The crickets chirped their usual night lullaby while hands skillfully tugged at the thread sowed into the cloth. The dim candlelight was the only guide to the needle's path as Tomoe mended the rip. She sighed and leaned back against the wall. Her father was not home again. For the past week or so, he has been coming home late, worrying Tomoe to death. In her rest from her work, she heard the gate close, startling her. She sat up and stared at the doorway, awaiting her father to walk through it. Her father trudged in, his face full of exhaustion. He stared at her with old eyes, the flame from her candle reflected in his eyes.
"'tou-san...are you okay?" Tomoe asked with her hands in her lap.
He nodded with a slight cough, putting his clenched fist to his mouth.
"I'm just catching a slight cold." he informed her as he went for a cup and poured himself some water from a pitcher.
With a gulp, he paused and stared at the inside of his cup.
"The first snow will come late tonight." he stated.
She looked at him with uncertainty.
"How do you know that?"
"I can feel it. I always had a sense about the weather. Always."
He placed his cup down and departed from the room, the sound of his footsteps lagging behind him.
A Moment's Memory
Romantic Tales Before the Meiji Era
Act IV: Regrets
The candle's flame flickered for a moment as she wrote in her journal, revealing her most personal thoughts and reflections of the day.
My father has been going out every night, leaving in the morning, not returning until way after nightfall. I can see it in Enishi's eyes, too. We both feel uneasy of this new change that has come about our father. Surely, he hasn't found a woman that satisfies his middle-aged whimsies with her feminine wiles. I can't accept that thought of my father. I worry so much about him, yet I never tell him. I can never express my care for any of the ones I love. Does that make me inhuman? Does that make me cold as all the people in Edo have branded me? Which leads me to another thought...what of me and Kiyosato?
Tomoe stopped as she felt a sudden chill sweep over her. She clutched at the fabric of her yukatta tighter to herself and looked outside. Standing up, she sauntered over to the shoji and slid open the door. Her eyes widened at the sight. The powdered snow was falling to the ground. Winter was here.
*** *** ***
Coming back from the market with her shawled wrapped tightly around her shoulders, Tomoe trekked back home with a bundle of vegetables in hand. As she came upon her neighborhood, she caught sight of the children playing. She smiled, but it faded as she saw no sign of Enishi. She walked further until she came upon her house. In front of it, Enishi stood, alone, building a snowman. Her expression saddened. He was alone again.
"Enishi?" Tomoe called.
He looked up from his work and gave her an innocent smile. She returned it with her own and walked up to him.
"Why aren't you playing with the children?" she asked.
"They're not my friends." he said almost bitterly.
She bit her lip.
"What of your new friend?" she inquired curiously.
He was silent as he rolled up a ball of snow while seated in a squatting position.
"We're not friends anymore..." Enishi muttered.
Tomoe's blood ran cold with his tone of voice. It was so bitter. She turned away from him and walked through the gate, leaving him to play on his own.
"Tomoe!"
She turned around in surprise to hear Kiyosato's voice. She walked outside to see Kiyosato across the street with a bunch of men his age. She walked up to them and they all said their goodbyes.
"Well, bye, Kiyosato!" one yelled as he started walking away.
"We'll see you tonight at the usual place." another said and walked away with the remaining men.
"You seem to have fun there. You've been going almost every night." Tomoe commented.
"It's fun. The guys all talk about their day and we drink sake." Kiyosato said as he turned to her with his smile.
I care for Kiyosato. These frequent visits to the bar have become apart of him. And if it is what he does, I want to be apart of that as well. I want to be closer to Kiyosato and if going there closes the distance between us, then so be it. Tomoe thought wistfully.
"Would you mind if I went with you?" Tomoe asked.
Kiyosato blinked in disbelief and had an expression of shock.
"Not at all." he said with almost a stutter at the beginning.
"Then I shall see you tonight." she said with a smile.
"I'll come for you after dinner." he said with a firm nod.
*** *** ***
Tomoe finished the last of the dishes and wiped her hands on a towel. She turned to see Enishi seated leaning against the wall, his arm leaned on his up-right knee. He looked dully at the yard with a sigh.
"Enishi, get to bed." she commanded.
"Why are you in a rush to usher to me to my room?" he asked curiously, not even turning his head to her.
She looked down and closed her eyes with a release of her breath.
"I'm going out tonight." she stated.
