Disclaimer: See chapter 1 for full disclaimer and notes.
Thanks to all of my reviewers from ff.net and Twisting the Hellmouth. Thanks for sticking with it. The next chapter is the Epilogue.
Chapter 23: The End, Almost
She was avoiding him. She knew it, and by now he definitely knew it too. Every time she thought about talking to him about it, her stomach protested and she had to take deep breaths to keep herself from running as far away as possible.
It had been three days since Doc had been killed - at her hands, she reminded herself with a shudder. Three days of pretending to sleep and using Dawn as an intercept.
*I just need to sort out my feelings,* Tara said to herself, knowing that this was a lie.
What she needed to do was talk to Professor Snape. It was time. Actually, it was long past time.
Tara nodded to herself, knowing that this time her resolve was real. This was something that she couldn't just ignore, or someone would be seriously injured. Hauling herself out of her bed where she had been laying
*hiding*
Tara pulled a hand through her hair and straightened out her skirt and shirt as best she could. She took a deep breath and wandered over to the mirror that stood beside her desk.
*You can do this,* she thought as she stared at her reflection. She almost grimaced when she saw how tired she looked. Recovering from this was going to take more than a trip to the infirmary. She ran a hand through her hair again, finally turning and leaving the room.
~-~-~-
Tara hesitantly knocked on the Potions classroom door.
"Enter," a voice called from inside.
Slowly inching the door open, she peeked her head around to see if Professor Snape was the only person present. She almost sighed out loud when she saw that he, indeed, was alone.
"Hey," she said, nervously petting her skirt down, as if a perfect appearance would help her say what needed to be said.
"How are you?" Snape asked, standing stiffly on the other side of the classroom. "I haven't seen you since.the incident."
"Yeah."
They stood in awkward silence for a minute before Snape finally took a seat, motioning for her to do the same in the chair next to him.
"How are you?" Snape asked again, looking at her face, frowning when she wouldn't make eye contact with him.
"I need to tell you something," Tara began, falling silent when she couldn't figure out how to just say it.
Snape studied her face a moment longer. He finally sat back, closing his eyes briefly before speaking. "It's not going to work, is it?"
Tara looked up, trying to keep herself from throwing up and starting to cry at the same time. Her nausea passed, but the tears were dangerously close to the surface.
"No."
"He was a demon, Tara. You did what you had to do."
Tara shook her head, wadding her hand in her skirt to keep herself from reaching out and touching him, if only for a moment. "I know that. It's not that."
"Then what?" Snape asked, his concern becoming overshadowed by his desperation to change her mind.
"I didn't mean to."
"I know," Snape replied, still feeling as if he was missing some sort of vital inner dialogue that she refused to articulate.
"I mean, I shouldn't have even been able to."
As Tara finally looked him in the eye, it all clicked into place.
"Oh," Snape said.
He sat all the way back in his chair, staring at the wall behind her. "Oh."
"This place," Tara began, gesturing in the general direction of the ceiling, "It's different from Sunnydale. It's filled with magic. I feel as if I can do anything here. My power is so much stronger."
"As strong as Willow's," Snape replied, rubbing his face with his hand.
"Yeah," whispered Tara in reply.
They fell into silence again, neither looking at the other.
Tara shifted around in her chair, releasing her skirt and straightening it out again, in what was becoming a reflexive move.
"It's not right. The timing is awful. There are so many reasons."
Snape nodded, unable to think of anything to say that would make a difference.
"I felt what it was like. I've never done that before. I've always been so scared of Willow having too much power and not knowing how to keep it from overtaking her, and then there I was, killing a man-"
"Demon."
"-because he made me angry."
Tara looked at him, her tone changing to one of pleading. "I didn't mean to do that, but I was so angry and so scared. I couldn't let Dawn go through that again and not know if he would be coming back for her later on down the road. And, in that moment, I killed him."
"Maybe nothing has changed," Snape replied. "Maybe you still need to stay away from her."
Tara shook her head. "I know what the answer is now. It's not like with Oz. She was what set him off. He had others who could help him. Willow needs me. She doesn't have anyone else. She has to stay in Sunnydale, and to do that, she has to have support."
