Disclaimer: See chapter 1 for full disclaimer and notes.
Thanks to my reviewers from ff.net and Twisting the Hellmouth. This week's special thanks to Iscariot at ff.net for a fantastic review that made my day and for pointing out my review settings mistake (that I promptly fixed), and to emmy at TtH, for multiple reviews, which also make me happy. The next chapter should be up next weekend.
Chapter 15: Are You Now?
Five minutes before she was scheduled to be there, Tara timidly knocked on the closed door of the potions classroom. She stood back when she heard a shuffling noise inside, and wondered why she was so nervous about a one-on-one lesson with Professor Snape.
Readjusting the stack of supplies she was carrying, she smiled shyly as the professor opened the door, motioning for her to enter. She followed him into the classroom and discovered that he had already prepared a work area for them on one of the desks in the center of the room.
"I have a deal to make with you," Snape said as she placed her books and pencils next to the empty cauldron.
Tara eyed him suspiciously, "what kind of deal?"
Snape took a seat on a nearby stool, and motioned for Tara to do the same. "I must admit that I am curious as to your past, especially your recent past and your dealings with Miss Summers and her group."
Tara nodded, waiting for him to get to his point.
"I will teach you potions if you will tell me about your adventures with the Vampire Slayer."
Tara quirked her brow, "but you already promised the Headmaster that you would help me."
Snape smiled a bit at this, "Alright, I will teach you.patiently."
"Deal," Tara agreed, laughing.
"So," began Snape, turning in his seat so that she had his full attention, "tell me about defeating that vampire."
Tara smiled and looked down at her hands, embarrassed, "well, Mr. Giles did most of the work, I just happened to be in the right place at the end."
"Take credit where credit is due," Snape replied, frowning, "you saved my life."
Tara looked up at him through a thin veil of her hair. "Actually, your wand saved you. If it hadn't been there, I don't know what I would have done."
Snape nodded, watching silently.
"Um, but I held onto it because sometimes weapons turn to dust too. Or, disappear maybe? I'm not sure, but Buffy goes through stakes really quickly. Maybe they just break." Tara rambled in spite of herself under the potions professor's scrutiny.
An uncomfortable silence fell over the room, a half-developed potion bubbling in the corner making the only sound.
Snape cleared his throat, turning back to the cauldron on the desk in front of him. Tara took this to be the signal that the conversation was over, also turning to the desk.
They spent the next two hours going over some of the most basic potions, with Snape explaining and then creating the quickly made ones, and Tara discussing similar spells and potions she had worked with over the years. The awkwardness that had occurred at the beginning of the session was forgotten, and Tara found that she was actually having fun talking with someone who was just as excited about the subject as she.
*Not that Dawn and Mr. Giles aren't nice to be around, but I really do need Willow for some of this,* Tara found herself thinking as she gathered her notes together.
She frowned at the unexpected Willow related stream of conciousness.
"Is there a problem?" Snape asked, misreading her frown of sorrow for one of confusion.
"No," Tara said, shaking his head and feeling slightly guilty, whether for letting herself stray from the task at hand or for some other reason, she couldn't tell.
Tara looked up at Snape, who was still watching her, a frown on his face.
"Thank you for the lesson, Professor," she said, giving him a smile, "it was nice change from sitting by the fire and reading a book. I had fun."
Snape's frown deepened.
"And- and I learned a lot," she added, noticing the frown, "not too much fun, I swear."
The potions professor smiled fleetingly at this before he turned serious again. "I don't think we can do this again."
Now Tara was frowning, more confused than ever. "I thought you enjoyed-"
Snape shook his head, cutting her off, "It's not that. I just- I don't believe this was a good idea to begin with."
Tara waited for him to continue, having no idea what he was getting at.
"I am not a good or innocent person," he began after gathering his thoughts, "I've done things in my past that I am not proud of."
"Everyone's done things that they regret. Doesn't the fact that you regret them mean you're not the same person?" Tara replied, thinking of her early days with the Scoobies, when she had been convinced she was part demon.
Snape scrutinized her, his gaze filled with an indiscernible emotion.
"Even Buffy, the Slayer, a fighter for good, has done things that she regrets," Tara continued in a reassuring tone, "no one is without faults."
"Some worse than others," replied Snape with a sneer.
