pit, and there are several small ledges around the edge of the magma. There are also three platforms that move up and down, which can be used to access the center platform. At the end of the room is a giant Dodongo skull.)
Link: Well, here we go. (Jumps onto the first moving platform, waits for it to rise, and hops off onto the main platform in the center.) Hey, look, it's a statue!
(In the middle of the main platform is what appears to be a tall statue, with the head rotating slowly.
Navi: Link! Get away from it! It's a-
(The head turns all the way around to reveal a giant eyeball on a metallic body.)
Statue: (Blink) TZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!!! (Shoots a blue laser beam at Link.)
Link: Yaaah!! (Quickly backflips out of the way, then begins running in circles to avoid the deadly laser.)
Navi: …Beamos.
Link: How do I kill it!?!?
Navi: You don't have anything strong enough to damage it right now! Just get out of the way!
Link: AGH! (Runs around the Beamos and jumps on the ledge to the left of the entrance.) Phew! That was a close one.
Navi: I'll say. (Points at Link's back. His shield is completely incinerated.)
Link: What!? I'm supposed to go through this dungeon without a shield!?
Josh: Nah, that would just suck. Here, you can have this. (Hands Link a shield)
YOU GOT THE HYLIAN SHIELD! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS IN THE GRAVEYARD OR BUY IT IN HYRULE CASTLE TOWN BEFORE YOU CAME HERE, BUT THE AUTHOR WAS TOO LAZY! YOU CAN EQUIP THIS SHIELD FROM THE START MENU, AND WEAR IT ON YOUR BACK. IT'S A LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR A WIMP LIKE YOU TO PICK UP! HEH HEH HEH…
Link: (Yelling at the ceiling) What the… Who the heck are you!?!?
Navi: Link, are you feeling alright?
Link: (In complete despair and agony) But… He just… AGH! (Runs over to a nearby bomb flower and kicks it into a wall.)
SFX: BOOOM!!!
(The wall explodes, revealing a treasure chest.)
Link: (Face brightens up) Ooh, goodie! (Runs over to the chest giggling like a girl, and throws it open. He pulls out…)
YOU GOT THE DUNGEON MAP! USE IT TO FIND YOUR WAY THROUGH DODONGO'S CAVERN! YOU CAN VIEW IT FROM YOUR MAP SUBSCREEN ON THE START MENU.
Link: WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT'S ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT SUBSCREENS AND START MENUS!?!?!?!?!?!
Navi: Link! Snap out of it! (To Josh) I think the heat's getting to him.
Link: Navi! What's a Start Menu!?!?
Navi: Uh, you mean that little box in your hat?
Link: Huh?
(Link pulls off his hat. Inside is a small blue box. It unfolds into a larger box.)
Link: It's just a blue box.
Navi: Look inside.
(Link pulls the box over his head. Stage crew runs out and attaches clearly visible cables to the box so that it hangs suspended in the air.)
Link: Whoa, cool! There's a picture of me, and my weapons, and the map of Dodongo's Cavern!
Josh: Oh, so that's how it works.
Navi: It's some kind of matter displacement technology. Not only can it hold a lot of items, but it also freezes time when you're inside it.
(Looking through the semi transparent box, Link can see bats frozen in mid-flight, lava bubbles stuck in place, and a Beamos looking directly at him, getting ready to fire a laser beam.)
Link: Yikes! (Jumps out of the way while folding his Start Menu up and putting it in his hat.) Okay, lemme check the map for a sec. (Pulls out the Start Menu, glances at the map, then puts the menu back in his hat.) The map says that we should go this way!
(As Link goes back the way they came, across the center platform to the other side of the room, Josh looks at Navi.)
Josh: Is he always this careless?
Navi: You don't know the half of it.
(They chase after Link to keep up.)
Link: Aha! Another cracked wall!
Beamos: TZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: AAH! STOP IT!!! (Picks up a nearby bomb flower and throws it at the Beamos.)
SFX: BOOOM!!! (Pause) BOOOOOM!!!!
(The bomb strikes the Beamos' head, blowing it off the body. The body disappears, but the head flies through the air and strikes the cracked wall, blowing it up.)
Link: (Stands in awe) Wow. That's a neat party trick. I wish I could blow MY head up.
Navi: (Under her breath) Yeah, me too.
Link: What was that?
Navi: Uh, I said, uh… quick, Link! That way!
