Chapter Eleven: Inconsistency

"Fine, go for it. Tell me what you discovered on your almighty quest for the bite bugs, what earth shattering news you have quit your precious work to come back and tell me."

Rinoa turned away dreading to hear the words aloud.

"I love you," he replied calmly.

Rinoa could not speak, momentarily she could not move. After a few seconds, registration of the words hit her. She stood from the metal step, walking into the cargo hold of the vehicle. Tilting her head slightly to the side, she sat her body on the brown vinyl bench. Finally, her mind was able to form a word…a simple word.

"What?" she snapped, looking deeply into his eyes searching for answers.

She found them. Rinoa could not comprehend how she had gone from getting ready to tell him off to wanting to hold him, never letting go. He never answered her question, if it was really a question, with words. Squall leaned down close to her face, she was sure he was going to kiss her. Instead, he brushed his lips against her cheeks and starting slowly tracing kisses down her neck. It had been long since Rinoa experienced anything like this. It was something Squall Leonhart did not do. Squall Leonhart did not do a lot.

Rinoa rested her head against the cushion, seats where many a SeeD sat for transit to and from battles. She found herself closing her eyes and slightly arching her back at his feathery kisses. As suddenly as he started, he stopped. Rinoa flew open her eyes expecting him to be running away. Instead, he looked deep through her. They did not exchange one word; words would only ruin such a perfect moment. He took his right hand and pushed some lose strands of hair behind her ears, and then with the same fluid motion, he continued running the hand down her cheek. Slowly he made his way to her black tank top and started caressing her shoulder. The summer heat left them both sweaty, but nothing compared to the inner emotions, the feelings within their own bodies.

When he had been fighting, heat forced him to remove his shirt, tying it around his waist. She smiled back and looked at his bare chest, slowly running her fingers along his muscles. The sensation was one that was foreign to him, allowing someone truly this intimate. He knew one thing. He needed her. Cid once warned him that when a knight and a sorceress were to make love, it was a bond, a union so strong…it could never be broken. This fact always weighed heavily on him. For that would mean much more than a physical commitment, but also one of a complete spiritual nature. For over a year, he had held his sexual urges at bay, afraid of the end results. However, with the thought of losing her, of truly losing her, Squall thought of nothing more than desiring to strengthen their connection. Yes, he did do thinking on his trip, just not the way she envisioned. Most of it involved her not having clothes on; he was prepared for this. He wanted this.

He gingerly moved his hand off Rinoa's shoulder and sat down on the cushioned seat beside her. Taking both hands, he slid them gradually down her waist, never once breaking eye contact. Squall slowly grabbed the sweat-damped tank top and carefully lifted the garment above her head. She continued smiling at him, never abandoning his eyes. She lowered her mouth to his chest, trailing kisses along his right shoulder. He gently reached both hands around to her back, outlining her spine with the tips of his thumbs…from her neck down to where her bra tightly fastened. The feeling of the contact made her tremble; the emotions were dreamlike to her. He tentatively worked at the clasp, trying not to break their closeness.

After a second, she giggled looking up at him. Giving him a quick kiss on the lips, she pulled away and effortlessly undid the restraining bra. He sat fascinated with her every move, every one registering different effects on his body.

"You'll get used to it," she teased still not releasing the bra from her shoulders.

"I know," he quickly replied pulling her closer to him.

This time it was her turn to surprise him as she quickly sat on his lap, putting one leg on either side of his waist. He watched as she let the bra fall, exposing her breast. For a moment he sat mesmerized, never have experiencing anything like this before. She leaned forward to close the distance to his mouth; the bare feel of skin, almost too much for him. Never in his life had he thought about this actually happening, dreaming and fantasizing, yes. Honestly, not one of his fantasies ever included a dirty Garden vehicle. Ironically, the same one he'd taken on his SeeD exam. Right now, everything was perfect and truth be told, he would not have changed a thing.

