So my choice is 'Or Death?' * = definition/explanation/etc at end of chapter

~ Do you like…bread? ~ = thoughts

Chapter 3

The first night of the students new term was a calm one for most.  Nearly all in the castle slept peacefully.

Nearly.

In the Slytherin dorms, Draco Malfoy writhed in the nightmare memory of a Dark Revel his father had taken him to.  A few floors up, Cho Chang dreamt of a Cedric risen from his grave, half of his flesh eaten away by maggots.  Another floor up in Gryffindor Tower, Harry Potter dreamt once again of the Third Task, haunted again and again by the image of Cedric and his parents.

On the first floor, Saerry Snape had perhaps the most pleasant of dreams.  She dreamt that she was with her pack again in the Forbidden Forest.  But this time, her brother was with her, racing beside her in the form of a huge black wolf similar to herself.  And, to her utmost surprise, Remus Lupin has invaded her dream, appearing in the form of a large gray wolf.

But floors below her in the dungeons, her brother Severus dreamt darker dreams.  Dreams somewhat similar to those Draco Malfoy dreamt just down the corridor.  He dreamt:

First it was that fateful meeting, the beginning of his spiral into the dark.  He, a foolish boy fresh out of Hogwart's, had joined the Death Eater ranks without a second thought.  Such pride he had felt then.  Such vain ideals…

The dream shifted, changing from one raid to another.  His horror grew with each.

Now it came to that other fateful night.  Another night he wished dearly that he could take back.

But the past cannot be changed without dire consquences for the present…

His heart pattered wildly against his ribs as he saw Lily Potter nee Evans among the ragged looking women locked inside a cage, its bars heavily charmed to prevent their escape.

"Choose one, Severus," hissed that voice; that voice that made his bones quiver at their marrow with the memory of it.  Or the actuality.

Dark eyes flicked about the room to the other high ranking Death Eater's.  His eyes locked onto Lucius Malfoy's face and followed his cold gray gaze to the cage.

The gray eyes were locked upon Lily's still form.

Breath caught in his throat.

~ No, ~ he thought.  ~ He'll not have her. ~

He had no choice.

"The redhead, my lord," his dream self said even as he watched the memory replay.  he tried desperately to get out of it.  to no avail.

"A fine choice, my son."

He only nodded and stepped forward to claim the limp form as it was handed to him.  Tucking her close again his chest, he turned towards the staircase, feeling Lucius' hating eyes on his back as he went.  up he went, carrying the unconscious woman with him.

He wished to every god he could get her out of there.  But he couldn't.  Not without endangering himself, her, and his service to Dumbledore as a spy.

His mother and little sister would be in grave danger as well, should he be caught.

To die…he would gladly do as such.  But his sister and mother and Lily?  Never.

He entered the room that was acknowledged as his and laid the unconscious form upon the bed, collapsing into a chair in the corner.  Throwing the stark white mask off of his face into the opposite corner, he slumped in the chair, expression sullen.

He did not want to do this.

But he had no choice.

So he rose…

Severus threw himself violently from the dream/memory with a loud cry.  In the waking world, his body jerked upright, dark hair hanging in limp strings.  Sweat soaked the blankets beneath him and the duvet he had pulled over himself.

Swinging his legs out from under the now wet wool, he rose and padded across the room to his wardrobe.  He changed into dry clothes slowly then moved over to the bed, flicking his wand at them then at the blankets piled on his old school chest beside the wardrobe.  As the blankets changed themselves thanks to his spell, he turned and padded out into the main room of his spacious quarters.

His rooms, despite popular belief, were not decorated in Slytherin colors.  They were more of a mish mash of colors, most of them dark and earthy or the color of fire.  All three of the couches, all acquired second-hand, had frames of old dark wood and coverlets ranging from dark earthy green to blood red.  The plush chairs – also acquired second-hand – were in the same style.  He didn't really care for the color or wear as long as it was comfortable to sprawl on.  Which it all was.

A mass of hand-woven Muggle rugs adorned the floor, some of them overlapping others to cover all of the cold stones.  They were all in the same colors and all had normal patterns with the exception of one, which had been woven to depict the form of a huge green dragon.

Severus padded across all of this to his lab, leaning inside instead of stepping in.  So as to avoid the cold stone floor, only.