Link: Where!? (Panics, and runs through the opening where the cracked wall used to be.)
(Inside this room is a long hallway. Suddenly, several small mounds of dirt begin to rise from the ground. Small, green, worm-like monsters pop out and charge Link.)
Link: Aah! (Rolls between two of the monsters, turns around, and slashes at them.) What are they!?
Navi: Baby Dodongos. You might want to get out of the way, because they-
Baby Dodongo: REEEEK!! (Explodes)
SFX: BOOOM!!!
Navi: -Detonate when you hit them.
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA- (Goes flying backwards, until he hits a wall.) –AAAAHH OOF!!!! (Stands up) WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS %*(&!$# DUNGEON BLOW UP!?!!?!!?!! (Goes hysterical, killing Baby Dodongos, then throwing them into each other so they blow themselves to pieces.) DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!
Narrator: After a colorful choice of phrases, and several more infanticides, Link makes it to the end of the hallway. Meanwhile, our weasel friends decide to drop in.
(Scene: Outside Dodongo's Cavern.)
Fred: Youze sure dis is da place, Bernie?
Bernie: Dat dumb Goron said dat da Goron City was in a cave halfway up da mountain.
Fred: Yeah, but, sumtin feels creepy about dis place…
Bernie: Ah, shaddup. C'mon, let's go. (Grabs Fred by the scruff of the neck and drags him inside.)
Narrator: Meanwhile, our heroes have their hands full.
Link: AAAAH!! GET EM OFF ME!! (Is slashing like crazy to avoid the dozens of Keese that surround him.)
Navi: Link! Just get out of there!
Link: Help MEEEEEE!!! (Runs into the next room, which is a bunch of platforms sitting in a lava pit. Lies there on the ground, gasping for breath.) I saw it Navi… the bright light… It was so pretty…
Navi: Link, look out!
Link: (Rolls out of the way as a small dagger comes careening towards the spot where he had been lying.)
Navi: Okay, time for your first mini-boss. There are two of them. They're called Lizalfos.
Link: Okay, how do I beat them?
Josh: Just use the shield I gave you to block their attacks. They always slash in a downward motion, so just crouch beneath your shield. When you see an opening, go for it.
Link: Okay.
(The battle commences. The first Lizalfos attacks. Link crouches to block it, then slashes upward into the enemy's groin.)
Lizalfos 1: ARK! EH! (Jumps over Link and slashes at his back.)
Link: AGH! Son of a- (Whirls around to hit the Lizalfos' mid-section.)
Lizalfos 1: ARK! EH! (Jumps over Link's head to slash at him again, but this time Link is ready.)
Link: (Blocks the Lizalfos' attack with his shield, then slashes at it's legs.)
Lizalfos 1: AIK!! (Turns around and jumps away to another platform.)
Link: (Chases after the Lizalfos, only to be blocked by the second one.)
Lizalfos 2: EH!
Link: (Ducks under his shield, then slashes down the front of the Lizalfos' body.)
Lizalfos 2: ARK! EH! (Jumps over Link and attacks him.)
Link: (Blocks the attack, then slashes at the Lizalfos' legs. Before it can recover, he stabs it in the stomach.) Yah!
Lizalfos 2: AIK! (Turns around to run away.)
Link: Oh, no you don't! (Slashes at it's left leg.)
Lizalfos: ACK! (Tries to jump, but doesn't quite make it to the next platform. It falls into the lava and dies.) ARGH!
Navi: Great job!
Josh: Too bad you can't do that in the game.
Navi: Now go get the other one.
(Link jumps over to the platform where Lizalfos 1 is waiting. He engages it in battle and kills it.)
Lizalfos 1: ARGH! (Dies)
Navi: Yes! Okay, where does the map say to go now?
Link: (Whining) It's too hard! I'm tired! Can we stop?
Navi: *Sigh* Well, we can always cut to a commercial break.
Josh: We have commercials?
(The curtain closes, and we see Sheik step out.)
Sheik: We interrupt this program to bring you a word from our sponsors.
(We see a large body of water. Suddenly, a little red boat with a lion head on the bow cuts across the front of the camera. On the boat is a boy dressed in green. It is Link from The WindWaker. A large pirate ship is trailing his boat.)
