What Happens When You Let the Butler Tag Along
by Triangular Circle
One of my reviewers commented on my use of the loading bar in the previous chapter and said it wasn't neccessary. Well, of course, I know that. This whole story is unneccessary, a pointless waste of time. ^_^ Also, they asked why the wolves didn't attack. I like wolves, and there has never been a single report of a healthy wild wolf attacking a human in North America. Yeah, I know they're in South America. . . But still, I don't like the idea. Wolves have much better things to be doing than killing worthless humans that give foul meat. ^^
DISCLAIMER: What? I dun own it, okie?! Sheesh. . . x.x ______________________________________________________
Chapter Two: City of Vilcabamba - Butlers Don't Swim
Jeevo: ::sobbing:: I lost my Snickers bar in the bear incident! ::wails::
Lara: Oh God. . . shut it, will you?! ::steaming::
Lara proceeded to drag the blubbering butler along through the doorway to the City of Vilcabamba. As always she kept her guns at the ready in case one of them wolves decided that their territory wasn't big enough for the both of 'em.
Making it around to a brightly lit open area centered around a square pool of water, Lara decided there was thus far no danger, and put her weapon away. She must not have smelled the bear dung in the stall seven paces away.
Jeevo: ::pointing behind Lara:: L-L-L-a-a-ra. . . ?
Lara: WHAT NOW?!
Jeevo: ::passes out::
Lara: ::looks behind herself to see a giant flesh-and-blood Carebear looming over her. . . preferrably Sunshine Bear, but whatever:: Um. ::stares in disbelief::
Carebear: FEEL MY WRATH!! ::opens mouth, which is full of shiny crystal teeth::
Lara: ::faints::
Carebear: What?! No! I can't stand the sight of fainted human bodies! NOOO! ::dies::
A few moments later, Lara and Jeevo awoke to see the Carebear carcass lying half-rotten on the ground. It stunk of vile roadkill.
Lara: Well, that's one problem down. ::looks down at the square pool in the center of the room:: You stay here, old gasball. ::dives in::
Jeevo yammered over being left alone, screaming so loud that his mistress could hear him despite her underwater depth. She surfaced, looking cross.
Lara: What's up with you?! Can't you leave me in peace to do my work?! ::begins to drag him underwater with her::
Jeevo: ::suddenly sprouts sharp claws and shreds Lara up, screaming and hissing::
Lara: You're all worried about being alone, and yet you refuse to come along! Worthless lardbag! ::roars::
Jeevo: ::becomes timid and whispers:: It's the water, Miss Croft. . . Water is evil. . .
To solve the new problem, Lara wandered around, thinking. When her legs became tired from all the pacing, she sat down on the Carebear carcass to continue her thinking.
Suddenly she hatched a brilliant idea. Digging through her backpack, she found a pocket knife and a three-foot lethal drill. She began to drill a reasonably small hole in the bear. Blood and guts came pouring out.
Jeevo: LARA! Egads, what messy work! ::turns away before he can hurl::
In due time Lara had completely hollowed out the carcass, like a jack-o- lantern. But, like a jack-o-lantern, some of the meat and organs managed to stay stuck to the inside. Regardless, Lara picked Jeevo up, put him inside the sweltering hot corpse, and sealed all openings with rubber cement (yet another useful item in her backpack).
Lara: There. A submarine for little Jeevey-Poo so he doesn't have to drown. -_-'
Jeevo: ::screaming inside the bear::
Lara dragged the carcass-sub into the water behind her as she went looking for the switch that would open some door.
After discovering Atlantis in the sorry-excuse-for-a-swimming-pool, Lara finally found the lever and pushed it. Yes. She PUSHED a lever. That's when everything went wrong.
The carebear carcass-sub exploded, Jeevo came speeding out like a torpedo, and all of the water in the pool discintegrated into thin air. The problem was, Lara could only breathe thick air.
Jeevo: ::farts::
Lara: (after rolling around on the floor unnable to breathe) Thanks for the thick air, my trusty gasball!
So then they made it all the way out to a new area, where Lara had to get them safely across a suspended collapsable floor, then push a giant block, then fall and break her neck out of a ten-story window that led them right back to where they had started. Only now they had this new key thingy. Yay!
Lara unlocked a door and dragged Jeevo into an area where they were met with three new doorways, lined up as if only one was the correct path. . .
Lara: Jeevo. . . This is one of those ones where you must choose one door or be killed. . .
Jeevo: Uhhh. . . Just go in the first one, pull a switch or whatnot, then come back and go into the next doorway-
Lara: IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! ::fetal position:: Cruel cruel world. . . ::sucks thumb::
Jeevo shrugged-
Jeevo: ::shrugs::
--and walked into the first doorway.
Jeevo: ::walks into the first doorway::
Lara followed him, quite sure that this would be the one right path, but was not looking where she was going. She slid onto a patch of lime Jell-O and slipped around on it at two hundred miles per hour before finally getting onto a ledge of toilet paper and dragging Jeevo up with her.
Finally they came to an area where they were required to exit the room they had decided to enter, and then go into the next room. But Lara, who was quite terrified and insisting that it still didn't work that way, refused to leave. She sat on the patch of Jell-O and shivered away. Jeevo had to toddle around for a few days, getting all of the puzzles solved and items obtained (he was quite shaken after the giant swinging axes).
When it was time to head to the next level, Jeevo dragged Lara by her braid until they reached the final door.
He was not expecting a second giant Carebear to attack.