He gripped the doorframe as he leaned, wand lit as he reached out to turn on the sink installed just inside the door.  Summoning a goblet he generally used for Lupin's potion, he rinsed it then filled it to its brim with cool water.  Turning the water off, he pulled out of the lab, muttering "Nox" to his wand.

Crossing the room again, he sprawled out onto one of the couches and sipped at the water.  Dark eyes fixed onto a spot on the wall across the room as his mind wandered back to the dream/memory.

~ NO! ~

Severus spat the water out of his mouth and gagged.  He pushed himself up into a sitting position, placing the goblet on the floor by his feet.  Then he shivered from the cold and dragged the thick blanket off of the back of the couch.  He wrapped it tightly about himself, tucking the corners in where he could about his tall frame and stuffed pillows about the rest.  Leaning back, he took a deep breath and tried to clear the memory from his mind.

Lily's face loomed bright then and he moaned.  Efforts to forget completely wasted, he succumbed to the memory.

He Rose from the chair and walked over to the bed where Lily lay, her blood red hair splayed all about her.  She was so beautiful…

"I can't," he breathed, drawing back.  He turned away from the woman on the bed, the woman who had been his dearest – his only – friend at Hogwarts.  Only true friend, that is.

Behind him the emerald eyes winked open.

"Severus?"

He turned, fear in his dark eyes, and stared at her.  Self-consciously he drew the black Death Eater robes about himself and took a step back.  He looked down at the floor because he didn't want to see the dissapointment in her eyes.

"'Lo, Li."

Lily sat up slowly, reaching up with one dainty hand to rub at her head.

"What…where am I?  Are – are those Death Eater robes?"

He closed his eyes tight.  Merlin, he was ashamed.  Not even when his little sister had found the Mark had he been this ashamed.  What a hold this woman had over him.

"Yes," he choked out, turning away from her again.

He stood there a moment, trying to get ahold of himself (and failing miserably).  Then a pair of slim arms encircled his waist.  Warmth – Lily's warmth – pressed against his back, which stiffened as she hugged him.

Gently, her hands turned him about so she could look up into his face.

"Severus," she said in a gentle tone, "I won't ask why.  I won't.  I know why.  You had such…ideals in school.  I remember.  I forgive you."

"Lily," he choked, feeling ashamed and relieved at the same time.

"Why did they take me, Sev?  Why am I here?"

He swallowed hard, paused, then answered, voice trembling with anger.

"The Dark Lord – Voldemort – he wanted to give the higher ranks a little – a little sport, as he called it.  He sent out ten of our number to kidnap ten women.  You were one.  No one knew who they'd take until they brought them back.  It was random."

"They're not your number, Sev," insisted the redhead.

He shook his head.

"I'll always be one of their number, Lil.  Always.  This Mark," he rolled up his sleeve to show her, "is not only etched into my flesh, but into my soul.  I'll never escape the Death Eater ranks so long as I live."

Lily looked at him with sympathy and pity in her eyes and he looked away.  Sympathy he could stand.  Pity…pity was something no Snape would stand for.  Not even from Lily would he accept pity.

she looked hurt for a moment then embraced him.  he returned it slowly then quickly pulled her in tight, burying his face in her hair.

"I presume," she murmured into his ear, "that by 'sport' He meant sex."

He coughed and blew a lock of her hair away from his face before replying, "So I would presume."

"Will He…will He know if we don't…"

He only nodded and Lily pulled back from him, a small sad smile upon her face.

"Then…then I suppose we shall have to."

His dark eyes widened and he gasped, "Lil…I couldn't…I can't."

"I will not allow you to put yours, your mother's, and your sister's lives at risk!" snapped Lily, emerald eyes flashing.

"I can't…"

"I'm not giving you permission, Sev," said she sternly.  "I'm giving you an order.  You'll do it or so help me, I'll…I'll…"

"You'll what?"

"I'll do something very painful to you."

"Oh really?" said he with a smile.

"Yeah," rumbled Lily with a mischievious smirk.

His expression faded and he said, "I still can't…"

"You can and you will," snapped Lily as she grasped his hands and began to pull him towards the bed.  "I will not allow you to die because of me."