Before Squall knew, her mouth was upon his. Not the exploratory little kisses she would return when he attempted any sort of awkward contact. This was full-passionate kissing and she wouldn't have altered a thing either. Squall held her tight, arms wrapped around the small of her back, and then he started trailing kisses down her neck once again. This time not stopping, continuing on to her breasts. She arched her back to allow him easier access to her chest, all the time trying to keep from moaning…the new sensations were miraculous. After a few minutes of teasing, she leaned back towards him, again finding his mouth. He slowly guided her back down onto the vinyl cushions.

He was slightly surprised that she again took initiative in the situation. Squall could feel her hands fumbling around his belts. She was struggling. He could identify the frustration. Part of him wanted to make her wait, but the other part knew he could not wait much longer. Finally, he reached down and undid them with ease.

In between kisses he stated, "You'll get used to it."

Rinoa drew him nearer, seductively whispering in his ear, "I know."

The phenomenon sent shivers through his spine. Never in his life had Squall Leonhart wanted anything more than he wanted Rinoa Heartilly.

For in that moment in time, in that instance of life, they became one - bonded further than mere mortals, a relationship understood by few. They entered into a commitment each would never genuinely understand until years later, until circumstances would test loyalty and love. Nevertheless, in that moment, they were one. Squall looked deep into her eyes, attempting to place clumps of matted hair behind her ears, gently kissing her cheek with every attempt. They stayed silent for what seemed all too short, neither wanting the peace to end, neither wanting the moment to end.

Time was not on their side. He was expected back…with wizard stones in hand. Right now, he had collected not one. Squall winced at the concept of moving, but made a mental note never to forget this moment. The feel, the sight, and the smell of strawberry shampoo in her dark hair, every detail was perfect.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I love you. I knew what you wanted earlier, and I didn't care how you felt. Rinoa, I don't need children, I just need you. If you want a child, there are always other options. You needed support and I couldn't provide it. Somehow, the talk of commitment…of family, it scares me. I don't know what the future holds, but the only thing I do know is that you will always be a part of it."

"You love me," she almost giggled at the foreign sound of the words.

"Yes…really you don't have to sound so surprised," he countered with a rare smile.

She pulled him gently into a deep passionate kiss, and then breaking it off as she ran her hand through his sweat-covered hair.

"I love you too," she replied looking deep into his soul.

He gave her a quick kiss on the forehead before sitting up, putting his legs back on to the floor.

"Come on, I don't want to leave you behind. Will you help me gather some wizard stones?"

She nodded in agreement, as they gathered up loose articles of clothing, strewn all around the vehicle, even outside the vehicle. They continued to dress in silence, when fully clothed Rinoa walked over to him, taking her hand in his.

"Squall."

"Yes," he replied.

"I'm…sorry for what I said about your father. I didn't mean it."

"Look, what he did was wrong. I would never abandon my family…"


The flames roared in the small cabin on the Trabian content. The crackles of t logs falling off the fire made her jump out of the trance. The memories of that day would always play over and over, it was so right. They were so right. Standing up, Rinoa set the stray logs back into the fire with the poker. Remembering precisely the words that Squall promised to her on that day, "I would never abandon my family." The thought almost made her nauseous…he lied. The irony of the situation was almost humorous. Not only did the son become the father, but also son surpassed father. Laguna would have never turned on Raine. Rinoa was sure of that fact. Squall could have learned something from the loyalty his father possessed, but hoping was all in vain.

She checked the fire one last time before grabbing the small pillow and blanket from the dusty bed. The flames offered her warmth and comfort. Rinoa would sleep next to it for two more nights. She had to buy time until the next transport vehicle, and hiding in the woodlands was perfect cover. SeeD would be in Trabia, a risk she was not willing to take. Somehow, she had to make it to Dollet, to find Alexandra. She had to protect Ally at any cost…even her own life.