Tara found herself intensely curious as to what could be so bad that it would cause such strong emotion in the usually collected professor, but she held back the question, waiting to see if he would tell her on his own.
As if reading her mind, Snape said in a quiet voice, "I wasn't always a force for good, let us say."
Tara nodded.
"I seem to be continually underestimating you," Snape said after her mild response.
Grinning briefly, Tara nodded again. "Well, it's the age-old story, isn't it? You've done bad things, realized that wasn't really what you were about, and now you're seeking redemption through good deeds."
"I wouldn't call it good deeds."
Tara smirked, "so teaching students is."
"Penance."
"I see."
Snape looked at her smirk, confusion in his eyes.
"The next time you get the chance, ask Dawn about her sister's first love. From what I hear, he could teach you about penance," Tara said, knowing Dawn would love to relate to someone new the "Tragic Tale of Buffy and Angel", as she called it when she recited it to Tara the first time.
Hopefully she wouldn't mind too greatly if the someone new happened to be Professor Snape.
*I'll have to remind him to ask politely,* Tara thought sardonically.
Snape shifted his robes around, breaking into Tara's train of thought.
"Was that the reason?" she asked, remembering the original point of the conversation.
"It is reason enough," replied Snape.
"What are the others?"
Snape's eyes glanced away ever so slightly, causing Tara to wonder if perhaps he was nervous for some reason.
"I am quite certain it is better to have less than you need rather than more than you can handle," he replied cryptically.
Tara went over his words in her head, still confused. "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by that."
As he studied her for a long moment, she could see that he was conflicted about something.
Snape sighed. "Any friends I were to have would be hurt through their association with me."
He continued to study her, and she found herself looking right back at him.
"I'm not the kind of person who has a large group of friends," she finally replied. "But the ones I make, I am loyal to. I've lost almost everything for my friends, but if you're not willing to, then what's the point, really?" she said, smiling through the last part.
Snape stared at her a moment longer before muttering what sounded like "unbelievable" under his breath. Tara wasn't sure if it was a good or bad comment.
"The question is," he continued the debate, "do the losses outweigh the gains?"
"I suppose that depends on who you are," Tara replied, after thinking about it for a moment, "but personally, I'd have to say no."
Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Especially with one in particular," Tara admitted, after seeing the curious look.
The Potions Master seemed to freeze for a split second. To Tara it almost looked like a double-take, and she wondered if she had gotten more personal than he was comfortable with.
"If it's not too personal," he started, immediately letting her know that that wasn't what had caused the reaction, "I am willing to listen."
Tara sighed, nodding. "It is personal, but I think I'm at the point where I need an outsider's perspective."
Snape's flinch went unnoticed by Tara as she finally began to let her pent up emotions escape.
"I haven't had anyone to talk to about her. These kinds of things, well, I guess I'm used to talking to her about them."
"Her?" Snape asked, confused.
"Willow," replied Tara.
He nodded, not quite in understanding, but as a signal that she should continue.
She looked at him, "I suppose I should tell you that this is in confidence, but I trust you."
*There was his frown after the word "trust" again,* Tara noted.
She decided to ignore it for the moment. "Do you remember how I told you about her problems with magic and trying to control everything?"
Snape nodded.
Tara took a deep breath. "Well, it seems that the thing she most wants to control is me."
"And why is that?" the professor asked in a more hesitant voice than Tara thought he was capable of.
She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping this was the right thing. "Because she's in love with me. Strong emotions and impatience led her to some bad choices."
Snape was sitting as still as a statue.
"She was hurt very badly in the past," Tara added, hoping that this would help explain something that she herself didn't fully understand.
Professor Snape blinked, and then shook his head, finally moving again.
"And you are in love with her," he said, more as a statement than a question.
"Some people have problems with that. I've gotten used to it, but I wasn't sure if things were different here. It's stupid, really." Tara replied, nervously, unable to gauge the professor's reaction.
"It is not a bad thing," Snape replied, "just.unusual."
Tara couldn't help but laugh at that, partly out of relief, and partly as a reaction to the potions professor finding something unusual.
*Because any of this is normal,* she thought to herself.
Her laughter died when she saw Snape's expression.
"This woman is a danger to you?" he asked, his face filled with worry and a hint of anger.
"I don't know," Tara admitted, "I think I'm more of a danger to myself."
Snape gave her a questioning look.