"Maybe I need you," Snape replied, his voice almost too quiet to hear.
"You don't. You have Professor Dumbledore. You needed him. What would life be like if he hadn't been there?"
"She has no one," Snape said, as if trying to comprehend how this had all happened.
"It was bad timing," Tara said, apropos of nothing.
"Was there ever good timing?"
"Not yet."
Snape looked up at her sharply.
"I'm not promising anything, but I can't predict the future. There is something between us. I'm just not ready for it."
"I know this is new to you-"
"That's not it," Tara cut him off. "But that is part of it. I feel that this is real, but I need to make sure that I'm not just taking the easy way out."
Snape laughed out loud.
"What?" Tara asked, smiling a bit at his outburst.
"I apologize," replied Snape, still laughing a bit, "it's just that somehow I don't see anyone believing that I am the easy choice in any situation."
Tara grinned back at him. "You are, though."
Her grin faltered when the Potions Professor turned his gaze her way. He was looking at her so intently that she almost had to turn away, opting instead to drop her eyes to her lap, where she was fiddling with the hem of her shirt.
"How am I the easy choice?"
"You're the only choice I've ever had as far as normalcy goes."
Snape raised an eyebrow at her in disbelief.
"Just imagine it," Tara said, smiling again, "if I were to stay, I would be among tons of witches and dating a man."
Snape's face now held a ghost of a smile. "Is it so bad back home?"
"Not anymore."
He nodded. "But it was for awhile?"
"I had to hide who I was. No one accepted witchcraft as a real thing, or if they did, it meant I was a demon. Being gay just made me more different."
"Different isn't bad."
"I know that. It is hard, though. Then it all changed."
"When she came along?"
Tara sighed. "I know you don't think she made me who I am, and maybe that was overstating it a little, but without her, I definitely wouldn't have been confident enough to even speak to you. Or be in this place at all. I'd be hiding in my room, practicing spells and avoiding phone calls from my father. Or I'd just be a prisoner in my father's house. Either way, I would never have gotten to know you."
"Well then," replied Snape, leaning forward, "I am glad that she came into your life."
"I didn't know it was possible to meet two people in one lifetime who so perfectly fit what I need in another person."
"I still don't," Snape replied, giving her a look that made her start to question herself again.
"It is," she said quietly. "Or maybe it's possible to meet the same person twice."
"You shouldn't said things like that," replied Snape, taking her hand in his. "I'll expect you to carry through with it."
"I can't promise anything," Tara replied, holding onto his hand for a moment before pulling away and standing up. "I just needed to explain. I needed you to know that it was real. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you expect."
"I knew that the moment I laid eyes on you," Snape replied.
"We're leaving in two days," said Tara, "I'll see you before then, but I want you to be there when we go."
"I wouldn't miss it."
Tara nodded once, her eyes lingering on his for a moment before she left the room.
She managed to make it all the way back to her room before the tears that had been threatening to overflow finally came. She laid down on her bed, sobbing.
~-~-~-
The last two days of her time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry passed in a blur. Every time she saw Professor Snape, he didn't quite manage to maintain his icy demeanor. She was glad that he was feeling it too, and then feeling guilty because she was the one causing it. Somehow, she had managed to find two of the most amazing people and still she ended up in pain.
*Life is funny,* she thought to herself, grimacing. *Or just really cruel.*
~-~-~-
Tara took one last look around the room she had spent the last few months in, making sure she hadn't left anything behind. Even though everything was safely packed away, she felt as if she was leaving a part of herself behind. Sighing, she shut the door and began her final trip to the front doors of the castle.
"Ah, there you are," Giles said when she reached the front hall.
All of the students were gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast, but a few had slipped out to see them off.
Tara hugged Ron and Harry, warning them to stay out of trouble and laughing when they gave her exasperated looks.
The Weasley twins were next, hugging her and thanking her for the umpteenth time for helping to save them and Dawn. She nodded and hugged them both again.