"What?"
He turned his head to her in disbelief.
"But you never go out. Why tonight?" he paused and his eyes widened with rage, "Not with Kiyosato?"
"Yes. I have asked to go with him to somewhere he enjoys." she said as she locked eye contact with her little brother.
"You can't!" he yelled.
"Enishi-!"
"Don't yell at me! How dare you neglect me!"
"Enishi, I have not neglected you. I have given up my childhood to take care of you, so you have no right to say that I have neglected you!" she snapped.
He stood up and stomped out of the room. She turned her head to the side and let a frustrated sigh escape her.
"Why must be you so difficult when it comes to Kiyosato...?" she asked as if Enishi were right there.
*** *** ***
Kiyosato stopped before the establishment and turned to his companion. He looked at her, her slim frame blending in with the snow because of her pure white kimono. Her lips trembled a bit and she let out a breath indicating her current freezing state.
"Are you sure you want to walk in there, Tomoe?" he asked almost uncertain.
She nodded with her usual impassive face.
"Tomoe, don't lie to me. You don't have to come here because I go here." he said with assurance.
"I want to go in." she said firmly and clearly.
He nodded and put his hand to the door, but stopped and turned to her once again.
"You've been drinking before, right?" he asked again with an uncertain tone.
"Kiyosato..."
"Okay."
He opened the door and she followed in behind him, the door cut off the frigid air outside and sustained the warmth in the room. There was much merriment in the room with men all in little groups, scattered about the place. Her eyes traced over each of the men and a few whistled at her. Kiyosato placed a hand on her elbow almost protectively. Her heart skipped a beat the moment the first touch was made, but she made no extremely obvious signs to indicate that she was truly affected. He led her across the room until they came upon a table full of Kiyosato's friends. There were two seats reserved, side-by-side. Kiyosato sat down and Tomoe next to him.
"Hey, Akira! We were wondering when you'd show up!" one of the men yelled merrily.
"Looks like Ryouta's already drunk..." another one of his friends commented and Kiyosato gave a hearty laugh.
His laugh was like music to Tomoe's ears. He was such a happy man. She started to get a funny feeling in her stomach, and she realized that this might've been a mistake. Suddenly, Tomoe felt a hand cover hers underneath the table. Startled, she turned to see Kiyosato lean towards her.
"Are you okay?" he asked softly.
She nodded and that's when the sake was placed before them.
"So, Kiyosato, how well can your woman take her liquor?" one fellow asked.
"Um...I think you're mistaken. You see Tomoe and I are not-."
Kiyosato cut himself off to see Tomoe drinking the cup of sake. His jaw dropped as she took it like as if she had done it before.
"Tomoe?! You drink?" he said in shock.
She put down the cup and one of his friends poured more into the cup.
"Wow, Kiyosato! You've got a winner there! She drinks better than my girl! Mine hates the taste!" one yelled with a vigorous pat given to Kiyosato on the back.
"Tom-To-To-Tomoe, don't you know that it's strong?" Kiyosato said with a stutter.
A bitter expression passed over her features and she returned to normal.
"It is strong." she simply commented and picked up the refilled cup.
*** *** ***
Cups of sake were littered around the table as all the men had drunk their fill and were in a drunken roar of chatter and laughter.
"And Genji, here, said, 'Hey, all the more to ya'!" one of Kiyosato's friends roared and busted into a hearty laugh, the other men joining him at the finishing of the anecdote.
Kiyosato, still laughing, turned to check on Tomoe who sat there calmly her hand over her mouth. His mirth faded as he caught sight of her eyes. They were so unusual, like she was sad, yet she was worried about something.
"Tomoe?" he said in a soft voice, leaning close to her.
She turned to him in surprise, her hand still holding its position in front of her mouth.
"Are you okay?" he asked in concern.
She removed her hand and took hold of her shawl and bag.
"Forgive me. I must get home. I'm not feeling well." she said in her neutral voice.
She stood up, still as graceful as one could muster even in a drunken state.
"This was a mistake..." she said inaudibly before departing the place entirely.
