Disclaimer: See chapter 1 for full disclaimer and notes.
Thanks to my reviewers from ff.net and Twisting the Hellmouth. CinnamonGrrl- thanks for your comment. I plan on going back and rephrasing that paragraph after the holiday. I agree that it was kind of awkwardly written. Constructive criticism is always appreciated! It's good to know when you're taken out of the story by something, if only cuz it tells me that you were actually in the story at some point, which is, of course, my entire reason for writing this. Also, sorry about the delay. Family stuff has kept me from getting anything written lately. I hope to get the next chapter done over the holiday, but I don't know. It will definitely be up the weekend after next if it's not up next weekend. Whew! That was a long author's note. On with the story.
Chapter 20: Coming Clean
"Conflicted." Snape said in a hushed voice, repeating Tara's comment from a moment before.
"Yeah," Tara replied, her voice barely more than a whisper as she played with a loose thread on her shirt.
"Miss Maclay," said Snape, in a quietly commanding tone.
Tara continued to look toward the floor, her face slowly turning red as she realized what she had admitted to him.
"Tara," Snape said after a moment.
Tara was so surprised to hear her first name that she forgot her embarrassment, her head whipping up.
Professor Snape was looking intently into her face, his mouth in a slight frown. When he broke her gaze and motioned for her to follow him, she did so without hesitation. He led her into his adjoining office, motioning for her to take a seat in a chair facing his desk, while he took one next to it. Tara was almost amused to note that even in the middle of this emotional - whatever this was - he put enough thought into the situation to not sit behind his desk.
*As if I'm not nervous enough.*
She settled into the chair, avoiding his gaze even when it was obvious he was waiting for her to speak.
"Tara," he said again, with the same result as before.
"Professor," replied Tara, frowning when he flinched.
He didn't comment, but rather shifted around in his seat, then reached out and took both her hands in his.
"When I told you," Snape began, pausing to take a deep breath. "When I told you how I felt, I wasn't trying to force anything. I just needed you to know."
Tara couldn't help but smile, her eyes focused on her hands, which were still loosely gripped by his.
"It was completely selfish on my part, but I am new to this friendship concept," he added, with a hint of a smile.
Tara's smile widened. She gripped his hands tighter for a moment before letting them go.
She looked up at him, her smile faltering. "I feel guilty."
Snape nodded but said nothing, waiting for her to continue.
"I read Willow's letter and the first thought I had was 'I need to find Professor Snape.' My first thought should have been about her. It wasn't."
Snape sat back in his chair, his dark eyes on Tara's face. He appeared to be contemplating her words for what seemed to be hours, when in reality it was less than a minute.
"You shouldn't feel guilty," he finally said, his expression remarkably similar to what Willow called her 'resolve face'. "The fact that you feel guilty means that you do care about her feelings."
Tara nodded. "I know, I just feel guilty. It's stupid, really."
Shaking his head, Snape leaned forward, grabbing hold of Tara's hands again. "You're a sympathetic person, Tara. It's part of what makes you who you are."
Tara tried to fight it, but she couldn't hold her grin back before he noticed.
He raised an eyebrow at her in his typical fashion, causing her grin to widen even further.
"I'm sorry," she said, beaming, "it's the name thing."
Snape sighed and rolled his eyes, which only caused her to break out into a fit of giggles. He let go of her hands so that she could wipe her eyes as tears sprung up. By the time she had gotten control of herself, he was also grinning, albeit in an exasperated way.
"I th-think I'm having an emotional breakdown," Tara said, catching her breath and wiping the last of her tears away.
"Apparently," replied Snape.
"How do you not think that Dawn and I are completely insane?" asked Tara, finally regaining her composure.
"Who says I don't?"
"Oh, come on, you like Dawnie, admit it."
"Oh yes, I love loud American muggles who wreak havoc in my classroom on an almost daily basis."
Tara grinned mischievously, the tense moments of before forgotten.
"Your days would be so boring without her and the wondertwins scheming."
"Yes, well, boring sounds pleasant. Much better than life threatening."
"Yeah."
As they both realized just how life threatening things had become, the mood was broken and their banter faltered.
"Can I ask you a question?" Tara asked.
Snape smirked. "Was that not a question?"
This time it was Tara who rolled her eyes. "Has Professor Dumbledore said anything to you about Doc?"
Snape frowned. "I don't see why he would say something to me before telling you. I'm not the one being threatened."
"That wasn't an answer."
"No, he hasn't said anything."
"Oh."
They sat in a not entirely uncomfortable silence. It was shattered by the classroom door banging open.
"Professor Snape!" a familiar voice shouted.
Tara jumped up from her chair just as Giles opened the door and stepped into the office.
"Oh, um, hello Tara," he said, looking sheepish. "I didn't know you were here."
"Hi Mr. Giles," Tara replied, kicking herself for getting embarrassed again. She could feel her face getting warm, which meant it was most likely turning an irritating shade of red too.
Snape looked between the two of them before focusing on the flustered Watcher. "What can I do for you, Mr. Giles?"
"Um," Giles began, glancing over at Tara, "well."
He took of his glasses and began cleaning them in what was obviously an attempt to regain control of the situation.
"Do you need me to leave? I can go look for Dawn," Tara offered, not sure if her presence was the cause of Giles's sudden glasses-cleaning.
Giles looked at her gratefully and she began to go around him toward the door, but a hand gripped her arm, holding her back. She turned to see Snape still looking at Giles, but keeping hold of her.
"Is something wrong, Mr. Giles?" Snape asked, as Giles frowned at the hand on Tara's arm.
Giles looked up at Tara and, seeing that she didn't seem put off by the hand on her arm, turned back to Snape.
"We have located Doc."
Tara's eyes widened and the hand on her arm pulled her down until she was sitting in the chair she had just vacated. Before she even realized she was sitting again, Snape had let go of her, moving behind the desk to take his own chair, leaving the one next to Tara for Giles.
Giles sat, putting his glasses back on. "He is hiding in the nearby wizarding village, but we can't pinpoint his exact location."
Snape nodded, steepling his fingers and resting his elbows on his desk. "There is too much magic in Hogsmeade for your spells to find him."
"The Headmaster seemed to think you might have something to contribute. Perhaps an idea of how to proceed?"
Snape seemed surprised, his expression only betraying him for a moment, but long enough for Tara to see it. She wondered whether the surprise was that he was supposed to have answers or that Dumbledore had suggested him in the first place.
"I will give it some thought and let you know tomorrow morning, if that is acceptable."
Giles nodded. He stood up and looked over at Tara. "I was heading up to see Dawn, if you would like to join me?"
Tara glanced at Snape, who nodded. She also stood, smiling at Giles. "Sure, Mr. Giles. Lead the way."
They said their goodbyes, Tara's expression telling Snape that their conversation was far from over, and left the room.
~-~-~-
"It's not fair!" Dawn said, a bit too loudly, for the fifth time in two hours. "What other chance will I get to see a real wizard-filled town? They have cool stores and stuff."
Tara eyed Dawn. "Stores?"
"Yeah," Dawn said enthusiastically. "Where they sell all kinds of cool candy and stuff. Those chocolate frogs, crazy-flavored jelly beans, all kinds of stuff. And there's this pub-type place where they sell this drink called butterbeer-"
"Dawn." Tara interrupted the girl before she could turn the conversation into a full-on rant.
Dawn looked over at her, her excited expression changing to one Tara was all too familiar with.
*Crap,* Tara thought. She put on her intimidating face. "What did you do?"
"What do you mean?" asked Dawn in her best 'I'm totally innocent and wrongly accused' voice.
Tara's eyes narrowed. "Dawnie."
"So what were you studying with Snape today?"
Tara almost laughed out loud at Dawn's blatant attempt at a subject change. "Dawn, what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything?"
Tara studied her some more, until the younger girl began shifting her weight from foot to foot and biting her lip.
"What are you planning to do?"
"Nothing!" Dawn said a little too quickly.
*Aha!* "Just promise me that it's not dangerous-"
"It's not!"
"-and it doesn't involve Professor Snape-"
"Like I want to see Mr. Brood all pissed off again."
"-and it doesn't involve going into the wizard town."
Guilt flashed across Dawn's face as she neglected to dispute this last one.
"Dawnie," Tara said, her stomach twisting into knots as she realized that, of course, Dawn didn't know about Doc being so close. "You have to promise me you'll stay here."
"Tara-"
"Promise me!" Tara said, so harshly that Dawn flinched.