"Lily…"

Suddenly her lips trapped his and liquid fire seemed to blaze through him, engulfing everything.  His eyes snapped open as she pulled back, eyes aglow and cheeks rosey.  She then leaned her forehead against his and whispered, "It's the only way, Sev.  My dearest friend…I do love you."

His heart leapt and he breathed, "I've always loved you."

"Then don't let friendship stop you.  Don't let James, Sirius, Voldemort – anyone.  I…"

Her words were interrupted as he trapped her lips with his.  no more words were spoken after that.

~ I was such a fool, ~ thought Severus as he pulled away from the memory.  ~ One night I had her.  For one night she was mine.  And perhaps…perhaps safe. ~

With a heavy sigh, he closed his eyes and leaned back into the couch, pulling the blanket tighter about his shoulders.

~ But she was never mine.  Never.  For perhaps half an instant and then she was Potter's.  Then she was dead. ~

He shook himself and shivered.  Lily would've never been safe with him.  He'd been a Death Eater in the highest circle.  There had been four circles in Voldemort's so-called court: the Calco *, the new recruits; the Nidor *, the weaker one's ; the Letifer *, the more-skilled lot ; and the Caedes *, the best of the best, the Dark Lord's princes.  He had been of the Caedes.

And Merlin help him if Voldemort had found out about his loyalties to Dumbledore.  The old serpent might even know now.  He might be toying with him, making him believe he was safe until he uncoiled himself and lunged with fangs dripping their deadly venom.  Then he'd be dead, leaving his newly found sister alone in the world.

Hell itself would need to help Voldemort should he try to take Severus.  He may deplore what the Death Eater's did but he was a Snape and had been taught curses from the cradle up.  And he would fight till death should his sister be in danger.

Wrapping the blanket tighter about himself, Severus finally closed his eyes and tried to sleep again.

* * * * * *

Up in Gryffindor Tower, Harry Potter jolted awake, a scream almost ripping its way out of his throat.  For half a moment, he thought he was back in his cupboard under the stairs and snapped his jaws shut, forcing the scream back down.  The muscles all along his back clenched and quivered as he waited for the cupboard door to open and Uncle Vernon's face to loom in…

But it never came.  His vision cleared and he nearly collapsed with relief as he saw that he was not back under the stairs at the Dursley's but safe at Hogwarts in his own bed in Gryffindor Tower.  Pulling one scarlet curtain gently back, he peered over at Ron's bed.  The ginger-haired boy slept peacefully and a glance about the circular room told that so did the other boys.  With a sigh, the dark-haired teen collapsed against his pillow, green eyes closing.

Fire.  Blood.  Pain.  Avada Kedavra!  No, please, not my son!

Emerald eyes flew open and Harry remembered what had awoken him in the first place.  He had begun to dream of that fateful night of the Third Task but that had slowly shifted to what had appeared to be a Death Eater raid on a Muggle village.  Harry shivered and pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms about them as he tried not to remember.  But the images welled up and he clenched his eyes shut, tears leaking out as he saw a mother trapped in a Leg-Locker Curse trying to protect her seven-year-old son from a Death Eater.  That image was far too close to home.

~ Why? ~ he asked the empty air about him as a silver tear slipped silently down his cheek.  ~ Why the pain and suffering? ~

He shook his head, dark hair falling over his emerald eyes.  The moonlight streaming through the window shone on his hair, causing the reddish sheens to shimmer.  Muscles along his arms and back quivered as the image of that mother and her son flashed through his head again.  Quite suddenly he couldn't take it anymore and leapt from the bed, nearly tearing the curtains from their bearings as he made to escape the dormitory.

Stumbling down the staircase into the common room, he dashed across it to the bathroom and threw himself to his knees in front of the toilet, heaving up what remained of his meal from the Feast.  When his stomach was empty, he sagged against the porcelain bowl, forehead pressed up against its cool side.  His breath came in short gasps as he tried to get control of himself, sweat making his hair stick to his forehead.

Harry heaved himself to his feet, leaning heavily on the toilet as he pressed the lever to flush it.  Staggering back out into the common room, he fell upon the couch nearest the fire, which was barely a glimmer of flame now in the dim hours of the morning.  Hugging a scarlet pillow to his chest, he curled his long legs up against his chest and stared into the fire.