He narrowly missed its lunge, tossing Lara onto another Jell-O patch and sliding around with her at two hundred miles-per-hour. The carebear became highly dizzy, and collapsed onto them. Luckily, he had just come from the drycleaner's and was very soft and fluffy. In due time, the butler and his mistress passed into the next level. Geez. Took long enough.
by Triangular Circle
One of my reviewers commented on my use of the loading bar in the previous chapter and said it wasn't neccessary. Well, of course, I know that. This whole story is unneccessary, a pointless waste of time. ^_^ Also, they asked why the wolves didn't attack. I like wolves, and there has never been a single report of a healthy wild wolf attacking a human in North America. Yeah, I know they're in South America. . . But still, I don't like the idea. Wolves have much better things to be doing than killing worthless humans that give foul meat. ^^
DISCLAIMER: What? I dun own it, okie?! Sheesh. . . x.x ______________________________________________________
Chapter Two: City of Vilcabamba - Butlers Don't Swim
Jeevo: ::sobbing:: I lost my Snickers bar in the bear incident! ::wails::
Lara: Oh God. . . shut it, will you?! ::steaming::
Lara proceeded to drag the blubbering butler along through the doorway to the City of Vilcabamba. As always she kept her guns at the ready in case one of them wolves decided that their territory wasn't big enough for the both of 'em.
Making it around to a brightly lit open area centered around a square pool of water, Lara decided there was thus far no danger, and put her weapon away. She must not have smelled the bear dung in the stall seven paces away.
Jeevo: ::pointing behind Lara:: L-L-L-a-a-ra. . . ?
Lara: WHAT NOW?!
Jeevo: ::passes out::
Lara: ::looks behind herself to see a giant flesh-and-blood Carebear looming over her. . . preferrably Sunshine Bear, but whatever:: Um. ::stares in disbelief::
Carebear: FEEL MY WRATH!! ::opens mouth, which is full of shiny crystal teeth::
Lara: ::faints::
Carebear: What?! No! I can't stand the sight of fainted human bodies! NOOO! ::dies::
A few moments later, Lara and Jeevo awoke to see the Carebear carcass lying half-rotten on the ground. It stunk of vile roadkill.
Lara: Well, that's one problem down. ::looks down at the square pool in the center of the room:: You stay here, old gasball. ::dives in::
Jeevo yammered over being left alone, screaming so loud that his mistress could hear him despite her underwater depth. She surfaced, looking cross.
Lara: What's up with you?! Can't you leave me in peace to do my work?! ::begins to drag him underwater with her::
Jeevo: ::suddenly sprouts sharp claws and shreds Lara up, screaming and hissing::
Lara: You're all worried about being alone, and yet you refuse to come along! Worthless lardbag! ::roars::
Jeevo: ::becomes timid and whispers:: It's the water, Miss Croft. . . Water is evil. . .
To solve the new problem, Lara wandered around, thinking. When her legs became tired from all the pacing, she sat down on the Carebear carcass to continue her thinking.
Suddenly she hatched a brilliant idea. Digging through her backpack, she found a pocket knife and a three-foot lethal drill. She began to drill a reasonably small hole in the bear. Blood and guts came pouring out.
Jeevo: LARA! Egads, what messy work! ::turns away before he can hurl::
In due time Lara had completely hollowed out the carcass, like a jack-o- lantern. But, like a jack-o-lantern, some of the meat and organs managed to stay stuck to the inside. Regardless, Lara picked Jeevo up, put him inside the sweltering hot corpse, and sealed all openings with rubber cement (yet another useful item in her backpack).
Lara: There. A submarine for little Jeevey-Poo so he doesn't have to drown. -_-'
Jeevo: ::screaming inside the bear::
Lara dragged the carcass-sub into the water behind her as she went looking for the switch that would open some door.
After discovering Atlantis in the sorry-excuse-for-a-swimming-pool, Lara finally found the lever and pushed it. Yes. She PUSHED a lever. That's when everything went wrong.
The carebear carcass-sub exploded, Jeevo came speeding out like a torpedo, and all of the water in the pool discintegrated into thin air. The problem was, Lara could only breathe thick air.
Jeevo: ::farts::
Lara: (after rolling around on the floor unnable to breathe) Thanks for the thick air, my trusty gasball!
So then they made it all the way out to a new area, where Lara had to get them safely across a suspended collapsable floor, then push a giant block, then fall and break her neck out of a ten-story window that led them right back to where they had started. Only now they had this new key thingy. Yay!
Lara unlocked a door and dragged Jeevo into an area where they were met with three new doorways, lined up as if only one was the correct path. . .
Lara: Jeevo. . . This is one of those ones where you must choose one door or be killed. . .
Jeevo: Uhhh. . . Just go in the first one, pull a switch or whatnot, then come back and go into the next doorway-
Lara: IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! ::fetal position:: Cruel cruel world. . . ::sucks thumb::
Jeevo shrugged-
Jeevo: ::shrugs::
--and walked into the first doorway.
Jeevo: ::walks into the first doorway::
Lara followed him, quite sure that this would be the one right path, but was not looking where she was going. She slid onto a patch of lime Jell-O and slipped around on it at two hundred miles per hour before finally getting onto a ledge of toilet paper and dragging Jeevo up with her.
Finally they came to an area where they were required to exit the room they had decided to enter, and then go into the next room. But Lara, who was quite terrified and insisting that it still didn't work that way, refused to leave. She sat on the patch of Jell-O and shivered away. Jeevo had to toddle around for a few days, getting all of the puzzles solved and items obtained (he was quite shaken after the giant swinging axes).
When it was time to head to the next level, Jeevo dragged Lara by her braid until they reached the final door.
He was not expecting a second giant Carebear to attack.
He narrowly missed its lunge, tossing Lara onto another Jell-O patch and sliding around with her at two hundred miles-per-hour. The carebear became highly dizzy, and collapsed onto them. Luckily, he had just come from the drycleaner's and was very soft and fluffy. In due time, the butler and his mistress passed into the next level. Geez. Took long enough.