"I promise," Dawn replied, scared by the look on Tara's face. "What's going on?"
"It's not my place to say, Dawn. I think you should talk to Mr. Giles."
Dawn nodded, her trepidation obvious on her face. She looked so worried that Tara couldn't help but try to lighten the mood.
"So which one of the twins do you have a crush on?"
"Ew!" Dawn exclaimed, sticking her tongue out, "they're like my brothers!"
Both girls laughed, their problems pushed into the backs of their minds, to be mulled over later.
~-~-~-
By the time it was late enough for her to go to sleep without arousing suspicion that she was still injured, and therefore inciting everyone in the common room to drag her back to the infirmary, Tara was dead on her feet. She sighed aloud as she slipped beneath the blankets on her large four-poster bed, laying back on the soft pillows and closing her eyes.
An hour later, she was still awake.
She kept telling herself that the whole Willow/Snape situation could wait, but her brain just wouldn't listen. She rolled over and tried to get more comfortable, closing her eyes and willing herself to fall asleep.
After a few more minutes, she sighed and sat up, turning the barely burning bedside lamp's flame up until it illuminated Willow's letter, which had managed to make it's way into plain view, next to the lamp.
Tara pulled her knees up to her chest, rocking back and forth and staring at the letter, as if it was about to jump up and start singing the solution to her problems.
*Not that farfetched, considering.* she thought, snickering to herself about the entire situation.
She stared at it for another few minutes, listening to the wind whipping against the castle walls and the incredibly loud sound of her own heartbeat. Finally, she gave in and picked up the letter, pulling the lamp closer so that she could read it again.
By the time she got to Willow's fifth explanation of why she was sorry and how she was planning on getting better and making it up to her, Tara was more conflicted than ever. All she wanted to do was take the letter to Snape and force him to break it down for her and explain why she was feeling all these foreign emotions. Unfortunately, the rational side of Tara told her that it wasn't Snape's problem to solve. Only she could figure out what her heart was telling her.
Tara put the letter down and forced all thoughts of running down to the potions classroom out of her head. It was late and, although he was probably awake, he shouldn't have to deal with this right now.
*Neither should I,* Tara thought, laying back down and resuming the long wait for sleep.
Thanks to my reviewers from ff.net and Twisting the Hellmouth. CinnamonGrrl- thanks for your comment. I plan on going back and rephrasing that paragraph after the holiday. I agree that it was kind of awkwardly written. Constructive criticism is always appreciated! It's good to know when you're taken out of the story by something, if only cuz it tells me that you were actually in the story at some point, which is, of course, my entire reason for writing this. Also, sorry about the delay. Family stuff has kept me from getting anything written lately. I hope to get the next chapter done over the holiday, but I don't know. It will definitely be up the weekend after next if it's not up next weekend. Whew! That was a long author's note. On with the story.
Chapter 20: Coming Clean
"Conflicted." Snape said in a hushed voice, repeating Tara's comment from a moment before.
"Yeah," Tara replied, her voice barely more than a whisper as she played with a loose thread on her shirt.
"Miss Maclay," said Snape, in a quietly commanding tone.
Tara continued to look toward the floor, her face slowly turning red as she realized what she had admitted to him.
"Tara," Snape said after a moment.
Tara was so surprised to hear her first name that she forgot her embarrassment, her head whipping up.
Professor Snape was looking intently into her face, his mouth in a slight frown. When he broke her gaze and motioned for her to follow him, she did so without hesitation. He led her into his adjoining office, motioning for her to take a seat in a chair facing his desk, while he took one next to it. Tara was almost amused to note that even in the middle of this emotional - whatever this was - he put enough thought into the situation to not sit behind his desk.
*As if I'm not nervous enough.*
She settled into the chair, avoiding his gaze even when it was obvious he was waiting for her to speak.
"Tara," he said again, with the same result as before.
"Professor," replied Tara, frowning when he flinched.
He didn't comment, but rather shifted around in his seat, then reached out and took both her hands in his.
"When I told you," Snape began, pausing to take a deep breath. "When I told you how I felt, I wasn't trying to force anything. I just needed you to know."
Tara couldn't help but smile, her eyes focused on her hands, which were still loosely gripped by his.
"It was completely selfish on my part, but I am new to this friendship concept," he added, with a hint of a smile.