Announcer (Female): (Solemn) When you are traveling the Great Ocean attempting to recover magical lost artifacts from ancient civilizations, remember that being hurled from your boat causes 50% of all high-sea deaths.
(A bomb from the pirate ship hits Link's boat. He flies out, and a shark comes up and swallows him whole.)
Announcer (Female): So remember, (Holds up a safety belt) stay safe. Buckle up.
Announcer: (Male): (Speaking quickly) Noworldsavingheroeswereharmedinthemakingofthiscommercial. Thishasbeenapublicsafetyadvertisement.
Narrator: Meanwhile, our heroes are still making their way through Dodongo's Cavern.
(The screen shows Link, Navi, and Josh on the second floor of the cavern. They have already received the bomb bag and the compass. There is a huge spiral staircase leading up even higher.)
Josh: Hey, that wasn't there in the game.
Navi: Which means that whatever is up there is probably very bad.
Link: Sweet! Let's go! (Starts running up the spiral staircase.)
Navi: Link, be careful! You don't know what's up there!
(Navi and Josh catch up with Link. He is at the top of the staircase, directly over the Giant Dead Dodongo Skull. In front of him is a huge stone door.)
Link: Wow. I bet that all the treasures of Death Mountain are in this room. (Pushes the door open.)
(Inside the room are about two hundred adult Dodongos, looking very hungry. Bomb flowers cover the walls and ceiling. Above Link's head is a button that is labeled, "If all hope is gone, press me. But if I am pressed twice within seven years, you will be sorry.)
Link: *Blink* Hee hee. Heh heh heh. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!! (Falls over onto the ground, totally losing it.)
Josh: Uh, Link, are you okay?
Link: HOHOHO!!! Ya know what? I'm sick of all the monsters attacking me. I'm sick of being blown up. I'm sick of this entire dungeon. HEEHEEHEE!!!
Josh: Link…
Navi: Link, snap out of it!
Link: (Stands up and presses the switch on the wall. Thousands of bombs and dozens of powder kegs fall from a hole in the ceiling. Link takes a bomb out of his bomb bag.)
Navi: Link, NO! Remember inside the Great Deku Tree? We almost burned to death!
Link: (Strikes a match on the side of his tunic)
Navi: No! If you die, who's going to save Hyrule!?
Link: (Moves the match closer and closer to the bomb fuse.)
Navi: Who are they going to make all those video games and fanfictions about!?!? They even made a TV show!
Josh: Yeah, but it got cancelled. It totally sucked-
Navi: SHH! Link, who's going to marry Princess Zelda!?!?
Link: (Stops) I marry Zelda?
(A nearby Dodongo breathes fire towards Link.)
Link: AAH! (Jumps out of the way. Unfortunately, the blast lights the fuse of the bomb.) Yikes! (Tosses the lit bomb into the pile of bombs and powder kegs.) Uh, heh heh. Oops.
Josh: RRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Link, Navi, and Josh bolt out of the room. They begin running down the spiral staircase.)
Bernie: (On the bottom floor of the cavern) Dis doesn't look like no Goron City.
Fred: Maybe we came to da wrong cave.
Bernie: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, an' maybe it's New Years Eve.
Fred: (Stupidly) Aw, Fred, it can't be New Years Eve! Dere aint no fiyahwoiks.
SFX: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Bernie and Fred are blasted out of the cave and flung all the way down Death Mountain. Scene: The outside of Death Mountain. A fairly large mushroom cloud rises into the air, sending a shockwave clear across Hyrule Field to Lon Lon Ranch.)
Talon: (On the phone with a someone.) Yes, ah have 1 billion cuccos ready for
market-
(There is a loud rumbling, and the shockwave reaches the ranch.)
Cow: MOO! (Falls over)
Talon: What in tarnation!?!
Narrator: Meanwhile…
Link&Navi: (Yelling. Starts from far away, then gets closer, until…) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
SFX: CRASH!
Link&Navi: (Crash through the giant Dodongo skull, directly into the boss room, which is a round chamber with a lava pit in the center.) Uuuuunnhhh…
Link: Where's Josh?
Navi: I guess he didn't make it… Looks like we're on our own…
SFX: CRASH! CRASH! CRASH!
Navi: Uh, Link… (Points behind Link)
Link: (Turns around) O.O Oh, $#!^
(A huge Dodongo stomps up to them.)