"Don't get fresh," Dawn interrupted, dragging the twins back to the corner, where they were exchanging what appeared to be candy, but could have been anything. Knowing them, it was something that would keep everyone in Sunnydale on their toes for weeks.
"Well, Miss Maclay," Professor Dumbledore said, walking over to her, "I do hope you will come back to visit soon."
"I hope so too," Tara replied, smiling.
"It was wonderful having you and young Miss Summers stay with us. Next time let us have it be under less dire circumstances."
"Okay," Tara replied, grinning.
She hugged the Headmaster, her eyes beginning to fill up with tears. She was beginning to feel as if she would never stop crying.
Giles began gathering up the nags that hadn't already been shipped back to Sunnydale, while Anya said her goodbyes to the Headmaster. Tara stood back and watched as Dawn spoke animatedly to the twins, Harry, and Ron, smiling at the excitement in the younger girl's face.
"Miss Maclay," a voice said from behind her.
"Severus," Tara replied, turning around and pulling him into a tight embrace before he could object.
He reacted almost instantly, returning the hug and rubbing her back.
They stood that way for as long as possible, neither speaking, not caring who might be looking their way.
They finally pulled apart when Dawn told Tara that it was time to go. When she glanced over, she expected to see disapproval on the teen's face, but was surprised to see a small smile instead. Tara returned the smile, nodding.
She looked up at Snape, who put a stray hair behind her ear, his hand lingering by her cheek. "I have to go."
Snape nodded. "I know."
"Don't be too hard on your students," Tara said, pulling his hand into hers.
Snape snorted. "I am quite certain my students can take care of themselves."
"True," laughed Tara.
She looked at their clasped hands for a moment. "Tell Professor Lupin I said goodbye."
"Of course."
Tara looked at him again. She pulled him into another hug.
"If you're not careful, Snape said in her ear, "the students may start to think I've gone soft."
Tara smiled, stepping back from him.
"Don't forget what I said," she replied, noticing that everyone had gone outside, leaving them alone in the hall.
"What's that?"
"In life, anything can happen."
Before he could reply, she reached up to kiss him on his cheek, waving to him as she walked out the door.
Thanks to all of my reviewers from ff.net and Twisting the Hellmouth. Thanks for sticking with it. The next chapter is the Epilogue.
Chapter 23: The End, Almost
She was avoiding him. She knew it, and by now he definitely knew it too. Every time she thought about talking to him about it, her stomach protested and she had to take deep breaths to keep herself from running as far away as possible.
It had been three days since Doc had been killed - at her hands, she reminded herself with a shudder. Three days of pretending to sleep and using Dawn as an intercept.
*I just need to sort out my feelings,* Tara said to herself, knowing that this was a lie.
What she needed to do was talk to Professor Snape. It was time. Actually, it was long past time.
Tara nodded to herself, knowing that this time her resolve was real. This was something that she couldn't just ignore, or someone would be seriously injured. Hauling herself out of her bed where she had been laying
*hiding*
Tara pulled a hand through her hair and straightened out her skirt and shirt as best she could. She took a deep breath and wandered over to the mirror that stood beside her desk.
*You can do this,* she thought as she stared at her reflection. She almost grimaced when she saw how tired she looked. Recovering from this was going to take more than a trip to the infirmary. She ran a hand through her hair again, finally turning and leaving the room.
~-~-~-
Tara hesitantly knocked on the Potions classroom door.
"Enter," a voice called from inside.
Slowly inching the door open, she peeked her head around to see if Professor Snape was the only person present. She almost sighed out loud when she saw that he, indeed, was alone.
"Hey," she said, nervously petting her skirt down, as if a perfect appearance would help her say what needed to be said.
"How are you?" Snape asked, standing stiffly on the other side of the classroom. "I haven't seen you since.the incident."
"Yeah."
They stood in awkward silence for a minute before Snape finally took a seat, motioning for her to do the same in the chair next to him.
"How are you?" Snape asked again, looking at her face, frowning when she wouldn't make eye contact with him.
"I need to tell you something," Tara began, falling silent when she couldn't figure out how to just say it.