"She made me who I am today, saved my life in a manner of speaking. Leaving her was the hardest thing I've ever done, and staying away is just as bad."
Snape nodded.
Professor and student both jumped when a knock at the door interrupted their conversation.
Snape crossed the room to answer it and Tara gathered her books in her arms, surprised to see how late it was.
She looked up to find Professor Lupin studying her, his tired face paler than normal.
"Good evening, Tara," he greeted when she caught his eye.
She smiled at him hesitantly, "hello, Professor. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he replied, smiling back.
They both turned when Professor Snape reappeared out of a connecting room, a bottle in his hand.
"Thank you for the lesson, Professor," Tara said to him, moving past Lupin and stopping in the doorway.
"It was my pleasure," replied Snape.
Remus glanced between the two questioningly as Tara turned to leave.
"Miss Maclay," the potions professor said, causing her to turn back toward him. "Next time perhaps a discussion of defense spells?"
Tara nodded, a grin on her face. "I'm practically an expert, you know."
Remus raised an eyebrow at this, but she just smiled at him, disappearing out the door.
~-~-~-
Tara arrived back at the common room she shared with Dawn to find a veritable party going on inside. The Weasley twins, along with Lee, Angelina, another girl she didn't know, and Dawn were all camped around the fire, eating plates of what appeared to be various desserts.
"What's going on?" she asked, getting their attention.
Dawn waved at her after slapping Lee's hand as he tried to grab her plate. "We're avoiding the war zone."
"War zone?" asked Tara, taking a seat next to one of the twins, who offered her a pastry.
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Ron and Hermione have taken over their common room in a spectacular display of stupidity with just a dash of sexual tension."
Tara raised an eyebrow.
"Hermione's cat, if you can call it that, has driven Ron mad," supplied the twin, eating the pastry himself after Tara turned it down.
"Isn't it after curfew?" Tara inquired, causing more than one of the students to shake a dismissive hand.
"So where have you been?" asked Dawn, finally giving up and handing her plate over to Lee, who happily accepted it.
"Professor Snape is teaching me potions," Tara replied.
Half of the students began to cough, choking on their food.
"Bloody hell," said the twin next to her, "you are the bravest woman I know."
Thanks to my reviewers from ff.net and Twisting the Hellmouth. This week's special thanks to Iscariot at ff.net for a fantastic review that made my day and for pointing out my review settings mistake (that I promptly fixed), and to emmy at TtH, for multiple reviews, which also make me happy. The next chapter should be up next weekend.
Chapter 15: Are You Now?
Five minutes before she was scheduled to be there, Tara timidly knocked on the closed door of the potions classroom. She stood back when she heard a shuffling noise inside, and wondered why she was so nervous about a one-on-one lesson with Professor Snape.
Readjusting the stack of supplies she was carrying, she smiled shyly as the professor opened the door, motioning for her to enter. She followed him into the classroom and discovered that he had already prepared a work area for them on one of the desks in the center of the room.
"I have a deal to make with you," Snape said as she placed her books and pencils next to the empty cauldron.
Tara eyed him suspiciously, "what kind of deal?"
Snape took a seat on a nearby stool, and motioned for Tara to do the same. "I must admit that I am curious as to your past, especially your recent past and your dealings with Miss Summers and her group."
Tara nodded, waiting for him to get to his point.
"I will teach you potions if you will tell me about your adventures with the Vampire Slayer."
Tara quirked her brow, "but you already promised the Headmaster that you would help me."
Snape smiled a bit at this, "Alright, I will teach you.patiently."
"Deal," Tara agreed, laughing.
"So," began Snape, turning in his seat so that she had his full attention, "tell me about defeating that vampire."
Tara smiled and looked down at her hands, embarrassed, "well, Mr. Giles did most of the work, I just happened to be in the right place at the end."
"Take credit where credit is due," Snape replied, frowning, "you saved my life."
Tara looked up at him through a thin veil of her hair. "Actually, your wand saved you. If it hadn't been there, I don't know what I would have done."
Snape nodded, watching silently.
"Um, but I held onto it because sometimes weapons turn to dust too. Or, disappear maybe? I'm not sure, but Buffy goes through stakes really quickly. Maybe they just break." Tara rambled in spite of herself under the potions professor's scrutiny.
An uncomfortable silence fell over the room, a half-developed potion bubbling in the corner making the only sound.