She closed the door behind her, the sound of wood making impact with wood closing behind her. She sighed and looked up. The snow was falling from the dark, midnight sky and the air chilled her to the bone, now gone from the warmth of the room. She was ashamed that she had gotten so drunk so easily. A better woman wouldn't have drank so much on her first outing. It was despicable. With a heavy heart, she began her trek home. The crunch of snow could be heard under her feet and the sounds of some businesses still up and running because of the drunkards out. And then, that's when she heard a second pair of steps trailing behind her, the sounds barely reaching her ears. Her shallow breaths were softened and her heart started beating faster. Her mind started racing over the follower. It was probably a drunkard, one who recently exited a bar and was looking for a girl to dowse his desires. Her breathing became audible again as she found it harder to walk and that's when she felt a radiating heat at her back. A hand grabbed her shoulder from behind. Her eyes widened in fear and she snapped her head to the side to see Kiyosato's head a bit above her shoulder.
"You shouldn't go home like this. I will escort you." he said softly, the words barely escaping his parted lips.
The warmth was gone and she was surprised to see Kiyosato start to walk. She trailed behind him, her head tiled down, looking at the snow-covered ground before her. But she now noticed that her sight was somewhat off kilter and weariness over came her. With staggering steps, she finally fell to her knees and tried to push herself back up as weak as she was. When she pushed away a few stray bangs, she looked up to see Kiyosato standing before her, looking down. She hung her head, on the brink of tears. This night was not supposed to be like this. Instead of winning his affections, she had won his pity and shame. How could she have been so foolish to believe that one night could solve everything. She looked up and saw a hand before her...Kiyosato's hand... She stared at it in disbelief and uncertainty, then looked to his face. His smile was there, the merriment in his eyes. She tore her head away from his gaze and tried to stand up, but she found her knees falter.
"Tomoe."
She looked up to see that his face was now serious, his eyes purged of all joviality and replaced with worry and care.
"I will take care of you. Let me take you home." he said firmly.
She had never heard him speak in that tone before.
"Home..." she said wistfully.
She took his hand and he brought her up to her feet, but upon reaching her stance, she fell upon him. Her hands fisted in his gi as she tried to reach balance and her forehead leaned on his chest. She noticed that he hadn't let go of her hand, holding it to his chest, except that he changed the position. His hand was covering her own. Her head rose up to meet his meekly and she saw that he was still serious. He just stared at her with no intention of reacting. The smell of white plums and sake filled his senses. Then there was her appearance. Her cheeks were flushed, stained with a light crimson color and her eyes glittering with unshed tears. He couldn't help himself. He lowered his head, his lips parted slightly. Tomoe just stayed still, not knowing what to do, yet her breath was quickening. She closed her eyes, waiting for it to come, but felt something brush against her forehead. She opened her eyes to see Kiyosato placing a chaste kiss upon that area and afterwards, giving her a slight smile before lifting her into his arms. She felt odd being taken care of. It was not something that happened to her often with her mother deceased. Even though the ache of her mother's absence resided in her heart, she felt so warm right then. She just exhaled and leaned her head against Kiyosato's shoulder as he carried her home. It felt so right and all her shame melted away in his hold. She had her guard down. She felt safe.
*** *** ***
Tomoe stood on the side, leaning against the wall as Kiyosato tried to open the gate as silently as he could. She swallowed back the warm and heavy lump in her throat as she tried to push away the vomit from coming up. She lifted her head to see Kiyosato reaching for her and she took his hand lazily. Before she could fall, he pulled her into his arms and she leaned against him as he walked her in. She stumbled over her feet a few times, but Kiyosato's grip on her was firm and he did not let her loose herself. Finally, they had made it to her room and he put her to the ground. She sat down and watched as he unrolled her futon, getting her bed ready for her. His face was so stern yet his concern was so earnest. Her heart started to beat faster as she watched him in the dim moonlight filtering in her room from the open door. Turning to her, he walked over and lifted her to her feet gently. He walked her over to her bed and let her down in her bed.
"Kiyo-."
"Shh. You'll wake up your family." he whispered as he tucked her in.
"I'm still in my kimono..." she said faintly.
"I know."
There was a silence as he stood up and went towards the door.
"Kiyosato, I-."
He turned to her and made a gesture for her to be quiet. He gave a smile as he whispered almost inaudibly, "Oyasumi nasai."
She watched him close the door behind him and the shadow of his retreating form until he was fully gone. She sighed and closed her eyes. She had missed another chance to tell him her feelings.