King Dodongo: RRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KING DODONGO: INFERNAL DINOSAUR
(Boss music begins playing. King Dodongo curls up into a ball and rolls towards Link.)
Navi: Quick, Link, duck!
Link: (Ducks under his shield)
SFX: ClankClankClankClankClankClankClank!!!
Navi: Okay, with regular Dodongos, you can just hit their tails, but this one's too big. You'll have to stun it somehow, then go directly for the face.
Link: (Nods, then charges up toward King Dodongo.)
King Dodongo: (Takes a deep breath.)
Navi: Get out of the way! (Shoves Link against the wall)
King Dodongo: (Blasts a huge stream of fire.)
SFX: FFWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHH!!!!!
Navi: EEK!
Link: Navi!
(King Dodongo rolls into a ball and attacks Link. Link jumps out of the way, and then runs to counterattack King Dodongo.)
Link: (Takes out a bomb) Take this, you overgrown lizard!
(When King Dodongo opens his mouth to breathe fire, Link hurls the bomb inside. It detonates inside King Dodongo's stomach.)
Link: YAAAAAHH!!! (Attacks King Dodongo's face viciously.)
(This process repeats several times, until King Dodongo is dead. He rolls up into a ball, careening drunkenly, until he finally falls into the pit of lava. The molten rock hardens, and King Dodongo's blackened head is still sticking slightly outside the stone.)
Link: (Sheaths his sword and runs over to Navi.) Navi! Navi, are you alright!?
Navi: *-*
Link: Oh, Navi, I'm sorry… I've been so careless. From now on, I promise to take things more seriously. I will be the hero that everyone needs me to be! I'll stop being immature and childish. I'll help those in need. I'll defend the weak, stay strong for my people, and I'll never be mean and insensitive again!
Navi: …*Groan*
Link: Navi! You're alive! (Jumps up and down, accidentally pummeling his fairy friend into the ground) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!
Navi: Ow Ow Ow Ow. Link! GET OFF OF ME!
Link: (Stops jumping) Huh? Oh, sorry. You okay?
Navi: Well I was, but now you've broken my wing, you careless, dismissive, immature, childish, disobliging, destructive, weak, failure of a hero!
Link: … *Blink*
Navi: Well, aren't you gonna help me!?!
Link: (Suddenly cheerful) Okay! (Scoops Navi up, grabs the heart container left by King Dodongo, and walks into the blue warp thingy.)
(Some stage guys come out and strap Link to a harness. They lift him up into the air as they clumsily change the scenery to the outside of the mountain. Link begins "floating" down, when suddenly, the cable breaks.)
SFX: SNAP!
Link: WWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
SFX: CRUNCH!
Link: Well, there went three more ribs.
(Several more of Link's bones are broken as Darunia falls directly on top of him.)
SFX: KARUNCH!
Darunia: Little buddy? Whered'ja go?
Link: Mff mmmrrrrr mfff!!!!
Darunia: Huh? Oh. Sorry about that. (Peels Link off the ground)
Link: (Now suffering from internal injuries) No… problem…
Darunia: Oh, good! Well, I just dropped in to say thanks! You made Dodongo's Cavern safe for all of us to mine again. And that small nuclear explosion wiped out all of the monsters on this side of the mountain.
Link: Uh, cool.
Darunia: I like you, kid! From now on, let's be brothers! On behalf of the Goron people, I would like to entrust you with the Goron's Ruby! (Holds up arms)
(Triumphant music plays, and a fiery red rock drops from the sky, suspended by a rope. Suddenly the rope snaps, and the stone hits Link on the head.)
Link: OW! WHY THE #3!! DO I KEEP GETTING BEAT UP!!!
YOU GOT THE GORON RUBY! AKA THE SPIRITUAL STONE OF FIRE! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE MEANS BY "BROTHERS" (PROBABLY SOME RELIGIOUS CULT) BUT YOU ARE ONE STEP CLOSER TO FINDING THE TRIFORCE!
Link: Okay. I've had it. My fairy is almost dead, I'm on an impossible quest, I'm in way over my head, and I haven't eaten in days. I've been blown up, dropped from the sky, trampled by a boulder-eating weirdo, and had an expensive-looking rock dropped on my head! (Pulls out a 9-millimeter and points it at his temple.) I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!!!
Darunia: Whoa, calm down, Brother.
Link: I'll do it! I'll pull the trigger!
Darunia: Come on, you have so much to live for!