Snape cleared his throat, turning back to the cauldron on the desk in front of him. Tara took this to be the signal that the conversation was over, also turning to the desk.
They spent the next two hours going over some of the most basic potions, with Snape explaining and then creating the quickly made ones, and Tara discussing similar spells and potions she had worked with over the years. The awkwardness that had occurred at the beginning of the session was forgotten, and Tara found that she was actually having fun talking with someone who was just as excited about the subject as she.
*Not that Dawn and Mr. Giles aren't nice to be around, but I really do need Willow for some of this,* Tara found herself thinking as she gathered her notes together.
She frowned at the unexpected Willow related stream of conciousness.
"Is there a problem?" Snape asked, misreading her frown of sorrow for one of confusion.
"No," Tara said, shaking his head and feeling slightly guilty, whether for letting herself stray from the task at hand or for some other reason, she couldn't tell.
Tara looked up at Snape, who was still watching her, a frown on his face.
"Thank you for the lesson, Professor," she said, giving him a smile, "it was nice change from sitting by the fire and reading a book. I had fun."
Snape's frown deepened.
"And- and I learned a lot," she added, noticing the frown, "not too much fun, I swear."
The potions professor smiled fleetingly at this before he turned serious again. "I don't think we can do this again."
Now Tara was frowning, more confused than ever. "I thought you enjoyed-"
Snape shook his head, cutting her off, "It's not that. I just- I don't believe this was a good idea to begin with."
Tara waited for him to continue, having no idea what he was getting at.
"I am not a good or innocent person," he began after gathering his thoughts, "I've done things in my past that I am not proud of."
"Everyone's done things that they regret. Doesn't the fact that you regret them mean you're not the same person?" Tara replied, thinking of her early days with the Scoobies, when she had been convinced she was part demon.
Snape scrutinized her, his gaze filled with an indiscernible emotion.
"Even Buffy, the Slayer, a fighter for good, has done things that she regrets," Tara continued in a reassuring tone, "no one is without faults."
"Some worse than others," replied Snape with a sneer.
Tara found herself intensely curious as to what could be so bad that it would cause such strong emotion in the usually collected professor, but she held back the question, waiting to see if he would tell her on his own.
As if reading her mind, Snape said in a quiet voice, "I wasn't always a force for good, let us say."
Tara nodded.
"I seem to be continually underestimating you," Snape said after her mild response.
Grinning briefly, Tara nodded again. "Well, it's the age-old story, isn't it? You've done bad things, realized that wasn't really what you were about, and now you're seeking redemption through good deeds."
"I wouldn't call it good deeds."
Tara smirked, "so teaching students is."
"Penance."
"I see."
Snape looked at her smirk, confusion in his eyes.
"The next time you get the chance, ask Dawn about her sister's first love. From what I hear, he could teach you about penance," Tara said, knowing Dawn would love to relate to someone new the "Tragic Tale of Buffy and Angel", as she called it when she recited it to Tara the first time.
Hopefully she wouldn't mind too greatly if the someone new happened to be Professor Snape.
*I'll have to remind him to ask politely,* Tara thought sardonically.
Snape shifted his robes around, breaking into Tara's train of thought.
"Was that the reason?" she asked, remembering the original point of the conversation.
"It is reason enough," replied Snape.
"What are the others?"
Snape's eyes glanced away ever so slightly, causing Tara to wonder if perhaps he was nervous for some reason.
"I am quite certain it is better to have less than you need rather than more than you can handle," he replied cryptically.
Tara went over his words in her head, still confused. "I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by that."
As he studied her for a long moment, she could see that he was conflicted about something.
Snape sighed. "Any friends I were to have would be hurt through their association with me."
He continued to study her, and she found herself looking right back at him.
"I'm not the kind of person who has a large group of friends," she finally replied. "But the ones I make, I am loyal to. I've lost almost everything for my friends, but if you're not willing to, then what's the point, really?" she said, smiling through the last part.
Snape stared at her a moment longer before muttering what sounded like "unbelievable" under his breath. Tara wasn't sure if it was a good or bad comment.
"The question is," he continued the debate, "do the losses outweigh the gains?"
"I suppose that depends on who you are," Tara replied, after thinking about it for a moment, "but personally, I'd have to say no."
Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Especially with one in particular," Tara admitted, after seeing the curious look.