*** *** ***
Tomoe sat on her porch, leaning against the wooden pillar while clutching her stomach. She felt so sick. Her skin was so pale in the daylight almost matching the color of her kimono. She had changed since the night before into a yukatta, so that she would be comfortable with this new sickness she had gotten. If only she hadn't drank so much sake, she wouldn't be like this.
"Looks like you had a great night..." a feminine voice commented.
Tomoe looked up to see Ayumi beside her, dressed in a fine red kimono and black shawl.
"You look good today. Any reason why?" Tomoe asked weakly.
"Myoujin-san is coming to visit."
"Myoujin-san? You're still not on a first name basis?"
"You're not with Kiyosato." Ayumi said with pursed lips.
"We're not engaged." Tomoe deadpanned.
"Well, Toson-san and I have had pleasant conversations."
"Really?"
"Yes. He's actually a very kind man, yet I fear he worries of his status in a samurai family. He is so insecure about displeasing me. He loves me a lot."
There was a silence as Ayumi looked to the sky and Tomoe leaned her head to the side. Tomoe did not know what to say about Ayumi and Toson. Ayumi was starting to show interest in her husband-to-be, yet she never said that she returned his love. This worried Tomoe. But Ayumi was right. All women have a right and certain pride to please their families. Ayumi was pleasing them by this marriage arrangement. Ayumi had always been the one to voice her impressions or feelings, but with Toson, it was different. Ayumi would never utter a word of what she felt for him. Maybe it were empty affections, just doing what she was taught: to listen to her partner and be obedient. What would Tomoe do for when and if the time ever came for her. Would she react as Ayumi did for Toson. Would her heart be empty as well as her actions, or would she actually wake up to be with the man she loved. It was odd how in times of another's problems, Tomoe contemplated her own thoughts on it and if she were in that scenario.
"Tomoe? You got drunk, didn't you?" Ayumi asked with worry.
Tomoe nodded numbly.
"Did anything happen?"
"No."
"Oh."
There was another brief silence and a breeze swept the area around them causing the two girls to clutch their shawls closer to themselves. The breeze provoked the gate to swing open and shut, the hinges creaking. The two girls turned their heads to see it just swing without a soul to walk through it.
"I saw your father with a woman last night." Ayumi blurted out.
Tomoe looked lazily up at her and there was a certain questioning in her look. Ayumi's hands twisted the shawl in grasp as she explained.
"Toson took me out to dinner and I caught sight of such melodious laughter. I turned just to get a glimpse at the its source and I saw a woman on your father's arm. I don't know for sure, but he was just there and he didn't do anything to remove her." Ayumi's demure diminished before Tomoe's eyes as she watched her began to get emotional, "I didn't know what to do. Everything you told me about your mother kept popping up in my mind, and especially, the talks of your father and her. It was like he didn't care for your mother's absence at all, like he had never loved her!"
She clamped a hand over her mouth and her eyes went downward. Tomoe looked down as well.
"Maybe they weren't. Not all people get married for the right reasons, some get married for the only available reasons."
"Tomoe, don't say that. I don't know if she was his woman."
"Ayumi, you've said everything I need to know. Please don't upset yourself anymore."
"Tomoe, I'm sorry. I just couldn't keep this from you."
Tomoe just gave her a faint smile and closed her eyes as she leaned her head off to the side.
*** *** ***
The night was present, the flame flickering in the small home. Tomoe's brush fluttered across the pages as she wrote all her thoughts of the previous night and the present night in. She stopped as she heard the gate open and close followed by heavy footsteps. She put the brush aside and stood up, rushing out of the room. Going out of her room, she caught her dad walking to his.
"'tou-san..." she said almost firmly, but she faltered at the end.
He turned around and faced her with exhausted eyes. It was now or never and she felt she had to confront him then.
"Where have you been?" she asked, this time with strength.
"Out." he replied aloofly.
"No, 'tou-san. I want to know where."
The way he looked at her did not change. He was not angry at her stern question. He knew she deserved any answer for a question she posed.
"I was at the restaurant near the market and I was with some friends at their food stall." he replied.
"Who is she?"
He was silent before he finally replied, "Just a friend."
"She doesn't look like it."
"Don't look at me like that, Tomoe. You look so damn angry." he said with his voice never leaving its volume status.
"Do you love her?"
"No."
"Then why is she with you? What is she to you?"
"She's company."
"'tou-san-."
"Tomoe," he silenced her with the bark of her name and he continued on, "Every man feels lonely one point in his life. Is it so wrong to find company for those times?"