Tara's smile widened. She gripped his hands tighter for a moment before letting them go.
She looked up at him, her smile faltering. "I feel guilty."
Snape nodded but said nothing, waiting for her to continue.
"I read Willow's letter and the first thought I had was 'I need to find Professor Snape.' My first thought should have been about her. It wasn't."
Snape sat back in his chair, his dark eyes on Tara's face. He appeared to be contemplating her words for what seemed to be hours, when in reality it was less than a minute.
"You shouldn't feel guilty," he finally said, his expression remarkably similar to what Willow called her 'resolve face'. "The fact that you feel guilty means that you do care about her feelings."
Tara nodded. "I know, I just feel guilty. It's stupid, really."
Shaking his head, Snape leaned forward, grabbing hold of Tara's hands again. "You're a sympathetic person, Tara. It's part of what makes you who you are."
Tara tried to fight it, but she couldn't hold her grin back before he noticed.
He raised an eyebrow at her in his typical fashion, causing her grin to widen even further.
"I'm sorry," she said, beaming, "it's the name thing."
Snape sighed and rolled his eyes, which only caused her to break out into a fit of giggles. He let go of her hands so that she could wipe her eyes as tears sprung up. By the time she had gotten control of herself, he was also grinning, albeit in an exasperated way.
"I th-think I'm having an emotional breakdown," Tara said, catching her breath and wiping the last of her tears away.
"Apparently," replied Snape.
"How do you not think that Dawn and I are completely insane?" asked Tara, finally regaining her composure.
"Who says I don't?"
"Oh, come on, you like Dawnie, admit it."
"Oh yes, I love loud American muggles who wreak havoc in my classroom on an almost daily basis."
Tara grinned mischievously, the tense moments of before forgotten.
"Your days would be so boring without her and the wondertwins scheming."
"Yes, well, boring sounds pleasant. Much better than life threatening."
"Yeah."
As they both realized just how life threatening things had become, the mood was broken and their banter faltered.
"Can I ask you a question?" Tara asked.
Snape smirked. "Was that not a question?"
This time it was Tara who rolled her eyes. "Has Professor Dumbledore said anything to you about Doc?"
Snape frowned. "I don't see why he would say something to me before telling you. I'm not the one being threatened."
"That wasn't an answer."
"No, he hasn't said anything."
"Oh."
They sat in a not entirely uncomfortable silence. It was shattered by the classroom door banging open.
"Professor Snape!" a familiar voice shouted.
Tara jumped up from her chair just as Giles opened the door and stepped into the office.
"Oh, um, hello Tara," he said, looking sheepish. "I didn't know you were here."
"Hi Mr. Giles," Tara replied, kicking herself for getting embarrassed again. She could feel her face getting warm, which meant it was most likely turning an irritating shade of red too.
Snape looked between the two of them before focusing on the flustered Watcher. "What can I do for you, Mr. Giles?"
"Um," Giles began, glancing over at Tara, "well."
He took of his glasses and began cleaning them in what was obviously an attempt to regain control of the situation.
"Do you need me to leave? I can go look for Dawn," Tara offered, not sure if her presence was the cause of Giles's sudden glasses-cleaning.
Giles looked at her gratefully and she began to go around him toward the door, but a hand gripped her arm, holding her back. She turned to see Snape still looking at Giles, but keeping hold of her.
"Is something wrong, Mr. Giles?" Snape asked, as Giles frowned at the hand on Tara's arm.
Giles looked up at Tara and, seeing that she didn't seem put off by the hand on her arm, turned back to Snape.
"We have located Doc."
Tara's eyes widened and the hand on her arm pulled her down until she was sitting in the chair she had just vacated. Before she even realized she was sitting again, Snape had let go of her, moving behind the desk to take his own chair, leaving the one next to Tara for Giles.
Giles sat, putting his glasses back on. "He is hiding in the nearby wizarding village, but we can't pinpoint his exact location."
Snape nodded, steepling his fingers and resting his elbows on his desk. "There is too much magic in Hogsmeade for your spells to find him."
"The Headmaster seemed to think you might have something to contribute. Perhaps an idea of how to proceed?"
Snape seemed surprised, his expression only betraying him for a moment, but long enough for Tara to see it. She wondered whether the surprise was that he was supposed to have answers or that Dumbledore had suggested him in the first place.
