It's In the File

Chapter 4: The Immigrant Song

Disclaimer: ...Not now. I'm depressed. Bahamut is a... a... THIEF! *Cries himself to sleep*

Our lovable, Albino-With-A-Tan-And-A-Sucky-Ass-Sequel-Idiot, walked through the empty castle halls, reflecting on what just happened.

Dante: I broke down a door, declared myself king of the Shoopufs, ate a pound of 'Special Brownies', took a leak on that tree, and somehow ended up in this altar. TO THE LEFT!

And thusly, our hero took a left, and wandered out to the infamous plateau of 5 red orbs. And then he planted the red orbs into the ground, and it was good. He then walked across the infamous catwalk, and then noticed something terrible...

Dante: In the author's hurry to move along the story, I have not gotten Alastor! Le gasp...

Son of a bitch! Plot device a-go-go, baby! Erm... Suddenly, the platform collapsed under Dante's feet. He felt himself falling, falling, being stabbed, shocking, falling, splashing, getting a bigger shock, and then, as he opened his eyes, and noticed the sword hilt protruding from his chest. All of a sudden, his amulet glowed bright.

Amulet: Must break sword, break it now, break sword, DO A BARREL ROLL, break sword, y halo thar, buttseckz?

Dante:  Damnable LUE amulet... but Alastor? Why are you here?

Alastor: It was all a corporate scandal. My company's funding ran out, so they sold me to the first license they could find. And Capcom won a bet, so...

Dante: That still doesn't explain why you're embedded in my chest, and all of the skull's stopped moving, and is it just me, or do I smell toast?

Alastor: Well, first, you must pull me from your ribcage, and wield me as you would your brother's teddy bear.

Amulet: It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time, Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Oh... Um... Right. Kill, kill now, death is good, suicide is your only option, Yuna was my only love, love turns men into fools, look, a quarter!

Dante: My Amulet speaks the truth... TO THE MAURY MOBILE!

All of a sudden, volcanic activity produced a tremendous explosion. Dante then stood on the remains of the bridge, soaking wet, with an electric sword in his ribcage, an evil talisman on his neck, and a whole mess of plot holes.

Dante: *Walks through the door, takes the Lion's Pride* Hey... Cool. Alastor, touch my thing.

Alastor: Do you EVER intend to take me out of your chest?

Dante: ...No.

All of a sudden, Phantom then fell from the sky! Yes, from the sky. Not the roof, not the floor, BUT THE SKY! Matter composed in midair, formed into a lava spider!

Dante: But why is he all transparent? And the glass isn't even shattered!

Rand al'Thor: *Walks through the door, sword glowing with Balefire* Yo. 'Sup, devil boy?

Lews: Look, I was already made fun of with that damn amulet. DEATHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rand: Ignore him.

Dante: So, I see you're a man of great power. HAVE AT YE!

Dante then reached for the Force Edge, but... IT WAS NOT THERE!

Dante: DAMN YOUR BALEFIRE! ...I have no sword. OH, WOE IS ME!

Alastor: Yo, jackass, down here!

Dante: STFU N00B!

Amulet: Oh shit, he got the meds!

Dante: *Rips out Alastor, tosses it aside* OMGWTFLOLBBQ!? I W1LL PWN J00R ASS!

Rand: Prepare to die!

Lews: Oh, fuck this.

Dante: *Suddenly, yanks out the Durandal from Fire Emblem* j00 h4ve n0 c|-|4nce, n00b.

Rand: I will not lose! *Takes out Callandor* BALEFIREDOKEN!!! *Launches a torrent of white flame*

Dante: SHIZIT!

Amulet: DO A BARREL ROLL!

And just as this set in, Dante twisted the sword behind his back, and twisted his body in an unusual sideways flip, glowing blue with deflection power.

Rand: *Runs off*

Amulet: Use 'Boost' to catch up! (Up C)

Dante then had a humongous flame trailing behind him as he trailed behind Rand.

Dante: *Glows with energy* I COME FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW!

He then focused, and launched a huge slash. All of a sudden, a single image came across the screen:

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Amulet/Lews: YOU'RE WINNER!

Dante then came out from the rubble. As his meds wore off, he took out a guitar.

Dante: Kiddies, let us not forget the lesson of Rand:

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
How soft your fields so green, can whisper tales of gore,
Of how we calmed the tides of war. We are your overlords.

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins,
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing.