Chapter 9
Helga rushed into the apartment, dreaming that he would still be there. He was.
He was packing his bags, getting ready to leave. With her eyes widened, she followed his every move, trying to understand why he was doing this, why he was trying to get away, why he wasn't worshipping her.
"What are you doing?" she asked quickly, "Noah where are you going?"
He turned and faced her, yet there was no recognition in his gaze. It was as if Noah was staring at a stranger. On some level, he really was.
"I'm going back to England," he said calmly.
"But---" she closed her eyes tightened her knuckles, "but you can't go."
"Why not?"
"Because---because you're engaged to me!"
His lips flickered for a moment, "Not anymore."
She stared at him, transfixed, afraid to believe what he had said. This had to be a joke, this could not have been real, otherwise she would lose her mind, jump out of the window, do anything just to escape the brutal reality that she was going to be alone again.
"Not anymore?" she whispered, "You're kidding."
"It is not my habit to joke like that."
"Noah, I need you, and I cannot see you walk away," her mind was in hysteria and yet she could not bring herself to cry.
"I'm leaving, you have to accept that because that's the way things are," he continued coolly.
"Don't say that's the way things are, things are the way you make them!" she screamed.
"Exactly, Helga, and you've made things this way."
"Noah you were going to marry me, you've loved me, you can't just fall out of love with me over---"
"---A silly little thing like this? Is that what you were going to say?" he interrupted.
"I'm sorry, Noah," she cried, "I'm so sorry."
"You fell in love with someone else, I cannot blame you for that, so I am just going to walk away."
"Don't you understand, you moron?" She screamed, "if it was his love I was after I wouldn't be apologizing to you! But you did love me, I know you did, so how can you be standing there, looking me in the face and saying that you don't---"
He shook his head "Yes, I loved you, Helga. I trusted you, I held you higher than anything else I had ever known because I had believed that you were an honest woman, worthy of all my praise and respect and affection. More and more I am beginning to realize my poor judgment of character."
"So what you're saying is you disrespect me?"
"Oh, Helga, why can't you understand? I don't give a fuck about you anymore, so how can I disrespect you if I don't care?"
"You don't give a fuck about me? You know what then? Fuck you!" she screamed.
He picked up his suitcase and began to walk. And suddenly she remembered that she didn't want him to leave.
"Noah," she held on to his shoulders, breathing in his scent, trying to keep him from getting away, "Noah, darling I'm so sorry, please stay for a little bit longer, please don't let it all end like this."
He stopped and turned to her, their face in close proximity.
"Why can't you understand?" he finally spoke, but his voice was no longer calm or cool, "Why do you have to do this? Don't you understand that life can't always work out the way you want it to?"
"I don't want to understand," she whispered, burying her head in his chest, "please, just put your arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay."
He didn't do as she asked.
"Helga, you are such a child. How can I ask you to understand? Asking you to understand is like trying to knock down a mountain with your fists."
"I was going to end it between us today. I was going to tell him I chose you, that I was going to marry you. If you hadn't walked in at that moment-- -"
"Then what?" he exclaimed, "What would you do then? Live out the rest of your life not telling me?"
She let go of him and stared into his eyes. She didn't know what to say.
"Please answer my question, Helga."
"Well, I---"
"And tell me the truth."
She paused, "No, I wouldn't have told you. But only because I knew that this would be how you would react."
"You're right, Helga. This is how I would react. But I am a grown man, and I don't want to be thought of as a fool while my wife lives out continuous liaisons."
"Take me back, Noah, and I promise that we will never have this conversation again."
"We'll never have this conversation either way," he said, "the truth is that you cannot change your ways and I don't expect you to. You don't know what you want, or maybe you do, but I'm obviously not it."
"You coward," she whispered, "You tell me you don't care, but how else can you explain that in your eye?"
He dried it away, "At a certain point in my life, everything in existence seemed like a possibility. But that is over now, my trust of the world around had vanished. I thought so much of you, I believed in you as the only one who could ever make me happy. I thought that perhaps I could do the same for you, my warm-hearted, brutally honest, comely little Helga. And then I see your true colors, and imagine how that made me feel. The truth is, I do not mourn the loss of you, I mourn the loss of a non- existent woman."
"Oh yeah?" she screamed, angered by the world around her, "Then you don't deserve me, you idealistic bastard! Arnold was right about you, you're nothing more than a ---"
He did not listen to her any longer. He began to walk away, out of the room, out of her life. Noah shut the door quietly, forceless, so characteristic of him.
And then she was alone again, standing in the still silence of the room. Who would have thought that she would feel so dull after losing her only chance for happiness?