* * * * * *

Hermione was the first person in the common room the next morning, arriving there at a few minutes before 6:30.  Or she thought she was the first person there.  A glance at the couch nearest the fire dismissed that notion.

"Harry?" queried the bushy-haired girl and took a step forward, a frown crossing her features.

The dark-haired boy on the couch didn't move at the sound of her voice.  But when she reached out to gently touch his bare shoulder, which was showing because of the baggy shirt he was wearing, she prompted a reaction.

Harry leapt away from her with a cry, green eyes wild as he scrambled to the other side of the couch.  Hermione jumped back and clapped her hands over her mouth in shock at her friend's behavior.  When she recovered herself, she took a small step towards him.

"Harry?"

The dark-haired boy pushed himself as far back into the couch as he would go, clutching the pillow to his chest like a shield.  His eyes, wild and unfocused, were locked onto her but Hermione felt as though he was looking right through her.  As though he was seeing something she couldn't see.

"Harry?" she asked again, reaching a quivering hand out towards him.  He flinched away, as though he thought the hand would strike him.  Hermione started to pull back then thought better of it and continued forward.  Harry shivered and buried his face in the pillow as her hand came closer.

When she gently touched his shoulder again, he let out a small cry and tried to jerk away.  But the couch wouldn't allow it and she was now close enough that the only way he could get away would be to shove her aside.

Hermione eased herself down onto the couch beside her friend, her hand still upon his shoulder.  She could feel him shaking beneath her touch and wondered what was prompting his odd behavior.  Gently, she reached out and pulled the pillow away from his face, revealing his now much leaner visage.  Tears streaked his cheeks silver and his emerald eyes blinked into focus as soon as they locked onto her face.

"Mione," he mumbled in a childish, petulant little voice and Hermione felt the urge to pull him into her arms and hug him.

So she did.  At first Harry resisted, trying to pull away from the unfamiliar embrace, then he sank into it with a sigh of release.  Hermione held him until the unexplained shivers stopped running along his lanky form.  When those stopped, she pulled a tissue from her pocket and gently brushed the tears from his cheeks.

Harry looked at her with calm green eyes, wondering inwardly if she would ask him what that earlier was all about.  But she just dabbed the tears away and put the now slightly damp tissue back into the pocket of her robe.  Then she smiled at him and hugged him tightly, which caused him to whimper with pain.

"Harry?" she said with a frown, pulling back.  "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," mumbled Harry in reply.  He reached up to pull the old baggy shirt (which had once belonged to Dudley) back up onto his rake-thin shoulders but Hermione put her hand in the way.  Brown eyes locked with green and Harry dropped his hand as he saw the look in the girl's eyes.  She was going to find out what was wrong and he was in no condition at the moment to stop her.

Hermione watched the dark-haired boy's face as she gripped the bottom of the baggy shirt and began to pull it up.  He made no move to stop her and lifted his arms obediently when she pulled it up and over his head.

The shirt fell to the floor with a gasp as the girl saw a sight she never wished to see again.  Purple and yellow bruises covered the whole right side of her friend's stomach, a few of them trailing down to disappear beneath the waistband of his pants.  Small, newly healed scars covered his upper torso and part of his stomach.  As all of them were grouped in fours, it was a good guess that they had come from a fork.

Hermione leaned over to peer at Harry's back, which wasn't in much better condition that his front.  Bruises covered the whole of it, accented here and there by the tiny fork scars.  A large brown bruise was on the lower left half of his back with a matching one near his right shoulder blade.  She covered her mouth in shock and fell back against the arm of the couch.

"Oh my God…  Harry…"

Harry turned his head away from her, face lost in a curtain of dark hair that shone slightly red.  "It's nothing," he murmured, almost to himself.

"Nothing?" gasped Hermione with a look of disbelief on her face.  She pushed herself up and reached out to grasp her friend's lightly muscled arms.  "Harry, its not nothing!  Who did this to you?  The Dursley's?"

There was no response from the turned head.

"It was, wasn't it?  I ought to tell…"

"No!" hissed Harry in a desperate voice, his head bouncing up.  Emerald eyes flashed and he reached up to grasp Hermione's arms in a painful grip.  "Don't tell anyone!"