When given the simple choice of yes or no, I made the wrong decision. Somehow, I truthfully thought that a 'yes' could transform my life into the fairytale I had dreamed. Squall learned to love…now he could learn to love me. For too many years I watched him grow, watched him mature. I fell in love with the boy, never the man. I saw him as the child who still desired protecting, who still yearned for nurturing. I was wrong. I saw him today for the first time. I saw him through the eyes of an adult, not that of an infatuated adolescent.

I failed, simply put. Rejection is the hardest part of life; it is human nature to avoid failure. We are taught as children to do our best and that will always be good enough. That is a lie, an illusion created by those around us to hide our shortcomings. Nobody aspires to fail, nobody attempts to fail, yet signs of failure are all around us. Every rejection, every denial drives us deeper into personal solitude. The secret is getting out before it buries you.

Learn from it…move on. But to what do we move on to? That is the unsolvable question. When one has spent their entire life on what turns to be a fantasy, for Hyne's sake, search for the inner strength…and just move on. As much as it hurts, as much as it stings, and as much as you want nothing more than to breakdown, just move on.

The former instructor sat on the little bed, not fit for even a single occupant. The maritime way of life was foreign to her, as was any other form of existence outside Garden. These crafts were nothing but transport vehicles for military personal. Usually employed by the Galbadian government, the amenities, at best, were meager. It did not carry the luxury as many vessels did, small cabins barely capable to hold the quad bunks. There were still enough rooms on board to give each of the four travelers a separate room. Yes, she was sure that would be questioned later on, as rumors were presently a way of life.

The obscurity outside the window only mirrored the feelings in her heart, like a doppelganger staring back directly to her soul. The Griever pendant was heavy around her neck, but the weight was a welcome sensation. Occasionally she moved her fingers to where her golden band should be…a sign of past memories. Quistis pulled her long hair back into a rubber band, permitting an unobtrusive view of the files scattered around the single bed.

Something didn't feel right. Whether it was the events previous days, the overwhelming barrenness, the Bennett assignment, or a grotesque combination of the three she didn't know. What she did know, nonetheless, was that things would be different; her life would be different. Picking up the pieces would be hard, but she was strong. She still held the designation of SeeD, right now that her only comfort. Quistis lifted her head as she heard the sounds of footsteps on the grated metal passageway outside.

Not waiting for the formalities of knocking, Quistis yelled for the unknown shipmate to come in. Lauren opened the door apprehensively at first, before making eye contact with the cabin's occupant.

"Well," Quistis mused to herself, "she is the lesser of three evils."

"Instructor Leonhart," the girl began, before being hastily interrupted.

"Quistis," she corrected, she was no longer a teacher, nor would have the title of Mrs. Leonhart a great deal longer.

"Oh…okay Quistis," Lauren stated slightly bewildered. "I just received a wire from Garden. We've been informed that Renee Bennett passed away this afternoon."

"Oh Hyne, poor woman. She never got to see her daughter again, before…before she passed away."

"Yes, I was thinking how hard that must have been, not to mention how her husband must be suffering. First, their daughter was abducted, and now his wife is no longer by his side. He must be miserable."

"Lauren, you're precisely right. I couldn't envision going through two such traumatic events. The files state his wife had been ill for sometime. I guess the anxiety was too much on her."

"The World Council wanted to notify us that they are stepping up the investigation. I wanted to give Commander Leonhart the communication."

Quistis turned back to the shadowy window, "If you're asking me where the commander is, I don't know. My guess would be out in the freezing cold, that's just a logical assumption knowing him." The brown-haired SeeD started to close the door. "Hey Lauren," Quistis asked as an afterthought. "Why are they stepping up the investigation now, after his wife passed away? Shouldn't they have had a full-scale investigation before?"

"I don't know Inst…Quistis. I just received the wire from Selphie. Maybe the council wants to make sure Richard Bennett has something to hope for."