Link: (Lowers the gun) Really?
Darunia: Well, uh, no. But that doesn't mean-
SFX: BAM!
Link: Crap. Just leave it to the author to give me a gun with a friggin blank!
Darunia: Look, I know someone who can heal your injuries and… arouse your fighting spirit.
Link: Who?
Darunia: A Great Fairy. She lives on top of Death Mountain. It's a long hike, but I know a shortcut.
Link: What is it?
Darunia: (Picks up Link and throws him at about 300 miles per hour to the top of Death Mountain.)
Link: AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhh….
Darunia: (Chuckles) Nice kid.
Goron 1: You must really trust him to give him the Spiritual Stone of Fire.
Darunia: Nah, I just wanted to lure Ganondork away from here. Now he'll be concentrated on screwing up Link's life instead of ours! (Turns around to head back up the mountain, when he is confronted by two black, charred, and very angry-looking weasels.)
Bernie: Hey, youse guys is Gorons, right?
Darunia: Yeah, I'm Darunia, Big Brother of the Gorons. You kids want an autograph or something?
Bernie: What we wants is all da bombs ya gots in stock.
Fred: Yeah! All da bombs!
Darunia: *Blink* WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
Fred: (Holds up a water balloon and throws it at Goron 1.)
SFX: SPLASH!
Goron 1: Help! Help! I'm drowning!!!!
Darunia: (Throws up his hands) Okay, okay, we'll talk.
(Meanwhile, Link is enjoying his flight, until it is stopped abruptly by him crashing through the wall of the Great Fairy's Fountain.)
Link: …aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
SFX: WHAM! CRUNCH!
Link: Unh… Oh, my kidneys… (Crawls over to the Triforce symbol in front of the Great Fairy's pool.)
Navi: (Weakly) Play… Zelda's… Lullaby… (Passes out)
Link: (Stands up, takes out his Ocarina and plays Zelda's Lullaby.) ….^….….….^…. Doooo dee daaaaah, Doooo dee daaaaah!!!
(A small giggle is heard, and then there is silence.)
Great Fairy: EEYAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! (Bursts out of the water, and assumes a suggestive position.)
Link: AGH! Dear Nayru, help me!
Great Fairy: Welcome, Link. I am the Great Fairy of Power.
Link: (Whimpers)
GFoP: I can give you something good… Do you want to know what it is?
Link: (Face twists into a contortion of pain)
GFoP: It's something that can give you a longer range…
Link: (Blood vessel pops in his head, has a seizure.)
GFoP: …With your sword attack. Receive it now! (Holds arms out and sparkly magic encircles Link.)
YOU GOT THE DEADLY SPIN ATTACK! HOLD B TO CHARGE YOUR SWORD, THEN RELEASE IT FOR A POWERFUL WHIRLWIND OF ENERGY. BE CAREFUL, AS IT TAKES MAGIC POWER. FOR A QUICK SPIN, ROTATE THE CONTROL STICK ONCE AND PRESS B.
GFoP: (The camera pans by every exaggerated curve of her body one last time, as she heals Link and Navi's wounds.) Come back here whenever battle has made you weary. YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEHEE!!! (Swirls sexily back into her pool.)
Link: Oh. My. Goddesses. (Starts crossing himself and performing cleansing rituals from every major world religion.)
Navi: Hehheh. I see you met the Great Fairy. You know, there are five other Great Fairies in Hyrule. One of them lives by the castle. We should probably go see her before we go find the last Spiritual Stone.
Link: Aw. You mean I have to endure that suffering AGAIN!?!
Navi: Yeah, but this time it'll be worth it.
Link: Okay. But first I need to relax a little bit. Let's go explore Kakariko Village after we get down the mountain.
Navi: That sounds like a good idea.
Narrator: And so, with only one more Spiritual Stone to find, Link and Navi left the Great Fairy's Fountain and began their descent down Death Mountain.
What adventures will Link discover in Kakariko? What does the second Great Fairy have for him? When will I ever learn to stop procrastinating? All these questions and more will be answered in the next chapter of: The Legend of Zelda- The Real Story- Ocarina of Time!
Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda. I do not own Nintendo. I do own the Mafia Weasels, Bernie and Fred, and I own this twisted, maniacal version of the storyline. Thanks for reading, and please review!
Feb. 1, 2004
-Jacoman52
