I don't own any parts of Love Hina.
===
Keitaro was overjoyed that he was finally working on a plan with the girls rather than having the plan be done to him…besides, plan 347293 sounded interesting--except for the fact that he was currently wearing a mini skirt and had long, vivacious, blonde hair on his head as well as lipstick smeared across his lips.
Naru stood next to him decked out in slacks, a dress shirt and a top hat. She also had a moustache underneath her nose that caused her to sneeze constantly. Beside her, Mutsumi was wearing a similar suit except that she wore suspenders instead of a belt.
"Why am I in girl's clothes and you guys are in guy clothes," he asked as Mutsumi handed him more things to stuff his bra.
"Well," she said with a grin, "other than the fact that you look better in that than we do, it's just how plan 347293 goes."
Naru eyed Keitaro's chest for a second, sneezed, then said, "Your boobs are too high. You need to lower them."
"How would you know?" Keitaro asked as he tried to smoosh more tissue in there.
Naru frowned. "Well, I know because I'm a girl!" Naru's frown grew deeper as she watched Keitaro continue stuffing. "Now it looks like one gigantic torpedo in your damned chest! You're stuffing too much!"
Mutsumi giggled. "Well, I wonder what the audience would prefer. Two small ones or one gigantic one."
Before Naru could pounce on Keitaro, Motoko appeared next to them wearing her usual practice clothes. "Su and Sarah are ready. Everyone to their stations."
"Oh," laughed Mutsumi, "how exciting!"
===
Kitsune: So, we're finally at our last video. I guess I'm a little sad since this is our last time together…then again the thought of all the money that I'm getting can't make me stop from smiling. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here's our last tape.
Kitsune wanders to her secret stash of video tapes and pulls out her VHS that is sparkly and golden. As she bends over and shoves the tape into the tape player, she misses the fact that three people enter the room and slip to the back where they can barely be seen.
Kitsune stands once more and looks at the audience.
Kitsune: Well, it's been grand folks!
===
Lonely Jimmy
===
Su wiped the sweat off her brow and finished with a loud moan. She stood up shakily and eyed the large metal machine with awe. Never before had she spent so much time with a mechanism…but, in the end, it was all worth it.
For three weeks straight, she had been building her new invention as a present for Kitsune's birthday. She had followed Kitsune around, seeing what the elder girl liked, then finally came up with the Pelvic Thruster 5000, an android that could strip and was anatomically correct. Su hoped that Kitsune would love it.
And lucky for Su that today they were throwing a surprise birthday party for Kitsune. Sneaking down the stairs, with Malcolm Sex* (she had given that nickname to the Pelvic Thruster 5000), she found a large birthday cake that Shinobu had spent two days working on. Digging out the center of the cake, Su made sure there was ample space for Malcolm Sex and placed him inside. Just as Su was replacing the top of the cake, Shinobu appeared with icing and said, "Do you want to help me put icing on the cake? This is going to be sticky fun!"
Su pounced on the blue haired girl and said, "I hope so!"
--
Kitsune sat in the middle of the living room opening present after present, each filled with blank video tapes and sake bottles--all that the fox-eyed woman asked for. She looked into the camera that Mutsumi held and gave a thumbs up right before she downed an entire bottle of alcohol.
"Now," Shinobu announced cheerfully as she jumped up and looked around. "I baked you a large cake, Kitsune. I hope you love it!"
Motoko wheeled the overly large cake into the room. It was beautiful with several creamy layers and candles that sparkled all around it. Kitsune stood up and said, "Thank you everyone, I--"
Before she could finish the sentence, the cake started to throb. Shinobu looked at it with concern and whispered, "This isn't suppose to be happening." She stood up to check what the problem was when something burst from the side of the cake. It was a large machine that was doing a sexy little dance toward the young girl.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" Shinobu cried as she ran behind Naru.
Motoko was the first to react, whipping out her sword and slashing at the robot. Instead, the robot dashed forward, grabbed the sword, jammed it into the floor, and used it as a pole to dance from.
"Happy birthday, Kitsune. This is the Pelvic Thruster 5000, my gift to you!" Su yelled from the side. She handed Kitsune the controls to the machine and Kitsune grinned wickedly.
"Do you mean," Kitsune hiccupped, "I have complete control of this thing???"
The machine twirled around the sword then turned it's head toward Kitsune, winking at her. Kitsune giggled and began to hit random buttons on the control.
As Kitsune hit the controller, Malcolm Sex's dance got more heated as it thrusted it's way toward Keitaro.
"NOT AT ME!" Keitaro screamed as it came closer and closer. "PLEASE, NOT AT ME!"
Suddenly, Malcolm Sex turned, it's eyes gleaming red and focusing on Naru. It beckoned with it's finger for her to come closer as it's hips swayed methodically.
"Make it stop!" Naru screamed, too vexed to take her eyes away from the machine.
But Kitsune was too into hitting random buttons enjoying the fact that each time she pushed one down, it glowed.
Malcolm Sex's hips began to rotate violently as it took steps closer to the woman. Then in an incoherent voice, it whispered, "You are my Sex Goddess, I must make you happy--"
"What is it doing?" Naru asked, thoroughly frightened.
"Ah!" Su cried with a clap of her hands. "The special feature works! It thinks you are it's Sex Goddess. It wants to anoint your feet with it's own special oils."
"I hope that's not what I think it means," Mutsumi said offhandedly as the demon robot made it's way toward Naru, all of it's eyes glowing a brilliant red.
===
The lights suddenly shut off followed by all the power in Kitsune's room. The movie stops in mid viewing and everyone starts to boo. Kitsune, shocked at what is occurring, jumps up and moves to her television. She presses several buttons, then looks apologetically at you.