"Yeah, I would presume you're right. Just seems that calling both Trabia and Balamb Gardens for an abduction case seems…well very nonstandard protocol. I guess it helps to be a sitting delegate on the World Council, those bastards have nothing better to do than intervene in others lives."

Lauren knew better than to ask details, respect taught her as much. However, she did question Quistis' meaning in the last statement. After the younger girl left the compartment, she returned to examining the files that lay on her bed. Now she had a renewed interest not only to find Rinoa, but also to solve the kidnapping case. Quistis could think of no greater loss than that of a child, even her situation seemed inconsequential in comparison. Again, she heard footsteps echoing on the metal walkway. Figuring that Lauren forgot something, she was assuming the door to open once again…it did. What she did not expect, was the man standing in the narrow hallway.

"Seifer…" she said animosity in her tongue. "Didn't anybody teach you to knock?"

"Yes, but now what fun would that be?"

"You're a jackass," she rejoined pulling papers back into the main file.

"It's always a pleasure to see you too, Mrs. Commander."

"Seifer…don't," she begged wordlessly with her eyes.

He walked over to the bed. It was too small for one individual to sleep comfortably upon, yet appropriately sized for two to be seated on, if one didn't want to sit up straight. He reached his right hand to her shoulder, looking genuinely into her eyes.

"I'm sorry Quistis that was uncalled for."

She smiled at him, though only for a slight instant. "Can I help you with something or did you just come by to make my life miserable?"

"Actually," he said smirking at her, "you didn't come up for dinner. Although, dinner would be an overstatement for this floating tin-can. More like rations given to military prisoners, bread and water would've been more appealing. But I…I didn't want you to go hungry so I brought you this."

He handed her a small red apple, avoiding eye contact.

Quistis giggled slightly, "Seifer, I didn't know you cared. Little old to be bringing an apple to the ex-teacher."

"Whatever."

"Oh not you too…I think one verbally challenged person in my life is all I can take."

"What about Fujin?" Seifer joked.

Quistis laughed. For the first time in god knows how long, she actually laughed.

"I stand corrected Mr. Almasy…two verbally challenged people in my life are enough. Honestly, what brings you by, kinda out of the way to come down here? Figured you and Squall would catching up on all those lost years."

"Yeah right, I'm sure he has so much he wants to share with me. Actually, I just left him to mope on the deck. I'm sure that will take up most of his evening unless he makes time for sulking, brooding or pouting."

"Why Seifer, why after five years did you come back?" she asked with complete seriousness on her face.

"I don't know. Sure wasn't for 'Mr. Personality' up there. Guess I wanted to help, I have a lot to make up for."

"So after Rinoa vanishes, two years later you show up out of the blue, just when the council is stepping up its investigation? Seems inconsistent to me, is there something else we should know about, another motivation bringing you here?"

"Nothing that you would understand….or in reality, believe," he trailed off diffidently.

"Try me Seifer. Think I would believe anything right now."

"Um…well," Seifer was uncomfortable. Even Quistis could tell his apprehension on the topic. Her first thought was one she fleetingly found herself getting distressed over - upset or jealous, truthfully didn't matter.

"You're still in love with Rinoa," Quistis said flatly. "Join the club."

"I'm not in love with Rinoa," he corrected with abrasiveness. "I might still care for her, but I can undoubtedly tell you, I'm not in love with her. Somehow, when you spend five years alone, or practically alone, you think back on the events in your life. Mistakes from years past, mistakes that hound your every waking moment and your every dream, it can be devastating."

"I understand," she spoke sympathetically. "I understand all too well."

"It's the dream part that always seems to get me in trouble." Seifer tried to make light of the situation, "If it wasn't for those damn dreams all the time. First, it was to be a sorceress' knight, at any cost. Now, the dreams are more vivid, more real, not really about any specific title or role, more concerning salvation and redemption. I can't give details. I just know that Squall, Rinoa, you, and I are part of these visions. I think we are working together, fighting some species of dragon. Don't ask me about the beast, I couldn't accurately describe it. It is nothing like we have ever encountered before, or anything known in the bestiary world. All I know is…it is unadulterated evil. The monster is bronze in color, yet the eyes are piercing black. A black so evil, that the orbs steal the very life force around them."