Snape studied her face a moment longer. He finally sat back, closing his eyes briefly before speaking. "It's not going to work, is it?"
Tara looked up, trying to keep herself from throwing up and starting to cry at the same time. Her nausea passed, but the tears were dangerously close to the surface.
"No."
"He was a demon, Tara. You did what you had to do."
Tara shook her head, wadding her hand in her skirt to keep herself from reaching out and touching him, if only for a moment. "I know that. It's not that."
"Then what?" Snape asked, his concern becoming overshadowed by his desperation to change her mind.
"I didn't mean to."
"I know," Snape replied, still feeling as if he was missing some sort of vital inner dialogue that she refused to articulate.
"I mean, I shouldn't have even been able to."
As Tara finally looked him in the eye, it all clicked into place.
"Oh," Snape said.
He sat all the way back in his chair, staring at the wall behind her. "Oh."
"This place," Tara began, gesturing in the general direction of the ceiling, "It's different from Sunnydale. It's filled with magic. I feel as if I can do anything here. My power is so much stronger."
"As strong as Willow's," Snape replied, rubbing his face with his hand.
"Yeah," whispered Tara in reply.
They fell into silence again, neither looking at the other.
Tara shifted around in her chair, releasing her skirt and straightening it out again, in what was becoming a reflexive move.
"It's not right. The timing is awful. There are so many reasons."
Snape nodded, unable to think of anything to say that would make a difference.
"I felt what it was like. I've never done that before. I've always been so scared of Willow having too much power and not knowing how to keep it from overtaking her, and then there I was, killing a man-"
"Demon."
"-because he made me angry."
Tara looked at him, her tone changing to one of pleading. "I didn't mean to do that, but I was so angry and so scared. I couldn't let Dawn go through that again and not know if he would be coming back for her later on down the road. And, in that moment, I killed him."
"Maybe nothing has changed," Snape replied. "Maybe you still need to stay away from her."
Tara shook her head. "I know what the answer is now. It's not like with Oz. She was what set him off. He had others who could help him. Willow needs me. She doesn't have anyone else. She has to stay in Sunnydale, and to do that, she has to have support."
"Maybe I need you," Snape replied, his voice almost too quiet to hear.
"You don't. You have Professor Dumbledore. You needed him. What would life be like if he hadn't been there?"
"She has no one," Snape said, as if trying to comprehend how this had all happened.
"It was bad timing," Tara said, apropos of nothing.
"Was there ever good timing?"
"Not yet."
Snape looked up at her sharply.
"I'm not promising anything, but I can't predict the future. There is something between us. I'm just not ready for it."
"I know this is new to you-"
"That's not it," Tara cut him off. "But that is part of it. I feel that this is real, but I need to make sure that I'm not just taking the easy way out."
Snape laughed out loud.
"What?" Tara asked, smiling a bit at his outburst.
"I apologize," replied Snape, still laughing a bit, "it's just that somehow I don't see anyone believing that I am the easy choice in any situation."
Tara grinned back at him. "You are, though."
Her grin faltered when the Potions Professor turned his gaze her way. He was looking at her so intently that she almost had to turn away, opting instead to drop her eyes to her lap, where she was fiddling with the hem of her shirt.
"How am I the easy choice?"
"You're the only choice I've ever had as far as normalcy goes."
Snape raised an eyebrow at her in disbelief.
"Just imagine it," Tara said, smiling again, "if I were to stay, I would be among tons of witches and dating a man."
Snape's face now held a ghost of a smile. "Is it so bad back home?"
"Not anymore."
He nodded. "But it was for awhile?"
"I had to hide who I was. No one accepted witchcraft as a real thing, or if they did, it meant I was a demon. Being gay just made me more different."
"Different isn't bad."
"I know that. It is hard, though. Then it all changed."
"When she came along?"
Tara sighed. "I know you don't think she made me who I am, and maybe that was overstating it a little, but without her, I definitely wouldn't have been confident enough to even speak to you. Or be in this place at all. I'd be hiding in my room, practicing spells and avoiding phone calls from my father. Or I'd just be a prisoner in my father's house. Either way, I would never have gotten to know you."
