Disclaimer: don't own anything so don't sue!

I look into the mirror closely as I take off my carefully applied make up. I stand back and take myself in; tight pink pants, a white T-shirt, dark brown hair in tumbling curls and huge eyes. I shake my head a little. I am sick of people staring. I'm sick of them pointing. Most of all I'm sick of people talking; talking behind my back, giggling, whispering, gossiping and bitching. They think I can't hear them? That there's some sort of sound block so that I can't hear everyone from Stephanie Mcmahon to John Cena laughing at me? Oh please, you'd think I'd be used to it by now, people saying bad things, it comes with the territory.

But now I wonder, does it come with being a WWE Diva or does it come with being Dawn Marie?

Last night, I was walking back to my dressing room and as I was about to turn a corner, I heard her. Torrie Wilson's sweet voice talking quietly to Billy Kidman. The things she said didn't match her voice, the things she said were plain nasty.

"Can you believe her Billy? I mean you'd think with her cleavage hanging out the way it does she'd find someone her own age! But no, she has to pick my dad! And I have no idea why! I mean she walks around like Little Miss Hooker; she could be one of the Godfather's hos! She should have stayed out of the big leagues because she must be cracking under the pressure to behave the way she is"

Then I heard Billy's calming voice

"Oh c'mon Torrie, it's not like you can tell your dad what to do, let him discover what a waste she is and then everything'll be back to normal ok? C'mon I'm taking you out for something to eat"

I'd forgotten that Billy had a crush on her, always had since their failed relationship back in WCW. Now was his chance to play the comforting friend and the shoulder to cry on. Wish I had someone like that. Why should Torrie get all the breaks, a great guy who loves her, adoring fans? Why don't I get something like that?

I'll tell you why. Because people don't think I'm talented. Did they watch ECW when I was in the Impact Players' corner? Man I miss those days. I miss hanging out with the guys, I miss Lance most of all. Despite what people think, he's a lot of fun and kept me company when the other girls wouldn't hang out with me. Some things always stay the same. I think a lot about ECW, I remember when everything was great and the team was so tight but then I also remember it crumbling and Justin and Lance fighting each other, forcing Justin to retire. It makes me mad to think of that and I know that the WWE is responsible. They lured Justin away. WCW got Lance. I made up my mind to find some way to get my revenge on this company and it's only just beginning.

Legal assistant, I had the training. I worked hard, diligently until I was a significant team member. Until I had the position to go and see Vince Mcmahon himself. I knew when he took a look at my unbuttoned blouse and short skirt, he was mine. It's the only way I know to get my way. The only way I've been taught. Stacy wasn't pleased that I muscled in on her territory. She made that very clear to me when she slammed the door in my face. Luckily for me, I'd started getting exposure.

As for Al Wilson, do people actually think I have feelings for him? Oh please I'm a diva now, a user and abuser. Well not all of them are, some of them do actually have feelings for the people they claim to love, they're the lucky ones. To be able to love someone. Some of us have used that so many times we've become immune to anyone who shows real feelings towards us. I wanted to give Torrie a little competition and I know that she's a real daddy's girl so to get to Torrie I just had to get to her dad. And I wanted to get to her. She was winning all these contests against me, why do you think I threw her out of that ring after she won the bikini contest against me? Because I should have won but because people like her better, she won.

So I got in the shower with him. However much he denied it, I know he enjoyed it, I saw he was enjoying it. How could he not, he was in a shower with me and I wasn't wearing anything. If that's not enjoyment for a man then tell me what is. Seeing Torrie's face when she discovered us was worth it.

I lost against her at No Mercy. So what? It was just a wrestling match. It doesn't prove anything except who's had better in-ring training. All I had to rely on were the basics which Lance taught me when he had time in ECW. Unlike a lot of the guys there, he said it was important that I learnt to fight in the ring. He said I'd never know when I'd need it. He was right. Always was. God I miss him.

I want to learn more but whenever I approach any the guys here they just laugh in my face, asking why I'd need to learn in-ring when I'm so much better out of it. I've slapped a few for that. It hurt everytime one of them said that so I stopped asking to stop the hurt. Do you know how it feels to be thought of as a piece of worthless eye candy? It hurts like you wouldn't believe, like you're not good enough or talented enough or tough enough to survive between the ropes. I use the example of Lita, she was a valet in ECW, called herself Miss Congeniality. She didn't do anything while she was there, bumped a little but we all did. And now look at her, the most popular diva, the daredevil, the role model. And look at me, I don't even figure in anyone's idea of a wrestling threat. That is what kills me.

I have to use what I have; my T&A. It's all I have to rely on around here. In this world only the strongest survive and I'm starting to drown. The girls now have to have ring skills to be considered for a job here, the crowd practically expect it. When I joined the game all you needed was a pretty face and a tight body. But that crap doesn't fly anymore. You need that and talent; you need ring skills.

I'm just using Al Wilson just like I use everyone else. I want to hurt Torrie so that she can feel what I feel, numb blinding pain at being left on the shelf for other more talented girls. I'm stuck doing T&A matches when all I want to do is learn. If only I was on Raw, I could be with Lance again and he'd help me. He always did and I have a feeling he always will. The shit we went through together binds people. We talk on the phone a few times a week, just to check how the other is. He worries about me a little, I can tell in his voice but he won't say, not with the guys listening. I worry about him too but I'm not afraid to say.

I pick up my bag and head out of the door, my head down, hoping everyone will have left by now. Most of them have. Some of the crew say hello as they pass, asking me how I am. I put on a smile and say I'm fine. I make sure my cell-phone is switched off, I don't want to deal with Al's phone calls, worrying about how his daughter feels about our relationship. What relationship? I want to scream. It's not like we're screwing, I wouldn't go that low. I'm just using you I want to yell but I can't, once a diva always a diva and I have to keep my plan secret. It's getting dark outside, the stars look like shards of a shattered mirror against the sky. I walk to my car and get in. I want to speak to Lance tonight, he can always make me feel calm. Next week is Halloween, who know what they have planned for me. I sigh and start the car. I can't help feeling jealous of the divas who feel something, who have someone they love next to them at night like Lita had with Matt or Molly had with Spike. Then the diva in me hardens. I slam the car into reverse and screech off down the street to the hotel and my empty bed. Sometimes being a diva is hard and painful. God only knows why I got into this business because I do love it make no mistake but sometimes I think it's going to kill me.