"Is it something from another dimension, another time, like Ultimecia?"

"No." The concern notable on his face, something that would upset such a man must truly be revolting. "I don't know what it is or what it represents. For some reason I feel that it more a chameleon amongst us; it thrives solely on the agony of others. I can't explain the sensation, even if I wanted to."

"Seifer, are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine. I just wish that the damn dreams would end, I find myself unable to sleep at night dreading the nightmares to begin. I just want the torture to end. Something has brought me here, of that I'm convinced."

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to live with such nightmares, although mine are more manifested by the guilt eating away inside. I understand this now. I lay awake at night replaying all the events; figuring out what I could have done better. How I could've saved Ellone, how I could've saved Rinoa, and how I could've saved myself."

Seifer stood from the bed tracing his thumb across Quistis velvety skin, as if wiping away tears that did not come. He smiled vaguely. "Two days ago on the beach in Balamb you said that I didn't know what it felt like to be in love with somebody who could never love me back. Maybe I do."

"Rinoa?" she questioned aloud, although internal hoping for another answer. She didn't know why, rationalization was not part of emotion. Something inside her felt comfortable with this man, a sensation unlike any she felt before. Maybe circumstances brought them together, two lost souls trying to find deliverance. Two lost souls looking for the home they never had, in a world completely unique to each.

"You really are stuck on that subject, aren't you? Let me tell you now that not everybody is in love with her. There are other people out there. I guess it just takes everyone time."

For some unknown reason, even to her, Quistis rose slowly from the small cot. Seifer's hand still on her tender cheek, silently she raised her hand to his face. How long had it been since someone allowed her to touch them, to get close to them? How long had it been that she wanted to touch someone else in the same way? Before reason caught hold of her senses, she closed the gap between them, tenderly touching her lips against his. Finally, he could not wait any longer, passionately deepening the kiss. She remembered an ecstasy long lost and forgotten, a feeling so overwhelming that all practical judgment vanished. He too feverishly returned the emotion, pulling her body closer to his.


Lauren found Squall sitting on a bench, close to where Quistis had believed. He was lost in the stars, memorizing every bright fleck in the sky. Looking for signs of possibility, a long escaped sign of destiny, fate had lent him the gesture many years ago. The fog lifted several kilometers back, revealing a blanket of speckles on the dark cover of night. The air was chilling; the closer to Trabia they would get, the more dramatic the change of atmosphere.

"Commander Leonhart," Lauren spoke with conviction. "I have received a wire from Selphie."

"Go ahead."

"Renee Bennett passed away this afternoon. The council wants to step up the investigation. Many members will be attending the funeral on Friday. Currently, they want to double the number of all active SeeD on the case, they have asked for Balamb to send in further aid."

"Did she suffer?"

"Sir, suffer?" Lauren questioned before the context of the commander's statement was grasped. "Oh, Mrs. Bennett…I'm sure she was in pain from the illness, but they would've given her medication to alleviate the pain."

Squall nodded. "But not nearly as much as she suffered from the loss of the one she loved, no drug could counteract that." Squall stood from the bench, momentarily having to regain the sturdiness in his legs. An ephemeral thought crossed his mind, "Why would they double the efforts upon her death? Why not before, insuring coverage?" Just as quickly as the thought came, he placed it back into the recess of his mind. "Dismissed, Lauren, now go get some sleep."