"Harry, why…why are you protecting them?!" demanded Hermione, eyes flashing.  She ignored the pain in her arms for the moment.  Her friend's welfare was more important that a few bruises.

Harry looked away and said softly, "I don't have anywhere else to go."

Hermione started to open her mouth then snapped it shut.  She understood now.  If Harry was taken from the Dursley's, he'd have no place else to go but an orphanage.  And Lord knew how many people would love to get they're hands on the Boy-Who-Lived.  Most of them wouldn't have a warm and friendly home in mind.

"Dumbledore wouldn't let that happen," assured Hermione.

"And I won't make him go through that," said Harry seriously.  He released Hermione and bent to retrieve his shirt, standing up as he did so.  The teenage girl got a good look at the lean lines of his torso and back as he pulled the baggy shirt back over his head.  Her face grew hot as he turned back towards her and leaned down until their eyes met.

"Promise me," he said.  "Promise me that you won't tell anyone.  Not even Ron."

Hermione frowned, knowing she shouldn't make such a promise.  But at the petulant look on her friend's face and that begging tone in his voice (not to mention his pleading eyes) she had to agree.

"Not even Ron."

Harry smiled and murmured, "Thanks, Mione."  He then straightened and turned towards the boy's staircase, slowly heading up it.  Hermione watched him as he went, her mind reeling.

~ The Dursley's beat him, ~ her brain screamed.  ~ Was that why he reacted to me the way he did? ~

* * * * * *

Harry reappeared a few minutes later, accompanied by a still partially asleep Ron.  The ginger-haired boy looked like an owl roused into daylight, blinking his blue eyes blearily as Hermione.

"'Lo, Herm-o-ninny," he mumbled incoherently as he stumbled down the staircase and collapsed into a chair.  Instantly, he was snoring.

Hermione frowned at the somewhat shorter figure who had come down the stairs behind the tall boy and snipped, "You just had to wake him, didn't you?"

"Of course," replied Harry with a smirk that was far too familiar for comfort.  He gently shook the chair Ron was sprawled in, earning a groan and half a glare for his trouble.  "C'mon, Ron…"

"Bugger off," came the muffled reply from the chair.

"Oh, let him sleep," scolded Hermione.  "He apparently needs it."

"Mrrph," said the chair and Harry chuckled softly, leaning against the chair.  He smiled gently at Hermione, who felt as though the events of a few moments earlier had been cast aside and forgotten.

But when they roused Ron up a little later and set out for the Great Hall for breakfast, Hermione felt a slightly calloused hand enclose hers.  She turned as she started to step out into the corridor past the Fat Lady's portrait and felt her knees threaten to melt as she met Harry's brilliant green eyes.

"Thanks," murmured the boy, unknowing of the effect he was having on the girl in front of him.

Hermione opened her mouth, closed it, then opened her mouth again.  She stared Harry into the eyes as she said softly, "I promised.  And I won't break a promise unless I have to."

Harry smiled in an oddly familiar sort of way and said, "Then we'll just have to see that you don't have to do that, won't we?"

Hermione felt herself enlivened by his mischievous smile and grinned in return.

"Oi!" came a cry from down the corridor that had the two of them springing apart.  Both turned their eyes to Ron, who was looking back at them with a perturbed expression on his face.  He yelled, "Are you two just going to stand there all day or are we going to go eat?"

"We're coming, Ron," called Harry back, his eyes focusing back upon Hermione.  "Its not like anyone's going to be up this early."

Ron snorted and grumbled, "Then why am I up this early?  Oh, yes.  Because a certain dark-haired wraith from Hell decided to wake me up."

Harry gave his friend a Look and said, "Thanks, Ron.  Now people are going to be afraid of me."  He grinned slightly at Hermione and added, "C'mon then, Mione.  Let's not keep Grumpy waiting."

"Lead on, kind sir," joked Hermione, allowing Harry to step out into the corridor in front of her.  He chuckled and, as they caught up to Ron, gave the ginger-haired boy a playful shove.  Ron frowned then rolled his eyes and shoved the dark-haired boy back.  Hermione laughed and called both of them idiots.

Behind them, the Fat Lady shook her head and chuckled softly at their antics.

* calco – tread under foot

* nidor - reek

* letifer – death-dealing

* caedes - carnage