The Potions Master seemed to freeze for a split second. To Tara it almost looked like a double-take, and she wondered if she had gotten more personal than he was comfortable with.
"If it's not too personal," he started, immediately letting her know that that wasn't what had caused the reaction, "I am willing to listen."
Tara sighed, nodding. "It is personal, but I think I'm at the point where I need an outsider's perspective."
Snape's flinch went unnoticed by Tara as she finally began to let her pent up emotions escape.
"I haven't had anyone to talk to about her. These kinds of things, well, I guess I'm used to talking to her about them."
"Her?" Snape asked, confused.
"Willow," replied Tara.
He nodded, not quite in understanding, but as a signal that she should continue.
She looked at him, "I suppose I should tell you that this is in confidence, but I trust you."
*There was his frown after the word "trust" again,* Tara noted.
She decided to ignore it for the moment. "Do you remember how I told you about her problems with magic and trying to control everything?"
Snape nodded.
Tara took a deep breath. "Well, it seems that the thing she most wants to control is me."
"And why is that?" the professor asked in a more hesitant voice than Tara thought he was capable of.
She closed her eyes for a moment, hoping this was the right thing. "Because she's in love with me. Strong emotions and impatience led her to some bad choices."
Snape was sitting as still as a statue.
"She was hurt very badly in the past," Tara added, hoping that this would help explain something that she herself didn't fully understand.
Professor Snape blinked, and then shook his head, finally moving again.
"And you are in love with her," he said, more as a statement than a question.
"Some people have problems with that. I've gotten used to it, but I wasn't sure if things were different here. It's stupid, really." Tara replied, nervously, unable to gauge the professor's reaction.
"It is not a bad thing," Snape replied, "just.unusual."
Tara couldn't help but laugh at that, partly out of relief, and partly as a reaction to the potions professor finding something unusual.
*Because any of this is normal,* she thought to herself.
Her laughter died when she saw Snape's expression.
"This woman is a danger to you?" he asked, his face filled with worry and a hint of anger.
"I don't know," Tara admitted, "I think I'm more of a danger to myself."
Snape gave her a questioning look.
"She made me who I am today, saved my life in a manner of speaking. Leaving her was the hardest thing I've ever done, and staying away is just as bad."
Snape nodded.
Professor and student both jumped when a knock at the door interrupted their conversation.
Snape crossed the room to answer it and Tara gathered her books in her arms, surprised to see how late it was.
She looked up to find Professor Lupin studying her, his tired face paler than normal.
"Good evening, Tara," he greeted when she caught his eye.
She smiled at him hesitantly, "hello, Professor. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he replied, smiling back.
They both turned when Professor Snape reappeared out of a connecting room, a bottle in his hand.
"Thank you for the lesson, Professor," Tara said to him, moving past Lupin and stopping in the doorway.
"It was my pleasure," replied Snape.
Remus glanced between the two questioningly as Tara turned to leave.
"Miss Maclay," the potions professor said, causing her to turn back toward him. "Next time perhaps a discussion of defense spells?"
Tara nodded, a grin on her face. "I'm practically an expert, you know."
Remus raised an eyebrow at this, but she just smiled at him, disappearing out the door.
~-~-~-
Tara arrived back at the common room she shared with Dawn to find a veritable party going on inside. The Weasley twins, along with Lee, Angelina, another girl she didn't know, and Dawn were all camped around the fire, eating plates of what appeared to be various desserts.
"What's going on?" she asked, getting their attention.
Dawn waved at her after slapping Lee's hand as he tried to grab her plate. "We're avoiding the war zone."
"War zone?" asked Tara, taking a seat next to one of the twins, who offered her a pastry.
Dawn rolled her eyes. "Ron and Hermione have taken over their common room in a spectacular display of stupidity with just a dash of sexual tension."
Tara raised an eyebrow.
"Hermione's cat, if you can call it that, has driven Ron mad," supplied the twin, eating the pastry himself after Tara turned it down.
"Isn't it after curfew?" Tara inquired, causing more than one of the students to shake a dismissive hand.
"So where have you been?" asked Dawn, finally giving up and handing her plate over to Lee, who happily accepted it.
"Professor Snape is teaching me potions," Tara replied.
Half of the students began to cough, choking on their food.
"Bloody hell," said the twin next to her, "you are the bravest woman I know."