Helga rushed into the apartment, dreaming that he would still be there. He was.
He was packing his bags, getting ready to leave. With her eyes widened, she followed his every move, trying to understand why he was doing this, why he was trying to get away, why he wasn't worshipping her.
"What are you doing?" she asked quickly, "Noah where are you going?"
He turned and faced her, yet there was no recognition in his gaze. It was as if Noah was staring at a stranger. On some level, he really was.
"I'm going back to England," he said calmly.
"But---" she closed her eyes tightened her knuckles, "but you can't go."
"Why not?"
"Because---because you're engaged to me!"
His lips flickered for a moment, "Not anymore."
She stared at him, transfixed, afraid to believe what he had said. This had to be a joke, this could not have been real, otherwise she would lose her mind, jump out of the window, do anything just to escape the brutal reality that she was going to be alone again.
"Not anymore?" she whispered, "You're kidding."
"It is not my habit to joke like that."
"Noah, I need you, and I cannot see you walk away," her mind was in hysteria and yet she could not bring herself to cry.
"I'm leaving, you have to accept that because that's the way things are," he continued coolly.
"Don't say that's the way things are, things are the way you make them!" she screamed.
"Exactly, Helga, and you've made things this way."
"Noah you were going to marry me, you've loved me, you can't just fall out of love with me over---"
"---A silly little thing like this? Is that what you were going to say?" he interrupted.
"I'm sorry, Noah," she cried, "I'm so sorry."
"You fell in love with someone else, I cannot blame you for that, so I am just going to walk away."
"Don't you understand, you moron?" She screamed, "if it was his love I was after I wouldn't be apologizing to you! But you did love me, I know you did, so how can you be standing there, looking me in the face and saying that you don't---"
He shook his head "Yes, I loved you, Helga. I trusted you, I held you higher than anything else I had ever known because I had believed that you were an honest woman, worthy of all my praise and respect and affection. More and more I am beginning to realize my poor judgment of character."
"So what you're saying is you disrespect me?"
"Oh, Helga, why can't you understand? I don't give a fuck about you anymore, so how can I disrespect you if I don't care?"
"You don't give a fuck about me? You know what then? Fuck you!" she screamed.
He picked up his suitcase and began to walk. And suddenly she remembered that she didn't want him to leave.
"Noah," she held on to his shoulders, breathing in his scent, trying to keep him from getting away, "Noah, darling I'm so sorry, please stay for a little bit longer, please don't let it all end like this."
He stopped and turned to her, their face in close proximity.
"Why can't you understand?" he finally spoke, but his voice was no longer calm or cool, "Why do you have to do this? Don't you understand that life can't always work out the way you want it to?"
"I don't want to understand," she whispered, burying her head in his chest, "please, just put your arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay."
He didn't do as she asked.
"Helga, you are such a child. How can I ask you to understand? Asking you to understand is like trying to knock down a mountain with your fists."
"I was going to end it between us today. I was going to tell him I chose you, that I was going to marry you. If you hadn't walked in at that moment-- -"
"Then what?" he exclaimed, "What would you do then? Live out the rest of your life not telling me?"
She let go of him and stared into his eyes. She didn't know what to say.
"Please answer my question, Helga."
"Well, I---"
"And tell me the truth."
She paused, "No, I wouldn't have told you. But only because I knew that this would be how you would react."
"You're right, Helga. This is how I would react. But I am a grown man, and I don't want to be thought of as a fool while my wife lives out continuous liaisons."
"Take me back, Noah, and I promise that we will never have this conversation again."
"We'll never have this conversation either way," he said, "the truth is that you cannot change your ways and I don't expect you to. You don't know what you want, or maybe you do, but I'm obviously not it."
"You coward," she whispered, "You tell me you don't care, but how else can you explain that in your eye?"
He dried it away, "At a certain point in my life, everything in existence seemed like a possibility. But that is over now, my trust of the world around had vanished. I thought so much of you, I believed in you as the only one who could ever make me happy. I thought that perhaps I could do the same for you, my warm-hearted, brutally honest, comely little Helga. And then I see your true colors, and imagine how that made me feel. The truth is, I do not mourn the loss of you, I mourn the loss of a non- existent woman."
"Oh yeah?" she screamed, angered by the world around her, "Then you don't deserve me, you idealistic bastard! Arnold was right about you, you're nothing more than a ---"
He did not listen to her any longer. He began to walk away, out of the room, out of her life. Noah shut the door quietly, forceless, so characteristic of him.
And then she was alone again, standing in the still silence of the room. Who would have thought that she would feel so dull after losing her only chance for happiness?