Kitsune: Well, it appears we're having technical difficulties.
Kitsune tried to hit the television several times, but it didn't work. Curious now, wondering why out of all times, it had come to something like this. She was about to loose all the money in the world all because of this stupid…
Voice: Nyahahahahahahaha! It's time for you to meet your maker!
A burst of wind flew at Kitsune's bedroom window, and it exploded, sending shards of glass inside the room. A grinning Su and Sarah suddenly popped in, each with a stupid grin on there face.
Kitsune: Oh, shit! Not plan 458892!
Sarah: No.
Kitsune: Uh.. 6774221
Sarah: No.
Kitsune: Err… Plan Give Kitsune Lonely Jimmy?
Sarah: Jimmy? Plan 347293 you fox-eyed dumbass!
Kitsune: 347293...
Since Kitsune was an original formulator of the plan, so she knew the tricks and could counter them all. She looked up at Su who was smiling wickedly and had a small controller in her hand. Kitsune's eyes then traveled to Sarah who was video taping the entire event.
Kitsune: So, this is payback!
Man: Retribution for showing tapes of us!
Kitsune looked around and saw a man in a handlebar mustache. He looked drop dead gorgeous for a man and Kitsune found herself traveling toward this stranger. She sniffed, smelling the distinct perfume of Naru.
Kitsune's eyes opened and she turned to Su who was pressing the button.
Kitsune's mind worked quickly. If Naru wasn't the one with the mechanism…She looked around her and noticed a female with one large boob. Kitsune grinned.
As Su hit the button, the blonde's top ripped apart revealing a mechanized arm that dashed toward them. The hand grabbed the clothes of the person in front of it and ripped it off.
Naru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Kitsune had grabbed Naru by the arm and forced the younger woman into the path of the arm. Naru tried to cover up as best as she could while her anger was plainly written all over her face.
Before Naru could attack her, Kitsune slipped to where Mutsumi stood and, with quick hands, slipped the women's suspenders off. She then took three quick steps to the window and jumped out.
Su: Change of plan! 347293 is now 34729--!
Meanwhile, Kitsune stopped listening and had hooked the suspenders onto a nearby tree. She then propelled herself up to one of the limbs and took a break. She was sweating profusely and debating on what she would do next.
Kitsune: Where the hell's the safest place?
Her mind thought quickly, but then she heard the screams of Motoko coming closer. Kitsune had just enough energy to leap out of the way before a blast of wind tore up the branch that she had been sitting in. Damn!
Kitsune slipped out of the tree and ran as fast as she could to the kitchen.
Kitsune: Maybe Shinobu would help.
When she threw open the door, the younger girl was staring wide eyed at Kitsune.
Shinobu: Kitsune? What are you doing here?
Kitsune: Listen, I need a place to hide.
Shinobu: Of course, of course. I heard the other girl's screaming and yelling…here, you can hide in here.
Shinobu opened the room into the pantry. Kitsune thanked her and fell inside. The elder woman leaned her head against the wall and took three steadying breaths before she heard the sounds of the following:
Click.
Kitsune ran to the door and tried to pry it open, but it was locked.
Shinobu: I caught her! Someone, I caught her.
Kitsune could hear the patter of feet coming toward her and knew that her problems just escalated. With the girl's at her feet, then she was done for. This was what she got for trusting an innocent face!
Kitsune looked around and saw a vent. Climbing stakes of food, she pulled the metal grate off and tried to push her body through it. She managed to slip inside and crawl through it.
From behind her, she could hear voices.
Motoko: Where is she?
Shinobu: She was right here…
Su: Well, she's not here, anymore…the vents!
Kitsune double timed her efforts and crawled throughout the maze. Turning several corners, she heard laughing and tears. Curiosity overtook the younger woman and she made her way to the sound.
When she burst through the vent, she saw her audience watching a video tape of herself trying to flirt with a person in another language.
===
Kitsune leaned in closer to the man and grinned slyly as she ran a finger up his chest.
"I like man with BIG nuts!" she whispered as seductively as possible.
The man merely blushed and tried to look away, but Kitsune, thinking he was playing hard to get, ran her hands up his jaw and forced him to look back at her. She licked her lips slowly and whispered, "I want to eat Lonely Jimmy."
She crawled on top of the man, forcing him to stay in his seat. "You are my telletubbie, baby."
The man pushed her off, screamed, and ran away.
===
Kitsune hopped out of the vent as Mutsumi ejected the tape and held it up. How could she forget plan 347293 part B, which is what they did…Then again, where did they get that? Kitsune asked that question aloud.
Su appeared next to her and grinned.
Su: Remember when I followed you around everywhere? That's where that tape was from.
Kitsune rubbed her temples and frowned.
Kitsune: Okay, okay, I guess I deserved that.
Naru burst through the crowed, covered in the dress that Keitaro had been wearing, her face bright with anger.
Naru: You're going to pay for this!
Kitsune: Oh crap!
Kitsune ran out the door, never looking back, knowing the second that she faltered in her steps was the second that her life would end.
Kitsune: Mutsumi! Sell whatever I have and I'll share the profits with you 90-10!
Mutsumi laughed and stared at the audience. Once Naru and Kitsune had rushed out, followed by Su, Sarah, and Motoko, she held the tape up to the audience.
Mutsumi: Okay, who wants a copy?
Lonely Jimmy: I do!
=END=
*From an episode of the Simpsons.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read, or even bothered to look at this story at all. It wouldn't have been created without you guys. Also, thanks to my little sister who helped me imagine some of this crap, as well as my friends who had some, well, interesting tales done to them…your embarrassing stories were inspirational.
Disclaimer: By the by, I don't own any Lonely Jimmy's. This was a fictional character, made up for the use of humor…