"I will give it some thought and let you know tomorrow morning, if that is acceptable."
Giles nodded. He stood up and looked over at Tara. "I was heading up to see Dawn, if you would like to join me?"
Tara glanced at Snape, who nodded. She also stood, smiling at Giles. "Sure, Mr. Giles. Lead the way."
They said their goodbyes, Tara's expression telling Snape that their conversation was far from over, and left the room.
~-~-~-
"It's not fair!" Dawn said, a bit too loudly, for the fifth time in two hours. "What other chance will I get to see a real wizard-filled town? They have cool stores and stuff."
Tara eyed Dawn. "Stores?"
"Yeah," Dawn said enthusiastically. "Where they sell all kinds of cool candy and stuff. Those chocolate frogs, crazy-flavored jelly beans, all kinds of stuff. And there's this pub-type place where they sell this drink called butterbeer-"
"Dawn." Tara interrupted the girl before she could turn the conversation into a full-on rant.
Dawn looked over at her, her excited expression changing to one Tara was all too familiar with.
*Crap,* Tara thought. She put on her intimidating face. "What did you do?"
"What do you mean?" asked Dawn in her best 'I'm totally innocent and wrongly accused' voice.
Tara's eyes narrowed. "Dawnie."
"So what were you studying with Snape today?"
Tara almost laughed out loud at Dawn's blatant attempt at a subject change. "Dawn, what did you do?"
"I didn't do anything?"
Tara studied her some more, until the younger girl began shifting her weight from foot to foot and biting her lip.
"What are you planning to do?"
"Nothing!" Dawn said a little too quickly.
*Aha!* "Just promise me that it's not dangerous-"
"It's not!"
"-and it doesn't involve Professor Snape-"
"Like I want to see Mr. Brood all pissed off again."
"-and it doesn't involve going into the wizard town."
Guilt flashed across Dawn's face as she neglected to dispute this last one.
"Dawnie," Tara said, her stomach twisting into knots as she realized that, of course, Dawn didn't know about Doc being so close. "You have to promise me you'll stay here."
"Tara-"
"Promise me!" Tara said, so harshly that Dawn flinched.
"I promise," Dawn replied, scared by the look on Tara's face. "What's going on?"
"It's not my place to say, Dawn. I think you should talk to Mr. Giles."
Dawn nodded, her trepidation obvious on her face. She looked so worried that Tara couldn't help but try to lighten the mood.
"So which one of the twins do you have a crush on?"
"Ew!" Dawn exclaimed, sticking her tongue out, "they're like my brothers!"
Both girls laughed, their problems pushed into the backs of their minds, to be mulled over later.
~-~-~-
By the time it was late enough for her to go to sleep without arousing suspicion that she was still injured, and therefore inciting everyone in the common room to drag her back to the infirmary, Tara was dead on her feet. She sighed aloud as she slipped beneath the blankets on her large four-poster bed, laying back on the soft pillows and closing her eyes.
An hour later, she was still awake.
She kept telling herself that the whole Willow/Snape situation could wait, but her brain just wouldn't listen. She rolled over and tried to get more comfortable, closing her eyes and willing herself to fall asleep.
After a few more minutes, she sighed and sat up, turning the barely burning bedside lamp's flame up until it illuminated Willow's letter, which had managed to make it's way into plain view, next to the lamp.
Tara pulled her knees up to her chest, rocking back and forth and staring at the letter, as if it was about to jump up and start singing the solution to her problems.
*Not that farfetched, considering.* she thought, snickering to herself about the entire situation.
She stared at it for another few minutes, listening to the wind whipping against the castle walls and the incredibly loud sound of her own heartbeat. Finally, she gave in and picked up the letter, pulling the lamp closer so that she could read it again.
By the time she got to Willow's fifth explanation of why she was sorry and how she was planning on getting better and making it up to her, Tara was more conflicted than ever. All she wanted to do was take the letter to Snape and force him to break it down for her and explain why she was feeling all these foreign emotions. Unfortunately, the rational side of Tara told her that it wasn't Snape's problem to solve. Only she could figure out what her heart was telling her.
Tara put the letter down and forced all thoughts of running down to the potions classroom out of her head. It was late and, although he was probably awake, he shouldn't have to deal with this right now.
*Neither should I,* Tara thought, laying back down and resuming the long wait for sleep.