The tiny stairway in the boat was both awkward and uncomfortable. Squall found himself having to turn sideways and duck to avoid hitting the overhang above. These ships absolutely were not designed for any other purpose than transportation for large number of troops…short troops at that. He found the cabin Quistis had been assigned, opening the door. For an instant, he was immobilized in shock. Words escaped him for the briefest of seconds as he stared at the two intertwined figures. Not being one of tact, or good at problematic situations Squall announced, "Seifer when you are done with my wife, I need to talk to her." He closed the door still trying to burn the image from his memory.

The two had broken the kiss somewhere during the interruption; neither noticed when the commander walked in, or how long he was actually present. Seifer looked at Quistis struggling to read the expression behind her eyes. The moment was one awkward and nerve retching. The blonde woman finally broke eye contact with the metal door, looking back at Seifer.

She laughed.

Seifer, unsure how to react, stood silent until Quistis reached forward drawing him into a hug. She placed her head on his chest, all the time still laughing. He finally gave in to the irony of the situation, as he too, started laughing returning the warm embrace.


The train gently rocked back and forth in a smooth rhythmic motion, lending itself to aid in the sleep of weary travelers. Although it was only eight o'clock in the evening, the long journey had worn them out. Irvine finally had drifted into a light sleep as Zell snored aloud. The martial artist's sleep that was like any other night. In an unconscious state, he began the terrifying chain of events that he learned to dread the last months.

The dream occurred in the same fashion as any other time, the Balamb plains, the crystal blue pond, and the blood, so much blood. Every detail chiseled in his mind, every fear recalled when he awoke. The dream, the visions, had merged into his waking moments. Zell could essentially picture the events with undocumented accuracy, even when he was awake. Finally, the last events of the tragic scene played out in his state of slumber. He welcomed the escape that allowed him to join the conscious world. Waking up with a jolt, the train hissed as compressed air was applied to activate the breaks.

However, this time was different. Never had the nightmare been so early, the clock would always read 4:27 in the morning. The red neon numbers became a small comfort after the images. It was always the first sign of reality. This time, there was no digital numbers and no electric clock. He shook his head trying to get the traces of sleep out of his mind, as he felt a slight tickle on his foot. Somewhere during the trip, the two ticket stubs had fallen down, causing the slightest pressure on his sock. His first thought, leave the tickets, someone was paid to clean up these things…let them earn their wage. However, good manners prevailed as he reached down to properly throw away the trash.

If by destiny, as if by fate, he chanced to glance down at the stubs…something caught his attention. A numerical replacement for the digital clock, the tickets listed the train number as 427. Zell had been the one who had purchased the tickets for the wrong train. A sudden feeling ensnared his body, indescribable at best. No longer being controlled by his own thoughts, a force seemed to be guiding him as he shouted to Irvine.

"Oh shit, Irvine this is it! I found it!" Zell screamed wholeheartedly.

Irvine woke from his sleep, giving the martial artist a look of repugnance, "Found what?"

"I don't know, but I know it's here!"

"Great…really."

Zell jumped from his seat as the train parked at the station. He found himself pushing the hoards of train passengers out of the way, heading for what…he didn't know. Pedestrians were cussing at him, several even pushed back. Zell would not tire from his quest, whatever that may be. He reached the forward most compartment, scanning the car thoroughly. A woman was disembarking from the train, and the conductor was helping her to the station platform. He could not see her face, only the auburn hair. There was something familiar about her, something drawing him.

He opened the closest emergency exit, setting off alarms and bells throughout the passenger compartments. Running the direction the woman headed, suddenly he stopped as soldiers closed in. Galbadian troops were in Dollet now…during a time of supposed peace, guarding the train station at this time of night? Then it hit him, like a pursuit that abruptly ends after months, years of searching. He was meant to be here, fate decided this.

He continued on forward, taking note of the military positioning within the station. Turning his head around to scan for Irvine, he ran unexpectedly into someone. He started the ritual meaningless apology, and then he saw her, the same woman he had seen on the train. Then he saw them, the soldiers gaining on her position raising arms. Then he saw the child, the baby carefully cradled protectively in the woman's arms. Allison.