Author: Odoriferous
Title: Enough
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or any of the characters. But my birthday's coming up in two weeks!
Spoilers: Some general spoilers, Play with Fire, Butterflied
This is just a short post-butterflied fic. It's a little sad, but there's hope (I think). Feedback is always appreciated, be at bad news or good…
Part oneHe couldn't do it, she tought. What does that mean? That he was afraid? That he didn't want to? Didn't want her? What? A multitude of thoughts raged through her head. Alright, stop it, she mentally chastised herself. Settle. Down. She exhaled slowly and as her mental turmoil subsided, a sadness enveloped her. He was still sitting there, motionless, in the interrogation room. She eyed him through the one-way mirror. He looked so lost. His elbows rested on the table, his head in his hands. She wondered if it was the frustration of not being able to arrest a murderer by lack of evidence that affected him so, or if maybe it was the same feeling that she felt right now that tortured him. Regret, pain and longing that was. Oh how she longed to go in there and just touch him. He was so close and vulnerable and yet so very far away. If she could just touch him, it would all go away. The hurt he had inflicted with his cold-hearted rejection would not matter anymore. The fact that she seemed to have lost him as a friend would be forgotten. Her heart would mend easily.
She quickly wiped a single tear from her eye, then sighed as she walked towards the door and into the hallway. As she turned, she nearly bumped into Grissom, coming out of the interrogation room.
"Sara", he breathed.
Apprehension showed on his face. He coughed.
"Were you…", he didn't finish the question, too afraid of what he knew the answer would be. He didn't actually see her come out of the observation room. But where else would she be coming from, seriously, he thought to himself.
"I, uhm, was just on my way to see how the interrogation was going. I saw Lurie sauntering down the hall. They let him go?", she managed to say.
It took all the restraint she had in her not throw herself at him and pound his chest demanding an explanation. If he knew she'd listened in, he'd probably get furious and that was the last thing she needed right now.
Grissom eyed her with curiosity. He simply knew she must have been watching the interrogation. The fact that she didn't even address the issue made him feel unexpectedly dejected. The defeatism evident in her eyes made him want to reach out touch her, comfort her in some way. Then he figured the last thing she needed right now was probably him. He'd confused her enough. He'd hurt her more than he'd ever intended. He'd never wanted to hurt her at all. Yet sometimes it seemed he couldn't help himself. She would probably lash out and get angry, he thought. So he did nothing but stare.
She raised an eyebrow at him, silently prompting a response from him.
"Yes, they're letting him go. We've got nothing solid on him", Grissom finally said, " I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize. Cath says you've been up for three shifts straight. You…we've all done what we could."
"It's not enough", he admitted. Somehow it felt like he was disappointing her again. As if releasing the murderer of that nurse that looked so much like Sara meant that he'd failed Sara in some way. It reminded him that he was losing her, just like Lurie lost Debbie, both by their own actions.
"A wise man once told me that no victim is special. You can't save everybody", Sara told him.
Grissom grinned at her, in spite of himself.
"I never take my own advice. This one was special, Sara."
She looked at him, unable to utter a single word. Not unlike when she'd stared that dead woman in the face, just a little while ago. The resemblance to her own face had struck her and left her with a strange eerie feeling, an incredibly sad sensation.
"She looked like you", Grissom stated the obvious, his gaze directed at the floor as if something incredible interesting was transpiring there. He was utterly afraid of facing her.
Sara felt like she was barely able to breathe.
"I'm sorry", he repeated his earlier words, with a double entendre he hoped she'd catch. He moved past her down the hall, leaving her stunned and alone. Again.
Part twoHe knew he should have been going home. He was way too tired to be driving around. He knew all that. But although his body was drained of strength, his thoughts were churning. Images of that nurse coalesced with vivid memories of Sara. Debbie's laughing face from the picture he'd found on her dresser popped in his head, and then Sara's smile haunted him. It had been so long since she'd directed that trademark gap toothed smile at him. The thought saddened him, but fuelled his resolve at the same time. He now navigated through the early morning Las Vegas traffic with a purpose. Minutes passed until he was parked in front of her building. Sara's place. He glanced at his watch. 9:15. She might not be asleep yet, he thought. He hoped really, unsure he could muster up the same courage again of she didn't open the door now. He anxiously rapped on her door and was momentarily greeted by a astonished Sara.
"Oh", she managed.
"Hi. Is this a bad time? Or can I come in?"
He stunned himself with his own boldness.
"No. Yes. In that order", Sara said, still surprised, but also slightly amused.
He smiled and stepped inside.
"At the risk of sounding incredibly rude, what are you doing here?", she asked.
"I needed to clear some things up. With you. I'm confused."
He spoke in short phrases, his mind not fully cooperative to the pact he'd made with himself. It was still difficult to express himself and not hold back.
"Confused", she reiterated, "best place for a scientist to be."
"Good God, you do tape everything I say."
She grinned at him.
"But I'm not here as a scientist", Grissom continued.
"Okay", Sara uttered as she breathed out slowly.
"Would this new non-scientific Grissom like some coffee?", she asked to dissolve some of the tension that had been building up since he'd entered her house.
"I was just about to have some myself", she said as she pointed towards a gurgling coffee maker in the kitchen.
"Sure", Grissom said and made his way towards her comfortable looking couch.
Sara carried two cups of steaming java into the living room and handed him one as she planted herself on the sofa next to Grissom.
Grissom sipped his coffee and made appreciative sounds. Internally he was still working on his resolve, but decided that cutting to the chase would be his best option. He let out a small sigh.
"It's true, you know", he said.
"What is?"
"I couldn't. Deal. With us."
His nervousness was taking away his ability to form coherent sentences.
"I…", Sara stopped there, not knowing how, or if to continue.
"I know you heard me with Lurie. It's ok."
He pulled his gaze away from the coffee and looked at her.
"I felt like I was eavesdropping. Like I shouldn't have been there. Maybe I wish I hadn't been there."
"Don't say that." He paused. "I'm not unhappy you heard me."
"Not unhappy?", she imitated, "You know, Grissom, I may be overtalking around you. But you do your share of undertalking around me. If that's a word."
He chuckled lightly.
"You're right. And I apologize."
He shifted in his seat so as to face her.
"I think I may have lost focus somewhere down the line. I was so preoccupied with my own problems, with my… fears that I didn't realize what I was doing to you. When I said I didn't know what to do about this…", he moved his hand between their bodies, mimicking the gesture he'd used the day Sara had asked him out, " I wasn't kidding. I only saw obstacles."
She looked at him with fascination.
"What do you see now?", she asked, daring to look in his stunning blue eyes.
"I see you", he deadpanned.
Then it happened. The smile came. Tiny at first, but growing as it was reciprocated. Grissom felt his heart swell in his chest, a lump forming in his throat. His body seemed to ache with glee and with excruciating desire to freeze time in this very moment. He'd made her smile again. If that was all he'd ever get from her, it would be enough.
~Fin~