"You have me and Enishi."
He gave her a lop-sided smile and walked towards her. Cupping her cheek with his hand, he let it fall back down to his side and his smile faded.
"My...how could I have not noticed that you are a woman now with her own voice." he commented.
"It happened the day mother died."
"Aa."
"Do you understand?"
"Hai."
"I miss your smile, 'tou-san. You smile and act normal around everyone else, but at home, you're different. When will you smile for your son? When will you smile for you children?"
He looked at the winter moon. It was so far off, his eyes were looking at it as he were already there.
"My heart is filled with love for you and Enishi, and I am a man of jovial and inviting nature, Tomoe. Even though your mother and I were arranged to marry, I still smiled for her like I do for all of Edo. To tell you the truth, we didn't care for each other when we married, but it was convenient for both our families. After she got pregnant with you, we had respect for each other and that respect grew into love." he paused, watching the moon drifting behind the clouds, and his eyes locked with hers, "White plum...you smell like your mother."
"It was mom's." she answered as she lowered her head while fumbling with her hands.
Turning his back on her, he started walking to his room. He stopped, as if he were contemplating what words to use. Tomoe watched her father in anticipation of what he would do or say next.
"I have so many regrets, Tomoe. I regret not taking better care of you and Enishi. I regret letting you take over the responsibilities, which led to the estrangement between father and children. But most of all, I regret letting your mother in to the point that I cared so much for her."
"'tou-san..."
"I feel like a foolish old man because instead of taking care of my family, you've been doing it. What kind of father does that make me?"
Her head hung and she stared at the floor as his footsteps faded away while the moon's light reappeared.
*** *** ***
Hideo sat out on the porch, looking at the sky. His lips trembled with the lack of warmth and he cursed himself for not bringing a blanket or something. Wrapping his arms around himself, he felt something dropped or almost rather placed upon his shoulders now keeping him a bit warmer. He looked up in surprise to see his daughter standing beside him, looking down with an impassive face.
"It's cold, 'tou-san." she stated in a moderate tone and faint volume she usually spoke to her father in.
Bending over, she managed to seat herself beside her father and joined him at looking at the sky. Hideo's guilt of his confession still burned within him and he couldn't help but feel that he wasn't worthy of such a daughter for being such a horrible father. That's when he felt warmth again. He looked to his side and saw his daughter leaning her head upon his shoulder with her hands still folded neatly in her lap. She was still so lady-like.
"I will stay with you, 'tou-san." she said softly before closing her eyes.
He smiled.
- End of Part IV -
Question to the Readers: What did Kiyosato leave to Tomoe when he died?
I haven't seen the first and second OVA, but in the third they talk about what Kiyosato left her and all I see is a stick on her diary. I desparately need to know what that is! I'm also looking for a site on Shogunate jobs because no one was specific on what Tomoe's father was in his profession. They just said he was away a lot. Was he soldier? What was he?!
Author's Note: How do you like the new addition? Hate it? Love it? Or you think it's mediocre? Could've done better? Could've done worse? Give me your input! Thanks for the reviews everyone! I also appreciate any feedback. I love Kiyosato! But I love Kenshin more. I want him! His flame red hair, the violet eyes...*sigh* a girl can just drown in 'em. * Clears throat * So...anyway, with my story, I was hoping to get this linked with what I saw in the OVA. I noticed throughout the series she always had moments where she was shocked or something and paused. To viewers, it would seem like it was a reaction to what was never done before like when she fell over and Kenshin offered his hand to her in the snow. But what if instead of it being shock, it had been because it reminded her of Kiyosato or some of her past. I'm not saying it wasn't shock or turmoil of emotions for her time with Battousai (I love that name! It's so sexy!), I'm saying in my story that maybe in addition to that, it was something that reminded her of the past. But in the manga, that scene never happened, so maybe if you're following the manga, it won't be a scene reminding her of anything. Weird, I know... But–moving on–I loved thinking up of this scenario for Tomoe and Kiyosato. Nobody ever really thinks that she would do something like that, so I wrote it up. I know Watsuki modeled Tomoe to be like Rei with such devoid emotions, but I'm trying to write her with actual WAFF as much as I can. Also, I forgot what bars were called. I think teahouses, but that doesn't sound right... And Anyway, please read and review! ^.^