"Well then," replied Snape, leaning forward, "I am glad that she came into your life."
"I didn't know it was possible to meet two people in one lifetime who so perfectly fit what I need in another person."
"I still don't," Snape replied, giving her a look that made her start to question herself again.
"It is," she said quietly. "Or maybe it's possible to meet the same person twice."
"You shouldn't said things like that," replied Snape, taking her hand in his. "I'll expect you to carry through with it."
"I can't promise anything," Tara replied, holding onto his hand for a moment before pulling away and standing up. "I just needed to explain. I needed you to know that it was real. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you expect."
"I knew that the moment I laid eyes on you," Snape replied.
"We're leaving in two days," said Tara, "I'll see you before then, but I want you to be there when we go."
"I wouldn't miss it."
Tara nodded once, her eyes lingering on his for a moment before she left the room.
She managed to make it all the way back to her room before the tears that had been threatening to overflow finally came. She laid down on her bed, sobbing.
~-~-~-
The last two days of her time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry passed in a blur. Every time she saw Professor Snape, he didn't quite manage to maintain his icy demeanor. She was glad that he was feeling it too, and then feeling guilty because she was the one causing it. Somehow, she had managed to find two of the most amazing people and still she ended up in pain.
*Life is funny,* she thought to herself, grimacing. *Or just really cruel.*
~-~-~-
Tara took one last look around the room she had spent the last few months in, making sure she hadn't left anything behind. Even though everything was safely packed away, she felt as if she was leaving a part of herself behind. Sighing, she shut the door and began her final trip to the front doors of the castle.
"Ah, there you are," Giles said when she reached the front hall.
All of the students were gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast, but a few had slipped out to see them off.
Tara hugged Ron and Harry, warning them to stay out of trouble and laughing when they gave her exasperated looks.
The Weasley twins were next, hugging her and thanking her for the umpteenth time for helping to save them and Dawn. She nodded and hugged them both again.
"Don't get fresh," Dawn interrupted, dragging the twins back to the corner, where they were exchanging what appeared to be candy, but could have been anything. Knowing them, it was something that would keep everyone in Sunnydale on their toes for weeks.
"Well, Miss Maclay," Professor Dumbledore said, walking over to her, "I do hope you will come back to visit soon."
"I hope so too," Tara replied, smiling.
"It was wonderful having you and young Miss Summers stay with us. Next time let us have it be under less dire circumstances."
"Okay," Tara replied, grinning.
She hugged the Headmaster, her eyes beginning to fill up with tears. She was beginning to feel as if she would never stop crying.
Giles began gathering up the nags that hadn't already been shipped back to Sunnydale, while Anya said her goodbyes to the Headmaster. Tara stood back and watched as Dawn spoke animatedly to the twins, Harry, and Ron, smiling at the excitement in the younger girl's face.
"Miss Maclay," a voice said from behind her.
"Severus," Tara replied, turning around and pulling him into a tight embrace before he could object.
He reacted almost instantly, returning the hug and rubbing her back.
They stood that way for as long as possible, neither speaking, not caring who might be looking their way.
They finally pulled apart when Dawn told Tara that it was time to go. When she glanced over, she expected to see disapproval on the teen's face, but was surprised to see a small smile instead. Tara returned the smile, nodding.
She looked up at Snape, who put a stray hair behind her ear, his hand lingering by her cheek. "I have to go."
Snape nodded. "I know."
"Don't be too hard on your students," Tara said, pulling his hand into hers.
Snape snorted. "I am quite certain my students can take care of themselves."
"True," laughed Tara.
She looked at their clasped hands for a moment. "Tell Professor Lupin I said goodbye."
"Of course."
Tara looked at him again. She pulled him into another hug.
"If you're not careful, Snape said in her ear, "the students may start to think I've gone soft."
Tara smiled, stepping back from him.
"Don't forget what I said," she replied, noticing that everyone had gone outside, leaving them alone in the hall.
"What's that?"
"In life, anything can happen."
Before he could reply, she reached up to kiss him on his cheek, waving to him as she walked out the door.
